Mental Struggle

[brandiroars386]

I haven't posted in awhile.... I'm really having a hard time with the mental sh*t.  I have 90 days tmrw and I still feel, well nothing. Not to say I don't have some emotion on some level, but it's forced when it comes to needing to respond appropriately in public. I have been going to meetings, talking with my sponsor, been told this is all normal.  Where is MY NORMAL?  I want that back, I desperately want it back.  Who am I now cause I certainly don't f***in know. I go through the motions of everyday, get up, coffee, shower, work, come home, dinner, homework, hang out with the family, kids bedtime, my bedtime, get up do it all over again.  Like autopilot, like a shell of a person. I freaked out yesterday after Christmas shopping.  OMG, I was so close to using, I mean really close.  If it would have been easy to go and get, it would have been over, no doubt about it. I just want how I feel to go away. People say one day at a time, but you can't help but realize it's forever, and that's a frightening thought no matter how you look at it. I know I should be grateful for recovery, but I'm not.  I am miserable, clean, but just miserable.  Do I WANNA use, not really,I know what would happen, but I sure as h*ll don't want to feel like this.  It's not fair, I know that sound's childish, but for lack of a better word, that's what I got.

[Sonrissa]

I'm so glad to hear the meeting went well, and that you are feeling better. Hang in there, girl.

[brandiroars386]

Exactly: Patience is key (which I admit I struggle with) and I definitely need to remember progress not perfection

[clean_in_ks]

Good job, Brandi..............progress not perfection, right?

So glad you checked back in after your meeting~

[VICourageous]

YOU can do it!! Look how far you have gone already..Just give this some more Time and with Time comes patience. I am glad you came back on and reached out..SO happy you hit that meeting..It never fails..When I have some issues for the day, I go and get some kind of message through some one that just shared for the day..Keep knocking it down. One day you will be able to look back and feel so proud you did not use for this or that..
Bless

[brandiroars386]

Wow, outpouring of support while I was in the meeting!!  Okay, so the meeting went really well, Reading from the basic text on "Who's an Addict"  I needed that tonight,I mean REALLY needed it.  After the meeting went for coffee with my sponsor and some others for almost 2 hours.  I learned a lot about the process and more importantly that I NEED to take one day at a time and STOP looking so far ahead in the future, as hard as that may be for me, I am going to make every effort to do that.  I am also going to read in the Basic Text everyday.  The gratitude list was suggested as well, just like here.  That I can do anytime, so that will be easy to do.  I have to let go of my anger, or it's gonna keep me sick.  Thanks everyone!!  

[gnarly_1]

Hi as always I see terrific advise and what Sara said is very true as addicts we '' want it and we want it now'' Recovery dont work that way it takes work even when you dont want to the key here is to do the next right thing and push threw it it takes the brain some time to get over the stimulus of our DOC that is why I say the detox is only 1/3 of the equation and the mental part 2/3 of this just remember you dident become a addict over night for many of us it has been years even decades so instead of looking for the old you look for the new one that you have everyday and work on that new one daily remember to pray to a God of your understanding work the steps with your sponsor and give recovery a chance it works  as for me I write a gratitude list of 10 things I am grateful for each day  it keeps me grounded  it helps keep posting for support most of us have gone threw what you are going threw good luck and God bless...............................Gnarly..................................
'

[msdelight]

We all talk about good days and bad days. We forget that back in the real sober non-using days that's how it always was. That is normal.
The one thing in life that we can control is our attitude about life. Focus on all the Positives. Let go of the negative. See yourself as a winner and you will be one. Take the focus off of misery and make someone smile.

[clean_in_ks]

I can't wait for you to post after the meeting you just walked into.  I don't know about you....but I never come out of a meeting feeling like I did going into the meeting.

