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Avatar universal

life is a living hell today

My god...what have I done...again?  I am going to lay it all out there, the good the bad and some major ugly.  I need help,encouragement and advice.

I have become addicted to oxy.  Something I swore I'd never take.  Last year, yes last year I literally about killed myself with apap after a vik habit.  That was not intentional, just incredibly niave.  After returning home from ICU, I went to counseling and attended meetings.  I still struggled with physical and chronic pain (car accident and 10 surgeries later) but I lived with it.  I was doing great and on cloud 9 SOBER.  The pain became unbearable once I got pregnant and tried many alternatives before accepting an rx for oxycodone.  Of course what is any addict worth their weight going to do?  Start abusing despite all their best efforts.  My dr.  then put me on oxy's  which at first I said no to, but eventually accepted.  I hoped the 12 hr formula would help, not hinder.  Once again...niave.  Now I sit here and type after about 3 months of abusing again and killing myself with regret, shame and self-loathing.  My husband caught me smoking a cig after I talked myself into an appt with a sub dr....I was stressed, scared etc and had a smoke..yes, while pregnant.  Could I stoop any lower?  I told my husband what I was doing and he is needless to say disappointed in me and not really talking.  He deserves so much better than I have given him.  He admits he does not understand and I am so glad he doesnt.  I wouldnt' wish this hell on anyone.  

So as I've sat and thought about what the hell I'm going to do...I just cry.  Should I keep appt with sub or just white knuckle it and C/T.  I know it will be awful to say the least....but I really do want to be free of this.  I am riddled with guilt for being in this position and I want to try and save my unborn child from this hell I am living.  My parents didn't do me any favors and I need to break this cycle.  

PLEASE....For those of you who have thoughts and insight, I need you.  I am feeling incredibly alone in my disease and feel I will have to battle alone...But I'm willing to put in the work.  For me and my family.    
10 Responses
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401095 tn?1351391770
addiction is so extremely lonely...like a dirty secret...in reality that is not the case and many suffer with it...

Beating urself up gets u nowhere tho....if u feel that ur using is causing more pain than pain relief..then i would probably choose to let it go...ct while pregnant needs to be discussed with ur doctor...accepting that u took them from him knowig u have a problem is also something u need to hold urself accountable for..not sure sub while pregnant would be a wonderful alternative either as it is powerful and effects for the unborn will still be there..but everyone is different..there is a great tapering article in the health pages..maybe ur husband can help u...first off we have to realize we are not dirty..we have a pain problem and doing the best we can on the thing called life...dont beat urself up but do analyze ur goals...keep postimg..hae u tried any support groups and such?
Helpful - 0
401095 tn?1351391770
addiction is so extremely lonely...like a dirty secret...in reality that is not the case and many suffer with it...

Beating urself up gets u nowhere tho....if u feel that ur using is causing more pain than pain relief..then i would probably choose to let it go...ct while pregnant needs to be discussed with ur doctor...accepting that u took them from him knowig u have a problem is also something u need to hold urself accountable for..not sure sub while pregnant would be a wonderful alternative either as it is powerful and effects for the unborn will still be there..but everyone is different..there is a great tapering article in the health pages..maybe ur husband can help u...first off we have to realize we are not dirty..we have a pain problem and doing the best we can on the thing called life...dont beat urself up but do analyze ur goals...keep postimg..hae u tried any support groups and such?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Ok..so after much thought and crying, I decided to just c/t.  No walk in the park, but I need to feel the consequences of my actions.  I am tired of being a slave to a pill...The counting, the stories to my dr, the stress of my next refill even as I've just picked one up.  I am going to get real with my Dr. and tell her I want off.  I hope she will help and be supportive and not judgemental.  I can hope for the same from my husband.  I will need his patience and support when I'm going thru withdrawls.  How have others dealt with their SO when quitting?  How do you convey your feelings without getting upset that they don't understand and may be unforgiving?  I will get what I need...amino's, immodium, etc. tomorrow.  I think the worst part is the depression.  Maybe that's something my dr can help me with.  What else will be helpful?  Does anyone know how my w/d will compare to a healthy vik w/d?    Well, not healthy, but you know what I mean.  I will cancel the appt with the sub dr. tomorrow.  I could tell by the little conversation I did have with my husband that he didn't approve of the sub.  So i guess if I can give him any peace of mind, it will be that I won't go the sub route.  I have gone to meetings before and will need to again.  I guess I'm not asking a lot of questions here, but these are the thoughts running thru my head.  What else will make this more comfortable?  I do have klonopin and ambien and I have never abused either.  Maybe those will help.  

