9 Days Opiate Free - learning to "FEEL" again!

[brightersideoflife]

I went C/T after a 3 year run with Tramadol and Norco, on 12/15/14. I was taking about 60 Norco and 180 Tramadol 50mg in a 3 week period. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at the age of 20 and after many years of handling it properly the pain got the better of me and an addict was born. I just did NOT want to feel the daily pain any longer and Tramadol did that for me at first. Then it wasn't enough and I was using Norco for break through pain. Then I was using both medications in a manner that left me running out early and searching for more. Then in the fall of 2013 my oldest nephew died due to an accidental overdose and I handled the extremely difficult time by downing my pills and living the tragedy in a fog. That I believe is when I made the first conscious decision to use the meds for emotional reasons not just physical. So my question is this:

Has anyone who handled a tragedy while high on opiates ever been stricken with over whelming grief and guilt about the tragedy, once they were sober? Yesterday was a very hard day for me emotionally because a song that my daughter sang at his funeral came on the radio and I was sent reeling into heart wrenching grief over his death, as if he had just passed all over again. In fact, it hurt more. However, I was ok with the grief and the crying and the emotional mess that I was yesterday because I felt like I was learning to "feel" for myself again. Has anyone ever had that feeling? The feeling like you are learning to be you and to feel, all over again?

Thanks and have a Beautiful and Merry Christmas!

God Bless!

[brightersideoflife]

Thank you for your reply! I am glad to hear that I am not alone - all though that makes me feel bad that anyone else had to go through the same pains. It really is a learning experience isn't it? I'm learning so much about myself and my abilities, as well as my limitations, and Im liking who is rising from the ashes of addiction!

Have a very Merry Christmas!!!!

[brightersideoflife]

Thank you for your reply and I am so very sorry for your loss! It is so hard to handle the guilt of allowing myself to become addicted and then to be blind sided by the overwhelming feeling of losing my nephew again - it is hard to handle at times. Shortly after we lost him his girlfriend lost his son and his daughter to the State and we went an entire year without seeing them. It has been horrific and facing it now without the slow numb sensation of the opiates is very scary. However, I feel I need this in order to rebuild and live again. It is all a learning process from here I believe.

On a lighter note my name stems from my relationship with my husband. We have been part of one anothers lives for 23 years. He was at my wedding to my first husband and was at the hospital when my ex-husband and I had our daughter and then again for our son. After my ex-husband left us for a co-worker I was devastated. 3 years later I started dating my now husband - we had an amazing friendship that grew into this awesome love and he has always known my children and loves them like his own. We now have 2 of our own as well :) When he and I started dating I said I turned the corner and saw the brighter side of life and breaking my addiction - well, I feel I have done that again!!

God Bless you and your family Robin and I will be saying prayers for strength and healing for your loss.

Merry Christmas!

[weaver71]

Yep, most of us go through something similar. I thought it felt like being a teen again. I had to learn when I could explode with feelings, when I needed to try to hold off and feel it more later, and many feelings I hadn't felt yet, I got the chance to feel them after detox, good and bad. I didn't just have to learn how to feel again, but think, act, rest, play, it was like being born again. You are doing awesome, to share what was told to me in early recovery, congrats on feeling again.

[NeverAgain127]

Love your username!  Is it a quote from "Life of Brian?"

Yes, I can relate to exactly what you are going thru.   I lost my cousin/sister (we were cousins, but very close and referred to each other as sisters) on 9/21/13.  

She was an alcoholic with advanced liver disease and she died at 48.  I was still taking the opiates then, and I went through the grieving process...I THOUGHT.  

Now that I'm sober, OMG, it's like she just died.   I've been thinking a lot about her.   Two days ago I found out that the guy she'd been living with (another active alcoholic who enabled her addiction) has just died also.

Addiction wants us dead.  I'm convinced of that.  But to get back to your question...yes, I think a lot of emotions get put on hold when we're on opiates.  How can we truly feel when we're all numbed up?  

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas sweetie...I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  God Bless.

Hugs
-Robin