I'm gonna ask you some questions...you may not like them....and then again, you may appreciate them.  You said this above:

"OMG, I was so close to using, I mean really close.  If it would have been easy to go and get, it would have been over, no doubt about it. I just want how I feel to go away"

Why would it be easy?
Are you participating in meetings...like talking about all this pent up anger and dread of being like this "forever"?  
At 74 or 75 days you were angry "at" your addiction....we may have a brain chemistry that will stay with us forever....but the way we feel as we are healing won't STAY this way forever!  It DOES get better....and our attitude and participation has 99% to do with our recovery once we are out of initial detox.
Do you put NEW recovery thoughts in your mind each day?  Like one of the meditation books that helps us to re-program our thinking?
It feels too overwhelming to repeatedly tell ourselves "am I gonna be like this forever...I HATE this"......cause you WON'T be like this forever and I hate being an addict, too.  But when I think back and remember how miserable I was while ingesting gobs of pills and STILL was miserable and in pain why would it be any better trying to go back to it?.....I'm gonna choose a new life.....and BELIEVE and KNOW....I won't ever stay in one place forever...as long as I don't put an addictive med in my mouth.....I AM healing even if it isn't fast enough to suit me.  
Please let us know how you are after your meeting.....and hang on....your miracle is just around the corner~

[OxyTired]

Hi there. I have not been on the forum much lately, but checked my tracker, its at 172
I found that getting "all of me back" is a work in progress. Sometimes I feel
progress is at a snails pace. Slowly I am getting back mental and physical strength. I am discovering worthwhile things that I WANT to do. Random memories pop back, moments of clarity and peace,
I can assure you it really gets better with time. I am feeling better now than at 90 days.
Think about the dark alternative. Throwing away our precious progress for a demon pill.  I don't want to retrace my steps. I want life to get better and better like it has been.
Only now am I starting to see how far down the mental toilet I had gone. And you know, some of what is happening to me is a "new me" The old me sure couldn't handle life without substances. I don't mind feeling a little different now.
At our community park this morning I watched the sunrise. I don't
think it was ever that beautiful.
Yup, just hang on, it is so worth it.

[mommymarieme]

Hey honey I think we all know how you feel I am at 95 days and I was just crying yesterday saying I quit these to gain weight and to be boring. That is not true we quit these so we can live and honestly now we can be anything we want to be because we have given ourselves back our life. What dominosarah said is so true I felt like I quit these now things need to happen for me and everything should just go my way lol. We have to make changes in our lives to make us happy. We have to have faith and know it will get better because it will. Life is never easy but at least now we are living it and not taking a pill to make it fade away. Keep reaching out honey we are all here for you and you are doing this just keep pushing!

[brandiroars386]

I appreciate all of the support. I really do. Thing is if this is the real me. I don't like me. Getting ready to walk in a meeting.

[Sonrissa]

Hi Brandi, I'm so sorry you are struggling right now. I understand how tough this can be. You seem to be in a rut. Try changing the routine, a bit. Do something different. Take some time out for you. Do something you enjoy. Maybe go get yourself a mani/pedi. A new haircut? Buy a new outfit. Eat something sinful. Just do something fun or relaxing.

This will pass. I'm praying it will pass soon. Please come here and post before you do anything you will deeply regret. We are here with you, and we will help. Wishing you some comfort and all the best! Hang in there, girl!

[Dane74]

I know how you feel and understand, BUT, using is not going to make this any better, it will be much worse, all your problems will still be there in the morning.  We trained our bodies to take a pill or whatever your DOC is and BAM problem solved....  So we thought, now we have to train our bodies how to deal with life on life's terms.  The more time clean  you accumulate the easier it  gets as you become more knowledgable of coping skills and so on.  As for knowing the "real you" or what's "normal", well, What is normal anyway?  And for the real you, this is the real you your AUTHENTIC self, embrace it and learn to love YOU.

[ROSYouralright]

Wow!! What a way to put things into perspective! I surely needed to see that! I think we can all benefit from a gratitude list..

[dominosarah]

You are in the drivers seat right now.  It is up to you to change things up here.  Ya you are just going thru the motions.  Change that motion up.  You were given a 2nd chance at life, many arent given that.  It is very common to feel this way as we think once we put the pills down life should just open up for us.  It doesnt work that way.  I am a big one on making a gratitude list.  Look around at all you have to be grateful for.  You woke up this morning, with a roof over your head.  Many didnt wake up and many slept huddled up outside.  Staying clean is hard work, chasing that high is deadly.  We danced with the devil long enough and we made it out alive.  Look around my friend at all you have, you will be amazed~

[ROSYouralright]

I am glad to see you posting about this and I KNOW  that you are going to get some amazing advice...