help please

[bobbyboushea]

Ok, I've been reading from this site for a few weeks now and have decided it's time to stop being a spectator and join in. I have been using Lortab for about 2 years now and I have stopped a thousand times and restarted a thousand and one. I cant do this on my own. It started out as just a way to make the day go better as I would buy them from a coworker. Now I find myself spending the biggest part of every day looking for them. I know I have to quit but I just cant. Let me tell you what a typical day is for me. I wake up at about 2:00 a.m. start flipping the channels on the t.v. cause I know I wont go back to sleep. At 5:00 I get up, make myself a cup of coffee and take the last 5 or 6 lortab 10's that I have. At 6:00 I make my wife a cup of coffee and wake her up to get ready for work. At 7:00 I take my wife to work, come home, start thinking about where I am going to find some more Lortabs to get me through the day. At 9:00 I start calling all of the usual people where I have bought from in the past. If I am lucky I will find something before 3:30 when it is time to pick my wife back up for work. I should tell you that I was working in a factory for several years, making great money, until a year ago when the factory closed and put everyone out of work. Anyway if I dont find anything by the time I pick her up then I will make an excuse to leave and go out and find some. If i'm lucky I may find 10 or 15 tabs. When I get them I swear to myself that I am only going to take if I am in absolute pain, but by the end of the day I will have taken all but enough to get me started the next day.Then at 2:00 a.m. I am back up to start over again. I know I cant live like this much longer but when I try to quit I hurt and ache so bad that getting more is all I can think about. My lorst and scariest experience happened last week. I have been taking money out of our savings account to buy the tabs with, since I'm not working I pay all the bills and my wife does'nt pay much attention to the bank account. Last week I took out 500:00 dollars and set off to find some pills. I have noticed that I have been searching in progressively more dangerous places, Anyhow I find myself a few hours later in the bad area of town talking to someone who I didnt know, he was introduced to me by a guy that is a freind of a person I usually buy from. He told me to follow him to his house because he had some tabs there. On the way ther he stopped in the middle of the street and picked up another guy, then proceeded a few blocks to a gas station. He got out of his car, came over to mine and told me that he didnt have any tabs but this guy he picked up had a lot that he would sell cheap. The other guy got out of his car and got into mine and told me his grandmother had them and I would need to take him back down the street. I drove back to where he had initially gotten in the car with the other guy and he told me to pull into the driveway. The house looked vacant to me and nothing felt righht about it but I wanted the pills so bad I didnt care. He said we would have to enter through the back door so I followed him to the back . I knew my instincts were right when he turned around and stuck a gun in my face and demanded all of my money. I never felt so much fear in my life. One minute I was about to make a big score and the next I was begging him not to kill me. He took my money and ran off and left me standing there shaking. I got back in my car and drove home, swearing to myself that I was done with them because it wasnt worth dying for.  The next day I was back out on the streets looking again. What is wrong with me? I have always considered myself to be a strong minded person. If that were true then why cant I stop this. I know that if I dont I will eventually be found dead somewhere, but I just cant stop myself. I have thought about trying rehab but I would be to embarassed. I know I could'nt do it without my friends and family finding out, and I dont know how I would face them. It's now 11:00 a.m. and I'm back where I've been a thousand times. I have enough left for one more "fix". then I am out looking again. I want to take it now but I know if I do and I dont find any today I will suffer tonight. What I really want is for things to go back the way they were before I started taking this **** but I dont know how to get there. I could tell a lot more on my story, like how I've went to so many doctors complaining of pain in order to get the pills, but from what I've read in this forum I guess thats pretty typical. I'm sorry my first letter is so long, but I just wanted everyone to have an idea of where I am coming from. I know I need help and I keep reading on here how talking helps so much so I thought I would try it.                    Thanks

[marcatj]

God Bobby...I am so,so sorry.  I in no way meant to judge you.... I thought it was just a possibility, that's all.  Being an addict myself, it was just the first thought that came to my mind - that perhaps unconciously it was one more way to keep using.  I didn't mean it as a judgement or anything like that... I only said it as I thought it might be something that could be going on with you...

