Hydro w/d

[Tizzie]

I can't believe I'm here and I must admit I am really disgusted with myself for getting in the condition I am in. I'm feeling sorry for myself and defensive.....totally know that I screwed up but I am still managing to justify and rationalize and be arrogant at the same time.....jeez....I sound really charming, don't? Lol.

Seriously, I'm glad I found you folks and I am hoping for some info and support.

In the late 80's I had a very serious heroin, dilaudid and methodone habit. No excuse....illegal use from the start. However, I got clean and sober for several years...relapsed....clean and sober again and stayed that way for over 7 years. In February I developed severe lower back pain and foolishly started taking hydrocodone that had been prescribed to my huband for cancer. I was under tremendous stress and having to take care of him full time when my back pain just laid me down. At the time I convenced myself that I had to do something to keep myself functional because my back pain was so bad I could barely get out of bed. He had a very aggressive cancer which required chemo, radiation and very extensive surgery. Miraculously, he is in remission and recovering beautifully from major surgery. However, he has unlimited access to pain meds and I have managed to get myself addicted once again. I finally got proper treatment for my back pain from a wonderful chiro and at this point I am taking the pain meds just to avoid the withdraws. I know that relatively speaking, my habit is really mild. I am taking 3 or 4  7.5/500 hydro/APAP   per day. If I did not have a history of addiction to narcotics, I doubt if it would have been a problem, but I am really struggling just to keep from taking more. I have tried to stop several times in the last month (since I got my back pain managable) but I start to feel terrible as soon as I skip one pill. I'm sure some of it is psychological. He is still unable to drive or do much around the house and he depends on me to do pretty much everything, so I can't afford to get sick to the point that I can't take care of the two of us.

I know that everyone is different, but can anyone tell me what I should expect if I just cold turkey at this point? I have some ultram and some flexeril that my doctor gave me for my back and although they didn't seem to do anything for the pain, I'm wondering if I should take some to help taper off the hydro. I also have access to xanex, which at least may help me sleep.

I really miss being drug free and hate feeling so fuzzy and unmotivated. I would like to get this behind me as soon as possible and think that I may be better off cold turkeying than tapering. However, so far, I have not been able to say "today is the day" and stick to it. I thought maybe coming on here and actually putting it down in writing might help. Thanks for any experience, strength and hope you may have to share.

[Tizzie]

Thanks everyone!

As usual, things always appear differently in the morning and I am not feeling quite so desparate today.

First and foremost, Joann is right....THE most important thing is that hubby is doing so well....it puts my problem in perspective. He had 80% of his esophagus and 20% of his stomach removed less than 6 weeks ago and he is eating and processing food through his system just fine....amazing! He is up and walking around, just very fatigued and unfocused. He takes less of his pain meds than I do....he is just a miracle. I guess that is why I feel so bad about my using....I feel like such a wuss whining about a few chills and sweats when he has been through so much. But once an addict, always an addict and the obsessive compulsive part of my nature just reared its ugly head.

Lona, thanks for your comments about ultram. My doctor knows I'm a recovering addict and told me not to worry about the ultram because it was not likely to become addicted to it, but I have spent several hours on here reading horror stories about people who say otherwise. I sure don't need another habit!  I took about 60 of them over a few weeks time when I first got them in March and couldn't even tell I took them. I would forget to take them and finally just stopped and didn't bother to refill them. Based on what I have read, they must just really affect people differently. I may try them again....maybe substitute them for the hydro and see if they help. I certainly don't seem to crave them, but I guess that doesn't mean I couldn't become dependant on them. From what I've read the withdraws are more dangerous, so I will be careful.

Anyway, thanks again for all the support. I am going to continue checking the archives for info and just so I don't feel so alone. I do realize my problem is nothing compared to what many of you are going through and what I went through in the past. But still..... having unlimited access and the fact that I have to have them here for hubby is a problem for me.

[Lona11]

A lot of people on here don't agree with me but Ultram is the only thing I have tried that will keep me from the withdrawal symptoms.  Ultram seems to be addictive too but I don't think it is bad as Vicodan and Percocets because you don't really crave them.  Or at least I don't.  The bad part is, if you quit taking the Ultram, you will have the withdrawal symptoms.  To me the benefit of Ultram though, is you can take less of them, they are a lot easier to get from the doctor or online (since they are not listed as a narcotic, you can get refills) and you can wean yourself off with them.  No way can I wean myself if I have Percocets or Vicodan in the house but I am able to do it with the Ultram.  I also have flexeril which I only take once in a while at bedtime if my pain is bad because they make me drowsy but they do nothing to help my withdrawal symptoms.  There are horror stories of addiction to Ultram on this forum but I personally have taken them on and off for 10 years without any problems.  They may not be good but I still think they are better than Percocet or Vicodan.  I have absolutely no withdrawal symptoms if I take them in place of the Percocets..Just my experience, hope that helps

[joann1975]

Welcome to the forum! First thing is I am glad your husband is in remission that is awesome news!

If you will look on the right side of the screen there are Health Pages...click on those and read through the Thomas Recipe and the Amino Acid Protocols and that will help you through your wds. I would say on your dose of just 4 per day you could go cold turkey and have minimal wds....but everyone is different and I could be wrong. My habit was much more and I tapered. The stuff in the health pages will help you alot.

Also, there is an addiction/recovery tracker you can use. Make a plan...commit to it.. then stick to it! You can do this... you have done it before.

Also, have you considered an aftercare program or anything like that. I ask since this isn't your first go round. The forum is wonderful however it is always recommended to have aftercare.

If you have any questions feel free to post them or PM me.
JoAnn

[addict3]

I would think 3-4 pr. day would not be to bad w/d however if you have been doing this since Feb,  I do think you will have some.

Due to the holiday there is not a lot of people here. hang in there someone better than I will come on with more info.

Good luck!!! ...you can do this......it won't be that bad!!!