Coming up on bad opiate withdrawal - scared!

[Jenny9906]

So I hate to say this, but I'm sure that a lot of you can relate. I am no stranger to opiate pain killers, or withdrawals. This mess all started about 8 years ago for me, when I was being treated for anxiety/depression and was finding that nothing was really helping me. Then I got a script for some vicodin (10/325) and it was like a switch had been flipped on...my anxiety was completely gone...my depression was like non-existent...I could focus on stuff like I had never been able to before. Annnnnd it has been a roller coaster ride ever since.  I have quit multiple times, some of which were very long periods of time, but eventually I always find my way back to the stupid pills (and my husband does too...which doesn't help anything, we both have an issue with these things, me more than him) After my first really bad run with the pills, I quit for about 3 years, got pregnant and had my son. Then I ended up with a bad gallbladder, and kidney stones, got the script and ended up back on them again. I quit multiple times, then for quite a while again and got pregnant with my daughter (I took zero pills during both of my pregnancies)...and she ended up being an emergency c-section, so as soon as she was born, I was back on the opiate pain pills again. I swore that I would only take them for 2-3 weeks, but after that time had passed, I ended up with extremely severe post partum anxiety and OCD (super scary by the way) was put on antidepressants, but found that the pain pills helped more...so I've been on them on and off (mostly ON, with mini withdrawals in between when I had to wait to get more) for the past 15 months, and I'm so sick of it.  Part of the issue is my husband has a chronic back problem....so he gets a crap load of Vicodin 10/325 every month. They tried experimenting with oxycontin for him, but they didn't agree with him, so I've been taking those too. Then my dr prescribed vicoprofen for my severe period cramps...and I blew through those too.  The past month I've been completely out of control probably taking like 15 pills a day. This is the worst I've ever gotten, and I'm very upset about it.  I've been trying to manage my depression and anxiety stuff with lexapro and wellbutrin,but it doesn't work as well as the pain killers "seem" to...so I guess this month I just kind of gave up.  Fighting is just so exhausting... I just want to feel normal. I know that these stupid pain pills are not the way...especially when I'm apparently building up a tolerance and needing to take more and more of them. I want to be off of them for good. I have 2 small kids that I love with all of my heart, not only do I need to do this for me, but for my kids as well. My husband works out of town 75% of the time, and he's gone right now, so it's only me and the kids until probably Monday. I woke up this morning with zero Vicodin, zero vicoprofen, and 5 oxycontin 15 mgs. I know withdrawals are bad, and I'm scared because I know what I am in for...especially with the amount I have been taking, I took 2 of the oxys this morning...and am going to try to get a few things done that I need to. So I'm left with 3 oxys now. I'm just looking for some support....I wish I could just go to an inpatient detox center for a week or 2...but that isn't an option with me being the only one to take care of my kids. I'm thinking that I will be forced to get up and do stuff because I need to take care of them no matter how crappy I feel...so maybe that will help me work through it?? Thanks for reading my post, and thanks in advance for any support you may provide!

[Jenny9906]

IBKleen, Thank you so much for your support, I guess I need sympathy and "you can do it" support like you provided, at this stage of the game. I've been saying a lot for the past 2 months that I have a legitimate problem, and that I need to get myself in check, and that I really have set my goal to be through the initial crappy physical withdrawals sometime before Christmas so that I can be clean when I celebrate with my family.

I had a few hours of uncontrollable crying this afternoon....horrible. My body feels awful. And I have anxiety over progressing to feeling worse than I do right now. I know I need to do this, I want to do this for so many reasons...I just wish I could push myself to do more than I am.  At least I'm taking care of the kids...which is better than absolutely nothing. But even that is a challenge.

Thanks everyone for the support, I appreciate it, and hope that it helps me through this very difficult time for me.

[IBKleen]

You are not a failure. You have a disease called addiction. It effects you emotionally, physically and spiritually. It robs you again and again.

Push yourself a bit to get something going and take your mind off of the detox. I am proud of you for wanting to stop and get your life back. Just hang in there honey. It will be over in a few days. then you can do the Christmas stuff. I know you can do this!

[kyle505]

First, it's good that you've recognized that you are an addict. That is difficult at best. Now you have to do something about it. Just because you have no pills at the moment is not a reason to detox. You appear to be doing this only because there is nothing available. You need to tell your doctor, your dentist - you need to cut all sources and tell your secret. Those are two very important steps; leave one out and you will relapse. Then you need to get to NA meetings. Find one that works for you, then get yourself a sponsor.
I failed for over 15 years. My story is very similar to yours - I'd get clean, then use, get clean, use, etc.  On January 3rd I will have two years clean. Why? I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, flushed my pills, and started the long, long road to recovery.
You've been given some great advise, but I'd bet you knew all of this anyway. You've been around the block a couple of times, and right now you know that if you had pills you'd use. This may not be your time. You are the only one who can make that decision. Kids, husband, job, nice home - NOTHING comes before your addiction. I hope you stay on this forum. I hope that this is your time. No matter...I wish you only the best, but it's up to you. Either you continue to buy in to the lies or you don't .
K

