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1198664 tn?1368647812

OMG Today :(((((((( You won't believe it.

I really really don't want to relapse but I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Today (end of day 6 of detoxing for me) I mustered up enough strength to pull myself to work (my wife and I both work at one of my areas largest pain management centers), I had missed a total of 4 days work, my wife missed 2 she did some slight detoxing as well but mostly there form me. We had NEVER missed one day since we had been there and work very hard. Now I knew it was going to be hard to go back there and face all that but I was determined with my wife by my side. And as soon as we get there ev eryone usually is very nice to both of us but this morning people were just hanging their heads at us like we had died or something! Long story short after all kinds of crap that I wont go into, I was pulled into an exam room and told I had been moved (demoted) to the damn filing room!!!! Which is like a closet with all the records!!!! And I had a pretty high job there! I had missed a total of 4 days!!!! And had things squared away with my bos about having the flu. I just got my wife and walked out. I can't believe it. I have NO INCOME again :(((((((((( I am seriously about to have a huge nervous breakdown and panic attack at the same time, this could have NOT come at a worse time!!!!!!! Please don't judge me for walking out I just could not sit there and have everyone looking at me like that I couldn't work in that hampster room!!!! But this is what got me really hooked on the damn pills in the first place not having a job!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the hell am I going to do now my house payment is already going on 3 months behind AGAIN and I already went through a re-mod to save it this summer. I can't deal I really can't right now. The job market here *****! I cant believe this :((((((((((((( NOT NOW. The only thing I am doing now is cleaning the **** out of the house but I am TIRED already. I am not 100% yet and mentally not ready for this I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Avatar universal
Hey~  You don't want to hear this but it may have been a blessing in disguise!  Try to calm down and start thinking. Notify the necessary people of your job loss and just concentrate on a new job. This is not the end of the world but it will be tough if you don't become proactive!

You say being jobless contributed to taking the pills. I think working around pills is the worst thing for you both. Take the next few days to look around for a new job and keep your guard up. This will be a major test for you...don't fail!

Good luck!
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1198664 tn?1368647812
My God I really feel like I am going to die. Really. It's that bad.
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Avatar universal
Oddly enough before I even read Vickies reply I thought the exact same thing. Blessing in disguise. Seriously working there would have been the equivalent of the carrot on a stick. Constant temptation isn't something you need.

This is an opportunity to reinvent yourself. Maybe a move, a new job, maybe even new state. Things will work out. Somehow even the hardest situations have a way of coming together. I believe everything happens for a reason and although it sure as **** doesn't feel that way now, months down the road it'll become clear why this job had to go. I think it's already clear that maybe God didn't want all the pain to be in vain and your human. Working in a place like that would eventually play games with your head. Knowing those ppl got a script and hmm wouldn't one be nice.. No it would lead you straight back to addictive hell.

Get to a meeting asap, your teetering too close to the edge.
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Avatar universal
Hey, listen, I know that you're miserable, but you gotta calm down.  There ARE worse things.  You're still clean, right?  That's something!  Concentrate on the positive.  Take a hot shower.  Try to get your mind on something besides pills and relapse.  Is there anyone you can call or a meeting you could go to?
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Avatar universal
Hey Back2, listen, you are not going to die, you are going to live and you are going to be victorious.  You can not give up now.  You have fought through h*ll for days.  Suck it up!!  You can do this!  You will get another job, you will not take any pills.  You are going to be the dad and husband that you know you are.  Hang in there.  This is temporary.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey dude sorry to here about your job loss but I agree with Vicki this is probably a blessing in disguise .....I could not fathom working around those pills and all the cravings they would cause ....your recovery has to be number 1 here without that nothing else maters it will all fall apart....you said you where a v/p once go to ladders website its ******* but if I write it here like that they will block it look for a job that is up to your potential ..use this time for your recovery start hitting meetings with your free time just becaused your unemployed dosent mean your going to relapse you will be fine work the meetings...hang in there you will get threw this trust in God he has a plan i will keep you in my prayers good luck and God bless......Gnarly
Helpful - 0
1198664 tn?1368647812
Thanks guys. We are at my moms now having lunch. I just couldn't stay home right now. And I know I must get through this but it's a real bitsh. I have to start all over with my job. Anyway my nerves are a wreck right now anyway then this. Vick, gnar, and lyn and everyone you have all been by my side through this and Im not forgetting it. Your advice for the time is calming me down a little ( well that and the 1/2 vailum).  Anyway. Thanks. :(.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am concerned about you back2.  I don't think you realize just how strong of a person you are.  I know you don't feel like it but for example, I honestly don't think I could CT the amount of drugs you did.  That is huge!  It is going to take a while to recover, mentally, physically, spiritually (going through this hits at your very soul!) and emotionally.  You have got to get it in your head that you are not in a race.  Take one day at a time, trust God, He will see you through.  I know it might not seem like it be He is.  I really, really wish you had some type of sponsor or someone there in person that could mentor you.  You need a friend that can relate that lives there and of course we are here too.

