just need some help

[SoulSearchr]

This is kind of hard for me. I've never done this before, but I've been reading all the comments and postings left by people and they all seem very helpful. I'm actually a little nervous that no one will even read this or worse yet no one will respond. i am trying to quit using oxy's and methadone. i am currently in an outpatient program and find it really helpful, the problem is me and myself when I am bored, lonely, depressed and anxious, which unfortunately has been very often the past few days. i am isolating myself from all my friends and not going to my group and i really want to stop. It has been really hard for me to just accept the fact that i am an addict but it becomes more real the harder and harder it becomes to stay clean. I had 3 and a half months under my belt- which unfortunately is the longest I have been completely clean in over 15 years and i'm not even 30. i guess my problem is i just don't understand why this is SO hard for me. I love my group and really find it a safe haven, but now i am dreading going back because i will have to admit my relapse and take a drug test, i feel like i will be disappointing so many people, especially myself. I'm not really sure what I am asking of anyone, maybe just some advice on how others stay clean. I'm not big on NA meetings, not because i don't think they work, i just need a more intimate environment b/c I have bad anxiety speaking infront of people. writing this is actually giving me anxiety, but i came across this site by accident so i figure it must be a sign and i should give it a try. I think i'm rambling now but i'm trying to give an overall picture of myself.   I'm really worried about going back to my group and i don't feel like i can tell any of my friends b/c they will be so upset, i just feel so lost and confused. However, I do have a lot going for me in the rest of my life, I'm finishing graduate school, have a great family and am in love. From the outside my life is ideal, but on the inside i am miserable, i have no self-esteem, and feel hopeless. I'm not expecting any "quick fixes" but maybe somebody has some advice or feels the same way- or can just offer their own experiences. I didn't mean to go on like this, but once i started i couldn't stop.

[swtbreezie]

Hi and the hardest times is in the night when no one is around.  BUT keep coming here and posting it is what saved me.  So many here care and will be here when you have no one to talk to.  I am visiting my Fiancee right now, but when I get back I am on till late, right now when he gets off work my time is his time.  BUT lots are here to answer questions or just to talk.   Maybe have your love come over to keep you company

newmanagement, you are doing GREAT sweetie, I havent been around much but I do check posts.  I am pulling for you and for soul.  KEEP on keeping on do what works and work it as some say on here.
God Bless
swtbreezie

[newmanagment]

my problem is me as well. our minds will play tricks to get the drugs we want. dont worry about the relapse, its what we do with them that counts. feel proud when you tell your group, feel proud you are there to tell them!! very easy to not go back and continue to use, but you are showing your strong by getting in there and sharing. best of luck and keep ya chin up...

[SoulSearchr]

Thanks guys, it really does help, hearing from everyone else. I know I definitely have to go back to my group, b/c  it really does help me, and it offers me something to do with my time. but i hate the fact that i have to tell them i relapsed again. I have a lot of issues that have lead me to use over the years, but a lot of it also comes from boredom, when i have idle time, my brain is my worst enemy, i plot ad rationalize continuously. I wish i could pinpoint what fueled this relapse, but nothing has really been bad, or sticks out that i am aware of yet. sometimes i think i might be sabotaging myself when things are going well. I have been kind of depressed lately and have been really anxious but i don't know if that's b/c i used or was thinkining about using or thats why i relapsed. i just know that right now i feel like i'm sinking and i would rather be high than feel like me. and to top it off when i feel like this i can't sleep or eat, and  i cant afford to lose any weight or sleep. i really just wish i could find something that works for me, so far just hearing back from people is what gets me by. I'm not very religious and i try not to go out and i avoid situations that could be dangerous, but my problem is ME. I really do want to stop though, before it's too late and i lose all the important things i my life. sorry i was rambling again, i think i'm a little shot from not sleeping. i really do find the feedback helpful though so please if you can continue with any thing you think will be helpful.    

