really?

[sickofpillsandpain]

so i went in for my first dr appt with my new doc. he was really pissed off that my prior dr had prescribed me all of the meds that i am on. he is calling the director of her office and he is also writing a letter to someone about it. i feel aweful that she is going to be in trouble. i told him that she just didnt want me to be in pain and that i played games here and there to get them and he said to stop making exuses for her...that he looked/studied my chart and see's that i was getting them every single month without issue and without even making an appt. he said any dr that looks at this chart would ask why in the hell i am on so much stuff he said even the dr's out there that fill your pez dispenser every month with whatever you what without caring about it wouldnt want anything to do with this because there isnt any reason  there should be this large of a list and be on 4 different pain meds daily and muscle relaxers and 5 other meds for different things. he said its a giant red flag .. he said he wants me off of them but he wont pull the rug from under me... he cut them all down a little bit... and in 2 weeks i have to go back in to see him with my meds in hand and we are going to count them together. i asked him what would happen if i didnt take them as prescribed and he said he will discharge me... i said wow just like that? and he said well i want to help you.. you need to come off of all of this **** (he used that word..lol) he said at first glance at your perscription list i thought you were a terminal cancer patient! he said what you are prescribed a month is what a person with  terminal cancer is prescribed ! he said you need your life back and i will go to the ends of the earth with you to help you get it back but i will not waste my time... you need to also be helping yourself. i said well that's fair, i thanked him for his honesty. i am scared about this! i have used all of these meds as a crutch for every aspect of my life.. wtf am i gonna do now? i can just go get my scripts and take them like i normally do and i wont have any to count with him in 2 weeks and loose a dr who seems to actually give a rats *** and go find another dr who will give me what i want and stfu... or i can take them as i am prescribed and go in there in 2 weeks and do a count with him and either be dead on or a very very few off and keep him as my dr and really work off of this crap. it sounds like an easy decision for most im sure but for "us addicts" its a really hard one!  i know what the best thing to do is.. i need to follow his plan i like him so far... he dosent bull crap you.. he tells it as he sees it and i like that, hes down to earth and is compassionate. i hope i can do this. i wasn't mentally prepared to do this yet.  my bf is already saying oo whatever i will replace them for you when it gets closer to your appt... or just say we are out of town. i dont think i want to do that though... but i dont and cant leave him high and dry with nothing he shares his pills with me... always has and i share mine with him i dont keep track and neither dose he. when we are running out he usually is the one to go hustle up a few scripts for us. im not going to go into detail on here but its never ever been an issue to get whatever he wants whenever he wants for a price. he has a good job so thats never an issue.. we always have our pills but dam if we can pay the bills on time! =[  i dont know what to do!!!!!! advice anyone?

[sickofpillsandpain]

Thank you! so far today i have made it and i still haven't taken the amount i am prescribed! i am 2 less then what im supposed to take!!  the pro's and con's list doesn't sound dumb to me at all!! i might just sit down and do that tonight. sometimes when you see something written out it helps put it all in perspective also, it makes you put more thought into it. He is not all the way committed but, we are leaving town for a few days to visit family tomorrow and he is usually scrambling to get a good stash for the trip but he hasn't done that at all today =] so that's a good sign. I know that if i do this and follow through on it he will eventually follow. He knows that he will die if he doesn't stop and he said that he wants to be around to raise his daughter and he has taken the father role for my 2 older kids from a previous marriage and he said that he needs to be here for them too. So it wont be long before he commits too. I'm a bit disappointed that the dr office hasn't called back.. i called them yesterday about his appt. about how he wasn't fourth coming about his med intake (my bf asked me to call)  and that he would like an opportunity to come back in and put the truth out there and see if the dr will be able to help him too. I hope they call back on Monday. he is afraid that they will do one of those state wide prescription checks and see that he got some recently and got more a few days later. he didn't ask this new dr for any but he also didn't tell him that he had gotten any at all. Seance this dr will be a good one to hold him accountable and not let him call the shots with his meds he believes it will be a very good thing for him, something he needs. the last dr would give him anything he wanted.. it was pretty much ridiculous but he new he could so he did. Thank you very much for your encouraging words and advice! it is really helping me along more then you even know! Someone saying that they are proud of me means alot to me! a whole lot! thank you!!

