how to deal with my mom

[deanlori85]

my 67 year old mother just moved in with me. And by looking at her pills and the dates they are prescribed she is taking 2 valiums,4 hydrocodon,2 ambien a day...

[ariley13]

I'm glad you found us too! There is also a 'Living With An Addict' community on here. You may want to check that out too. Sounds like you need all of the support that you can get right now.

[weaver71]

That's too bad. Maybe she will be open to some of nursegirl's suggestions. She wants your help, so that could be a motivator for her. Tell her you need her help to, if this is going to work. Maybe. My dad would be homeless, if I had 't given him my life's work. He lives in a school bus on my old farm. I put a trailer house there, so he can rent it for income. He would likely be dead if I hadn't stepped in for a while. I lost everything until he dies. I'll sell the farm then. Anyway, I hope she is willing to give a little, that was what made me give up. For years, we would pick him up in the yard and put him in his bus. My kids learned to be scared of him. Like the others said, take care of you and yours. It's a horrible feeling to give up, glad you aren't there yet. I'd be willing to help my dad again, if he would go to an inpatient detox. I hope your mom sees how lucky she is that you have 't given up. You are her last chance, and I hope you find some help, there's a lot out there. Addiction is a global epidemic.

[deanlori85]

Thank you for the kind words. Yes I told her if she does not take them as prescribed I was going to start giving them to her. I told her mom you have a choice 15 days of high and 15 days of withdrawals or manage the pills better. Another problem is her mind , her memory is shot. So most of what I say she does not remember. It's only been a month. It is still a shock to me she is here.  It will be a long struggle I know. She is trying to work with me I can tell. She knows she has no choices. And I know I get frustrated with her. I am glad I found this site to talk to others this will help me. : )

[deanlori85]

Wow our stories do sound similar. My dad left my mom 8 years ago after 42 years of marriage. He could not take it anymore. The family tried to help my mom and she pushed us all away. Threatening to get restraining orders on me. So they family walked away and left her alone for the past 6 years. She did the opposite of your dad. She got worse. The county is ready to condemn her house. She fell down her stairs and hurt her back. It took the hospital 2 days to notify me. They said she was covered in fleas and scrubbed her 3 baths. I told the hospital all my concerns and she needed help. They just released her to me and said they could not help. She is happier being at my home. It is cleaner and safer. She should not drive anymore. And she wants me to take care of her now.  I will keep trying to see what help I can get her. She can be very difficult at times trying to work it all out. And me and my family staying happy is very important to me. At this point it is my home or the streets. I see know how easy it is to end up homeless on the streets. She is so close to that. I guess one positive is me and my kids have learned how not to live and we make good decision in our lives. I always joke that my mom is my teenager. Because my 2 teenagers have never given me a moment of worry.  They are truly my Blessings in life.

[ariley13]

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. My father was a horrible alcoholic and ended up losing his life at 49. I took care of him for years. Is there any way for you to hang on to your mom's  meds and distribute them at the correct time and dose? I know she may not like the idea, but it certainly would be easier on both of you, and prevent the monthly withdrawls. Hang in there, and be sure to take care of you!

[VICourageous]

Hi..I just wanted to give a little bit of support here..Being that I am 57 and have almost nine months in from many, many years of substance abuse, I too take care of my Mom who is 78 and just had some cancer return..This is can be very stressful and depressing..BUT it is also a Blessing that She is still with me..I do agree with maybe looking into some Home Health so you can take some strain off of you..But I got a feeling your Mom is set in her ways & will not except this..So you have no other family that can help too? Oh Boy I know it can get tough..Can you have a heart to heart talk with her and see if you can hand her pills out to her or some one other then you.Also  HH will be able to set up meals for her and get her in the shower.I wish you & her the Best..
Bless

[weaver71]

Oh yeah, my dad chain smokes, won't eat, and refuses to drink anything but beer and alcohol, we have a lot in common. He has had blood in his stool for years and his stomach hurts. He still says he's not hurting anyone and it's his business. So it is, now that he's alone, the he seems to want it.

[deanlori85]

Thank you a lot of good advice.  I will look and looking into what you have suggested. Thank you

[weaver71]

Wow, tough situation. I tried to help my dad until a short time ago, about 2 years. He would not admit there was a problem. He drove me crazy. Eventually he started to totally lose it. He is 64 and his neighbors guessed he was around 80. Your post really stood out to me. I thought he couldn't live alone. He got polio at1 yr old and has been high since then. He has 1 tooth left. When he really lost his mind, he started to slander me and tell everyone I was going to take everything and leave him stranded. My business suffered, my family suffered, he seemed to be  the only one not effected. I left, gave him my farm and started over with nothing. He realized he had to start taking care of himself or die, so he's actually doing better without my help. I don't have any answers, but wanted to share how it worked out for me. Helping an addict in denial is very hard and comes with great sacrifice. The AA saying, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference was what changed my approach to helping. I had to accept being driven crazy or let dad take care of himself. I may have saved his life by making him sink or swim. I had stopped caring, like mom did, his friends did, like everyone with any self-preservation did. Not being negative, just bearing witness as an adult child of an addict. I hope you can help change this situation, let us know how it goes.