The thought keeps going through my head..are there any rehab facilities there to look for work at?  In a management position or maybe even another position at one?  The reason I say this is it would rewarding to you, you could help people, they would listen to you because you have suffered the same as them.  And a job somewhere like that would have constant support for you as well.  I have no idea if this would work for you but I wanted to throw it out there.  

Post back, hugs! lyn
Helpful - 0
1198664 tn?1368647812
That would be a great idea to work somewhere like that. I'm just not doing good at all today. And with no pills to make me feel indestructible I am just not doing very good at all.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yea, the pills do make you feel indestructable for about 10 mins. and then the regret pours over you like a house caving in.   Are you reading up on what to do to start healing your body and mind?  Remember, your brain is not up to par just yet.  I hope someone will post to you and me for that matter what opiates do to the brain and how we have to let time pass to start making dopamine on our own again so we feel better.

For me, I am taking a multivitamin with extra calcium & D and then also on the side a B-12 sublingual daily.  I drink a Muscle Milk Light (Vanilla Creme) protein drink daily.  This has 15 grams of protein, 100 calories, no sugar, 2.5 fat, and 450 of potassium.  Today I have had a can of plain tuna fish, some cottage cheese, 2 bananas, one boiled egg and will have and apple and a piece of baked chicken for supper.  And yes, it is all pretty gross right now with not having an appetite but I am just trying to put healthy stuff in only.  So far I have enough energy for each day.  I just keep in mind that I am healing my whole self, mind and body and with each passing day I will get stronger.