[Bad_Obsession]

Good job!  Now....you have a plan, you have goals and you are off to a really good start!  So keep it up!  I'm proud of ya!  Is your bf on board also?  It would be sooo much easier if he was.  You guys could confide and support one another.  You know what I did that really helped keep me motivated?  It may sound kinda dumb, but I made a pro's and con's list.  The only "pro" I had was....I like to get high.  My "con's" list was over 3 pages long!!!  I thought of everything that was a negative impact in my life because of the pills and wrote it down.  Everytime I was feeling weak, I just looked at my list.  That was all the motivation I needed to stay clean. Keep up the good work...you are off to a really good start to taking control of your life again.  If you have any questions, just post here and we will answer them for ya!  Stay strong, stay true to yourself and good luck!  You can do this...do it for you, your kids, your family and your boyfriend!  

[sickofpillsandpain]

i meant that its hard to control my intake on how many im taking in a day when i have a few scripts sitting in front of me. i know i have a huge lack of control! but im happy to say that i took my meds exactly as they were prescribed yesterday! i didn't think i could do it but i did it. i just kept busy and fought the urge to take more to chase the high. when i started to think o ill just take a couple extra and just take less tomorrow to make up for it i did something else to take my mind off of it. i also made a tally of the stuff i was taking so i could keep track and that seemed to help. i know there are trackers on here but i always find reasons to not update them but the paper is sitting in front of me so it made it easier i guess so today is another day and im off to a good start! i hope that i can do this! i know i can i just wish i was 100% committed! i dont know what is stopping me from totally committing to something i know is best! grrrr. i know im not the best mom i could be on these things so i need to grab my big girl pants..lol.. and just do it too! i dont think i have the guts to just go c/t but i can taper that's not that big of a deal! all the $$ we spend on pills i could be saving and taking my kiddos on a trip! we haven't gone on a family vacation in many years! i have 2 teenagers and a 2 yr old... they need me to be at 100% so anyways i am starting to make some progress =]  getting the suppliers and stopping being a supplier is gonna be a little harder... but it can be done! changing the phone numbers is a good start i think might just do that soon. but i have to control myself on making that easy $$ too. i take some of the stuff i get that i dont like to take but has a good street value and sell them to either get more pills that i do like or to pay a bill here and there. not proud of that at all and im putting my whole family at risk when i do that ****. that stops today! ill just work more hours to make up the difference and the financial aid from school (im going back this fall) will really help alot with playing catch up. my goal is to be off of all these meds before school starts in September. i know if i keep going that i wont succeed in school and i will squander the money that's supposed to be for school, so that's yet another reason to stop the dumb **** and take back my life! i will keep coming here for a long while checking in has become part of my daily routine..lol.. heres to a new day!

[Bad_Obsession]

Okay...first thing before I answer your questions.  You said that we addicts aren't capable of controlling things (or something like that).  I couldn't disagree more.  I know exactly how it feels to be controlled by drugs, but ultimately YOU choose your destiny.  YOU make the descisions that effect the rest of your life- and your childrens lives.  Yes...it's very easy to feel controlled by these drugs...I know...I've done some horrible, horrible things to get them, but ultimately, you are responsible for your actions.  Not the drug. Not the addiction.

Now...to answer your questions....

