ready to jump off opiates

[mooneyb1]

Hello folks. I'm a frequent reader off your posts and the love and support amongst you all is amazing to me. My name is Bonnie and I am 56 years old. I've been addicted to opiates most of my entire life off and on.  When I was 12, I was given Demeral after an appendectomy and fell in love immediately. I was GONE. I came from a house hold if abuse and neglect, so these warm euphoric feelings were like dying and going to heaven. Over the next 30 years or so, I would almost rejoice if I had an injury or needed surgery because I knew there would be pain medication along with that. But the last 6 years has been a nightmare of overuse of oxy, vicodin, and the damn tramadol train. Every since I've been able to buy these things over the internet, my life has gone straight to h##l. I have neen using 10+ oxy 10s, vicoden 5s and 50mg tramadols like candy. 10 each of the opiates and about 25 of the trams every day. Well, to shorten up the story, I tried to ct the trams and nearly ended up in a straight jacket. My doctor, who I confessed to, told me it would be better to switch to an opiate and taper off those.  So I no longer have trams the last month but the opiate addiction is over the moon. No tapering going on here, and I actually got the percs from a friend at work so I take both.  Guys, I'm so terrified! I'm paralyzed with fear. I flushed the few of each that I had left about two hours ago and I'm in blind panic now. I know I shouldnt be hating on myself for doing the right thing, but I am. I have a wonderful spouse who's at work right now, and I don't know what he's going to say when I start getting sick. I guess I don't really have a specific question for the group. Or maybe this one: any one else ever experienced that deep self loathing when they got rid of their doc to start detox?  Thanks to all who take the time to read this post and blessings to you all. Bonnie

[gnarly_1]

Hey Girl  welcome to day 4  this day can go ether way  for some they start to see the light  for others it can be the worst day  it is a crapshoot you never know till you go threw it  I just wanted to encourage you to keep pushing threw  as soon as your up to it get to your local N/A meeting................Gnarly

[pillguy]

Sounds like you're off to a good start.  

[mooneyb1]

Hello again. End of day 3 for me. I have to say that all your kind words and encouragement almost brings me to tears. I caught myself tearing up at a dish soap commercial. Who was it who said this is called the 'emotional runs'? My self-recrimination is aweful. Symptoms are sweating profusely and I sleep only about 2 hours. I seem to be really hungry all the time. I did not go to the ER though.  Thank God that thing passed. I would like to tell my husband. But I can't bear to see the disappointment in his eyes. The past few years hes been telling me how proud of me he is for getting off tramadol and staying off. He would be so mad at me for lying and hiding it. He's a wonderful man but he doesn't know addiction. He's never smoked, drank alcohol or coffee or taken anything stronger than Aleve. I will have to pray about this. I want to do the right thing. I tapered off tramadol and I thought THAT was hard. I can't do that now as I burned all my bridges so to speak.  Does anyone else have itching all over as a WD symptom. Thank you all and ((hugs)) as well. My meeting is tomorrow so that's good. -Bonnie-

[gnarly_1]

Hey Bonnie  congrats on making it to day 3  your doing ausum keep pushing forward  im glad you found a N/A meeting close to home this will really help your recovery  it will give you some place to share where the people will understand  keep posting for support where here for you..............................Gnarly

[NeverAgain127]

You're going great, honey, even though you feel like crap.  Just take this one day at a time.  Focus on just these 24 hours and trying to make yourself as comfortable as you can.

Be careful with the Immodium.  Do NOT take more than the package directions; you can end up in trouble then getting off the immodium.   It helped me too with diarrhea and being able to keep food down, but I took only 1 pill at a time (for me, luckily, that did the trick.)

I'm glad you have some time before you return to work; are you planning to tell your husband about this?  If not, you could just let him know you are suffering from a stomach flu; all the symptoms surely do match.  

Keep posting...

Hugs,
-Robin

[PlowBoy36420]

All I can say is you got this, give it to God. I know everyone don't believe in a higher power but I like to feel there is.
I know everyone here understands the bowel coming from both ends, it comes with the detox.
Although I didn't take as long as you (20 years with all drugs) I can relate.
I'm at day 18 and feel 90% myself, still have tags of soft stool and depression (depression is worst for me, not something I'm used to) but when I walk it seems to clear out.
You have this, God has it, you can and will succeed if you truly want it.

