drug problem, suboxone addict

[Brady18_7]

im 18 now, and have had problems with suboxone since i was 15. i did them because they made me feel good, and the withdrawals are just awful. ive relapsed about 10 times in the last three years, give or take a couple times, and i know thats not healthy. my body was still developing when i had this substance constantly in it, and my body was still developing every time ive gone through these. now i know why my mom always said not to do drugs, and have for quite awhile now but this time IM DONE. i absolutely CANNOT keep doing this to myself. before when i quit, it was for reasons i didnt really have control of, either i couldnt get ahold of it or didnt have the money, now i want to quit for me, to better myself as a person. i understand how terrible these things are, i dont want to ever go through this again. rehab is not an option because i dont have the money for it, nor do i have interest in telling my family because theyre actually pretty judgmental when it comes to stuff like this. im on day 3 now, which is the worst day every single time, day 3 and 4 usually are. i will post the days ive been through below, and continue to until im better.

Day 1: kind of a sucky day 1, normally on day 1 all you feel is the temptation to do it. this day 1 went by very slow, i felt slightly depressed, and had slight RLS. i slept for about 3-4 hours before waking up for about an hour, then dozed off again for another few hours, twisting and turning the entire night. day 1 is usually not that bad, just a waiting game, and ive always been able to sleep normally through the night of day 1.

Day 2: normally from past experience, day 2 is when you start losing your energy, and it was this time too. time again went by very slowly, felt slightly depressed and had rls. sleeping on the night of day 2 was NOT fun at all, fell asleep a little over an hour after attempting to, and slept for 2 hours. after i woke up, i was up for about 3 hours before falling asleep for another 2. didnt sleep well at all, i can tell it wasnt a deep sleep and didnt sleep much at all. i have gone through this before and it gets harder and harder every time.

Day 3: i just started day 3 about 2-3 hours ago, most of it so far laying in my bed trying to fall back asleep but no luck, so i decided to get up. i actually feel fine as of right now, which is really weird. im exhausted but dont feel depressed yet, and day 3 is the day that it kicks in worst every time. hopefully my mind stays in the right place, will post  continued day 3 paragraph.

i just want to be clean so bad, im so tired of having to depend on this drug just to feel normal, im sick of it. im sick of having to waste money on it, im sick of having to know im gonna have to go through withdrawals again at some point (which is why im doing it now, so i dont have to later on), and im sick of not even feeling good anymore when i do it, so whats the point? i lost my job about a month ago too so this is literally the perfect time to do it. i just want to be happy without drugs, itll take awhile, and itll suck, but i will do it. i have to. im just craving the day where i feel good, and have a good day without it, i cant wait! i want that so bad right now, id do anything to not have to go through this. NO ONE deserves to go through this, i dont care if they knew theyd go through withdrawals or not, no one deserves it. i went 3 days the previous two times i tried to quit, and caved in on day 4 both times, i will NOT do that again i swear to god. i quit every other time ive tried, just not the last two, but i had a job then and dont now. addiction is a nasty, terrible, terrible, gnarly thing, everyone thats gone through this knows there is nothing that compares to it, NOTHING. i really need some insight from someone thats had this problem before. it would be great if i could get an answer for each of these questions individually: what can i do to help me sleep? sleep is incredibly important to me, please help with some info. what will help the rls (no benzos)? what will help make the days go by faster if anything? how can i keep my mind busy so im not depressed? those are the main four im worried about. thank you so much if you took the time to read and reply to this, i really appreciate it.

[Brady18_7]

day 16: days still go by slightly slow, but not as bad as in the beginning, not anywhere near as bad. i slept great last night, i slept from 12-1 to 10 am, then got up and changed sleeping spots and slept on and off for like 3 hours after that. i didnt wake up once last night! ive waited so long to be able to sleep well and i finally got it! because of that, i wasnt quite as tired today. getting better day by day

[Brady18_7]

oh for sure, i feel astronomically better than i did the first few days. day 14 now and i feel great, just tired. i went to my friends and stayed last night, we stayed up until like 5 so i slept from then until 10-1030am, then was awake for a few minutes, then fell back asleep for another hour or so. im soooooo happy my sleep is coming back, especially since last night was my first night without ambien

[motye51]

Ughhh...that ***** that you got a cold during this process. Im glad to hear, however, that your finally getting some sleep. As that comes back, i think you'll feel better. Keep pushing forward and take each day as it comes. Some will be better than others but at least they wont be as bad as the first couple of days!