To get off....I just quit CT.  The addiction and spending all of the money has gotten me NOWHERE. In fact...it has caused me to go backwards as far as life goes.  I'm telling you...I have lost everything, and you will too, eventually.  You have already said that it's causing you guys financial problems.  Those will catch up with you, I guarentee it.  So to quit...I thought about everything that was going on, and then put my big boy pants on and did it!  Plain and simple.  Did it effin suk? Yes!  Absolutely.  But I got to a point where I had to quit.  It wasn't fair to my family, my SON, or myself.  The very first day I quit, I also started going to NA.  There are groups everywhere, and it's completely free.  The way I see it...I put sooo much time into getting high, the least I could do is put in an hour a day to staying clean.  NA or AA groups are a lifesaver for many people- it's the line between staying clean and relapse.  Many people here at MH will tell you the same.  As far as the boredom thing goes...just stay busy.  Get excited about life again and all of the things that you don't do anymore that you used to love doing before you got all strung out on pills.  Sh*t...spend time with the kids!  Just stay busy!  I devote as much time as I can to my son now that i'm clean and to staying clean!  Those two things are my life now, and they keep me plenty busy.  As far as my "other resourses" to getting pills?  I told my dealers to stop calling me, I changed my phone number (it's not hard to do) and I canceled all of my pain clinic appointments.  Told them I will no longer be needing their services.  I cut all contacts out of my life that had anything to do with pills.  You have to.  Once again...your life (and your kids lives) depend on it.

Look...noone can convince you to quit.  It's something you are going to have to want for yourself.  Cuz if you just let someone talk you into quitting and you don't truly and honestly want it for yourself, then you will relapse.  I promice you that.  Please think about this.  You have kids...you have a beautiful life ahead of you if you decide to get clean.  Cut all toxic relationships out of your life....get clean.  If not for you...then do it for your kids.  Bottom line is...you have to want it really bad.  You have to get to a point where you want to be clean more than you want to be f*cked up.  That's it.

I hope you stick around MH for a while. Knowlege is power.  Keep reading...keep posting.  Keep talking...I know it helps.

I gotta run...talk later, k?  God bless ya!  

[sickofpillsandpain]

thank you and i will. i am very glad that i have found this web site too! i just need to get pissed enough i think idk but i need to quit messing around and whining and just do it! its almost like i am waiting for the inevitable "nuke bomb" to wake me up completely! i do spend alot of time reading peoples stories and taking in all of the advice of people that have been there and done that im just hard headed and we all know that you have got to make the choice on your own to really get clean and stay clean!  ~~missy~~

[IBKleen]

You can fool the doctor all day long, but you can't fool yourself. Now that you have talked to some people and you can see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it is going to mess with that high that you are chasing (which you will not catch).

You admitted that you are not ready yet--that is sad but it is what it is. I am still glad you found your way here and I am real glad that your ears are open.

Keep posting.

[sickofpillsandpain]

thank you again for all of the advice and well wishes it means alot to me, and its helping a whole lot to be able to talk about this. we hide it very well within our circle of friends and our family knows nothing of it. being able to out it all out there and not be judged is awesome in it;s self.

[sickofpillsandpain]

i have thought about it but that means i will have to stop being a ***** and face my demons! lol i also have depression and high anxiety so im sure there is something underlying . things have seemed to take a down turn when my sister died. i have sence been a drunk and now a drug addict.

[sickofpillsandpain]

wow you called me out on that one! i try to not think of myself as a junkie. when i read that i got a knot in my stomach because its true and i know it but that term seems to sound dirty and horribile and that couldnt be me rite? i know what youre saying about him not being supportive at this time and our relationship has been toxic off and on. when we first met i was a drunk and he drank to hang with me and that didnt end well. i left i moved 4hrs away and quit drinking  within about 6-8 months he followed.then a few years ago the pills started and now we are at the point where we both know we need to stop this and just live sober! so in our 5 yr relationship we have spent about1.5 to  2 yrs sober he love eathother very much and both of us are very loyal people and neither one of us is ready to throw in the towel just yet. we are both very strong people that can do this.. we just need to make up our minds. thats crazy that your dr said the same thing as mine did about your meds matching up to that of a terminal cancer patient! him telling me that dosent help me... it fuels it. cuz if you can replace them then i can party on with these things and keep fooling him and keep getting my meds. but the things is, even if i do fool him he is lowering them every month untill im down to nothing then we are going to go from there and find other ways of relief maybe trying to fix the issues instead of numbing them. thank you for your honesty you 2cents. i respect brutal honesty

