accidentally addicted to opiates

[Sadbeauty]

Please help me to conquer this horrible addiction that I have stupidly gotten myself into, due to me working so hard at getting my fiance clean and keeping him clean for 5 years before he had yet another relapse, which I should have left him at that point, because it was like babysitting all the time:-(
I would NEVER have thought that me of all people in the world, whom was on the track of being a substance abuse counselor, because I studied so much about opiate addiction, due to saving my finances life.
Now I am battling the same horrible addiction that I swore I would Never even try a pain pill EVER!! I am going absolutely crazy trying to get clean without any interruptions of everyday life that still goes on:-(
Not to mention that it is a hidden addiction within me and only me.... I don't dare tell a single soul, because I live in a small town that will thrown many judgemental stones at me, because they already think I am stupid for putting up with an addict for 7 years... which he has been clean for most of the time, but many relapses that I have helped him get right back on track.
Now I am where I never thought that I would be, due to trying an oxy 15mg last summer, when I just wanted to see why he loved it so much to keep relapsing:-( and I honestly thought that I can do just one or two and never do it again, well to my new found knowledge that it is not that easy when you love that euphoria that comes with the drug.
So here I am a year later battling the same problem that I believed I was sent to help others with. I have been taking four 30mg a day and I can't seem to get past day 2... PLEASE HELP me with the mental part of this addiction that is hidden within myself. I can get through the physical part, as I have helped my fiance through many of times, but I finally get the mental challenges that he has had to deal with all these years.. WOW! I am so sad for anyone and everyone that is battling addiction:-( btw I have never been addicted to anything in my life of 28 years. Please help me:-(

[lulu747]

Awe darlin' I feel for you.  I'm gonna tell you something.  It's the hiding that is F*&^ing you up right now.  The mental part is about shame and blame.  You came clean on this forum, which is an awesome first step...But you gotta come clean to someone else.  You are obviously SUPER knowledgeable about addict behaviour/psychology and so you know the old adage that "Our secrets keep us sick".  It's totes true.  I understand the small town thing...But you are being very very hard on yourself.  Addiction does not happen to stupid people, or bad people, it is a HUMAN condition.  And you, my dear, are human.  Take some of that compassion you've been pouring out to others and give some to yourself.
Are you still with this BF?  Is he in recovery?  
This is a big challenge.  But you can do it.  
BTW...Being addicted and getting clean is one of the most empowering experiences a human being can have.  I am grateful every day for this experience.
Whatever you need, we are here.
Lu

[dirtydirk]

i always told ppl that thought they knew it all (i once thought i did) they couldnt walk a day in my shoes ,  in saying that im not trying to be mean  but i once said the same about ppl abusing pills just stop  it cant be that hard.......ive been a addict most my life but theres sumtin about opiates that grab u by the balls so 2 speak best thing to do is stay busy and by saying u can get thru the phyical part is a lil premature im assuming considering u cant get past day 2......physical wd systems dont subside for roughly 7-10 days usually that is!!

[Hm0828]

We are here with you! I have told my husband that I'm going through withdrawls and he doesn't think it's a big deal because he knows nothing about it.... Along with my other family and friends. So that is y I turned here. These people on this forum have been amazing. We are all here to help. Day or night someone is always here. Especially at nite for as u prolly know, insomnia kinda comes sling with the withdrawls for most.

[Sadbeauty]

Thank you for the wonderful positive outlook.  I am being to hard on myself and I usually give great advice to addicts, that is why I want to be a substance abuse counselor:-)  I am so hsppy to have found this forum of wonderful people like yourself to help one another. And yes I am still with my bf because I feel that he needs me, and he is on a relapse once again as of 2 weeks ago when i told him the truth and now I have to get clean fast, so that he will stop blaming himself for what I chose to do.
I thank you very much for your support.

[Sadbeauty]

I thank you dirtydirk for you honesty, It's true,  never say never, and I believe I can be a better counselor later because I now have walked in those shoes.
I just know that I can get through the physical wd because I am hurting with the cold sweats and jitters, but I am prepared gor the rest of the physical wd to come to me, I am being strong about the physical sickness so far, and from my knowledge of helping my fiance out for years, I do understand what I am up against, but I believe Lulu47 is right, its the secret that makes me sick, because I am dying right now and I already feel much better by letting it out to you all:-) thank you so much for all your support.
And HM0828 : thank you for the kind support,  I also turned here for support, and so far I already feel better mentally. . THANK YOU!! I am more worried about the mental because of my knowledge of what ot does later on, that's why the relapse situations come within the first 2 months.
I just wanted advice on how to help get through the mental part after I conquer the physical part... you know, the lethargic and no personality and feeling like you need a pill just to go somewhere. . I don't know where to begin on that part.
I was hoping those of you who have gotten through those mental opiate thoughts, get them under control, because I do know that they will always be there once your body and brain have tasted that great euphoria feeling.

[lulu747]

Ok doll.  You just gotta take it one step at a time.  Rest.  Eat well.  Exercise.  Listen to music.  Is there somewhere else you can go for support where you are not the caretaker?

[Sadbeauty]

Thank you very much for the great advice, I am not thinking clearly at this point, but that all makes sense.. exercise,  eat healthy, and music:-)
Because thats what I had my fiance do when he would relapse.
I guess I was too scared to take my own advice.
I just need to vent it out I guess. .. Thank you all for the great support for a sad soul:-(
It does get better, I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

[lulu747]

Hey Sadbeauty-
I totally get where you are coming from.  Take this advice please- don't beat yourself up for "I should have know better" The self shaming will just make you feel more defeated.  And you ARE NOT DEFEATED.  Just because you easily have counselled others through this very thing, does not make it any easier to be experiencing yourself.  It's a soul reckoning time- a time to see for yourself what you are really made of.  And I bet it's tough stuff!  All people with kind and compassionate generous hearts are made of tough stuff.  Recovering from addiction can make you stronger than you ever knew you could be.  Just be loving with yourself doll.  Take it one moment at time.
Hugs
Lu

[lulu747]

Also-
Before I go to bed I have to tell you (I am kinda bossy hope you don't mind (:) That you cannot save your fiance until you save yourself.  You have NO responsibility for his addiction, just as he has none for yours.  It's like if an airplane is going down you place your own oxygen mask on your mouth before his.  You need to get clean and breathe again, and then perhaps you and your fiance can look at both of your addictions and how you feed one another in that way.  Co-dependancy and dependancy are complex.  You gotta get clear and feel like YOU again.  You deserve it.  OH!  And I forgot to mention, have you cut off all your connections?  Got rid of your stash?  This will help oodles with that mental battle.  
May you find peace and rest tonight..
Lu