Any Advice PLEASE

[Shelle822]

The guy I am dating (living with) stopped taking lortabs almost 4 weeks ago.  He told me ahead of time that this was going to be hard not just on him but on me too.  He has always taken them (up to 90 in 3 days) to hide from his emotions of his divorce.  He didn't how to deal with it so it was easier to suppress it.  Now, before he decided to stop, he told me that he loved me and he had to do this because he didn't want to hurt me anymore.  He wanted us to be able to have a good life.  Now, that we are almost 4 weeks into, he hasn't told me he love me since last week and he says he just needs space right now.  Should I trust what he said or was it just the pills?  Should I give him his space and see where things go?  I really love this man and want to help him in any way that I can, just don't know what to do.  He said its not me, its him and that he is just angry.  Any Advice PLEASE.  I won't give up on him!!!

[NautyOne]

First of all ,  I want to stress that this is just my personal opinion.......

I think it's noble that you say you are willing to stand by him for eternity, but the reason he may be different is because He is not on Drugs!...If you have never known him off the drugs then there is a chance you don't know him at all, and that's why you feel confused about his feelings.  

I would never be involved with an addict EVER AGAIN.....once an addict ...always an addict and it is too much work to love one.  Most likely you will face future relapses with him, lose trust, spend countless wondering if he is high or not, and its not worth it.  Addicts lie like hel! and can't be trusted....Ever!  You may very likely end up being his mother rather than a girlfriend or wife.......its just sooo not worth it.  I speak from experience and from experiences from others.  You sound like a very nice girl with little knowledge of addiction.  This man will most likely bring you down an strip you of your kindness and what you deserve.  Let him go.......Run!!!!!

Luv,
Nauty..............

[Shelle822]

Good Morning,

Can you please read my current post and advise me?  I am so confused.

[Shelle822]

Thank you.  I don't really think he is cheating. I guess its just a fear for me.

[refusingbondage]

While I know your in pain and you have many suspicions, I would say now way definitely don't do that.  It might really anger him and push him away further.  If you truly suspect him of cheating, then you should confront him.  Tell him you are uncomfortable with his relationships with these girls and while you know he is going through a lot and you are 100% willing to support him in his recovery, that does not give him a green light to act like an a*ss-hole.

[Shelle822]

I also have another question for anyone.  Because we all know there is trust issues in situations like this.  To protect myself, should I record phone calls.  If anyone thinks so, any ideas on how to do that discreetly?

[Shelle822]

Thank you so much.  I really hope I reap the reward 100 fold.  He told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, I just hope at that time it wasn't just the pills talking.  I truly want to stick with him through this but it is so much harder than I ever imagined.  So, my new philosophy I guess is just take it one day at a time.

Thanks for all the support.  It means the world to me.

[Shelle822]

Thank you very much.  I am trying my best.  I can handle a lot.  I guess more than anything I am scared of infidelity, which he swears he wouldn't do but since he is talking to the others so much.  It is still something that crosses my mind.  I know that the pills cross his mind all the time.  I guess all I can do is pray for the best.  But I was also in a marriage where I trusted whole heartedly and was cheated on the whole time.  So, while I will stand by his side because I love him, I can't turn my head and be nieve either.  This site is really helping me though.  Alot of good information.

Thanks, Shelle

[sway1]

the addiction demon keeps one claw hanging on to us always. if he gets a second claw in, like if we sneak a pill here or there thinking it will be harmless, this too can make us moody and angry. i hope this is not the case, but keep your senses. the demon does not like to be thwarted. that said, 30 days is awesome! guys are usually not the crying types. so emotional detatchment is probably just a temporary snag. i cried all the time as if my best friend died or something. feeling again takes alot of getting used to. some misdirected anger and self loathing are to be expected. he is fortunate to have you by his side. i relapsed many times with the rationalization that my loved ones were tired of waiting for me to be my old self again, only to have to start the process all over again. the sself loathing getting worse each time. your patience and some thick skin is probably the best medicine right now. i wish you all the best. sway

[refusingbondage]

You can talk to us anytime!  I was on this site a LOT in the first few months after detox back in 2008.. and he went through all the things you are feeling too.. he felt very lonely during that time.  He was curious as to who I was talking to and why I was on the computer so much.. Its very parallel to what you are experiencing.  I am STRONGLY suggesting that he seek some intensive therapy with a addiction specialist.  That is where I ran into a brick wall in my recovery.. I didnt want to put the effort in and my partner is strongly against any type of thearpy (differnet story for a different day).. but your guy could really really benefit from it.  He has to deal with the divorce issues.  He has to deal with the hurt.  He has to deal with the self hate he feels.  IT would be SOOO good for him and ultimately for YOU.  You should suggest it.  Also meetings too!  And maybe an Alanon meeting for yourself.. You may even tell him to come here, to this site... so he can see that what he is experienceing is indeed normal and he will make it past it.  Hang in there hon.  

[KiaKaha]

Hi! My hubby's Day 8 clean from methadone.  He's still experiencing some physical withdrawals but he says the mental stuff is harder. He's spending alot of time sitting outside reading and smoking cigarettes... not chatting... which I find hard cos I love to chat! But he's going to some AA/NA meetings where he gets to talk about all the mental stuff with people who can relate. He's definitely a bit irritable.
Try not and take it personally though hun...although I know it's hard...just be there for him, maybe suggest he go to a meeting ...when his head clears and the good feelings come back you'll reap the rewards 100 fold!  Well that's what I'm holding on too!!!Keep us posted hun :o)

[Shelle822]

Thank you very much.  Right now is close to that 30 day mark and the last week or so has been hell.  He says its not me that he is just going through a self beating up process because he is just hating himself right now.  I do love him so I don't plan on giving up on him.  It is just really hard though because I am the one who he takes his anger out on.  I know he is talking on the computer to old friends (girls) and I don't know whether to let it bother me right now or just let it go because of the situation.  He doesn't go anywhere so I know he's not cheating, they are just talking about his problems and stuff so I guess its just good that he has someone to talk to. I don't care that he talks to them, it just bothers me because he is so secretive about it.  Well, like I said its been almost 30 days so hopefully things will get better soon.  He is just having a really hard time dealing with suppressed anger and hurt from his marriage because this is the first time hes had to deal with it before it was always suppressed with pills.  Hopefully things will get better for us the way they did for you.  Again, thank you so much.  It's nice just to be able to blab sometimes.

[refusingbondage]

Hi there.  Kudos to you for sticking by him.  Here is my take from the other side of this.  I am an addict.  I know first hand that detox is HARD in a million ways.. physically and mentally.  After the physical improves, the mental starts in.  Depression is highly common.  Dysphoria.  You cannot feel happy.  Your brain is all messed up because its use to fake happiness from the pills and it forgets how to make its own endorphins - happy chemicals.  Eventually this gets better.  It takes a long time to heal though.  Regretably I was the EXACT same way as your man.  I pushed my guy away.  I felt I didnt love him (or anyone for that matter).  He stuck with me.  He did some research on his own (like you are now) and realized it was all part of the process.  I almost threw away a 10 year relationship around my 30 day mark.. and when I say almost I mean I *tried* but he held on and he was patient and I am glad he was.. At some point the miserable, un attached, un loving and depressed feelings went away.  When the dust settled I was glad to see he stuck around.

I can't obviously guarantee this is the case, but its very possible. .. addiction is a not just physical but a lot mental.  Therapy could help him a lot.  If you love him, stick by him.  Try to show him you are there for him and will give him space and support him in his recovery.  You seem like a great girlfriend and I commend you -- its HARD to love an addict.