help please

[bobbyboushea]

Ok, I've been reading from this site for a few weeks now and have decided it's time to stop being a spectator and join in. I have been using Lortab for about 2 years now and I have stopped a thousand times and restarted a thousand and one. I cant do this on my own. It started out as just a way to make the day go better as I would buy them from a coworker. Now I find myself spending the biggest part of every day looking for them. I know I have to quit but I just cant. Let me tell you what a typical day is for me. I wake up at about 2:00 a.m. start flipping the channels on the t.v. cause I know I wont go back to sleep. At 5:00 I get up, make myself a cup of coffee and take the last 5 or 6 lortab 10's that I have. At 6:00 I make my wife a cup of coffee and wake her up to get ready for work. At 7:00 I take my wife to work, come home, start thinking about where I am going to find some more Lortabs to get me through the day. At 9:00 I start calling all of the usual people where I have bought from in the past. If I am lucky I will find something before 3:30 when it is time to pick my wife back up for work. I should tell you that I was working in a factory for several years, making great money, until a year ago when the factory closed and put everyone out of work. Anyway if I dont find anything by the time I pick her up then I will make an excuse to leave and go out and find some. If i'm lucky I may find 10 or 15 tabs. When I get them I swear to myself that I am only going to take if I am in absolute pain, but by the end of the day I will have taken all but enough to get me started the next day.Then at 2:00 a.m. I am back up to start over again. I know I cant live like this much longer but when I try to quit I hurt and ache so bad that getting more is all I can think about. My lorst and scariest experience happened last week. I have been taking money out of our savings account to buy the tabs with, since I'm not working I pay all the bills and my wife does'nt pay much attention to the bank account. Last week I took out 500:00 dollars and set off to find some pills. I have noticed that I have been searching in progressively more dangerous places, Anyhow I find myself a few hours later in the bad area of town talking to someone who I didnt know, he was introduced to me by a guy that is a freind of a person I usually buy from. He told me to follow him to his house because he had some tabs there. On the way ther he stopped in the middle of the street and picked up another guy, then proceeded a few blocks to a gas station. He got out of his car, came over to mine and told me that he didnt have any tabs but this guy he picked up had a lot that he would sell cheap. The other guy got out of his car and got into mine and told me his grandmother had them and I would need to take him back down the street. I drove back to where he had initially gotten in the car with the other guy and he told me to pull into the driveway. The house looked vacant to me and nothing felt righht about it but I wanted the pills so bad I didnt care. He said we would have to enter through the back door so I followed him to the back . I knew my instincts were right when he turned around and stuck a gun in my face and demanded all of my money. I never felt so much fear in my life. One minute I was about to make a big score and the next I was begging him not to kill me. He took my money and ran off and left me standing there shaking. I got back in my car and drove home, swearing to myself that I was done with them because it wasnt worth dying for.  The next day I was back out on the streets looking again. What is wrong with me? I have always considered myself to be a strong minded person. If that were true then why cant I stop this. I know that if I dont I will eventually be found dead somewhere, but I just cant stop myself. I have thought about trying rehab but I would be to embarassed. I know I could'nt do it without my friends and family finding out, and I dont know how I would face them. It's now 11:00 a.m. and I'm back where I've been a thousand times. I have enough left for one more "fix". then I am out looking again. I want to take it now but I know if I do and I dont find any today I will suffer tonight. What I really want is for things to go back the way they were before I started taking this **** but I dont know how to get there. I could tell a lot more on my story, like how I've went to so many doctors complaining of pain in order to get the pills, but from what I've read in this forum I guess thats pretty typical. I'm sorry my first letter is so long, but I just wanted everyone to have an idea of where I am coming from. I know I need help and I keep reading on here how talking helps so much so I thought I would try it.                    Thanks

[bobbyboushea]

thanks to all, it is reassuring to know that so many understand. I am going to try and look into the suboxone and possibly try it. At this point I guess I have nothing more to loose. I will keep in touch.