Praying for you
((John))

[mooneyb1]

Thanks you so much for the advice. I know I said I would post an update last night but my brain wouldn't hold a thought long enough to put a sentence together. Well, the diarhea backed off around 3 in the afternoon after 3 or so doses of Imodium. I took a gallon jug of iced green tea I made before I started detox right into the bathroom with me. Sorry to be so graphic, but I would drink a little nit and throw it up, drink a little etc. Right after the Imodium kicked in, I started keeping down the tea.  I really can't believe it's all come down to this. I all but despise myself for falling into this trap. Charley, 70 days is such an encouragement to me, and also your 3 years VIC. Right now I can't imagine the next 7 hours, I have a pretty good multi vitamin, calcium+mag+zinc, and iron tablets. If I could get out of the house, I would get some EmergenC and some probiotics. Don't trust myself to leave the house as I have an elaborate scenario spinning out in my head:  the one where I just give up and fake something in the ER or the Immediate Care clinic, then they give me something for the terrible pain I'm having, Most hospitals and clinics turn me away as I've been flagged as a drug seeker/abuser. Which is true, that's what I am. There is a Sunday NA meeting a few blocks away from my house and if I have energy I will walk there, I figure if I'm not in the car I can't bypass the church and go somewhere I shouldn't be. Sorry this post is so long. I feel like I have the flu or something with a fever. All of you are appreciated and your support is a line to hang onto. I will be back a little later.

[VICourageous]

How is it going??

I too came clean at the age 56 almost 3 yrs ago..I also started messing with drugs and booze at the age 14..I think it was just our Ara ( if I spelled that right). You know Peace, Love, Flower power, so called Hippies and so forth..Lots of Wild parties..Ha!

Being that you have been using for so long is going to be a tough one. I came clean off 3 meds and it was that first opiate that got me going on up to having the Methadone prescribed. Progressive Disease for sure. I too like to study the Map of the Brain and what these drugs do to us. Like my Friend CIK said it all comes down to Addiction being a  Disease and there are Tons of info out here these days..Not when we went to school. We only seen a Egg being Fried in the Pan and they told us that this is our Brain on Drugs..Well they should of Scrambled it like my Mom used to say..May she rest in peace.

Anyway..Make sure you DRINK tons of water..Try to add some Lemon to the water. You can even put a dash of sea-salt to help keep you hydrated. (if you can do extra salt). Make sure you pick up some Magnesium..Magnesium is a great detox-er. Get all the things that have antioxidants in them. I now look at all those Boxes from Emergen-C and Airborne and so on. Lots of products have these antioxidants and more in them. Berries are a GREAT way to go..You can add these to some Protien Shakes. Amino-Acids (Proteins) are so important. They also help re-charge the Brain back up.I did all Plant Based vit/min when I came clean. Also had some Magnesium Oil I would rub on the bottom of my feet. Mag, Calcium, Potsium and Ds help relax the muscles and help with sleep too. There is so much to this Addiction. As you grow things will Lay out in front of YOU! Just make sure you give the detox TIME and with Time have some Patience. It will not happen over night as we did not get Addicted over night. The Mental is the part that takes awhile. The older and longer we have used, the more we have Whacked out our Nero-Chemistry in our Brain. Hormones play havoc too..Well I do wish you the Best..Make sure you Reach out for SUPPORT!! Recovery is a "we" thing not a "me" thing..The "me" gets us in trouble. No more playing in the park with your old buddies that use either..Good Luck!!!
Bless

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

Hi, Bonnie. I am hitting day 70 clean after 30 years or so of using opiates. Hang in there, the worst is almost over as far as the w/d. I know when I went through this back in June, I felt like I was dying, but this won't kill you. Each time I was having a rough minute, hour, or day, I got on this site and read and posted and posted more. This got me through the rough places and kept me on the right track. You can and will do this and come out on the other side with a real chance at a totally new life. No pills, No fog, No lies, No hiding. Keep posting and know that everyone on here is with you. Don't try to do this alone. You don't have to. Listen to the angels you will find here.  Always with love. Charlie

[gnarly_1]

Hey Bonnie  congrats on 2 days  your in the jaws of it  just hang in there and look at it like a bad flu  in a few days you will begin to feel a lot better   the ''energy crash'' can take a wile  but even a bad day clean is a victory  keep posting for support  you got this.......Gnarly

[mooneyb1]

....hi everyone. I'm onday 2 now, sorry I haven't updated. I have imodium, gatorade, green tea and some melatonin. I feel like **** and I'm not too comfortable posting while sitting in the bathroom, sick at both ends. Too creepy. I WILL update this evening. Thanks to all, you're a great help, Bonnie

[bama88]

Sorry to hear about your uti.  It's so ironic when addicts stop their opiods something happens, toothache, uti, life's humor is not funny durring these times.