[deanlori85]

She also won't eat. She drinks Dr. Pepper soda and smokes cigarets. She might eat a little every other day.  And always complains of her stomach hurting.

[nursegirl6572]

Oh geez, I'm sorry to hear about your Mom.  She sounds like she really needs help.  The problem is, until she's ready to admit she has a problem, any recovery program won't really be successful for the long term.

I would REALLY recommend an intensive inpatient program, preferrably more psych based, as her depression needs addressed bigtime.  If you can find a facility that would be able to treat all of the issues, including detoxing her off the meds, that would be great.  While sometimes addicts need meds for their conditions, a lot of times, the meds make the situation worse, both for pain, and for any mental illness.  Her yo-yo'ing back and forth between abuse and a forced detox is probably contributing to everything you're seeing...her demeanor, her gait, her general poor state of health, everything.

I'm so sorry, I really hope you can find a team of professionals who can help her.  In the very least, I would start with attending every one of her appts with her, and verbalizing your concerns to her doctors.  Maybe they can be of some help.

Being a FT caretaker is hard work, and very stressful as it is...and you have more challenges than most.  Please remember to take care of yourself, and look into resources to help you with caring for her.  You could contact agencies like the area on aging, and ask what kind of in-home help you could get.  If you can financially swing it, you also have the option of hiring home health personnel to help with your Mom. Most insurasnce companies and Medicare/Medicaid would also allow for some extra help.   Asking her doc for references and help figuring out what she would qualify for may help too.  I would look in your phone book under "county resources" (or similar) and see what you find.  Start making calls...if you explain your needs, someone will be able to point you in the right direction.

Very best to you...hope you figure something out to help your Mom.  Certainly, what she's doing now is NOT working, and is probably causing a lot of harm.  Keep us updated!

[deanlori85]

Thank you all for your thoughts. It is a long story. My mom was an alcoholic for 30 years. And has stopped using alcohol. And has been addicted to pain meds for the last 13 years after having neck surgery. She is 67 but looks and acts at least 85. She has 2 half teeth left, I think she also has permanent brain damage. Can not walk strait. And is off balance. She suffers from depression. Will not clean  are take baths. I am the only family member that will take her in. She doubles what ever the dr.s prescribe and runs out in 15 days.  And then the next 15 she goes thru withdrawals   She will not admit to being addict. Yes she probably has pain or she is in pain from withdrawals.  I guess my question is how do I live with her without her driving me crazy. I think the damage is done to her brain. So I'm not trying to get her off the pain pills. But try to manage it better. She can no longer live on her own.  Thanks for the advice

[nursegirl6572]

I too agree that there may not be a concern here, if she'd taking the medications as prescribed.  These kinds of medications aren't inherently bad, and are taking appropriately by most people.

Are you concerned that she's misuing them, or taking too many?  Does she seem overly sedated?  Any other concerns?

We'll be glad to help you sort through this...for now, don't jump to any conclusions, just based on the fact that these meds are controlled substances, ok?

[BluCrystal]

I agree with the other posters that she is not over medicated as long as she is not taking more than that, and that it is wonderful that you are 'giving back' to your mom by taking care of her now.  Blessings - Blu

[OpenMind24hours]

I think it's great you're taking care of your mom first hand. I had that same honor for a few years after my dad died. We moved her up from FLA and found an assisted living facility close to us. In 2007 she died of cancer.

Your post has reminded me... My mom was an RN and at one point in her career she became director of nursing for a brand new hospital in the area of FLA where they lived. When she came here in 2005 she was just a shell of her brilliant old self. She too was on Ambien, and had a bottle of pain pills going in the medicine cabinet, along with depression a med called Lexapro. At the time I had 23 years sobriety in AA. And what she was taking was all that I could focus on. I wanted my "mom" back. I didn't even think of why she was taking what she was taking, as prescribed. I talked to her new PC doctor about it. My sister, also in AA with many years sobriety, backed me up. So, her new doctor took her off Ambien. She became miserable with WDs and we had no idea what was going on, or what we had done. In her mid-80s she simply couldn't sleep! Then she took herself off of her depression meds and it all got worse. To make a long story short, I'm no geriatric expert. Doctors have had training in geriatric care. The know what they're doing. It was my job to allow my mom the dignity to be who she is, and realize that she was in good hands, first with God, and then with her doctors. I've really, deep down, regretted my decisions ever since. I wish I had another chance - but when they go, they're gone, and all we can hope for, is that we've done the best we can do for them, leaving nothing but pleasant memories.

I'll be 67 in July. Things have slowed down for me, but I'm still kicking around. I still do some windsurfing, I walk 2 miles a day and I'm recovering from pain pills, and a real bad back. There is still some hope for us over 60 folks.

I shared my own story. Not to judge you but to judge myself on something I regret having done. Writing what I just wrote helps me. I wish you God's speed on your own decisions with your mom. Thank you for posting and asking really good questions before making any decisions.

[overopiates]

O.K. well they r prescribed,obviously for a reason.The4hydrocone are for pain,valium4 anxiey&ambien4sleep.What r the mg(dose)of the hydrocone&xvaium?She is Not doing anythimg bad if she tales them as prescribed.Also this is NOT a large dose at all.What is ur question/concern?Does she seem high?Does she take more than prescibed?