Have you read those pages to the lower left (foods that produce dopamine naturally, amino acids protocol) yet?  There is a wealth of info and it gives you a feeling of control especially for now when we feel so out of control.  hugs!  
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1198664 tn?1368647812
I was an INCH away from taking two darvocets a little bit ago. They were right in my hands. But I didn't do it. I think really the ONLY reason I didn't take it was because I was afraid of throwing myself back into withdrawals this being only the one week mark today. Other than that I think I would have done it. With what happened today and how I am feeling it is almost unbearable still. I am trying to stay focused but it's very hard I can hardly sit still. I can't stay home I can't leave I can't run from it! Every where I go there it is. And a darvocet or two for me would be like candy with my habit being over 160 mg of Oxycodone per day. But with this much clean time maybe they would have worked. They used to. For a few years I used them on long walks to help my back. They actually helped for a few years using them sparingly. But I know I know. They would probably lead to worse again. Not like I even have a job to afford any pills right now if I DID relapse. I just thought they would make me not have a nervous breakdown tonight. And they are the only two I have. I am really struggling tonight guys I was soooooooo ready to kick this things *** and then THIS happens right at christmas. I dont want to take any more valiums, Xanax or stupid klonopin I am SICK of the feeling I was getting from them last week. I just wanted something to help for tonight. Anyway i haven't taken them. And no I didn't flush them either. If it's that or having a nervous breakdown I'm probably gonna try that first. I am just sooo sick right now. I'm usually not this weak about stuff but this hit at a very very bad time for lots of reasons.
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1481358 tn?1288295091
Hey Im sorry your going through tough times. Its hard. I know. I run to pills to comfort me. At least on the inside, for a few minutes. Dont forget what happens next! You dont have anymore pills. And you have alot less money. Im fighting with ya and just know that life is better without pills. Ive had a small taste and its good. Im broke. All the time. I dont know how I have what I have. I dont know how long I will keep it. I dont know when It will be taken away. Remember this. We get tricked by seeing people still using. Things seem to be going ok. On the outside. Your doing the right thing. I quit xanax about a month ago after about 10 years! I just knew I needed it to help me sleep. I dont. You want it and the best way is just take alittle less than yesterday. It will be a very bad time with these pills weighin ya down. I wish you the very best.
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1047946 tn?1332608029
Sorry to hear about the loss of your job. When stress hits an addict the first thing we think of is using. That's all we know. What would someone that is not an addict do if they were in your situation? They would work through it and you can too. Honestly, what's two darvocet gonna do for you? Is it going to get you a job? Life is going to pan out exactly the same whether you take them or not. I can guarantee you will end up feeling a lot worse than you do now if you end up taking them.
You're going to have stress and triggers for the rest of your life. You will continue to relapse until you figure out how to fight through the stresses of life no matter how stressful they are. This is a big test but one you can pass. Just think how much stronger you will be once you get through this without using?
You have some great credentials and there are plenty of companies out there that could benefit from you. You never know. You could have a new job within a week and you could be right back on track.
Hang in there buddy!

Brian
Helpful - 0
1198664 tn?1368647812
I'm not going to take it. The hell with it. What ever dosent kill you right. 7 days over. Hooray for me :(
Helpful - 0
1518141 tn?1290819155
Does this make sense?  If you use...it is going to be harder to find a job because most of the jobs do drug testing. When I first got sober...all the cars windows in my driveway were smashed by a drug collector that was after my son.  I didn't think I would make it thru that hour with the cops without a drink.  Then my life was being threatened....same drug lord..didn't think I would make it thru that either...I thought, what the heck...he's gonna kill me, I might as well drink.  For some reason...i didn't drink.  I wish you hadn't quit your job...most of us people addicted....are very impulsive...we don't THINK before we react.  But that is done with....and yes, everything happens for a reason.  Hopefully, your reason is that you are going to find a better suited job for you.  But, if you start getting intoxicated now...its going to be really hard to focus on looking for work...you will start to feel not good enough for anything...and you will deplete any funds that you will be able to get.  What a crappy day you had...but honestly, it sounds like you worked with a bunch of crappy people.  You told them you were out sick and they demote you?  You really don't want to work for people like that anyway.  If you use...your 6 days...of going thru WD was for nothing...and you don't ever have to go thru THAT again...if you just stay on track...This too shall pass!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey man, listen to me for a minute, calm down, take a deep breath. What happened to you today su cks, I'm going to tell you a story and keep it short...

7 years ago I had a business in California, I had lived there for 25+ years, I was deported back to Canada and given a 5 year ban because my papers were not in order. I tried to sneak back in, and was given a life ban.

I lost my business, my house, everything. Not to mention, my wife and 3 children were living in Cal. I had to move my family to Canada, with nothing here for me. I had to sell all my possessions, car furniture etc...14 months ago, my wife was deported from Canada and has been back in the States since. I have been fighting to get her here with me. In the last 7 years I have seen my wife for 2 of those years. She should be here soon. My kids married here and I have 6 grandchildren. I live in a small town, and things are working out.

Now I am not trying to make light of what happened to you, only that you can deal with it. We both have the same amount of clean time, we both went through cold turkey at the same time. I have 8 days today, you have 7 in at 6PM this evening...that's huge! don't let those bastards push you back.