[nogie1717]

I know exactly the "yucky" feeling you get when trying to score.  Before I went to treatment, my only "friend" was this loser who lived for free in a home I owned in exchange for Methadone.  Well, progressively he started charging more and more, and could only give me fewer and fewer pills until I finally said F*** IT.  I broke down, told my wife and 4 hours later was on my way to treatment.  Like ITISTIME, I regretted opening my mouth because I would have scored in a day or two, but in the long run it was well worth it.
My w/d's lasted nearly three weeks b/c of the Methadone and I never felt totally right.  In my opinion, I was detoxed too quickly from Subutex in the treatment facility.  Three months out of rehab, I was stealing Fentanyl and Dilaudid from an old woman with cancer and doing everything I could to score- doctor shopping, etc.  Finally, I was confronted by my grandpa when I stole pills from his wife (my Grandma died in 1996).  The cat was out of the bag--again--and thankfully this time I looked up a doctor on the NAABT website.
I don't believe in God-although I wish I did- but it was truly a miracle when I found my doctor.  I live in SD and there are only two doc's in the state who do Sub.  One is 7 hours away and the one who is 2 hours away wouldn't take me for some reason.  I found a doctor in Fargo, ND who has been wonderful.  We have an honest, open relationship and understands my dilemma of travel and will call in scripts if I can't make it and the list goes on and on.
TRY SUBOXONE!!
It has literally saved my life.
Good luck.

Luke

[bobbyboushea]

I know your right but I just dont know how to tell her. I swear, i feel like a baby. Here i am a grown man and i cant stop crying after reading your response. It's nice to know that someone understands. I know I have to talk to my wife but I am so scared that she will be so disapointed and hate me for it. I love her so much and I know I could'nt handle losing her, especially over something that I did.  Deep down I know that she has such a good heart that she would do anything to help. But a small part of ,a part large enough to stop me, keeps saying that she will hate me for it. I wouldnt even know how to bring it up. The day that guy stole my money I told myself all day that I was going to tell her when she got home from work but when the time came I just couldnt do it. How do you suggest I bring up the subject. I quess I could let her read this blog and then discuss it with her afterwards but I am so scared of losing her over it.

[GoingToMakeIt]

I totally agree about the honesty. It is too hard do try to do this on your own. I agree with tink1127. Switching to a legal means is a far safer route to go! What is more important, living or being shot? We are here to support you. Drug dealers don't care about you one bit.

[tink1127]

have you looked into Suboxone? After 6yrs I finally made the leap and JUST DID IT!!! No one knew I went and was put on it (except my boyfriend) Honesty is the best thing and you should talk to your wife, but if your not ready to do that yet, you could go and start the Suboxone and in time you will be able to be honest with her. If you have insurance it should cover it. If not, the amount of $$$ your spending now on pills could be spent on treatment.  On Suboxone you will feel "normal" again. I have made soooo many better choices since I started on it. The hardest part was the "fear" of W/D, which you do not have w/ suboxone. When I started I went into the Clinic every day and got dosed and worked my way to taking home a weeks worth at a time, which you could easily do since you have time to go out and look for pills daily. some dr'.s even give you a RX for it so you only have to go in ance a month. If this is something your interested in, there a many people who are on, or have been on Suboxone that can help lead you in the right direction.

You made the first BIG step by coming here and asking for help, so dont give up, just take "baby steps" and keep coming here and talking to others.

Good Luck
Tink  :)

[ItIsTime]

I agree with Kleen; you need to confide in your wife.  Telling my wife was a turning point for me.  I spent the first three days thinking that if I hadn't told her I could get some more pills and this would all be over.  Man I'm glad I told her, otherwise I would still be making deals with shady people rather than living right with those that I love.  Just think how much better you will be without having the burden of finding drugs every day.

Time
13 Days - better than ever!