I do want this recovery.  I try to think that this time next month I will be feeling much better about myself and proud of my achievement.  Funny how we are proud of overcoming something we never should have been a part of in the first place.  I hope that my husband will be proud too, but then I think about the sentence I just wrote.  

This should be the happiest time of my life..We have wanted a child so long and didn't think we could conceive due to my recurrent endo..but we were blessed.  Now I can't even get excited when I look at all our cute stuff because I am so riddled with guilt...it's like I don't have the right to be excited.  

What do you guys think? I can use all the advice I can get...Also, what have you told people about your absence when you are w/ding?  Flu?

Ok, ive rambled enough.  I have the will, now I just need help with the way.  

Thank you to those that have read and responded.  I truly appreciate the kindness and look forward to "paying it forward " one day.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
First off, how far along are you? Do you have an obgyn? I strongly DIS advise you to quit cold turkey.  Especially if you've had so much trouble conceiving.  You need to consult with your obgyn about your situation and let  him / her guide you on your next step.  This is no longer just about what YOU will suffer from this withdrawl.  It's about how it is going to affect your baby.  You need an obgyn before you go any further.  Do it a safe and healthy way.  If it wasn't for your baby, I would say go cold turkey if it's in ya.  And i'm sure that it is.....but it's not fair to your baby.  wishing you all the best.  Your in my prayers.  keep us updated.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I agree with feelingfrazierbytheday....Right now going c/t probably is not healthy for the baby....If you can send a PM to 1234betterlife---She can help you...That is what she specializes in...You have to be honest with your obgyn, because quitting c/t is probably against what they will tell you for the sake of the baby....Go to search, and put in pregnant and detox...There were a bunch here trying to get off while pregnant...That may help you....I know you want off,  and that is great...But right now probably is not the time...
wishing you and new baby the best....Hang in there...
r2r
Helpful - 0
631109 tn?1225301425
Well, I am no expert on being pregnant and detoxing, but I would be very careful there.  However, I am an expert in the guilt, regret, and shame department.  I have been where you are...at my worst I was using 350+ mg a day of oxy. (have had several back and knee surgeries too)  I decided one day (well on Sept 11th actually) that I was done, I CT'd, and I haven't looked back.  One of the MOST important things I did was sit down with my wife and say here are the things I have done, I have made lots of mistakes, but I plan to learn from them and never repeat them.  It wasn't easy for her to hear, I told her that I expected her to lose trust in me, and that was OK...I was going to EARN it back.  Then, I FORGAVE MYSELF, and truly started working everyday, one day at a time, to change things.  I attend meetings, pray constantly, and always stay on the lookout for any triggers or situations that may draw me back into using.  The words I told my wife were real this time, not just the words of an addict trying to pacify a SO.  I have been clean 19 days today and I feel GREAT!  

Feeling sorry for yourself doesn't help, I know, I tried to quit many times and failed.  But, once I forgave myself and stopped feeling guilty, I have been so much stronger.  Be proud because you are one of the few who are strong enough to decide to stop on your own and not make that decision when sitting in a jail cell or in a lonely hotem room after you have lost everything.  You have the chance to start a new chapter of your life now...focus on the future...living clean tomorrow, then the day after that...not on mistakes you have made in the past.