Using will not make this better and you know it. You were at your mothers today. A little over a year ago, I went to my Moms and found her in the bathroom, she died of a heart attack, A very young 70's. I found her, and still am dealing with that shock. I started using shortly after that, yeah, it helped at first...but you know where it goes. And you do not want to go back there.

She used to say " I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet"

Life is a journey, hit the streets, your a smart guy, I know that from talking to you. Something will come around. Stay positive. Stay clean. Really, stay clean...I am pulling for you, I know it's hard, I have been there. Life su cks sometimes. But you can do this.
ct


Helpful - 0
401095 tn?1351391770
I am sorry, but u both quit your jobs because u got demoted?
I am not sure what u can do to fix ur dilemna...using isnt gonna help

This whole country is suffering from extreme unemployment, 9.8% on unemployment but 20% or more r unemployed..including me.  1 in 5 americans r on food stamps.
Americans have had to tighten their belt and cut down, which is even harder to do with lil or no income..and I am sorry.  Our govt does not however follow the trend and they have not cut down their spending as we have.  They are trying to pass a 1.2 trill ion dollar spending bill as I type with 6000 earmarks (pet projects) in it, like studdying bovine disease in michigan, or blueberry diseases in maine...couple million on texas obesity!

I find it horrible that folks in america are suffering thru this economy and it is as if they do not feel our pain..they r in the white house bubble.

I only know using is not gonna help nuttin..,.it will only cost money u do not have and make it harder to get back to work...meetings would be great right now...as I do know times like this can make us weak

Hang tight and keep posting
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1198664 tn?1368647812
Wow CT. Wow. I had no idea man. I am feeling a bit better now. Earlier I was really freaking out bad. I guess I just don't have very good coping skills I never really did I believe that's what got me into this pill mess in the first place. And now my nerves are so raw that it's even worse being in detox. Today is the very first day that I didn't break down like a big baby though so that's a pluss I guess. Even after all of that I held my emotions today. Finally. I have a lot of things to work out right now and I just wish I was about 6 months into this and not 7 days. I am still very weak. But man you have had some problems that's for sure. I hope everything works out. I dont know how you do it. I'm just going to check in for the night. Hopping in bed and watching a movie  I have kept myself moving all day and am very tired. I have lots to do in the morning :/ Thanks for that post buddy. Everyone else too. I know I'm a big PIDA right now but I'll be back to normal soon.
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Avatar universal
hang in there dude things will work them selfs out God has a plan for your life your not as alone as you might think....keep a positive attitude and get to some N/A meetings it will make this whole process ez on you hope you have a great night good luck and God bless...Gnarly
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Avatar universal
Good morning B2M. Day 8 for you, day 9 for me...that alone should put smiles on our faces. I took a moment when I woke up this morning to feel proud, you should too. I hope your head is a little clearer.

You know, sometimes we need to be pushed into a corner in order to find out what we are made of. I had no idea what I was capable of handling. I was put in a position to either give up or fight, I chose to fight. It seems you may be in a corner, you need to fight. Buddy, dig down deep, don't ever give up, you will be amazed what you can cope with. You know what I am saying is from the heart.

You reached out to me, I was going through some heavy ****, as you were. You helped me on day 3, knowing that there was someone going through exactly what I was going through at the same time. And I appreciate that.

You can do this.
ct

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1198664 tn?1368647812
Yeah man thanks. I already feel a little better today. I think its kind of a greiving process about that job. I though the doctor and I were actually FRIENDS. he treated very well for a long time. I really think I was making a lot of people uneasy there as fast as I was moving up and they finally got their chance when I was gone a few days. I know I needed to leave there just terrible timing. But you are right. No time to sulk. Well maybe one or two days :). Happy day 9 buddy!

Ps still not sleeping to good without assistance. Tried nothing last night at it was pretty rough. Other than that feeling better.
Helpful - 0
1531526 tn?1330736076
Hey there,
Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back. God, have I been where you were at mentally 1000 times. There's nothing I can say that'll make it better. But what should make you very proud is having those Darvocets in your hand and not taking them. What a huge thing to not do. I don't know that I would have been as strong as that.

