need to "reach"

[spider6]

I don't know if y'all can relate......I'm not having cravings for my doc per se; it's this feeling or reflex (mental)
of this "searching" instinct of putting something in my mouth reflex. ......I guess like that involuntary motion of
going to reach for your smoke.  uuughghghghgghhhh, it drives me f*cking nuts!

It's like being hungry and eating but nothing is satisfying so you keep searching for something to stop the feeling
of "not full or satisfied" uckckkkk, I hate using those words, I need to find a better descriptive word!
All I want to do is eat crap too......all day long sugar sugar sugar......it's like I traded one addiction for
another.....can't stop......I literally have NO appetite for regular food.  

Anyone ever read anything about "dopamine and sugar"?  I'm so sick of trying to find out what's wrong
with me or trying to fix me......omg.....I'm sooo f*cking sick of thinking of ME!
I still look at the clock all the time.....I used to live my life in "4 hour increments" ...every 4 hrs., sometimes
earlier if I was especially "FINE"........F*cked up....Insecure......Neurotic.....Emotional....

....le sigh, just ranting.....hope my angels have a safe and happy, non stressed weekend.
Love you all.
hugs.

[jethro733]

Way too cryptic ;P  
  Definitely all for creative pursuits.  They make you feel alive and in the moment.

[msdelight]

Yes jethro singing is good but ii wanted to encourage her to paint.  Guess my post last night was a bit cryptic!

[jethro733]

Second Msdelight on the singing.

[msdelight]

Hi spidy I so feel you on the emptiness, the need for sugar, never feeling satisfied and the oral fixation. I am always hungry and antsy. I think I  set some kind of record for consumption of cigarettes and dark chocolate kisses!  What does satisfy me is singing. The CREATIVITY. Taking a tune and Painting it in a way that no one quite has before. I lost my edge when I was on drugs. I didn't sound right. It just wouldn't come out of me the way it used to. I was scared to get back on that horse sober. But you know what? It was all still there and it felt GOOD to create again. It fills the hole. It's better than therapy and I can FEEL the spirit in it.

[Kbusymom]

I am the same way with the sugar; I'm so disgusted with myself.  Pretzel M&Ms are my new obsession.  
I am also always trying to fill that hole and my counselor , like Bens, has told me to fill it with positive things.   It's so hard sometimes.  I have not been successful at getting to the root cause of my addiction.  I am hoping that by really working the steps this time that I'll be able to find out who I really am.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things to take care of you.  Maybe were all restless from the holidays, winter, lack of sunlight, etc.
Sending you lots of hugs and hope that we may all find some peace.

[spider6]

thanks guys, I soooo appreciate you all.....thankyou for all the great advice and kind encouragement......I depend on you all even if you don't realize it.
I hope you are all having a cozy calm weekend with your loved ones.
bless and hugs.
mwah!!

[spider6]

Thanks Ben.....I am exactly like that as far as throwing myself into stuff.
I work out as well....I lift free weights......love it, but haven't been able to
work out with them since Sept..  Don't know why....what I can do is run and walk which I do a lot of.....but even that is taking a back seat this last while ....snow!  When I'm diligent with my workouts....I feel REALLY bad if
I miss one day.  Just like anything else .....has to be done right and perfect.

I work from the home so I have at least 10 projects going constantly, so
I could be a workaholic in that sense too.  

Thank you for your input. uber appreciated.
:o}.......................perspective.

[spider6]

Hey thank you for your input Pam
I appreciate it but I'm a vegetarian so I am used to eating all that stuff on
a daily basis.  Everything you mentioned we eat, except the papayas (I don't like them.)  There is always fruit strewn all over the counter and believe it or not I actually make my own veggie soup and stews and burgers etc. and I love love love making coconut rice pudding with jasmine rice and currents.  We try to eat "macrobiotically".....you know; nothing but fruit and water till noon, then introduce veggies and grains but being careful how you couple them in a sitting....umm....."food combining" I think its called........

Thing is.....since August end....all I want to eat is sweet chili pistachios, which I do daily, at least one bag.  And those f*cking hagen das salted carmel choc. covered vanilla ice creams on a stick!!!!!  I ate 3 of those yesterday.