[Brady18_7]

i slept good last night, night 11. i slept for about 3-4 hours, then was awake for one, then fell back asleep for a couple more. i woke up a few times from 9am to 12pm but was able to fall back asleep quickly each time.
day 12: other than having a cold, i feel good. will post tomorrow

[Brady18_7]

i slept pretty good last night, slept for 3-4 hours initially, then was up for an hour or two then fell back asleep for about another 2 1/2 hours. i have a cold now though, sore throat and constantly blowing my nose. hopefully this passes soon

[Brady18_7]

day 10 continued: i hope i dont jinx this, but today didnt go by too slow, so im hoping that continues to improve. im beginning to joke around again and feel better in general. i went to na tonight and talked with some of the fellow addicts, that helps a lot because they know exactly what youre going through and will literally do anything to get you to not use, the care so much its great. the reason i didnt sleep well last night i think is like i said i wasnt at my house, the night before i got 6-7 hours

[motye51]

LMAO....when I was detoxing and people would tell me go outside and walk, go running, excercise, I was like **** that!  Are you insane???  I can't even move?  I would rather eat dog **** then move around, but little by little it did help.  What also helped not only with feeling better physically, but my mood, was going out in my backyard and sitting in the sun for awhile.  I did this in January, and in the state where I'm from were not used to really cold weather but this past winter was like from hell. Froze my *** off but the sun on my skin did help!  
I'm not well versed in Ambien, but to me, it doesn't really sound like it's working too well, if your really only getting maybe 3/4 hrs sleep?  Not to mention, could that be making you feel even more tired the next day?  The amount of w/d I went through was roughly 3/4 weeks of physical and I think I probably got a full 7 hours sleep, on my own, was in month two.  I literally took off of work for a month to pull this off.  I probably could have done it quicker, but if I would have spoken to anyone at work around week 3/4 they would have thought I was insane!  There was no way I was going in public like that....of course i did go to N/A at that time.  Let a bunch of addicts judge me, totally fine with it!  I started with the 90/90 and Nov 1st made 10 months.  I go 3/4 times a week and chair our local Thursday night mtg.  I've met some great people, young and old, you would sooooo not be out of place at N/A.  Consider doing the 90/90 and see what you think?  You don't have to talk or air your dirty laundry, just listen.  See if the people around you sound genuinely happy?  That's what I was looking for.....someone to show me they could be clean, have fun and be happy!

[VICourageous]

Hi Brady!
First I did not read all the post but I do want to tell you Congrats on trying to get your Life back.
I am old enough to be your Grandma so I am going to say a little to you..Please do not waste over 40 years (or more) of your Life trying to chase a high..I do not care if it is a mental or emotional thing or even if it is just for fun like it was for me starting in the later 60s..Addiction is a very slow process that ends in either Jails, Institutions or Death..That is one of the best things I do here at both AA/NA..I had stopped all my drug use a little over 2 years ago and my booze intake around 8-10..(I forgot due to drug use at the time). The last few drug I did was Methadone that I ended up snorting with Adderral..Now I do not have adhd so the add was like my crank days in the late70s. Then I would take a Benzo and come down..All 3 was no walk in the park..The older you get and the more years you use the more damage or unbalancing of the brain chems,hormones and transmitters you do. It is the Brain that does not have the time to develop right if you use at such a young age..BUT that is not always the case..I seem to be a pretty wise lady and got all good grades..However!!!! It did take me months & months physically to come around and then about 2 years to feel somewhat balanced in my brain..The head DR told me it could take 1-3 years because of my past..Well he was right on it.
As far as the RLS you can eat Avocados & Bananas..They said Avocados have more potassium in them..You can take Calcium, Potassium and Magnesium with a D at night..These are the vit that help relax the muscles too, besides the D brings those happy chems back up.
Please just take it Day by Day and try not to put a TIME limit on this..This is your Brain/Body and it will do its thing in its own Time..I know it moves like a Turtle at first but then one day out of know where it will fly..
For me it was like going into a coma in my early 20s and waking up darn near 60..I did not get to age gracefully because of my substance abuse..I do own my property and trucks and have been married for over 29years so it was not all that bad. I just know now what I did to my brain and the things I did not understand when I was young..Maybe look up Addiction in a more Scientific way..They have some great info out here on what goes on in the brain..If you would like a quick peek look in my journal if you know your way around..One is the "Nature of Addiction" and the other is "The Pleasures Pathway beyond Willpower" Have tons more info but have not been putting it in lately..Also we do go through a Grieving cycle and that is in there too.
NOW I am going to keep a watch on you..I sure hope you do good and you can talk to me anytime you feel the need..When you get to know this site you will find all kinds of great info too..Be Good, Be Safe and just take it one day at a time.
Bless