It's totally a grieving process, you're right about that. It's not right at all what they did to you, but sounds to me like they were trying to make you quit, that way you wouldn't be able to collect unemployment. I was fired right after my employer at the time found out I was pregnant, used some dumb excuse. Thank God I was pregnant because I would have used that as an excuse and given myself permission to use.

It's so hard to feel any emotion sober. We're used to getting upset, take some pills; get anxiety, take some pills; someone upsets you or fires you!: take some pills...and then all of a sudden we don't/can't take the pills. i told my husband last night, it's our cooping mechanism. We internalize everything, and with all that in our heads, a 20 minute escape is a good thing, so we do it 55 times a day to escape everything! It's like telling someone (told my husband this too) to be called a name, ridiculed, etc., but put tape over your mouth and don't respond at all..it's that unnatural for us to not take pills, it's like asking the total impossible. But you made the impossible possible. That's amazing, and again, give yourself credit and know that if you can get through this sober, you can do anything.

On one last note, I used to work at a pain mgmt clinic too. Being around all these people getting all these pills made me think about using all the time, and I did. They didnt' have pills at the clinic, but it didn't help at all with me trying to get on the right path. I eventually got fired as well for some dumb reason, but in retrospect, I'm glad. If I had to keep working around all these people and calling in pills for people I would have done something dumb, let alone the fact that being around all those reminders of pills all day was making my anxiety soar, even though I was using at the time. So, it doesn't seem like it now, but the above posts are right in that it's probably a blessing. One week!!! Amazing, keep going, stay as strong as you already are, and give yourself more credit! Take care!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I was reading Back2me posts, really can understand your troubles and worries.  And people were posting what drugs have taken from us, i can say, my ambition, my self worth, my sex drive, my happiness.  And yesterday, i blew it, was feeling soooo down, things have not been good at home, my husband is worried about money, and some other matters.  He told me yesterday he wants a divorce, and said he really means it, he said he is tired of being married to a liar and a thief................i cried and cried, and went and tried to get script refilled early, dumb, dumb,,,pharmacy must know about me now,  Gonna get through this, dont need them, but was feeling so horrible, i felt like i had nothing to live for, so lets go down the dead end road....so im gonna try and buck it up, and try to deal with all this thing called life.  thanks you guys....
Helpful - 0
1198664 tn?1368647812
Wow wanna, divorce, that's heavy. I don't blame you for taking this pills but like everyone is telling me and I know, its still gonna be there the second they wear off and it's going to be 10x harder to cope. Hell who am I kidding it will be impossible to cope at that point. I can't believe I am pushing myself through this I really can't. No jobs, ONE CAR that's two months behind and a house that's 3 months behind. And about 1200.00 coming in by tomorrow and that's IT. That's all to my name. I have seriously $1 in my pocket right now. I sold a bunch of nice stuff on eBay that thank god sold or I would not have hardly ANY money right now. And it's pretty much ALL stuff my ex boss got for me. Nice watch (movado) brand new iPod touch, Bose headphones, and all kinds of nice stuff. Out with the old I guess. I need the $$ BAD. But as far as taking a pill I'm not letting that be an option. It's what got me here in the first place to a good degree and I have to be very sharp minded right now. I would be kicking myself today if I took something yesterday I just know it. And anyway I still don't really feel all that well. I mean I'm getting around better but my nerves are like razors and my sleep ***** and my mind won't really turn off completely let. I'm still on the toilet a lot and still sneezing like crazy. I hope all goes well maybe yor husband will reconsider if you show him you are clean and everythig and let him help with it. I don't know your situation I just know that *****. I have been through 2 divorces and I am just turning 40! So I know. But better times ahead right. We have to make that happen though.  It's not just going to happen FOR us. I keep telling myself that.
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