freakin out here. red flagged

[MsSally]

As I've read thru some posts on the topic. I couldn't help feel there wasn't a lotta cold honesty. If you want help. Be honest. Here I go.

First my question. How long before I'm hauled away? Yes I'm that scared.

Been fighting this roller coaster longer than I can remember. As I've shared. I went CT last weekend. Broke down Tues. Got a new script from my pain management Dr. This one consisted of half the normal fill plus methadone.  Used a few norcos to keep wd's away. Its been great. I'm functioning and breaking this nasty demon. Haven't touched methadone. First pharmacy didn't have norco. Next pharmacy won't fill cuz I've been listed or flagged on some system here in Cali. Panic. I don't have ins. So went to ma and pop pharmacy that knows me and my Dr well. Use to be cheapest. Always went. Then found a CVS that was half the price. Another CVS was double. Anyhow. Get it filled but in panic mode now. Why? Well. Like most.  Middle class employed mom in pain. Here's the deal. Dr shopping. Yes I have a past this last year. When that pharmacist read off all drs that wrote me a script this year I was shocked. 2 pages she had. First. Half the names were PA's in my spinal care center. High turn around. That I'm not worried about. What scares me are the others. Er visits. We've all been there. A few dentists. That was legit I needed antibiotics but wasn't gonna turn down the pain meds. Most terrifying. My former employer. Yup I work in the medical field. Small office. Paper charts. My Co worker called in a script. A few others signed the refill faxes for me. This stopped almost a year ago. Fear is. I left that job on bad terms. Unrelated. But the Dr blames me for almost loosing her practice. After I left due to verbal and emotional abuse. The other 2 employees left. She went to er for chest pain. Lost pts. Cuz she didn't know how to run her office.  Now flash forward 10would months. I'm flagged in some Cali drug system. If they contact my former employer. As a prescribing Dr. She will know. I never personally picked up any of the scripts. Nor sign them. Maybe 1.

What's the process after being in this system? Just ***** cuz I'm finally getting the old me back. Wrestled all morning with my bf. Went out to lunch. Ran errands. Normally a weekend was me laying on the couch for 2you days while my bf did everything. Then dreading work come Monday. These lil yellow pills that once gave energy. Now sucked all life from me. Here I am finally feeling normal and my life may be taken away.

[all_alone1]

I am sooo sorry to hear you are having such d difficult time concerning this red flag cituation not that you are working on a new you.....isn't it strange how if it isn't one thing it is always another...

I am soo sorry I am not able to give input on the red flag system and what may come of it..but I am glad you posted so that others on here can share their insight with you on what they know or experienced

Haing in there things always have a way of working themselves out and it is usually not as bad as we think....

Lots og hugs
Angie

[all_alone1]

Hey miss sally I am glad to see you post haven't read it all but ejoyed you PM...I will comment again after I read the who thred.

[gg636]

Everthing will be okay..... Stay Srong and remember you have alot of support here!

[MsSally]

I dread my phone sometimes.  Auto correct *****. During my desperate times in the last year I've used maybe 3 dentists. Not 31 lol

[kyle505]

I also believe that whatever comes down the road, being clean and the fact that you got off the drugs on your own will go a long way to show that you have changed. Yes, tapering is still using, but if you can taper off the stuff you will be doing your body a favor. Just be careful - one pill can lead to just two, and on and on. Don't listen to your head.

[MsSally]

I can promise that it was Co workers that helped. Like I said. I think I signed 1 FAX for refill. I was scared. I would tell them I couldn't afford my Dr visit. They knew I was a recently divorced struggling mom and a cash trip to my Dr was a struggle. They did it cuz they thought they were helping in a good way. Not cuz o needed something cuz I ran short again. Even worse. Those scripts I sent my neighbor or bf to pick up. So my signature wasn't on the pharmacy log. Not proud but I was desperate last year.

Yes I didn't plan on filling this final script. But after coming clean to my Dr.  The physical attributes and thoughts. Well I talked to my bf and did fill it. Knowing my Dr knows I've been using more and more.  My bf knows I've been abusing period. Mentally I feel I failed at first. But for me. It's working. I'm proud of who I'm becoming and look forward to being proud of who I'll be. Now I fear that choice to fill that final script and taper per my drs advice may have been my downfall.

Right now I can't help but smile. My bf snoring on the couch cuddling the dog and normally I'd be running to my lil yellow helpers while he's not looking. Chasing God only knows what. But here I am. 6 hours from my last pill.  Not craving. Happy I will sleep thru the night.  Looking forward to see how far I can go tomorrow before I need a dose. Dr says spread the hours apart with a slow taper. Its like my new addiction. How far can I go between doses lol. But this fear in my head is eating me up. Afraid of a knock at the door.

I know tapering is still using. I know the chances and ease of just 1 more. I also know the seriousness of my situation and being totally clean is my only option. I can't ever fill a script again. The more time I can put between my name and a fill. The better I feel. I also know how much those around me love and need me. Many here have been clean for months and years thru a tapering method. I one day will be one of them :)