[Brady18_7]

day 9: it wasnt too awfully bad, i was tired all day though, regardless of how i slept waaaaay better than the last week. i felt okay mentally so i ended up going to my friends for the night, we had a bon fire, watched a movie, played some video games, that helped me get through the day being exhausted. i didnt sleep too well, but i wasnt in my home so thats probably why, i never sleep as good if im not in my own home.

day 10:  i woke up around 9-930 this morning and im tired today too, but its not unbearable, not yet anyway. i have a thyroid problem too, which is the reason i relapsed back in like march. i feel sooo tired from it sometimes so i just figured, the hell with it, if im gonna be tired and feel like crap all the time, im gonna atleast feel good. ive been on meds for almost a year for that and it started to get better for a little bit, then started acting up again. im starting to somewhat find enjoyment in life again with certain things, im think im pretty much just convincing myself im better and thats why i feel okay mentally, and its actually working. these withdrawals sucked! but honestly, not anywhere near as bad as they have before. i tapered down a little before quitting, maybe thats why. i had 1 1/2 pills left, so i crushed one up into 12 lines, and crushed the half into 12 lines. i was doing roughly 2mgs a day, maybe a tad bit less. so when i figured itd be a good idea to taper seems how i had enough to do so with. my plan way to do one line a day, one of the ones that was .75 mgs a day until they were gone, and one of the .25-.35 mgs a day until they were gone. i did it for the .75 mg, but not the smaller ones because i wanted to just get this **** out of the way and do my time and be done. so i slightly tapered, but then got tired of waiting to get my life back together so just put 3-4 of those smaller lines together and did them within a few days. im actually so happy i didnt have the control to only do as much as i planned, because if i didnt id be on like day 1 right now, so thats got me looking up. also being able to talk to my fam about it has helped a lot. sitting around feeling terrible going through withdrawals is incredibly frustrating, especially if you see people walking around joking, having fun messing around when you just wish you could do that yourself, it *****. i also had a job interview today, which is awesome! i really hope i get the job because then i have a way of life. i had a job last time i tried getting clean and that did not work at all. i was a dishwasher and prepcook and i was on day 3 one day at work, it was literally one of the top 3 worst days of my life. working doesnt distract your mind when youre going through this, it makes it 50 times worse! while youre at work, the time goes by sooooo slow, like its crazy how slow it is, and i had to stand all day being a dishwasher so my legs were all over the place. ill tell ya, ive NEVER had rls that bad omg it was terrible, i had to take at least 15 five minute breaks where id go out back and sit because my legs were just so uneasy. thats just for anyone that plans on getting sober while they have a job, if you can, take at least 5 days off, work through day 1, and maybe day 2, then youll be back at work by day 6 or 7. at least im in double digit days now, i kept telling myself, 'i just cant wait til i get past day 3, then day 4, then i cant wait til i get to day 5 because after that everything should get better, day 10 and i feel better than i have in the last week and a half, though im still obviously not 100%. just one thing, does anyone know when ill see improvements in sleep? especially after my ambien is gone? i flushed two of the pills as soon as i got them because i do NOT want to develop a habit for them, so i have 3 left. and how gradually will it come back? say i fet 3-4 hours now, by day 14 i should get 5-6 hours a night, by day 20 i should get 8 hours? any idea?