[dominosarah]

If you dont take this opportunity that is in front of you and you get discharged then you will have to deal with the consequences.  Have you thought about talking to an addiction counselor?  Using is just a symptom of what you have going on.  You are going to have to focus on you right now, not your bf.  This relationship is very toxic as it stands.  I hope you latch on to this doctor and let him help you.  Your life is on the line here~~~sara

[sickofpillsandpain]

what did you do to get off?? how are you staying off? what made you make the choice? how did you fill your days so you didnt use out of boredom? if you were taking that many a day then you had other resources to get them im assuming? what did you do about that?  i know i feel like a huge dumb sh*t even questioning weather or not im going to stick with this dr and follow his plan! if someone told me this stuff and then said o gee i dont know what to do i would want to shake them and say are you f-ing kidding me? im no dummy i know the opportunity that is in front of me. and you are totally rite... if he does discharge us what will we do? look for another dr? that will be 2 discharges in less then 6 months! that cant look good! we can always find them on the street no problems with that but we are going broke in the process! i dont want this life anymore and i know he dosent either.. we are both just chasing that high and its going to destroy us!  holding onto a security blanket a crytch for everything in life! neither one of us can seem to let it go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[el_em_en_oh]

If you want to get sober, but your boyfriend does not, it's going to be extremely difficult for you to maintain your sobriety. If he's even suggesting that you take more pills than you should prior to your appointment with this awesome doctor that wants to help you, and telling you that he'll replace them for you so you can fool the doctor, then how does that help you?

How long have you been with your boyfriend? Have you guys ever been together sober, or have always been junkies together? I use the term junkies on purpose, for effect, please understand. Folks that take prescription medication sometimes fool themselves into thinking that they're somehow better than heroin users, or meth users, or coke'heads, but trust me... We're junkies just like street-drug users.

I used to be right were you are, Sister. I confided in my urologist, way back when, and he said from the list of drugs I was on, he'd guess that I was a terminal cancer patient.

It's said, that you only have to change ONE thing in order to get sober. That one thing? EVERYTHING.

Not sure how long youve been with your boyfriend, but if you want something that he doesn't want, then I think it's time that someone hits the curb.

My 2 cents.

[10356]

I also hope it works out for the both of you and that you jump on this opportunity. Your children deserve better.. they deserve the real you the real man who lives with them not the shell that opiates leave us. I also have fractures in my feet one has 3 plates and 16 screws. I realize how painful it can be. off opiates the pain had gotten much better maybe something can be offered for nerve damage that is non narcotic. I have had to take pain meds in the past for shoulder replacement and having them doled out to me was a blessing. they actually work the way they are suppose to for short term pain but for long time in my honest opinion they were not meant for this for they sap our personality's our spirit our lives.. this last quit I was taking 30 norco a day It was not easy but doable.. that was almost 3 years ago I have never regretted it.. neither has my liver and kidney. sending a prayer that you and your bf make the decision to get clean for it is not just you two but your children also.. lesa

[sickofpillsandpain]

thats exactly what i do! i wake up and take a few then i take some all day then i take a few at night then something to help me sleep cuz i have taken a bunch all day along with about 2 2liters a day of pepsi max! i am chasing a high that i cant seem to get back! sometimes i get a good one going but it dosent last long and its random these days. it is old

[Bad_Obsession]

