scared and confused

[megan420660]

My baby brother committed suicide 2/5/12 .and I am ashamed to say I have dabbled in meth since his passing. I think about my brother a lot more when i am on meth. I always think I see my brother in my back yard , or down in the crawl space under the house. Last week I thought I saw my brother under my crawl space of my house and went down there to be there with him. I put my arms around what I thought was my brother and rocked him back and fourth like a baby. When I went to roll over he fell from my grip and it was then when I realized he was nothing but dirt under my house. I was on meth at this time as well. I have been diagnosed with bipolar I disorder with psychotic features.  But could I also have some POST TRAMATIC STRESS DISSORDER going on as well. I would appreciate any help anyone else could give me. Thanks

[mdnbd_4040]

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I hope this reply helps.

I've been dealing with serious drug addiction for 15 years, first using crack, and then heroin, which I first picked up twelve years ago.

Like you, I've also been diagnosed as bipolar, and I've been hospitalised with psychosis.

I can't imagine what it's  like to loose a sibling. Over the years, I've lost friends to suicide. I've had family members abroad die, and sunk further into addiction to block it out.

It is only now that I'm free of physical addiction (10 days) that the person I was before is coming back.

I've never tried meth, but one addict to another - you're going to struggle if you try to do this alone. Feelings of shame and guilt are normal, don't let them rule you.

I really struggle to ask others for help, and have major trust issues - particularly with men. So I know first hand how paralyzing guilt and shame can be.

Don't  give up on yourself. Take small steps towards recovery- and have that as your ultimate goal

hope this helps.

[mombojombo]

I am thankful to read your post mdnbd. How is it going?  10 days is like a lifetime in addiction time.  I hope you are doing alright.  Is heroin your doc now?  Are you doing this alone or do you have support?  Let us know how you are doing.

Shame is awful.  Letting go of that is something I still work on.  

[meegWpaw]

Oh Megan what a traumatic and difficult thing you are going through, my heart goes out to you.  i don't know enough about PTSD as it relates to death to comment on that, and i am bipo but i am not familiar with the psychotic aspect.  it certainly seems that all of these factors could come into play regarding your situation, but again I do not feel qualified to say.  I have done a good deal of meth and I experienced a tremendous amount of hallucinations on it.  the hallucinations were vivid and ranged from shifting fabric in carpeting to people.  it was terrifying and disturbing.  i wonder if the meth is confusing your brain's normal process of dealing with your brother's death?  certainly anyone in your shoes would be struggling, but i cannot imagine the meth is helping you cope with or express your feelings in a normal frame of reference. i agree with riley, counseling and getting off drugs would be of immeasurable benefit.  please keep posting, we are here to support you.  all the best to you in getting through this incredibly difficult time. --Meegan

[ariley13]

Hi there and welcome! I really don't have any experience with meth, but I know there are folks on here who do. I'm sure someone will be along to chime in shortly. I just wanted to offer my support to you. It sounds like you have been through a lot. The meth is going to make your mental and emotional issues worse. Are you wanting to quit? Are you currently under a doctor's care for the bipolar? I think that with all of your recent trauma, you could really benefit from counseling of some sort. It might help to talk through your feelings and fears. Plus it could help you to learn some new and healthy coping skills. I hope that you are able to find some peace very soon and wish you the best of luck. Please know you are not alone. We are here for you.