Aa
not yet out of the woods...
...but at least I have enough strength in my legs to carry myself through and forward!
Today is 6 days clean (off my DOC heroin) for the first time in YEARS. Actually now that I have some clarity, it's plain to see that these patches of lucidity are frighteningly few and far between... as in, I'm 24 y/o now, have been using drugs in some form since I was 12, been to rehab a handful of times and NEVER completed them; always bailed out - in the first week as a matter of fact, once in a cab, in the rain. So stubbornly determined to stay loaded, and now I wonder why. It really provides motivation - to take care, not to take this sobriety for granted.
So, let me tell you why this time worked, and was different from the endless number of attempts in the past! I set my expectations lower. As in, I dug my heels in and expected to be in for the long haul, and to not use NO MATTER WHAT, no matter how crappy I felt for however long. (Whereas in the past, I expected the worst to be over in the first few days, and relapsed when it wasn't the case.) It really made all the difference, to be as humble and accepting of the situation as possible. Also, I did it for myself and only myself, mostly BY myself. My ex-boyfriend/roommate helped a little bit by walking my dogs in the morning for the first 2 or 3 days, but as you may be able to tell by the prefix "ex"... he's pretty fed up by this point, as are the rest of the members of my support network. They're still rooting for me, but are not surprised if/when I fail. So I really had to answer to no one but myself. I just grit my teeth, took a lot of baths, and thought, "it's now or never."
So now at day 6, I'm physically stable, and observing some of the subtleties of sobering up... most notably, the psychological frailty, I'm like an emotional newborn calf. The most random things will set me off in a flurry of embarrassed, hot tears; a gentle word or gesture of support/love, a jingle on a commercial, seeing a father and son holding hands... As uncomfortable and strange as it is, I'm so grateful to find that my heart is still here, was just stifled and hiding. I still have a soul...!!
Today is 6 days clean (off my DOC heroin) for the first time in YEARS. Actually now that I have some clarity, it's plain to see that these patches of lucidity are frighteningly few and far between... as in, I'm 24 y/o now, have been using drugs in some form since I was 12, been to rehab a handful of times and NEVER completed them; always bailed out - in the first week as a matter of fact, once in a cab, in the rain. So stubbornly determined to stay loaded, and now I wonder why. It really provides motivation - to take care, not to take this sobriety for granted.
So, let me tell you why this time worked, and was different from the endless number of attempts in the past! I set my expectations lower. As in, I dug my heels in and expected to be in for the long haul, and to not use NO MATTER WHAT, no matter how crappy I felt for however long. (Whereas in the past, I expected the worst to be over in the first few days, and relapsed when it wasn't the case.) It really made all the difference, to be as humble and accepting of the situation as possible. Also, I did it for myself and only myself, mostly BY myself. My ex-boyfriend/roommate helped a little bit by walking my dogs in the morning for the first 2 or 3 days, but as you may be able to tell by the prefix "ex"... he's pretty fed up by this point, as are the rest of the members of my support network. They're still rooting for me, but are not surprised if/when I fail. So I really had to answer to no one but myself. I just grit my teeth, took a lot of baths, and thought, "it's now or never."
So now at day 6, I'm physically stable, and observing some of the subtleties of sobering up... most notably, the psychological frailty, I'm like an emotional newborn calf. The most random things will set me off in a flurry of embarrassed, hot tears; a gentle word or gesture of support/love, a jingle on a commercial, seeing a father and son holding hands... As uncomfortable and strange as it is, I'm so grateful to find that my heart is still here, was just stifled and hiding. I still have a soul...!!
Thank you so much for your response, and all that echo the sentiment, pointing out that I sound BETTER than when I first started here... it made me go back and read not only what I posted, but the response, which at the time made me feel admittedly defensive and discouraged, specifically those that said "You're quitting for the wrong reasons"... as far as I'm concerned, then and still, any reason is a good one to get your foot in the door... but truly, none will be sustainable until, like you say, I put ME first. =) I will try to be less resistant to the wisdom offered on here in the future... lol!
I want to say you just sound so much clearer compared to before. You sound like your fog might be lifting. You speak eloquently. Congrats!
Keep it up!
Keep it up!
Hi joycake! Congrats on day 6! You have a great attitude. Stay strong, and keep moving forward. Have you given any thought to some type of aftercare? Keep posting your progress. Take care!
You sound great!! What a great Christmas gift to yourself and those that love you, and all the people now and in the future who will read your posts and get inspiration from them
Make sure you set up aftercare ... it seems to be key in those who've maintained their sobriety.
Make sure you set up aftercare ... it seems to be key in those who've maintained their sobriety.
Girlie, I just love your attitude and insight into all of this! You are a very wise and humble young lady. Keep this up and you will go very far. I am so proud of you and can't believe the difference from the first time you posted. Please stick around and keep us updated on how you are. We are here to listen, encourage, support, and offer advice. Always put you first and do something daily towards your recovery. Good luck to you!
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