Well...I hope it works out for both of you.  Yes...both of you need to stop this stuff now, before it gets even worse.  The longer you wait, the worse it's going to get.  I was just like your boyfriend a short time ago.  In fact....just 2 weeks ago, I was popping 25-30 10mg pills a day.  Let me tell you....I have lost everything to this addiction.  I have lost my sweetheart (she left me after my 3rd relapse), I lost my vehicle, my house, all of my friends, most of my family- they all got tired of the addiction.  And my family isn't the type to abandon other family members...but addiction takes it's toll on everyone.  You have to make up your mind to stop this crap.  Really you do.  And why not now?  Why wait?  It's just going to get harder and harder to do the longer you wait.  You have a really good doctor that is willing to help you, and make sure that you taper off of them comfortably, and your considering p*ssing it away?!?!?  Seriously?  What are you guys gonna do, if you go back to the doctor, short on pills, and he discharges you both?  Then you have no pills....noone to help you get off of them, and you are back to living a shady life and lieing, cheating and stealing to get pills?  That doesn't sound like a very good alternative to getting clean.  Yes....do some soul searching.  Both of you.  When you guys are finally ready to take this thing seriously, we here at MH will be more than willing to help you guys out.  Please consider this very carefully.  I think you have a golden opportunity here...and you are wasting it.  God bless you both.  I hope it works out.  You are in my prayers.

[kme17]

why dont you try something new.. u been doing it this way souonds like u have the never ending cycle of gettting ur pills from the time u get up to the time u go to sleep chasing that first high. so try something new.. get clean get and see if the grass is greener for u. if not u can always go back to your same old repeative tiring cycle

[sickofpillsandpain]

i cant believe i forgot to say this but, my bf had an appt with him yesterday too. and he said that he wasn't very forth coming with him. when asked when he got meds last he answered with i dont remember and when asked why he gets meds he answered look at my mri's and you tell me and stuff like that. well the dr did a ekg thing on him to check his heart.. he has very high blood pressure... and said well you seem to have a good heart.. and he said he just laughed. i told my bf after the appt what the doc said and he at first was like o whatever they always say something about counting them but they never do so whatever. then i told him that the dr had me schedule an appt in 2 weeks strictly for that he didn't really say much to that.but later on that day he out of the blue said to me, hey do you think if i call the dr office or maybe go back up there and tell him that i wasn't completely honest and fourth coming with him that he would help me? i was shocked! i said im sure he would but you need to be ready. he said he is.. he also said he knows hes going to die soon if he doesn't stop and having a dr that will hold him accountable and not let him get away with all the games would be good for him. he has stress fractures in both feet and he needs a total knee replacement and he has degenerative disk disease and a touch of scoliosis but he goes to work every day and works hard so the man is in real pain and he needs something but he is taking anywhere from 15 to 25 vicodin/norco 10 a day! i didn't know he was at that high of a lvl i knew sometimes he took that many but i guess this has been a daily thing for a while now =[  so this morning he called the dr office and left a message for them to please call him back. he said he is going to be totally honest and put it all out there and see if the dr will even attempt to help him. i told him i would go with him and stand by him the whole time i would support him 100% and he said he would do the same for me. so i guess we will see. i was stunned to hear him say that! he has said that stuff in the past and really seemed to mean it that he was going to stop taking them and he was done abusing them and yada yada but never has he said something about telling someone the entire truth of his addiction and then actually call and take a step towards it! so i am hopeful. now we both just need to go 100% on this. but both of us seem to be around 90% we just need an extra push and maybe by supporting each other at the same goal we could really do this???  me and him are pretty co dependent so this just might work!

[sickofpillsandpain]

