fiance of an addict

[atlasshrugged]

I need some help. My fiance told me last Wednesday that he has been addicted to vicodin since Jan.09. He has not used since Jan.07(recovering cocaine addict-went thru rehab). He started back in NA on Friday, and has gone to a meeting every night since. I"m going to a Nar-Anon meeting on Tuesday night. I can't see past my pain. I feel betrayed! He lied to me! We were so happy, and he took that away! I know that he needs help, and I want to support him. I love him, but am I wasting my time. Can he change? Will it happen again? How can I trust him?
I'm a single mom of a 5 yr old boy. He has an 11 yr old daughter who lives w/her mom. I don't know what to do. If I end things, will that cause him to use again?  I want my pain to go away!!

[TiredOfThis3307]

I have my own addiction problems, but my husband has definitely put me through hell and back. He totalled both of our cars and got arrested twice (within 2 months), lost multiple jobs ... He went to detox and has been completely clean for 9 days now. This is after 3 years of being addicted to hydrocodone, xanex, valium, muscle relaxers, etc. I can't even tell you how many times I've been lied to by him. That said, I can't imagine life without him. He is helping me detox now, and he has been so wonderfully supportive.

Addicts lie. I've lied. He has lied a lot. At the end of the day, there is no intention of "hurting" (ie; destroying) anyone... you just can't really see what you're doing until it's too late sometimes.

Good luck. I hope everything works out well for you.

[Britt19891]

Hello :)

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It's definetly one of the hardest things I've ever gone through in my own life. I am 20 years old and my BF is 19 years old, we've been together for 5 1/2 years now. Middle school sweethearts :). Anyhow, my BF has been an addict for about 3 years now. He started off smoking weed, than it progressed in to cocaine, than crack, than pills, and he is currently struggling with a bad herion addiction now. He just got out of jail where he served 5 months because of a DUI and other charges all of them because of his drug habit.

I have basically been to hell and back with him and his addictions. I have put my own life in danger on several occasions. He has stolen stuff from me and my family more times than I can even count on both hands. So that's *some* of what I have been through with him. So why? why would I stay...to this day I ask my self that question. Love possibly? I love this man with all I have. And to see someone you love be completly swallowed up by drugs is devastating. I have tried to fight this battle with him for the last 3 years of my life. I was dedicated to the battle too. But he just wasn't. I think with an addict you can only do so much, they have to want to stop using and change. They are the ones that have to surrender and say enough is enough. I have learned all of this the hard way.
I cannot tell you to leave him. I'd be a hypocrite if I did. But I can tell you this. Addicts are good people. Really good people. They just make bad decisions and let drugs overtake them. And of course they deserve a chance. They need support, they need love, they need hope. BUT the most important thing to remember is to maintain YOURSELF. There will come a point when you have did all you could do and you have to then let them do the rest. I used to think I could save him but than I finally came to the realization that only he can save him self with God in him. I dont no your personal relgious beliefs and I hope this doesnt offend anyone, this is just my belief. But the point the change has to come within before anything else.

Stay strong, this battle is a long, emotional, physical, just exhausting one! Hope for the best prepare for the worst, that's the motto of being with an addict I'll say.

I know it gets hard cause you feel so alone, so If you ever need to talk, have question or just to vent, I am a pretty goof listener :) feel free to stop on by.... :)
"you never know how strong you really are, until being strong is the only choice you have"
Take care, Britt

[KiaKaha]

Hi! I'll tell you my story in the hope it comforts you at this time,
2 years ago I woke up to find my husband vomiting into the rubbish bin in our kitchen. He was drenched in sweat and shaking all over, I asked him what was wrong and he said he must have a tummy bug. He said he had a doctors appt in half anhour and could I take him there. I said I thought he was too sick for the docotrs room and we should go to the hospital, he reluctantly agreed.
We have 2 school age boys so I dropped him at the hospital, took him through to the ER and then had to leave to pick up the kids from school. 30min later I returned to find him competely well. All symptoms were gone. I was totally amazed! He asked me to take the kids out of the cubicle cos he had something to tell me. I did so, my heart was racing. What on earth did he want to tell me?  I went back in and he told me he was using IV morphine.  I lost it!!! I cried and cried and told him how selfish he was, how could he do this to ur family etc etc. The ER doc's had given him some IV morphine to stop the withdrawals and gave him his first methadone dose. All I saw ahead for us was doom and gloom.  
It took me a couple of days to digest the information and I asked alot of questions as alot of 'strange' behaviour I'd noticed previously all started to make sense. it was like a movie unfolding in my head.
We sat and cried together and I told him I loved him and that I was going to support him through the process but I couldn't promise anything, it would have to be day by day.
2 years later...
He's now in the last week of his methadone treatment and I can see the light at the end of a very long tunnel!  It's been a very challenging journey. I too felt betrayed. Some days I'd just start to cry in my room wondering HOW this could've happened, I had terrible trust issues. I would on occasion ransack the house looking for **** cause I was sure he must've been using again. I chose to believe him even though it was hard cause I'd learned alot along the way about addiction and lies etc.
I chose to stay and I'm so glad I did. It's been a journey for both of us. The dynamics of our relationship/family changed alot as I became the carer but it is getting better .
We chose not to tell the boys. They love their Dad and together we have SURVIVED THE JOURNEY!!!
Like others have said...only you can make the decision. And you're right...you don't have to make a decision today. Take care of yourself and your son and understand it has nothing to do with you even though it has ultimately affected you. I had to seperate it all in my mind or else I would've gone mad!Lol!
I'll look out for your posts. You're on the right track babe.
lots of love xxx