I started drinking coffee, which I think tastes like *ss, but I dig the caffeine rush.....also cuz it tastes so bad to me, I put 5 sugars in it with cream.... I know, I know.....It's killin me....I normally just drink peppermint tea and any kind of dairy I have is psuedo...."almond milk".  So since I've been clean, I'm a big snotty stuffed up mess. lol  ....cow's milk is for nursing calves. IMO

Anyway Pam, just wanted to say thankyou for your kindness, would love CR,  I have a friend who left his wife a few years back and took off to live there......it was a whole spiritual transformation for him......I think it was a
mid-life crisis. lol  
be well.
:o}

[VICourageous]

Hi Girl..I am glad you are reaching out in times of confusion on all of this. I seen a good program on Dr Oz about the sugar cravings. I ate a bunch of sugar after a month in..I told myself that this will bring me up and I will drop hard and be able to sleep..Oh the POWER of the Brain. I am just going to DITTO the above and just maybe Paint or do something other then this. Make a NEW HABIT..As you know Habits are Hard to Break. Just go with the Flow as you are still healing. Try to stay in the DAY and Yes, Yes, Yes try to get some Support..You will be amazed at how many will relate with you and give you some tips on what they did..lol Real soon here you will be free from the WEB..
Bless

[Jenny9906]

Ugggh I have the sugar problem bad right now too.  I want to eat nothing but candy, cookies, cake and crap.  I can so relate...sigh

[Ben727]

Yep, I have the same thing, that sense of wanting something. My therapist said that rather than try to deny there's a hole the needs to be filled, to consciously choose to fill it with things that are at not self-destructive. I've thought about it, and honestly, I've filled it with work and exercise. I've turned into a quite a workaholic over the past few years, and I start feeling very guilty if I'm not working out at least every other day. I discovered swimming around the time I quit, and I really enjoy it, so working out is great.

[Sonrissa]

Hi Spider, I also understand the feeling. I feel like I've been going through one addiction after another my whole life. During the in between times, I felt like I was always searching for something to fill the void. Something to put in my mouth, something to make me feel better.  I don't have a lot of answers, I guess I am still searching, too. I just try not to clock watch, and I look for distractions.  Reading, writing, connecting with people who understand.

Hang in there, you are not alone!

[toothfairie]

Hey Spider!  I did the same thing for a long time....watched the darn clock!  uggg it sure did suck....and would also eat something when that 3-4 hour mark would hit....it's a habit in more than one way...hang in there girl...it will get better and that clock watching will go away....you are doing GREAT!!  stay warm my friend!  :))  

[katmandu516]

Hey girl...I do the same thing. Always checking my coats as winter is here and I am taking out all my winter clothes. Looking through the pockets for sure!! Coats, pants, anything with a pocket gets checked. So I know the feeling my friend. And I say to myself, "What would you do if you did find a few?.  I would flush them so fast....I still don't trust myself. I was eating tons of chocolate myself, but I'm not as thin as you are. My husband took me to Kohl's the other day and I bought a pair of skinny jeans....Thank God for spandex. Those suckers are tight, but stretchy. So, no more chocolates for me until after the holidays so I can feel good in those skinny suckers!! Spider, I don't know when this all ends for us. But I hope with all my heart that you get back to your old self (before the drugs) in no time. You know I'm always here if you need me. PM me if needed anytime. And always remember to KEEPP KICKIN IT OLD SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND!! You can and are doing this honey!! I'm so proud of you. PS-Are you ready for Christmas? Gearing up here for a big snow storm today and tomorrow..UGH..That bites the bullet. Stay cool....Kat

[OpenMind24hours]

I know that feeling very well spider. It's like a bottomless pit that never gets anyway near filled. Last winter I tried filling it with fishing gear lol. Just recently I've been filling it with NA meetings and going to lunch after the meetings with people I know from the groups. Years ago my sponsor likened it to a hole in the middle of our chest that us addicts constantly filled with drugs. When we stop using we get that empty feeling for awhile. That's when we need the peeps on this site and the peeps in aftercare the most. It's when we turn to a power greater than us which can be this site, aftercare, a God of our understanding... This is what you've done this morning, which is good. It will come and go for awhile, but you know how to deal with it spider. I got to figure what to do with all these fishing reels!!

[CRSeaside]

Hi Spider. I think a trip to the jungle is needed. You know,anywhere but where you are now.    Geography doesn't change everything for sure I know, but if you were here for example & craving sugar,I'd send you out to pick a pineapple.   Then you'd eat about 10 bananas & we'd go out to see if any papayas were ripe.  
     For lunch we eat home made vegatable soup.
    Dinner maybe a bowl of black beans. For desert fresh coconut rice milk pudding. That's it. One course meals.  Funny I do it so easy here,like I was raised to do it.           Now, to stabalize me,one time after about 60 days clean,
I took Zyprexa.    Even if you don't have a mental disorder,your brain might need one of the psych meds to heal & keep your brain from sending these signals to your body.     Remember you are a beautiful person. Mi Casa ES su Casa. I invite you & your family to share the beauty here in Costa Rica. Pamela

[spider6]

.....when I say "lived my life in 4 hour increments"  I meant I used to
try and take my pills every 4 hours......(me justifying I was taking them kind of responsibly) lolololol.....*ss!