[Jenny9906]

Thank you so much....I just wish I could stop crying and calm down. I have no one right now. My husband is working out of town, and it's just me and the kids. I'm a mess...I don't know how to work through it.  I feel like a failure for letting things get to this point. I want to be strong, I really do...but I don't know how. I feel so weak right now. And I feel so sad...like I've let my kids down. I should be doing fun Christmas stuff with them right now, but instead I'm letting them watch cartoons all day while I cry and am busy being a mess. :(

[IBKleen]

You are not complaining. No need for an apology. This is a great place to talk and share your feelings.

Getting clean is easy. STAYING clean takes work. The mental part is harder than the physical detox. Get yourself busy and try and keep your mind off of all of this. It will only last a fe days and then you will begin to feeling better. Believe me when I tell you that is worth it. The pills give you a false sense of security. After a while they turn on you and don't work anymore. It's a roller coaster right now but there IS light at the end of the tunnel.

I am so glad you are posting and hanging in there. Any questions..just ask. There is always someone around to talk to.

[Jenny9906]

Yes, I took all of the oxys...I took my last one this morning, and it's like I didn't take anything. I'm not doing well at all right now and have no idea how I'm going to get through the day, I have a god awful restless feeling in my whole body, I can't stop crying, have anxiety and am just straight up miserable. I'm so upset, and really can't deal with feeling like this :( I don't know how I'm going to get through :( my whole body hurts too,..and I have a headache, I'm sorry to come on here and complain, but I don't know what else to do at this point, :(

[IBKleen]

Did you take all of the Oxys? So you started withdrawal?  You CAN do this. A good idea is to tell hubby to lock up his meds so you can't get to them. The temptation and knowing his pills are in the ..it will drive you crazy. Set yourself up for success. Make sure you have no access. Get honest with your doctor so you can't run in and get another script.

Glad you found this community. Keep talking here. Whatever you do don't use!!!

[Jenny9906]

Thank you everyone for your replies and support! I appreciate it more than you know :)

Whollymolythathurt - thanks for mentioning something that I can totally relate to.  :)  I HATE that I feel like I have to push myself to do stuff for the kids.  I shouldn't feel that way, it is so not me. :( you're possibly right about the dosage increase....I think it might be a combination of that and my being so afraid of withdrawals. My husband has a chronic back issue...that is very painful for him, so as much as he doesn't really want to take them, he doesn't have much of an option. He is very good at keeping himself in check, and taking no more than 4 a day (he's prescribed 6 a day). I obviously do not have the self control that he does.

I did get some decent sleep last night, but I did have some oxys yesterday so that's probably why. But I did toss and turn a lot, my back was killing me, and muscles were twitching.  This morning I got out of bed, feeling not so bad, but then after about a half hour of being up, my legs got very weak and heavy and I feel like I can't move or do anything at all.  I made the kids breakfast, and have been sitting here very agitated. I took my last oxy, hoping it helps take away some of the discomfort to at least get a few things done this morning. I have a lot of anxiety about taking my last pill....I know things are going to get bad :( I think I'm going to be very dependent on cartoons and Christmas movies for the next few days...to keep the kids occupied.  I know it's not the best option, but I'm doing what I need to do in order to get clean once and for all.

[Whollymolythathurt]

Funny you mention kids tonight.  We usually let them stay up later & watch Thomas (I'm beginning to dislike a train if u can believe that!). Anyway i just got them in & had to carry them to bed.  It sucked but I kept telling myself in a week, or two..maybe even 10 this won't bother you.  I keep giving myself pep talks internally.  

Your upping the dosage might be your subconscious wanting to get them out of the way so you can start recovery.  I started doing the same thing for a couple weeks and realized I had 150 pills left so I dumped them.

I was wondering if your husband abuses his pills?  I think it would really help if you guys get off these together...just seems hard if your trying to quit and you have a constant reminder.  I do believe you can do this even if he decides not to. Good luck with the kids and sleep tonight and keep checking in.

[ROSYouralright]

What a GREAT welcoming post!

[Sonrissa]

Hi Jenny, I just wanted to welcome you, and encourage you to stay and participate in this online community! This is a wonderful place for advice and support. We are all at various stages of recovery. Some are just starting out on their journey, others have been clean for a long period of time, and some are somewhere in the middle. Feel free and comfortable to ask any questions you may have, or if you need support. Check out and read some old posts. They are filled with great information. Also, if you'd like, you can participate, and offer support to other member's posts. In other words, make yourself at home.

Take care, and best wishes!

[brandiroars386]

Welcome.  So proud of you for posting, and of the decision to take your life back.  the idea of having WD is scary which leads us to keep using.  You can stop the cycle, you have taken the first step. I also had the same mind set about what an addict "looked" like and was convinced it wasn't me.  But Rosy is right, there is no set criteria, no set of circumstances.  We are all just as susceptible as the next person.