[Brady18_7]

i slept quite well last night, compared to the previous week anyway. i initially got about 3 hours, then was up for about an hour and slept another 1.5-2. i then went and changed beds to sleep in and layed in the other one for 3-4 hours and slept like probably 2 more. its hard to remember if i just woke up or not so its hard to tell how much sleep im getting, but its getting a little easier now that im starting to remember my dreams, if you can remember the dreams you had, you know you slept. the ambien helped a lot. so far for day 9 i feel pretty good, i see the light at the end of the tunnel! its been a looooong week, but im almost in the clear :D

[motye51]

Just an idea....how about giving the script of ambien to your grandmother to give u them at night? Sometimes in early w/d its good to have someone else in your corner to back you up. Just a suggestion. Glad to hear your eating because that does help....try to eat as healthy as possible, lots of dark green veges, fish, meat, eggs, high proteins. Once i was able to eat i felt like i got better, quicker.
i have to laugh b/c i can remember falling asleep at like 12:00 midnight and at 3:30 i was up up! I was like noooo!
Keep pushing yourself b/c u are almost there. Keep checking in when u can!

[Brady18_7]

ok so yes today is day 8, i havent been on because ive been riding in a car literally all day, and i wasnt even that uncomfortable, my legs and arms were calm for the most part. i am feeling better, and am starting to enjoy food again which helps a lot. i slept from like 230am to 430-5am and was awake from there on because i couldnt fall back asleep and i had to be up by 7. i went to the doctors and told him about my addiction because he didnt know. he gave me a weeks long script of ambien to help me sleep, im praying to god it helps, and im also praying even harder that i dont get hooked on that, even though its only a weeklong script, it is a recreational drug to some, and ive gotten hooked on recreational drugs before within a week, but they were opiates so hopefully nothing comes of this but good sleep

[Brady18_7]

thanks newoutlook for the support, much appreciated!

[motye51]

Alright....so today should be day 8...how are we doing today? Did u get a few hours sleep last night? Are u eating and drinking?

[newoutlook12]

Glad to hear you went to a meeting and are still hanging in here. Its so worth it trust me and meetings do help so much, listen to what all they tell you they been there done that a million times and could write a book on it lol. But for real do what people with a lot of clean time say but try to stay away from people who are just there because they have to be it could get u in a bad stop if they dont stay clean and you become friends with them. So happy to hear you are still clean you should start to feel a little better soon. I really pray that you can stay clean this time, you are so young its great u still have a long happy sober life ahead of you. It takes most of us a lot longer to get it lol I was 27 and had been addicted to something or another for years when it finally ended after getting addicted to herion. Keep going to meetings and if you u believe in God pray like u never have before he will help you get through this if you believe in him and ask him to take away the want to use. After u do u will feel so much better! Good luck to you and god bless you, you are doing get just keep it up!

[Brady18_7]

day 7 continued: so i ended up going to the na meeting and just got back, it seems helpful. you get to talk to others with the same problems as you, everyone gives you a hug and tells you its alright, im definitely going to more! plus, it passes time. im just so exhausted today because of not getting adequate sleep, im praying for strength through this, and cant wait to get those sober x-amount of days keychains, theyll be the most valuable thing ive earned in a long time, because not everyone knows how much hell one has to go through to get one. now its just time to relax and wait until i should lay down, and hopefully fall and stay asleep because i got a docs appt 8am tomorrow

[Brady18_7]

oh no, theyre not like that. they all have addictive personalities, as do i. i could do only an appropriate amount of xanax because i know how dangerous benzos are, plus ever more so i dont want to go through withdrawals anymore. im so tired today it *****, and cant sleep at night to save my life, but mentally i seem to be doing better, im not myself obviously but i see improvements

[motye51]

U know, like the parent that can have one or two drinks, then put it down for a month or two. Smoke a joint on a friday night after a long week and then not touch it again for awhile? I believe i have the ability to do ANYTHING to excess....its just the ki d of person i am. I was referring to the post above in regards to using Xanex to help sleep....do u think, that while w/ding, u would have the willpower to only use a few as needed, honestly? If they bring u relief, it only takes a week or two to form a nice little habit again? Thats the point im trying to make. If what your brother gave u was non-narcotic, then its not going to be addictive so there shouldnt be another w/d. Im sure u dont want to do this **** again????

