been away awhile

[bethinime]

Some of you may remember my posting from a few weeks ago as I was coming off of Suboxone. Im afraid to say, it got the best of me. Maybe the timing wasnt the best (and I sincerely hope that is what it was). My husband lost his contract with the state unexpectedly due to the economy and I just have way to much stress in my life right now. Although I am back on the subs its is the smallest amount possible and I pray to keep it that way. I am limiting myself taking it to once every one or two days and less then 2mg.

Here is what happened and what caused my cave and maybe this can be a warning to others who are trying to come off. I think I was a little passed my 2 week mark and still had 0 energy. I went to the health food store and they recommended some "Fireball Liquid Fusion" for energy. Took them as directed and that night my RLS was insane. The worst ever. So I caved that night and took a crumb of sub to take the edge off. Next day I planned to get back on the wagon and did good for a few days then had a 48 hour no sleep bout. I have a 3 year old, 3 dogs, 2 cats and no hubby to help because he is wrapped up in getting a new business up and going and some money coming into the house before we lose everything. I was a zombie. Once again took a crumb and was finally able to be productive. Took another few day breather and took some again (dont rember the reason this time) Fast forward a few days later and I was sick as a dog...puking my guts out. Im thinking maybe becauseof the sporatic use of the sub? Dont know but after about the 10th puke in less then an hour my husband broke off a sub piece for me and within 40 minutes I was fine. Its crazy. I dont plan to be on but for a couple of more months (just get through this hardperiod we are in) and plan to try getting off again. Im at my wits end with these subs. As I am sure all of us can relate I can checkout of life for so long. There are baths to give, laundry to be done, house to clean, bills to pay,phone calls to be made etc etc and just cleaning myself up was still a chore.

As much as I wish this post was one of yay! I did it. Im back again...not quite at where I started but back again and it really pisses me off that I feel so out of control getting myself back on track. I just cant take weeks and months of 0 energy and insomnia. So back to square one I go. Never been prouder.

[bethinime]

Hey Steve I just sent you a message. Looks like I am going to need all the help I can get. Im apparantly not as strong as I had hoped.

ginsa thanks for sharing that with me. I will remember that one and try not to beat myself up so much.

Part of me starting thinking today "so what if I stay on a small amount of subs forever..and then I thought better and dont want to start thinking like that..then I will never get off of them. Today I havent had any and dont plan to take any. I am only planning to take small crumbs when I start feeling crappy and hope to keep it that way until I am ready to try to get off entirely again and maybe it will be easier. I hate myself for getting past the worst part for nada!

[sw9281]

Beth - hello - I was wondering where you went, Hoping you fell on the other side of the fence. I am now on day 37 off subs and feel ok but still have that chemistry war going on in my brain.

Relapse is part of the process, and you are still in a good place. Just dont go backwards from here. We have spoken before and believe me if I can do it anyone can do it. You need help from your family to take some of the pressure with the kids off you for about a month. I hope you can reach out as this will take so much of the stress away from you.

Start your taper period once you feel stable on the Subs. Taking subs for a week or two as long as you do not increase dosages probably will stabilize your brain and let you think straight. When you are ready do another documented taper program as I have outlined so many times. My Pain Dr told me he never saw anyone do what I did in the detail of keeping track so I suspect not many are hearing me. (IF you PM me I will share the schedule with you if you want)

Lastly you now know first hand how your w/d id going to play out. You know what is going to happen the next time you reach zero subs. I would go to your doctor and ask him to assist you with a plan of attack to handle the w/d symptoms for the next go around. You may need a short term tranquilizer like ativan or valium to make it thru the worst of days.

I did the valium and also cheated a couple of times with Jack Daniels to take the pressure off during the worst days (not a recommendation, just what I did).

The financial stuff is going to be there whether you are successful or not, so you may as well be successful. I have not worked in a year and my wife just got her hours and benefits cut. I know the stress of financial uncertaintly.

To summarize do not beat yourself up, you have just delayed your recovery by a few weeks. And better prepare yourself for the w/d that you will go thru again with proper advice from this board or a doctor - not a sales guy at gnc. You now know exactly what to exept use that 1st hand education.

Goood luck and you are ok - just move forward   Steve

[ginsa]

Hey there... don't beat yourself up over a relapse. It's part of recovery. I love what someone else on this forum has said about a bit of relapse, " you just hit a bump ", but it doesn't have to take you off of the road! Hang in there. You havn't given up, and you will succeed if you want to.

[refusingbondage]

I wish it wasn't hard either.. Seems like as addicts we have NO CLUE how to deal with stress.. I swear sometimes I drive myself crazy thinking about how 'normal' people do this.. But they do. We have to learn to cope and adjust to living life clean -- not an easy thing to do once you've been checked out for a while.. One day at a time though..

[bethinime]

Thanks girlie! I have just really been beating myself up...I was through the worst. Thanks for the encouragement. Your right..it could have been worse and I am almost grateful money is tight because with all the stress the temptation for the real pills was getting harder and harder so maybe its a blessing I went back on or else I might have been right back where I started 2 years ago. I just wish this wasnt soooo hard. Thanks again for all of your support.

[refusingbondage]

Hey girl.  I was literally JUST wondering about you.  Sorry to hear all that happened.  No doubt its a struggle and I truly understand. Not the worst thing that could have happened though. Your still at small amounts and preparing yourself for trying again in a few months. Dont be so hard on yourself.  There are far worse relapses you could have had right?  So just think of yourself as still in maintenance.. try to keep it to a tiny small minimal amount and gear up for the next rodeo.. Glad to see you back posting.  Take care and stay proud!