sneaky b*stard

[dede2121]

now i feel really good today but as i was riding to the carwash to wash the salt and snow off my car, lucifer started talking to me. i was thinking how good i felt and then all of a sudden i started thinking i could feel even better if i had a percocet. and i was thinking about the person i used to get them from and i thought i could just get one and then be done.
i just went and washed and vacuumed my car, got gas and came straight home to Medhelp. this is actually the first time since i quit 48 days ago that the thought was really strong.
there was alot of back and forth going on in my brain on the way home. but my good side prevailed.
i cant go back to that. i feel good, i have money, i am not driving myself nuts looking for the next pill and scraping up enough money to get one and gas to go get it. i even started feeling a slight tightness in my chest over this.
addiction is so powerful. i have allowed this and other people to have so much power over me the last couple of years. i cant let them have power over me anymore..
so i am home and off work today. i  really need to get a second job. i am fine when i am working and staying busy. it is just when i have idle time that my mind wanders.
right now i am just taking some deep breaths and am gonna go wash dishes and finsih washing clothes.

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Thanks sara!! I just had a star show up and I didn't think I did anything to get it!?! Yeah no worries about them :)

Dede - Like I said, I hardly talk to grown ups at all in the evening hours (or even that much during the day except my hubby) so it's nice to come here and go on and on...and on.......and on...LOL.. I"m glad you had a better day yesterday than the day before. Just a little hurdle and you overcame it with a vengeance! Proud of you! Hope today is a great day for you as well. Im sure we'll talk soon! xoAlison

[dominosarah]

Dont worry about the stars.  None of us really know how they work!!!  We are just glad you are here~~~~sara

[dede2121]

thanks for your prayers Alison. i love reading your posts. i am one of the ones who can say what i need to say in a couple of sentences. and also i get tired of typing.
i am doing very well except for yesterday. today was good. i managed to keep busy and it is back to work tomorrow. i really dont like my new job but it keeps me busy and i am just thankful to be working.

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Aw, dede! I love stuff like that. Little hints that you know you're loved and thought about. I included you in my prayers tonight. I am not a bible thumper or anything, I just want to thank God every night while I walk my lil chihuahua around the block in the freezing cold, lol, that I had another sober day, another happy day. And if it's a not so happy day, I say that I'd love it if I had a happy day tomorrow, and that a not so happy day is better than a really bad day, right? Then i always pray for anyone who is incarcerated or taken into police custody who has a drug problem and that resulted in them committing crimes to feed their habits. I in no way condone crime, but I just want to pray for them so they get the help they need; so that being arrested is a wake up call, their bottom, and they get help asap. I then go on to pray in general for anyone with an addiction, those who are the loved ones of someone who is addicted, as it hurts all people around the addicted person. I pray for those in wds. I pray for those with a relapse that happened, I pray for those who are tempted. I pray that those who are clean stay clean. I pray for anyone who is lost in addiction, who is in denial, those who cannot see they have a problem. basically anyone who is affected at all by an addiction in any way. Then I say my specific prayers...lol, I have to pray for people by their screen names here! But I pray for what they need I think. You guys are my friends, my peers. I love this place and i don't know what i'd do without it. Love you all **corny!** but I really do. I talk to you all more than my 'real' friends who are very busy. :( makes me sad, but what can I do..? i'm actually elated though to be able to stay home on a friday night and watch silly cartoon movies with my little guy. I'm happy where I'm at and I only pray that everyone can find the peace and clarity I now finally have. That's why my posts are so long - I want to say so much to everyone that I just go on and on...lol...but I want to get a point across, and personally, when I was going through bad times and I came here, I loved reading the long posts and appreciated the short ones but thought the long ones showed more concern and care I guess..maybe that's just me. Most people can put their thoughts into 1 or 2 sentences, but I can't!! I have to get every single last thought out! Ok, time to go and stop rambling. Have a great night Dede and anyone else who reads this. xoxo Alison

[dede2121]

ok i just noticed something. on my first post on this thread the time was 11:11. i read a book once about lacey peterson. her mother said anytime  you see the the time of 11:11 that means there is a guardian angel watching over you. isnt that strange in a time of need i had you all and my guardian angel.

