the end of endings.

[roxico_DONE]

Its not a question as much as a confession.   For three years i have more now than ever had an addiction, which owns my soul,  which claims its stake in every waking moment. which creates pain that i never had before i was so unexpectedly placed in its cold hands to use me to its disposal,  I am not myself anymore.  I used to be an outgoing, outspoken.  expressive musician.  who always had a good idea, always had some way of keeping my family happy.  My prescense now is less wanted. My ideas involve this:  How much can I hustle with my check this week. and when im outta money. how many pounds of weed can i move to pay for my habit.  Felony after felony.  To feed the gander, to take risk, to feed the gander. im on a wall where i make stupid moves to make my fix.  sometimes 3 to 4 TIMES A DAY. SOMETIMES 10 TO 20.  i spend major bill  money when the dope well runs dry.  so come time to pay the lights. im fighting a lion to make the ends meet.  i feel so irresponsible and neglective, but i cant stop.  if theres a ranking list of addicts i feel like i take the cake. i dont rob and steal, but i kno if i have my last 25 dollars and i neeed survival.  i choose my pill.  I hate myself in a new way im nothing likr i used to be they have taken the life from me. ti feel so trapped i feel like commiting suicide to end the pain, to end the turmoil ive created in evrything i love.  i feel like the scum the world is better off without, and nothing.. I MEAN NOTHING has ever done this to me.  its driving me mad.. should i feel so pathetic and guilty?

[refusingbondage]

Worried!  Ive been trying and trying and trying to message you or note you and it never goes through.. Hope your well and ok.  Think about you often! xoxox

[worried878]

I got alot out of ur post as well..like refusing/btw/hi rfb....it reminded me of me...selfish but it did
Seems like from ur post..u r a strong person in every arena of life...and when sumpin like a lil pill controls u..it makes u feel a bit stupid!  Join the crowd..u r not alone
Fact that this is really eating ur craw is a good thing tho..it should be by all logic
question is..what to do next....??  a life lived with sumpin controlling me and eating up every extra cent plus alot of unextra cents...was killing me!  Made me feel like a dumb bu11!   a fool...and I am not a fool so i woulda been at odds with myself for the rest of my life which is no way to live a life..we only live it once
Being at peace with urself and ur life means alot....it is a feeling of control..and it can mean the difference between living in turmoil over which bill to pay or not pay....or living in peace knowing I did the best I could
keep posting

[Ali1226172]

Welcome roxico first things first....stop everything you are doing right now and take a DEEP BREATH!  Now, you need to relax and stop beating yourself up about this, and more importantly you need to stop thinking that death is the answer.  I understand how you feel I truly do!! I was in your EXCAT postion just a few weeks ago!  Nothing matter to me excpet how I was going to get the money for my next blu, and where I was getting my next blue.  I was up to a 500 dollar habit a week, and my weekly checks are below 300.  Yet still somehow I was getting those pills, whether it meant selling my belongings, getting pills spotted to me, and so on!!  My thoughts were literally being controlled by my addiction.  My every move was centered around a little blue pill!!  I hated myself, and still am having trouble coming to terms with the mistakes I have made.  I like you did not steal from anyone either but, the way I was going I can't say that it wasn't the next thing to do.  Luckily, I took this awful feeling I felt of guilt and shame and used it as FUEL TO FIGHT BACK AGAINST THIS ADDICTION!  You are not the person that you are right now, you are just a puppet on the strings of your addiction!! So cut the strings and fight back dude!  You are worth a good life, you are worth getting that person back that you use to be!! We as addicts do bad things but that does not mean that we are bad people, is does NOT!  This is your wake up call, this is your chance to join us in the fight and, get your life back man.  Please do not do anything stupid, your life is worth living and we are all here to support you.  Each of us have been where you are, or are where you are.  You are not alone.... today is a day where you have the choice to stop this endless cycle before it gets even worse!! Good luck, we are all here for you

[refusingbondage]

Your post really grabbed me.  You are at a bottom.  You have 2 choices: continue or dont continue.  Do you want out?  Do you want your life back?  If you do then you can certainly feel and taste the freedom of being out of the he11 of active addictive addiction.