How are you feeling?  Today is the first day of a new life. Birth hurts,  I would think of that when the withdrawls were tough.  It takes work cleaning something up.  Takes a little elbow grease lol.  

Did you get out and get all the supplies you need so you can hunker down?  Keep us updated.   We're here for you.  Hugs

[pillguy]

You're in for a battle.  I wished I could say it's going to be easy but it's not.  Be tough.  Get that warrior mindset.  Nothing but victory is acceptable.  Coming out the other side of this will be one of the most fulfilling things you ever do for yourself.  You've got a week.  Not very long for a much better life.  Keep posting.  I'll be following your progress.

Cheers

[mooneyb1]

Good morning everyone. Well, I guess I will count this as officially day 1. It is been 24 hours since I've used an opiate. I wiuld have posted again last night (I don't know when to start a new post) but life threw me a curve and I got hit by a giant UTI out of no where. Don't normally get those, and all the Googling I've done hasn't shown any connection to utis as a wd symptom. So that put me on the couch and here I am. My emotions are all over and I can't hold a train of thought for more than 15 seconds. And my arms and legs are all over the place. Clenching my fists constantly.  Last night my husband was teasingly asking if I was warming up to hit him. So he knows somethings up. He was aware of my pill use years ago but thinks I've been clean since '09. So that's my update. The diarhea just started about 2 hours ago and i took imodium for it. I am grateful for everyone taking time out of their day to give me encouragement and advice. Bonnie

[gnarly_1]

Hi  well how you doing today??  your probable in the jaws of withdrawal  but I just want to encourage you to stick it out  keep posting here for support  let us know what is bothering you we have a lot of home cures  post post and post some more..........Gnarly

[clean_in_ks]

Welcome to the forum, Bonnie~
It's great to see a new face that says "I'm READY!!"
Since you've been reading for awhile, you probably know many of the things that help us get thru our INITIAL detox period....WATER, Imodium, Epsom salt baths, supplements, hot pad, clean sheets and jammies, Emergen-C and/or Gatorade/Vitamin Water, earbuds/earphones for MUSIC and FUNNY videos/shows, dark chocolate, sunshine, some walking even if only short distances around your home, and constantly RE-DIRECTING your thoughts.  
You've expressed how hard this has been to get rid of the pills....but it sounds like you found the courage to eliminate your "safety net" (YEAH YOU) which means you must truly be serious about wanting to change your life.  We have to stop romanticizing the very thing that was killing us.....physically, spiritually & mentally.
Definition of ROMANTICIZE:  to idealize something in an unrealistic fashion...to make it seem better or more appealing than it REALLY is
.
I sang Simon & Garfunkel's song:  Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover...lol
The words are actually VERY appropriate :)
Learning all I could about my addictive brain helped me too.  It gave me an understanding that took the "moral" component out of my addiction.

HBO.com/addiction was one of my favorite sources.  Another video you might like to watch to pass some time (it's LONG) is a very funny guy...a doctor actually.... that got hooked on pain meds when he was the Flight Surgeon for the Blue Angels....he ended up in Leavenworth Federal Prison and spent every single waking moment learning about addiction. His sole purpose in life is to help us understand what makes addicts different from non-addicts.  Here's the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2emgrRoT2c

Post ALL you need to....as you know, someone on this forum will have an answer or can direct you to one.

Welcome aboard the RECOVERY TRAIN☺☺

[mooneyb1]

Hi, Robin. Thanks for your reply post. Now that I calculate the mgs it was 50 mg of hydros, 100 mgs of oxys and up to 1250 mg of trams.  I havent had any tram for a week now, just the others.  I did not go to the doctor for a taper due to the doctor, my regular gp, finding out I was getting them from an ortho doctor. I think she's cut me off as well. As for taking off work, I've been off since 6/16 fora work accident where I fractured my left knee cap. It barely hurts at all as it's almost healed. I don't return to work until 9/15. I have 3 weeks left to get through the worst. My symptoms so far are pain! Not the knee, that feels great.  The rest of me feels like I stepped in front of a bus.  Starting to get nauseated and anxious. Like a rat running around in my head nipping my brain.  I'm depressed and obsessing about the little demons I flushed. Obsessing about pills in general,  so thank God I have absolutely no way to get any. I don't trust myself to leave the house.  Oh I forgot to mention I do take 40 mg Celexa for depression and anxiety.  This whole post is the picture of a mess, but I'm ready to listen to those who've been there. Thanks again.