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Thanks Bob...Sorry Dede! xo!! I'll take a look at that what you mentioned, just curious. LOL, my posts are always so long. But like i told someone, I'm at home every evening with a 2 year old and a dog..have to talk to someone even if it's just typing back and forth..otherwise I'd go bananas!!!

I was beginning to worry about you as I haven't heard from you in a while. How are you doing, really? Did you get my last response to the message you sent with your story? Thanks for sharing it by the way :) Hugs, hope to talk soon and hope you're doing good...elaborate on the doing pretty good part.

dede, how are you doing today? Start the journal yet? hugs girlfriend!!! sorry for highjacking your post, lol !!!! xoxo Alison

[dede2121]

you guys can chat in my thread anytime.
wantobe, you can have one of my stars. lol

[eyeofhorus2010]

Beg your pardon Dede,

Alison, starting at the top, scroll down while looking at the right side. You'll see a heading titled "top answerers" and it usually starts with DominoSarah, as you scroll further you will see "learn more about top answerers". I clicked on that and learned all I ever needed to know about the stars. Though I think they're awarded based on number of posts within' a certain time frame as opposed to length of post.

As for me, I'm doing pretty good. Just hanging out here and testing my theory by posting. lol.

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

...I still only have one star and I answer people like crazy - you know how long winded I am! ...how is it determined that you get another star? ...sorry Dede for taking over your thread and talking about stars..how are you doing today? Did you do the journal yet? I'm going to go pick one up tomorrow..Bob, tell me more about the stars! :)

[eyeofhorus2010]

The stars mean that you're becoming bright and shiney. The stars indicate that you are a top answerer. I got upgraded to 3 last night. Someday I may just get one of those pink flowers to go along with it.

[jeffclowns]

stars mean best answer and way to go dede good job on not giving in to that devil when he was knocking on your door...your friend ...jeff..

[Ballgame]

Glad you didn't.  With addicts we say I can do just one and be done. Doesn't work like that, it's the opposite. 1 brings you right back. Only takes one.

[dede2121]

i didnt realize i was getting stars. what do  they mean?

[hiskidd]

That's a big VICTORY AND a tremendous encouragement to us. I'm on day 25 free from oxy, and I've had the same kind of thoughts, "Well, now I can do once a week..." and stuff like that. This was a great post. You are living your life, temptations and all. God bless. David

[eyeofhorus2010]

Remember when the thought of doing all of the things you just listed seemed like such a chore? I do.  Now those simple things are the kinds of things I enjoy so much.  I also remember that if I did get roped into going out to dinner with people I would have to make sure that eating would land somewhere in the middle of my last dose of pills and the next one. Didn't want to ruin the effects of the pills don't ya know.

I see you've gained your third star too. Do you recall in the movie " It's a wonderful life" at the end the little girl says "look daddy, everytime a bell rings an addict gets a star" or something kind of like that. Lol.

Anyway, glad to hear you're still doing well and on the right track. Keep it up, and as always, you're in my thoughts everyday.

[dede2121]

oh eye, lol. dont get me started on that one.

i am feeling better now. i went and got my hair cut. i have been cutting it myself for the past couple of years. it's time someone straightened it out. then i went to target. now i am home and going to get ready to go to a meeting tonight. then off to eat pizza with my ex and his nephew. all that will keep me busy tonight. then i am off work tomorrow. what will i do. but i wont think about that now, i will think about that tomorrow as Scarlett O would say.

[eyeofhorus2010]

Good for you Dede, the six week mark was always my downfall in the past. I've managed to push through this time with a little help from Medhelp. I've always got my phone with me so it's pretty easy to get hear and do some reading to help remind me of what I went through and what I've still yet to conquer. I get cravings, but now when I get them I reach for Medhelp instead of pills.