[atlasshrugged]

Thanks for the positive posts. They help.
So I went to my first Nar-Anon mtg. last night, and it was good. I was able to vent to people that were going through the exact same thing I was and understood.  I will be going back.
One of the things that I took from the mtg. is that I don't have to make any decisions about my relationship today. I am going to focus on me(and my son) and healing myself.  I am going to try and support my fiance as he gets help for his addiction. That's all I can do for now.

[worried878]

many dont tell their deep dark secrets until they feel secure with someone..obviously he felt secure with u...eveytime i meet a guy i am not gonna tell them every negative thing about myself/and neither do they..i was engaged and never brought up my past addiction....low and behold/it was his secrets that ended the relationship and not mine

everyone/almost evryone/has sumpin they do now wish to share...thing is, ur guy did...i wished my guy woulda done the same///his secrets had nuttin to do with addiction///but lies are lies,,and ultimately the lies i "decided" to believe took me into a very dark place..

he told u one of the hardest things an addict could ever tell another human being much less one he loved...the truth is so much better than lies/but lies r so much easier than the truth..he sounds like a strong guy..now it is only the bit of info i have here to go with that assumption

u know he did not have to tell u..and i dont blame u if u do not want to spend the rest of ur life with an addict..that is ur decision..it really is a large load to carry...but he did not have to tell u//and he did..to me that is such a wonderful thing in this day and age....it is a "me" world...and he must love u to open up like that

All I know from my short 49 yrs on this earth is that true love is hard to find...sit back and evaluate the situation//remebering that this can happen to anyone.Dont judge him...u can never judge a person until u walked in their shoes....If this is not sumpin u can deal with, or if he continues to relapse //i would walk away without a look back...only u know the details....and not gonna say what i would do either way...just know if u really think he loves u, i would give it a chance

[BoredToDeath]

As IBK said, you are the only one who can make that decision. In my opinion, eventhough ur fiance may have recently made a selfish decision, it doesn't seem like he intentionally meant to hurt you or your relationship. He did mess up with making the poor decision to use again and a selfish decision to keep it from you for so long, but at least he eventually did confront you and is already taking action to move forward. His lack of communication with you has hurt you, just imagine how he feels. Not only did he hurt you, but he's had a relapse and is now at risk for losing his fiance for it. As with any other disease, addiction isn't something that he's chosen to struggle with and its definately not something that's just going to go away. His addiction is a part of him, who he is and is with him for the rest of his life. If you choose to spend your life with him, you are also going to have to learn to accept this and be understanding and supportive as you face obsticles and stress throughout your lives. If you decide that you're going to try and work this out and move forward with your lives together, you want him to be able to come to you for support/motivation and with honesty so you can help him. In my opinion, and please don't be offended as I'm not trying to be rude...maybe its not the mistake that he just made that you're upset about and are considering leaving him over...could it be the weight and pressure of the disease he has that you'll have to be along side of and commited to helping him to fight and stay strong..? Its a lot of 'responsibility'(for lack of a better word) to carry on your shoulders..as I can relate to kind of in some way..my fiance was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia/bipolar.. It took me quite sometime to grasp this and get my thoughts, feelings,etc. in order before I could actually make the decision that I was/am going to marry him and work through every bump in the road as his wife. The more knowledge you have about what he is dealing with, and the more help you get as his companion, the easier it is to understand, cope with, and work through each obsticle. I hope that you understand where I'm coming from and that this is all just my own personal opinion. Sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to, and we aren't always dealt a fair hand, you have to decide what's best for your future and your childs future, don't stay with him just for his happiness...do what your heart tells you to do. Good luck, I hope I made some sense.

[avisg]

IBK is so right you can not put on your shoulders whether he uses or not !!! It is HIS choice every time he puts that pill in his mouth.I understand why you are feeling all of the feelings that you are. Go to the  al anon meeting take a little time to figure out what you want .You and your child's happiness and safely have to be first .I hope he keeps up with the meetings and stays clean but in the end that choice is all on him.

[IBKleen]

Hi & Welcome,

I don't think anyone here can make the decision for you to leave him or not but maybe we can help you to understand addiction.

He will be an addict for the rest of his life. He has to choose whether he will be an active addict or an addict in recovery.

The good news is he did the right thing by starting back at meetings and if he continues and gets to the root of his problems he can lead a normal life. But he has to be diligent.

You also have done the best thing by planning to go to Al-Anon. You will find yourself in a group of people just like you who understand what you are going through and can help you sort through your feelings.

One thing I will say is you cannot stay to keep him clean. You are concerned that if you leave he will use. Don't put that on yourself. That is entirely up to him. If you do decide to leave it is because you want to do it for YOU and your family.

Best of luck and feel free to post anytime and ask questions. Someone is always here who can help you.