feeling like i cant go on

[JGuitarGurl]

Hello everyone im J.E female fr Providence, RI. Ive been struggling pretty hardcore this past year. I went n got help the week between christmas n new yr this past dec/jan. I had to check myself in because i couldnt do it at home alone n i tried sooo many times but i kept accidently throwing myself into percip. W/d. OmfG worse thing i ever felt in my life. Anyways so when i got out of the hospital i got the 2nd chance ive been waiting for, looonging for struggling for. But recently i believe in march i ****** up again, im sooo discusted in myself right now, im in tears i cry alot it has consumed me the fact i ****** up my life again especially since i have everything and a half going for me right now. I just wanna n god forgive me for saying this i just cant any more people. Ive been doing like 300 a week on h since march, i didnt mean for this to happen again ive let my family my mom everyone down. Im stuck again n im so shocked. Ive been so miserable this is so not me. Its like as im doing it i knooow im gonna regret it i know im gonna lose it all n disappoint everyone n ruin my life i knoooow as im doing it i will get stuck n have supreme hell to pay, yet i just could not stop myself. Right now im not sick n i still have h. to keep me good for a few days. (Only so i can b able to work)But i dont even want it i just want my life back again i wanna get back stable on my subs but im soooo terrified of having to wait those 2 days. I have to work i cant call out, n i cant go back to the hospital i was just there 4 mo ago smh thats so pathetic of me. I cant do this any more now i totally 100% know there isnt a way go cheat or have ur cake n eat it too. You either stay clean or your back in the cycle fr hell again. I dunno what to do guys. How can i deal with those 2 days b4 i can switch to sub. Ive honestly had enough. Im so scared. Any advice would b greatly appreciated. Thank u all for taking the time to read n listen if you did. Much love

[jerry4664]

Welcome !! and don't feel like a failure you have made many steps to being clean and trying to stick with your recovery but seem like life happens and you fall and have a hard time getting up so what are your triggers? just remember you CAN do this many of us have some better than others but this can be done at home at work with minimal supplies it just takes GUTS and willpower and that's free to some extent so make your plan and look here for advice and what tools we can supply .. best of luck

[motye51]

Can I ask what your doing RIGHT NOW as far as aftercare?
IMO...you need to look up N/A in your area and get your *** to a meeting ASAP!  You can go high....listen....listen and listen!  99% of us on this website have been exactly where you are right now....your stuck....it's a cycle and honestly, subs isn't going to be a miracle. You will still have to do the work to get unstuck..
This is going to sound harsh but SCREW work, family, obligations b/c none of them will be successful unless your clean anyway.  You need to concentrate on YOU....
The hospital where you detoxed didn't tell you that aftercare is CRITICAL in staying clean? PEOPLE WE'RE NOT MAKING THIS **** UP!  Some type of aftercare so you can understand your disease? If you had cancer, you'd do whatever the dr's told you to help yourself....it's the same thing here.
Keep us informed of how your doing if possible....Have you gone down enough yet?  Tired of this **** cycle? Physically feeling better is not recovery.....

[JGuitarGurl]

Thank u for replying lesa everything u say is spot on the money im spending is my entire pay check so im working everyday for my dealer to have nice things those r supposed to b my nice things.. uhhhgg n soon my mom will b noticing why im broke every wk on the same day i get paid i cant hide this to much longer. But those 2 days n all u said jus scared the hell outta me.how do u get thru those days n not call 4 relief thats gonna b the part also. Im terrified. But i need to do this. Iys not even woth it anymore i dont even buy to get high im jus buying to function dunno if that makes sense but its tru.

[JGuitarGurl]

Thank u for replying lesa everything u say is spot on the money im spending is my entire pay check so im working everyday for my dealer to have nice things those r supposed to b my nice things.. uhhhgg n soon my mom will b noticing why im broke every wk on the same day i get paid i cant hide this to much longer. But those 2 days n all u said jus scared the hell outta me.how do u get thru those days n not call 4 relief thats gonna b the part also. Im terrified. But i need to do this. Iys not even woth it anymore i dont even buy to get high im jus buying to function dunno if that makes sense but its tru.

[JGuitarGurl]

Thank u zerokewl i appreciate your words n talking to others that kno what ur going thru def helps i cant tall 2 any1 else i kno cuz they have no idea what im doing n they never understand anyways.

[10356]

Hi JGuitarGurl.. Welcome to the forum. I would be more afraid of continuing with a 300 dollar a week H habit then I would of wd for 2 days.. When I came off H years ago I was banging a couple of grams a day It is was no fun getting off but it is doable especially for 2 days.. Hot baths and showers as many as you can force yourself to take also they sell a product Hylands Rest full leg that really helps with the rls, Imodium for the bathroom issues and a sports drink so you do not become dehydrated.. sip it if you are throwing up just keep sipping.. walking around the neighborhood walking and more walking and last eat what you feel you can but try and keep a good attitude you are doing something positive for yourself.. at that amount and not knowing the cut our even how much it is cut the chance of a OD are very High.. The chances of your heart stopping our you stopping breathing is very high at that amount. I will be sending a prayer for you. Take care, lesa

[Ballgame]

Hang in there.  People here are nice and will help.   I just can't understand half of what you wrote.  

[zerokewl234]

hello i want to say dont give up. i was on this site 2 years ago but on and off being on opiods unfortunitly for the last year.. music is onething that gets me through most tuff times im on alot if you need to talk dont hesitate to message me.

[atthebeach]

Hello, as long as there is breathe there is always hope. Keep the faith. Huni you have to go through it to get to the other side. You are worth it. Get yourself to substance abuse support groups, AA, NA, celebrate recovery, counseling, church.
Don't give up huni.