[Jenny9906]

Well, I started out the day with 5 oxycontins 15 mgs, and now it's the end of the day and I have 1 left. Over the past month I've seriously been taking like 15 pills (mostly Vicodin) a day, so while to someone normal  4 of these pills in a day would be a lot, to me it's like nothing, and I'm most definitely feeling the withdrawals already.  I took 2 when I woke up this morning and I took 2 around 4:30 so I could take the kids out and about to run all of my errands and get tons of groceries so that I don't have to leave the house for probably 3 days if I don't want to. This sounds so ridiculous, but seriously I know how this goes, and other than taking care of my kids and my dogs, I will probably do a whole bunch of nothing except lay around all anxiety ridden for the next 3 days. My husband probably won't be home from out of town until Monday or Tuesday, so I have to try and get through this on my own. Part of my abusing the pain pills stems from trying to mask my depression and anxiety problems....so they tend to come back tenfold when I come off the pills, regardless of my being on lexapro and wellbutrin. I'm scared...even though I've been though this before, it doesn't seem to matter, I'm terrified of feeling so bad. And I'm scared of actually having to take care of the kids while I feel like complete dog doo. My body already hurts...my back has been really bothering me anyways, but it's even worse right now. My leg is cramping up really bad and driving me nuts, and I have bad anxiety over all of this. I'm trying to sit down and relax...my kids won't go to bed for whatever reason (of course) and I'm really thinking that when they do, I'm gonna sit in the jacuzzi tub for a little while. What I think I'm gonna do with that last pill I have is hold off until about an hour before I go to bed tomorrow, take it and get in the jacuzzi so I can at least maybe get one more half decent nights sleep.  I know my sleep is going to be real bad tonight...*sigh* thanks for listening to my rants....I'm hoping it will help me push through this :)

[Jenny9906]

ROSYouralright - thanks for saying that, about the face of addiction. Prior to falling into this personal hell, I was extremely ignorant regarding my thoughts on addicts.  I always thought that addicts were these low-life's, who didn't care about themselves or anyone else.  How wrong I was.  It's truly something that you can't understand until you've lived it.

Whollymolythathurt - thank you so much for your support! :) my daughter is 15 months old and my son is 4 years old. I want to be a better mom, a better wife, and a better person....I don't feel that I can be those things while popping pills and worrying about counting them, when I was going to run out, making sure I had enough if I had to go to an event, worrying about going through withdrawals if I had something coming up and wouldn't have pills.  This is no way to live life! Congrats on making it through 6 days!!! That's an awesome accomplishment!! Yes, mentally is always where I have a pretty serious problem. I'm thinking that maybe being part of this online community, I will have more support from people that can relate.

[Whollymolythathurt]

Hey Jenny - Welcome to the site & congrats on wanting to take your life back!  My situation is similar to yours in a couple ways.  I have a 3 & 5 yr old and although was only on the meds for 3-4 years i was tired of planning around the damn things.  I called my doc & said no more.  I'm on day 6 & feel im turning a corner physically.  Mentally i believe it will take longer...but that's what this place is for.  

This is a great site for support congrats on taking the 1st step.

[ROSYouralright]

It sounds cliche BUT often times the FEAR of the event is actually worse than the actual experience!!! Just take each symptom as it comes and we are here to support you through it each step of the way...
Here's the thing.. WE ARE ALL THE FACE OF ADDICTION! Teachers, nurses, lawyers, mothers, daughters, friends! It's not the"stereotype" that first pops into your mind when you think of addict...
Don't be ashamed...
Be proud that you are making a change...

[Jenny9906]

Thank you so much for your reply. Yes, as sad as it is, I do know what to expect...but i swear, that aspect almost makes it worse! It makes me get worked up about it before it even happens, and my anxiety in turn gets out of control. It *****! And you are so right about always seeming to know where they are. I've been really awful with this lately.  I've been taking more of my husbands pills than he usually allows (he usually will give me some, not a lot at all) because he does hide them from me....and I've been constantly finding them.  He puts them in weird places too...but I always seem to figure it out. I hate that I'm like this! I just want to be free from these things once and for all...that's one of the reasons I have come here for support. I've never ever posted on one of these forums about my issues, but I am trying to take a different approach this time, thinking that maybe if I get some support for other people who can relate and help me through, that maybe I can get my life back again.  I have so many reasons to get clean once and for all.  After all of these years, I still can not believe that I fell into this prescription pain killer trap.  I've never been someone that you would think had any type of a drug problem....I've really never tried any other drugs at all...and only pot like 4 times in my whole life! I'm a stay at home mom...who does photography on the side, lives in the country, rescues dogs, and loves being crafty! It just goes to show you that ANYONE can fall into this trap. I'm still scared, because over the past month I've seriously upped my dosages...so I'm in for a horrible time.  :(