God bless and stay strong...we can do this!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
oh my goodness you poor thing ... first and foremost get this, I smoked while pregnant.  I was honest  w/the doctor.  She told me to gently cut back with the goal of quitting.  She also told me cold turkey was out of the question.  Shocking your body while pregnant isn't a good idea.  For the things you are weaning off of, replace them with a piece of fruit or a glass of milk(chocolates fine:)  and slowly move away from harmful things.  But stress is the biggest thing you want to avoid.  Pressure from loved ones or self imposed only causes heart rate and blood pressure to increase--this being most dangerous to baby.  Placenta is a natural human hepa filter...there is much info on what crosses and what does not.  I don't personally know about Sub and pregnancy but I have known chronic pain patients to  take low dose opiate therapy or methadone safely through pregnancy labor and delivery.  Don't let society and stigma influence your choices...Go to harvard med studies and look it up.  A few years ago a doc over there had a son who had to have chemo...the scientist in him researched cannabis and prescribed it to  his son.  The laws in MA are now changing..the people vote this fall.  Please no one misunderstand me, Opioids(synthetic rather than opiate- plant derived) ARE dangerous, addictive, soul stealers, etc.  My point is that "chemically balanced " does have a bit more meaning when you're supporting life.  There is no need to meet anyone else's standards of "chemically balanced" except your honest own.  My doc felt that a low dose of long acting opioid was best for both baby and I to promote a stress-free enviornment--healthy eating, sleeping, hydration, and voiding habits.  Our babies were healthy, full term, 9+10 apgars, and have grown into well adjusted smart happy kids.  That baby will experience more physically from your stress and worry  than from a med that is well tolerated and metabolized in your body.  Especially if you can supplement your health with the above mentioned.  There is no room for feeling guilty, worrying yourself sick, feeling pressured by others and the stigma attached with chronic pain and meds.  Focus on you and the baby, eat well, sleep well, and stay close and honest with your doctor.  Don't sweat the butt---next time take a brisk walk, eat something healthy and yummy for you and the baby, call your husband and vent, have him talk you through it (positively), and reward yourself for every baby step and when you backslike,,go easy on yourself....and that baby:)  All the best!  You'll be ok.  Subs can be a great tool but I do not know about it crossing placenta or breast milk.  Its been used in europe for 20 yrs for pain so I'm sure there's info out there on it.  It's ok sometimes to not be able to do the work at this moment in time.  Some people need to plan for their detox and withdrawal and pregnancy can be an un-planned thing.  that makes for a different situation than any of us here posting.  All I;m saying is that if you need to put it off, to get through the pregnancy, labor, delivery, etc.  OH!  yeah, I wouldn't GO on sub pregnant--if they need to give you pain meds or anesthesia in delivery that could be a problem.....So I take it back---I'd stay away from sub if facing hospital.  In fact, my doc took me off sub and put me back on oxycodone in prep for surgery.  Wow! See what this **** has done to my brain??  LOL!  Be honest w/ hubby and the doc...Show hubby this post....Diabetics are high risk in pregnancy... Their chemical balance is highly monitored.  .Stay calm, balanced, and positive, and you'll both be fine!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I really feel for you. I am pg too and tapering off tramadol so I can certainly relate to your position.  C/T is definately NOT a good idea tho.  Tapering is your best bet and u may need your H help to dole out the pills cuz it takes ALOT of will power.  Don't beat yourself up w/ the guilt you can't change the past you can only do the best u can now, if u lower ur dose and tell your Dr. you will greatly increase the chances that the baby will not have w/d when born.  Don't dwell in negativity or self-pity it's time to take control and do what is best for u and the baby.  If u ever need some one to talk to you can pm me.  I talk w/ several of pg ladies on this forum some who are 9 weeks along and others in there last few months.  1234betterlife is alsoa wonderful resource.  She is an ob nurse and made me feel a world better when I as worrying myself sick.  Be positve and keep in touch..congratualtions  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I really feel for you. I am pg too and tapering off tramadol so I can certainly relate to your position.  C/T is definately NOT a good idea tho.  Tapering is your best bet and u may need your H help to dole out the pills cuz it takes ALOT of will power.  Don't beat yourself up w/ the guilt you can't change the past you can only do the best u can now, if u lower ur dose and tell your Dr. you will greatly increase the chances that the baby will not have w/d when born.  Don't dwell in negativity or self-pity it's time to take control and do what is best for u and the baby.  If u ever need some one to talk to you can pm me.  I talk w/ several of pg ladies on this forum some who are 9 weeks along and others in there last few months.  1234betterlife is alsoa wonderful resource.  She is an ob nurse and made me feel a world better when I as worrying myself sick.  Be positve and keep in touch..congratualtions  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I just want to say that I'm praying for you and proud of you for making the decision to confront your addiction and walk away from it.  Please stay in touch.
Helpful - 0
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