I am not 100% on board to be clean yet. i know what the right thing to do is... i know what i need to do for myself and my kids but i am just not all the way there yet! i havent gotten agry enough at the dam things yet. i already took a few extra so the wheels are turning on how to get around it and or replace them somehow. i think it's good to be held accountable but like 10356 said.. we are not known for our control. i have one friend that i would trust wholeheartedly with giving them to her and having her dispence them... thats an idea i will really put some thought into! i know my bf will NOT like that idea at all but i might just have to do it anyways. Bad_Obsession ::: i do need to do some serious sole searching and get this figured out NOW! the doc said he's going to be like a dad about this and hold me accountable. he runs an office here that isnt based on $$ in fact he helps people all of the time that do not have insurance all they ask for is a $5 donation so that others in need can be helped also. he is a little old guy that came out of retirement to run this office and help people. i was looking for a new doc and doing some research on the net... i was looking for a new pill dr .. i was reading reviews and stuff. but he stodd out to me for some reason. the intake appt he told me that he dosent care much about all of the $$ he cares about people and thats why he is a dr. he asked me things like how is your colesterol? how is your blood pressure? how is your weight? what blood type are you? whens the last time you had a basic blood work up and checked on your kidney fuction? when was your last physical? i couldnt answer any of those questions! none! he was very annoyed and said... LADY! YOU NEED AND SHOULD KNOW THESE THINGS! he looked through my chart and said he was disgusted to see that none of that stuff was ever ordered for me to do. so he immediately ordered blood tests to check all that stuff and a basic panel. i found out i am doing ok but i have a vitamin d deficiency. he said from now on you will be able to answer these questions. I just kinda sat there thinking wow! wth did i just get myself into? lol this doc isnt playing around! he is very kind and compassionate and really really cares about people. he's one of these very rare people that you come across that are really genuine. I dont want to mess this up i know i wont find it again for a very long time maybe never! hummm a dr that cares and holds you accountable? it pissis on my pill getting games but it will help me get my life back. so why is this such a hard dam thing to do???? why is it that i cant just take these f-ing things like i am supposed to when a golden opportunity is rite in front of me?  thank you to everyone that has commented on my post.... i so appreciate reading all of what you guys have to say. it helps alot

[BrotherFrankie]

no such thing as a very few off.. he will drop you for one off ..

[Bad_Obsession]

Do you want to get clean, hon?  It doesn't sound like you have your mind made up..

Ask yourself honestly, and seriously.  And if the answer is "yes" are you willing to do whatever it takes to get clean?  And I do mean WHATEVER it takes.  Cuz it sounds like your boyfriend is a huge enabler and unless he's going to support you (or get off of the pills also) you are going to have a really hard time with him around.

I think at this point, you need to be doing some soul searching and asking yourself some really serious questions.  The rest of your life depends on it.  You can either continue using and end up dead, institutionalized or in jail.  Or....you can stop this crap right now, and get your life back on a path that you can be happy with.

And I'm sorry to sound so blunt...but it really is the rest of your life that you are deciding here.  So...think about it....and come back and let us know what you decided.

[Bad_Obsession]

Absolutely...I agree with IBKleen!  This doctor is a God send, hon.  He really is.  He seems like he really wants to help, and I think you should be JUMPING all over this!!!  For real!  There are so many doctors out there who just don't care anymore, and it's good to know that there are still some out there who remember that they took a sworn oath to help people.  Blessings come in all sorts of ways...and if you ask me, this is a blessing all the way!  Grab this opportunity with both hands, and don't waste it.  You may never get another chance like this again.  Remember why you want to get clean...remember that you want your life back.  You can do this...and I think you should.

God bless you hon.  Good luck!

[10356]

Sometimes Blessings fall in our lap. It is if we are willing to see them. You are fortunate to have found this Dr. when you did. coming her gaining knowledge courage and now a way out.. I can not help but to wonder how well he knows drug addicts for we are not known for our control. If you are serious about getting clean you will have to involve someone to dispense them for you. our ask him to give you daily.. as for your bf using and it sounds not ready to get clean. I will send a prayer that he see's the life return in your eyes and actions should you decide to give this a go and that he will want what you have.. You are in a tough situation I really hope you find a way to work with this Dr. Having drugs available anytime without the fear of running out is a quick way to damage your liver and kidneys.. while using we do not think of this we are just happy we do not have to suffer when in fact we are setting ourselves up for suffering.. I wish you both the very best.. lesa

[sudie58]

i think you know deep down that its a choice only you can make, you can do exactly what this new dr. says and get your life back, be free of these meds and lead a normal good life, or you can keep on the road your boyfriends on, which will, for sure end in a horrible mess, you really will regret it in the future if you waste this chance you have, i really do wish you well, best wishes.