And you know?, it certainly is strange that the cravings right now are at their strongest when I'm feeling unsually happy and energetic. Like you say, I feel so good wouldn't I feel even better with a few pills. I look forward to the day I no longer associate feeling good with pills. Feeling good should stand on its own.

And you definitely need to get a second job, afterall, there are millions of people on welfare depending on you. LOL. (i saw a bumper sticker that said something like this and thought it was pretty funny)

[dede2121]

thanks to you all for responding so quickly. it makes me feel so much better to have someone who will listen and understand.

wantobe, that is a good idea to carry a notepad. i really think my biggest issue is that i get bored. of course when this thought hit this time i was out and about. so carrying a notepad with me might be a good idea. that way i can write down what i was thinking at that moment and where the thought came from. my memory s*cks anyway. i need to write alot of things down. lol

[ImDONENoMore]

That is a great idea about having a journal handy to write things down in those moments.  A really great idea.  Thank you!  :)

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Girl!! I know all too well how F**king sneaky this damn thing is. Just one, who's it going to hurt? ...we know the answer and outcome to that. Props to you for overcoming that...it's so hard to get through those moments and I am so thankful you did it, well done!! Every time I relapsed in the past was because of one sneaky thought like the one you had..next thing I know I'm back in full blown addiction. And my group therapy leader from last year was right - every time you relapse, you hit harder and faster back to where you don't want to be..the bottom slams up against you and you're blindsided..not fun.

This is just a shot in the dark and thinking out loud, but did you ever consider carrying a little notebook with you and writing down where/when etc., when you get these cravings or thoughts? Maybe then you can trace them and figure out what's triggering you?? Chances are this may just be the addiction trying to squirm back in and maybe there's not a particular trigger. But even if you just jot down exactly what you're feeling the moment this happens you can see if there's a pattern or even just writing it down will help you realize that this craving or whatever you call it is going to pass..just writing it down will help you focus on the fact that you're having a 'moment' and will help steer you back to reality. Like I said, that's just an idea to help keep you safe. Good thing you were able to come home and come here, but just in case you cannot come right home and to medhelp, try keeping a notepad with you to get out what you need to say and what you're feeling and to banish those bad thoughts.. just an idea :) I may actually start doing it myself!

But at any rate, I'm so so so so happy that you didn't cave. The rationalization tactics we have are still there after the addiction is tucked away and we can be our own worst enemy, huh? But let's not focus on that. Just move forward like you decided to do and not dwell on that thought of relapse. Just so thrilled that you overcame it, that's a big thing! God knows I've caved on several occasions and I guess this goes to show that even though we're good and happy and settled our addictions down and go to meetings or therapy that this lil B*STARD is never fully gone. Good for you Dede, I'm so proud of you, this is a big thing! Go you! ..and thank God for medhelp, right!!?

[ImDONENoMore]

Good for you!  Now stay busy.  Nasty little disease, addiction.  Just when you think you're going along just fine, BAM it hits.  The craving.  And then what?

Well, from what I've experienced and what I've learned, I do exactly what you just did.  You PLOW through it, you ignore those little feelings with everything you've got, and you GET BUSY.  Just think of all the things that are now getting done that maybe you would have ignored if you were high.  Relish the feeling of pride that comes from those accomplishments now, no matter how small.  I used to feel good just emptying the dishwasher for goodness sake how crazy is that?  But crazy good.

Proud of you.  Hang in there - they say cravings last on average about 30 minutes (I used to think this was 9 minutes but after further research, the overall avg was 30 mins.)  So just get through this time by doing what you're doing.  I'm so so proud of you for coming home instead and then coming here.  That says a lot about how your coping skills have changed.  It used to be a pill for me, so now I vent.  And talk.  And I feel a hell of a lot better after that than I ever did after using.

Yay for you!  :)

[dominosarah]

Way to go on getting thru this one!!!  This addiction is so sly and cunning and will attack you when you least expect it.  Am glad you got home safely and came on here.  Get busy and clean away, turn on the music and sing loud!!!        sara