[Chi_Chi_Lover]

I have no experience with Methadone but there are several in here that do and will be here for you this morning.
Pills were my thing for many years. I can tell you that the drugs are causing your low self esteem and the reason you are withdrawing from friends, group etc. Your addiction wants you all to itself and I'm speaking from experience.
You said you had 3.5 months clean under your belt. That really isn't enough time for your body and brain to have healed. I have a year under my belt and it took me 6 months to even see any light at the end of the tunnel to see any joy or hope or have energy without my pills so I still have to put a lot more time between myself and the pills...And sleep, well it takes time being clean for it to return too. Again, a year later and I didn't sleep a wink last night. But I can tell you that there is joy, peace, energy, some sleep LOL and a freedom that you will never experience on the drugs.
I also realize you are young and want to have energy, self esteem and feel like going out and being with your friends. It has taken me many, many months (I'm a lot older than you) to feel good about myself without the pills and to want to socialize but it's all coming back only in a much better way. I don't have to pop a handful of pills to have a good time.
You are right, there are NO QUICK FIXES to addiction, Being clean and free from this addiction is something only YOU can want and receive.
I'm not the most religious person I found the strength within myself and I know you can too.
Peace and this forum is a blessing to me and I hope it will be to you.
Chi Chi

[jenny8575309]

Hi Soul,

Do you pray?  I used to feel miserable, yucky every minute of every day.  I'd find myself constantly looking forward to something else, (going home when I'm at work for example)  then not being happy when that time came.  I was just killing time basically.  Every thing sucked.  But then I got clean, I started going to NA.  I didn't talk at first, I just listened, and I still don't talk alot.  I got a sponsor and started working the steps and praying every day and writing in my journal.  I started trying new behaviors, and asking for forgivness when I did something wrong.  I want to please Him today.  The biggest thing that happened to me was when I took a suggestion made by my sponsor, and got on my knees and told God I was seeking Him.  I felt an electric feeling move through me, He was telling me He was there.  I can't believe I'm preaching, but I'm really happy He is in my life.  I smile and laugh, and walk with a pep in my step all the time now.  It's easy to have pride when you feel like your better than someone else, but having a pride that comes from KNOWING that God is there, it something else.  Prayer, working the steps, and being honest work for me.  Your group will understand, many of them have probably relapses also.  Have you read the basic text relapse and recovery chapter?

[jenny8575309]

Hi Soul,

Do you pray?  I used to feel miserable, yucky every minute of every day.  I'd find myself constantly looking forward to something else, (going home when I'm at work for example)  then not being happy when that time came.  I was just killing time basically.  Every thing sucked.  But then I got clean, I started going to NA.  I didn't talk at first, I just listened, and I still don't talk alot.  I got a sponsor and started working the steps and praying every day and writing in my journal.  I started trying new behaviors, and asking for forgivness when I did something wrong.  I want to please Him today.  The biggest thing that happened to me was when I took a suggestion made by my sponsor, and got on my knees and told God I was seeking Him.  I felt an electric feeling move through me, He was telling me He was there.  I can't believe I'm preaching, but I'm really happy He is in my life.  I smile and laugh, and walk with a pep in my step all the time now.  It's easy to have pride when you feel like your better than someone else, but having a pride that comes from KNOWING that God is there, it something else.  Prayer, working the steps, and being honest work for me.  Your group will understand, many of them have probably relapses also.  Have you read the basic text relapse and recovery chapter?

[flmagi]

Welcome to the forum. Most people do relapse and some people relapse many, many times. It's part of the addiction. If it was really easy to quit, boom, just stop, I guess they wouldn't call it addiction. So instead of dwelling on the guilt and shame of relapse, you need to start asking yourself, Why did you relapse? Get back to your group and start asking questions. Also this forum is a great place to do that. Keep posting and spilling your guts. Eventually you will come accross some insight to why you're haveing a hard time.  So tell us about this relapse. What was happening in your life emotionally? How did you get ahold of your doc (drug of choice)? Are you still hanging with people that use? Was it a temporary slip up or are you still useing?
Keep posting, we're here to help.
Magi

[troubleinohio]

Im so glad you found this forum. It may change your life, it may save your life. The people in this place have helped so many people its amazing. I hope you stick around and read and post as much as you can. Im glad you do have alot of positives in your life to work with. The more positivity you have as a base to start with it, the better your chances are of a successful cessation of drug usage. Keep reading and posting, please! The help you will find here will amaze you.

[SoulSearchr]

thanks though i appreciate it

[SoulSearchr]

I can never fall asleep, which of course only adds to the problem...

[Bossman80]

I understand addiction, however I'm not too familiar with the Methadone, so I cant answer.  Hang tight...like GoingtoMakeit said....this place runs rampant in the a.m., so help should be on the way......I think everyone is sleeping right now....unless you have insomnia (like me).  

[GoingToMakeIt]

It is getting late and the forum is slow right now. You sound like you need some counseling to get at the root of why you feel you need to use.
You may get some more answers tonight but be sure and re-post on this one in the morning. This place is quite busy all day long. You will get the answers you need. I am off to bed. See you in the AM.