need help w/ husband in denial

[rg2010]

My husband takes about 14 vicodin pills a day. He has been taking it for about 6 or 7 years for back pain. He hasn't been interested in sex for 2 years. I read that vicodin decreases sex drive and his doctor has confirmed that he has low testosterone--he was supposed to see a urologist for it later this month. When  he runs out of pills, he buys them from a friend of his, so he is also lying to his doctor about how many pills he takes.

I called his doctor's office the other day and told them the truth. The doctor wanted to see him the next day. My husband is furious with me and refused to go to the doctor's office. He says now he is looking for another doctor. I don't know what to do--he is in denial that he has a problem--should I try to do an intervention with his friends and family? He is a very stubborn man. On top of it, his other doctor told him to stop drinking, and he drinks every night, so I'm worried about his liver as well.

[Addict63]

Letting go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences. It's not to be protective; it's to allow others the opportunity to face reality.

If someone has a problem with substance abuse, they know it.

[CATUF]

I got "told on" by someone I thought was a close friend.

I hated him for it, because he ruined my life.

About two months later I thanked him for what he did, because by then I knew he had saved my life.  He and I are now better friends than ever before.

I think it's absolutely untrue that addicts can't be helped until they want to stop.  I didn't want to stop when I got forced into rehab.  The simple fact of the matter is that people in active addiction don't stop until they have to -- at some point the negative consequences of using greatly exceed the rewards of using.

The negative consequences will reach the required threshhold on there own, eventually, but only if you don't end up in jail or dead first.  Or, the negative consequences can be thrown at the addict by loved ones (or not so loved ones).

It seems to me that the important thing is having the addict reach a bona fide CRISIS in his (or her) life where there are just two choices: a) change or b) face absolutely unacceptable consequences.

I know from personal experience that as the hold of active addiction increases, so does the threshold for what's unacceptable as far as consequences.  There were many things that I simply accepted as "a cost of doing business" when I was at 35 to 40 lortab 10's a day, any one of which might have scared me into the necessary change way back when I was at 12 or 14 a day.

It's truly like that story of the frog and the boiling water.  The frog gets tossed into boiling water and immediately jumps out because it's boiling water and he doesn't want to die.  But put the same frog in a pot of cool water that is being s-l-o-w-l-y heated and he doesn't notice what's happening to him until he's cooked.

I am all for putting intense heat on active addicts because it can cause them to change and only change will save their life.  A lot of people silently wondered what was going on with me back when I was destroying myself, but it was the one who shined the bright light of truth on my addiction who saved my life.

If everyone one had waited until I was good and ready to turn myself around, everyone could have talked about what a shame and a waste it was when they got together at my wake, because I would have been dead.

I don't think what you did was wrong, bad, or flawed.  In fact, if I was in your shoes I'd ramp it up a notch or two, telling him "get into rehab or get out.  I love you too much and our life together is too important for me to stand by silently while you destroy yourself and us."

As to why he can't see that he has a problem, that's easy.  He can't see the problem because part of the problem is an inability to see the problem.

Anyway, I don't think you're stuck with the hobson's choice of a) leaving him or b) waiting for his active addiction to run its course.  Talk to some addiction specialists and see what options the professionals have to offer.

It would also be helpful for you to get the help you need.  You may not have been putting drugs in your mouth, but addiction affect everyone who is close to the addict.  I don't know if it's true, but I've often heard that the untreated spouse is sicker than the one in active addiction. Don't fall into the trap of thinking "I'm not the one with the problem!"

CATUF
1726

[jstntime]

Although well-intentioned, your idea to call the doctor was a bad one.  Your husband will feel betrayed.  He will now think he needs to hide all of his drug activity from you.

It's hard enough to go to the doctor and admit to them you have an addiction problem, can you imagine someone doing it FOR YOU????  Can you imagine how he would feel to have to go and face that doctor after being "told" on???  He knows the doctor won't trust him anymore.  I can't say I blame him for looking for another doctor.

If it is your intention to make him run away for good, then an intervention might be a good idea.  Seriously, it would be like giving the knife a turn in the wound you just made.

Check out Al-anon as advised above to learn how to treat this situation more carefully.  If you love him, and it sounds like you do, the last thing you want to do is to make matters worse.

You can't make him quit but you can make the best of a bad situation.  

Good-luck,

bob

[Xcalibure]

RG2010, let me point out a fatal flaw in your thinking please.  Your husband suffers from a serious disease.  When you make statements like, "He'd quit if he loved me" it's comparable to asking someone with a brain tumor to get better if they loved you or asking a lung cancer patient to heal if they loved you.  Its not in the addicts control and they will continue on until the hit rock bottom and want to change.  You can be there for them, help where you can, but you absolutely have no power in controling when or how they quit.  That is on them and it is not a matter of love.  As for your idea of an intervention, depending on the person sometimes they work, sometimes it makes it worse.  It really depends upon the person.  As for calling his doctor I agree with another person on here, you should never do that.  He may have needed that as a safe place to come clean when ready and get medical help doing so instead of being embarrassed.  You really have two simple choices, walk the path with him and be there for him until hes ready or leave.  A one foot out the door approach or guilt into being better will not work.  Just m,y two cents.

[rg2010]

Addict63, I've had other people say that it's a co-dependent relationship as well. That I need to get a separate checking account--because he always runs us into the negative each month. My brain tells me that I can't make him stop unless he wants to stop, but my heart tells me that if he loved me enough he would do it for me and his own health. I know that probably sounds irrational, but my husband is an educated person and I can't understand why HE can't understand that he has a problem. Thanks for commenting.

[Addict63]

One of my children became an addict. I went to Al-anon, where they suggested to me that I'm powerless over someone else's using. I was taught about co-dependency, where every morning I'd wake up and my child's life would flash across my mind, not MY life. I wanted to snatch up my child and move him through the day the way I thought he should live. Al-anon's 1st step is "allow people to be themselves and put the focus on me". Hard to do when it's your child. Hitting bottom is what it takes. I was taught not to SOFTEN his trip to hitting bottom. It just prolongs his agony and slows down recovery. He finally hit bottom and is now clean. God only knows how things will end up, and God's plan for me is none of my business.

[Lostpunkdc]

Def not a good thing, mixing anything with apap ( Acetaminophen ) with alcohol ....

14 vicodin pills, thats alot, especially if hes copping them from a friend. No doubt he has a problem..

Thats the problem though, people dont wanna fall into the category of being a addict. Understandable he has back pain , but 6-7 of use is alot.  I would recommend talking to a family friend and letting them talk to him, or doing a intervention . Hard as it maybe , but i agree with your concerns . You must take action .

[avisg]

Honestly if I were married to you and you went to my doctor I would be furious as well .I understand that you want to help him but here is the thing he has to want himself .All telling his doctor has done is made it so he will have to find his drugs of the street .He will use until he is ready to change sometime thing .All you can do is take care of yourself look into some alnon meetings .I would not try an intervention at this point ..