Suicide is not the answer.  I have 2 friends who walked hand in hand into an oncoming train years ago.  They were at the very same bottom you are at now.  They were hooked on heroin and thought there was no way out.  God do I think all the time how much I WISH they would have chosen rehab instead of those train tracks.  I know other people from our same group who DID chose rehab and got help and are now working a program and happy and living their lives in freedom.

Fighting your addiction is one of the hardest things you will ever do.  But many have and many many win. You are certainly not alone in this.  Read this forum.  Look at all the people here who have been in your shoes.  Seek out some help. Its out there if you want it.

  

[dominosarah]

Please come back and talk to us......sara

[Zenpariah]

Hey man,

First off!  Killing yourself will not help!! Ok so, you got yourself in a position where now you're up against a wall...the good news is, there's a door right there you can walk through to get help!!

Does your family know the ins and outs of your addictions?  If so, hopefully they'd be supportive of you going in for rehab.  REHAB...an ugly word...but that's ok....it'll help!  Dude, if you weren't seriously looking for answers you wouldn't have posted here....so with that in mind....take the first step..be true to yourself and get HELP!!  think of it like this...there's more shame in teh hustle than there is in getting the help...to admit that you're HELPLESS and you need assistance...there's nothing wrong in admitting you need help, support a plan, etc!

Please man, no matter WHAT you do, don't waste yourself....like veryone else says, life IS beautiful!  And it really CAN be beautiful again!

[10356]

Hello roxico_DONE and welcome to the forum.. sara is right you have found the right place. The vicious cycle of addiction blots out any joy our hope and drops us into a pit of despair.. but suicide is not the answer.. tomorrow is another day.. It is in you to change where you are at in your head.. I'm not saying it is a easy climb but I can tell you it is worth it... The hustle of drugs is as addictive as the drugs themselves.. we forget what brings us joy contentment as we are stuck in a cycle.. You can break this cycle.. it is within you.. Our brains are very powerful and we do have some control on how we think.. we also can control out attitude.. it is amazing the difference when we lift ourselves from the pit.. You are worth living of happiness.. you have peps that love you.. it all starts with one step.. a commitment.. You are here so I can only come to the conclusion you are reaching out for help.. we will all behind you and support you but you are the one that has to want to change your life.. I can imagen you are weary.. Have you hit your bottom ? I hope this is as far as it goes.. my little brother committed suicide and the pain has never healed.. in our addiction we are so self involved we forget that others love us that they care... stop what you are doing.. it will not be easy and you will go through some hell mood swings but at the same time you will notice a beautiful sunset you will be able to hear the birds sing.. we were not put on this earth to live in misery.. I hope you stay I pray you rethink what you are contemplating and I pray you except our support.. I'm clean a year and a half after 4 decades of addiction Heroin my first love.. I understand the hustle... You can reclaim your life... You can be Happy again. and you can love again.. addiction is a thief do not let her rip you off anymore.. read the forum. gain strength from others that have gone on before you.. offer support to those you identify with.. you will be surprised of the benefits of just these steps.. If you ever need to talk Please feel free to pm me ok.. warm hugs lesa

[Ella789]

Life can be better for you.  See an addiction specialist,  one who can start you on sub for awhile to get you past this hell you are walking thru.   Get some help now,  any way you can,  but suicide is not the answer.  Life can be good again,  it really can,  go get the help even if you have yourself commited it is better than chooseing to die.    Before long you will be so glad you didn't choose the end of life.  Call your mental health center ask for help,  someone somewhere can help you !  So many of us have felt the way you are right now,   hopeless and lost,  it does not have to be like that.  Please,  search for some help,  mental health center (services)  or perhaps hospitals can give you some numbers to call for help for those who can't pay.  I hope others will come on here to tell you more info on who you can call for help.
God bless

Ella

[witsend0603]

Well, as sara said .. you will find an overwhelming amount of support and may I add non judgement here... we are all in the same boat and trying to stay afloat.... suicide is never the answer... your life is worth more than this.. everyones is.... and by posting to begin with that shows you are reaching out for someone... keep reaching we are here to help whoever may need it....and may I add.. you will find if you stick around that first response you got is the greatest lady here to help hold you up when you need it most.... she is a total rock

[dominosarah]

Hi....I am glad you posted.  You have come to the right place.  We understand what you are feeling and we will be here to support you.  There is a way out of this and that is getting clean.  You are important and worth fighting for.  Suicide is not the answer.  Please keep talking with us.....sara