[Brady18_7]

what do you mean people in my family that use successfully? my brother that gave me the nighttime supplement is addicted to suboxone, and one of my other brothers was 6 days clean off suboxone when i was on day 1. i also have an addictive personality, i dont know why and really wish i didnt, but i feel as if i could do anything to get a fix, as long as its a substance  

[motye51]

Yeah, u want to try and stay away from caffeinne while going through this b/c i found they made my anxiety worse. It came in waves and b/c of the lack of energy i tried to supplement with coffee or 5 hr energy shots which just made it way worse.
Because our emotions, thoughts and feelings are all over the map during this i feel like even caffeinne is mood altering and really we dont have control when were detoxing. Our bodies just have to do what they need to do to heal. Thats what your body is doing....healing, and our neurotransmitters are sooooo not firing right during this time.
As far as the Xanex is concerned this is my only issue with this. We are addicts...we have a dis-ease with something in our lives. Me, personally, i can make a habit out of anything so ive always worried about trading one drug for another. Ive done it my whole life, starting with weed and alcohol, turning to acid and x, loved cocaine, found opiates then found suboxone. Its real easy for me to be addicted to anything. Look at your family history....are there people in your family that use successfully? Cause i sure as **** wish i was one that could, but i cant. Your very young with a lifetime ahead of u, do u still want to be doing this **** when your 30.....40.....?

[Brady18_7]

day 6: i went to an auction an hour or so after i woke up, it was boring at first but it was alright after awhile and helped me take up time. after that i came home for a little less than two hours and went to a movie, by time i got back home it was 9:30pm, so then i just smoked and hung out until i wanted to go to sleep. but sleep was terrible last night, i dont remember waking up one time, and i remember laying there awake waiting to fall asleep a lot more than a couple of the previous nights. i had a mountain dew yesterday because i was so tired, even though most say you shouldnt, maybe thats why, or maybe its because i didnt take melatonin last night. i didnt take it because i was really tired all day and was thinking maybe it was from taking it the previous nights.

day 7: day 7 just started about an hour ago, im tired but dont really know how i feel yet

[Gunner817]

I stayed completly sober the first week I got clean the second week I took Xanax at night 1mg to help me sleep I would get about 8 hours then I wouldn't take the Xanax the next day and wouldn't be able to sleep again so I was off and on them for the second week. (They help with sleep tramendsly) but they can be addictive so don't abuse them it says on the bottle 1mg 3x daily so I wouldn't take more than 1mg a day for a week or 2 weeks that way you don't develope an addiction I quit taking the Xanax 5 days ago and no want or addiction for them. They help take the edge off the irrability, anxiety, sleep. It helps now I did try weed twice when I got to week 3 and it had me laughing,tuned to the t.v (lazy) but felt awesome but I couldn't sleep on it but the day I did smoke all day was awesome. Weed isn't addictive so you don't have to worry about that, but since you're a addicted you'll want to become a pothead if you smoke to much cause you'll like the drug and you'll be substituting one drug for another even though weed is a lot better for you than these pills!!!! I smoked pot every day for 3 years and when I quit I just felt bored and a little trouble sleeping but it was never as bad as these opiate withdrawals. This is my second time detoxing off opiates first time by day 21 I was basically back to the old me then got back on them for a year and a half and quit again,I'm now at day 22 and I still don't feel like the old me. So each time you go through detox it gets harder and harder. I went cold turkey no subs or tapering for me so the withdrawals were more intense. A lot of people won't agree with me but once you get pass 5 or 6 days get a little Xanax for sleep. Specially when you just lost controll from lack of sleep instead of thinking **** it il take an opiate to slaw don't take a Xanax and sleep better just try not to do it everyday!!! I've called about NA classes so many times but havnt went once, I rather stay busy with life and get through a month and start to get back to normal then start taking the classes.thats good you have someone like your grandmother supporting you, I told my aunt and acted like it was all over the withdrawals that is and she understood but atleast I told someone. You need will power any time you crave the pill find something else you like to do, play video games if that's what your into..main thing is staying occupied.

[motye51]

Just be careful of what your putting in your body. The no sleep issue to me was one of the hardest things with w/d because your right, it makes time that much slower. What about those mma videos u bought, have u watched them? At 5 days, u deserve a great big kudos, b/c all of us know how hard it is where your at. Keep talking with your grandmother, and as soon as u can, get your *** to an n/a mtg! After the physical part comes the mental, and it has all its own downfalls.....but aftercare will help with this part! I actually felt a physical relief when i went to my first mtg. Keep pushing yourself...relief is right around the corner.

[Brady18_7]

the night of day 5: my brother gave me some of a supplement he had, its for like muscle recovery but its to take at nighttime so you can recover then and it has a sleep aid in it, that helped a bit. i got 2-4 hours in each of the last 2-3 nights, but last night i got around 5 hours. i hope it continues to progress, im just very tired so far today. hopefully today goes good and i continue to get better