I apologize profusely, and know I only said it because I thought it might help.  Clearly I was wrong.

I wish you nothing but good things, and a happy life.  And I am certain you will beat this.

Again, I am so very sorry...

God bless,
mj

[bobbyboushea]

It has nothing to do with the "jig" being up. She knows that I take some from time to time. She just doesnt know the real frequency or amount. She is very loving and supportive. Every man should know the kind of love that I get from this woman. The 29th of this month is my 25th wedding anniversary and I am only 44. We got married young and have been through hell together, and through it all she has been by me. But I am so scared that the disappointment will be more than she can handle. I came on here looking for advice and help from people who have been there and I was so thankful of everyones comments until I read yours. After I had finally stopped crying, just feeling sorry for myself I guess, you got me started all over again. I dont know exactly to take your question. I do want to quit, and I appologize if you mis interpeted my motives. But I also want to thank you for forceing me to ask myself that tough question. Until you asked I thought I knew. Now I fear that maybe I was caught up in reading all the comments from member to member and admiring all the support everyone gives to each other. This is my first day here so I dont have a lot of victory stories about how many days I have been clean. But one thing I do know is that I want to stop and will continue to read, and attempt to respond to all advice, And some day soon, regardless of what you think my alterior motive is, I will be able to brag about my victory.

[marcatj]

i have to ask you: are you really afraid of telling your wife because "she will hate you?"  or is it because once the cat is out of the bag, then the jig is really up?

forgive me if i'm wrong, but I felt like that's what i really heard in your post.  especially since in the same breath you said she's incredibly loving and supportive.

it seems to me you have to really ask yourself that question. if you really, really want to get clean, I think - as everyone else does - you need to confide in her.  that is the first step...

good luck, my friend.  please stop this madness, or you will end up dead...

-mj

[bobbyboushea]

I know I need to tell her but I think I fear that part the most. I have been sitting here reading all of the comments and doing a lot of soul searching, and I still dont know what to do . To be honest, I just got off the phone from trying unsucessfully to make an appointment with a physician. when I hung up the next call was to a "friend" of nine to try and find some tabs. I will be honest, part of me hates me for wanting this stuff so bad, cut another part says that it is okay. I keep thinking that if I can just get enough to get through one more doy that I can quit tomorrow. but tomorrow never comes. On a "good"day when I can find it I take about 6 10mg Lortabs and 2 350mg soma 3 or 4 times a day. I hate to think about the total number I have taken over the last year alone. I've only been on this forum for a few hours and I already feel myself slipping. I have enough left to take one more time and part of me wants to take it right now, yet another part knows I will need it to sleep tonight. I dont know what to do, I guess I will hold off as long as I can.

[ItIsTime]

i know it seems hard telling your wife, but if your story is like mine (and it sounds very similar), your wife knows something is wrong.  She may not know that it's pain pills, but she knows that you are not acting like your self.  When I told my wife, she was upset, but also relieved that it wasn't something else.  While using, I was very distant, almost like a zombie to my wife.  Not telling her my secret was eating me up inside.  Telling her was a relief to me, that I didn't have to lie anymore, that I didn't have to pretend to have the flu anymore.  Since I told her we have been completely open and honest with each other.  She did many things that helped me during the withdrawals (exercising with me, scheduled me a massage, brought me soup and vitamin water, kicked me in the butt, etc.).  Most importantly, I had someone to talk to about my problem.  Don't get me wrong, this forum is great and I have received invaluable advice from the kind people here, but this forum is not a substitute for face-to-face conversations with someone you love and trust.

How you tell her is up to you.  Just tell her the truth and it will set you free.

It is time!

[what2donow]

I know that this is a very scary diesease.I know you can do this though.After you tell your wife you will feel like a weight has been lifted off of your sholders.That alone will make you feel so much better.Im sure she will be upset at first,but then im sure she will want to help.

How many do you take a day?

your in my thoughts
Jennifer