[NeverAgain127]

Hi Bonnie:  That's a special name around here...

How much opiates (mgs per day) are you coming off of?   Did you doctor wean you down at all?

Do you work?  If so, it might be a good idea to take 4-5 days off, just to get through the worst of it.  

Post what symptoms you're having here, and we will do all we can to help you with tips...

You're doing the right thing.  Those pills weren't your best friends, they were tiny little demons!

Saying a prayer for you,
-Robin

[PlowBoy36420]

Just remember you got tbis, god has it. You will make it, prepare for 3 or 4 days of uneasy nights. I gad to get up and take hot baths as the night because of my arms and legs burning to move.
That has eased off and I'm now getting sleep and some rest so I know the hard part is over. So the hardest is beginning fro. What I've read, mental is hard for me but I got this
Hug ((John))

[mooneyb1]

Hey gnarly_1, thank you for the reply and for reminding me about the epsom salt baths. And plowboy, I was following all your posts about your grandmother sending you the trams through the mail and how you knew they eere there but didn't have the key. I know that was so courageous to flush them and took hope from it. I was even thinking about that when I flushed my few a dew hours ago.  "If he did it, so can I."  I know I still have opiates in my system at the moment and the real WDs will kick in here a little later, but I'm trying to remember all the good advice I've read from this forum. I re-read old posts gain insight.  Right now I feel like I've flushed 6 if my best friends down the toilet, and grieving like at funeral. This is my first time ever CT. In a way I'm relieved. There is nothing I have access to to make that little "bargaining voice" wake up and start talking. Wishing everyone a wonderful afternoon and I will be back later I'm sure.

[gnarly_1]

Hey and welcome to the forum  first off try to pick up a case of gatoraid some epsom salt for the bath and some nighty night tey to relax you  this is 1/3 phyical and 2/3s mental so be ready to fight it out on both fronts  the best thing you can do now is bring a postive attitude to the table  it means the difference between suffering and being uncomfortable  suffering is a choice  I have said this a millon times but ''you just got to be ok without being ok for a wile this to shall pass  keep posting for support  im off to work now but will check back with you later  may God be wit

[PlowBoy36420]

The first 4 days was the worst, not going to lie. When your husband comes home asked if he would rub your back. Not sure why my 13 year old son was so bound to rub my feet but he did alone made a world's of a difference.  The touch alone just took my mind off the little things.  I'm grateful to have tbem, he didn't have to do it but did.
I never tried anything to ease the w/d's other than advil or b/c,  wish I had some good tips for you there.
You've owned it so let God have it, we can make it happen

[mooneyb1]

Thank you so much for your reply and the prayers. I'm familiar with your posts and often gather insights and comfort from them.  It's true about the sunshine. I've been sitting on the front porch most of the day with the sun beating down on me. It helps along with listening to the birds. As for Irish Spring, that is the best smell ever. If they would make it into cologne I would wear it all the time. Congrats on your two weeks. Right now that sounds like an eternity to me, and I'm just going into day 1. I take a lot of strength from the experiences of others in this group. So most likely post a lot the first week or so. Attending my first NA meeting tomorrow also. Very scared of this whole thing! Thanks again for the prayers!

[PlowBoy36420]

I recently flushed some trams I received from my grandmother and I know in my heart it's the right thing done.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again?  Yes.
I don't know much on the w/d's from the others but the tram-train was one hellofa wreak for me. I'm clean 2 weeks today and feel 80% like myself again, I still have stomach and leg cramps oh and some anxiety.  I noticed walking in the sun even when I don't want to go out helps, take those hot baths and for some reason Irish Springs soap is very relaxing and I started sleeping with a new bar (don't judge me, that's how I tumble lol) so I recommend trying it.
Today I have a bad headache, not sure why so I did take some B/C powder.
I'm praying for you
((John))