warning and MH props....

[spider6]

Good Morning my most awesome group of souls...(m.a.g.s.)?.....ummmm, needs work. lol
I'm a bit tongue tied this morning....this is what happens when a spider has a nail biting habit!
I want to just say that as someone who has a 40yr drug use history and a 27yr stint with the latest
doc detox..(8 mos. clean now)...MAN, watch out for the "addict brain"!  

Although I have been clean for 8 mos. now, omg, I just seem to continually replace one substance
with another.  We all experience that drop in energy and depression after getting the drugs out
of our bodies.......and for a lot of us this depression and energy loss is intolerable.
So for me, my addict brain is continuously "searching" for "something to take", to make it "all better".

It started with coffeee; and holy sh*t yes, that worked.....for awhile.  So more and more coffee, which
for me means more and more sugar as I hate the taste of coffee, I just want the drug effect of it!  So
of course now I can't get off it.  Point is, I keep going from one thing to the next trying to find that
magic something to take to make me feel better....L-tyrosine worked for awhile.....a/d worked for awhile,...
Can you believe I actually went and bought caffeine pills?!!  Like HELLO..red flags, bells and whistles,
knock me on my head ....f*cking wake up Spider!!!!  So you get where I'm going with this........

The saving grace for me is that I'm aware of it and I know it has to stop and can never go further than
my ridiculous "fix my uncomfortableness" pseudo drug remedies.
Although I'm not in a position to physically get to meetings by myself at this time.....I definitely know that
I am getting all the warning signs that it is imperative that I do something pro active about my thoughts
and behaviours.  .....in no way am I saying that I feel weak and may falter, I am saying anyone who thinks
they have this sh*t licked after a handful of months in....they're just kidding themselves.

I want to say thank you again to all of you freakin awesome people here.....yesterday was my 8mos and
also my birthday and I can't tell you what an incredible f*ckin treat it was to come on here after being away
with other obligays for the day and find all the "too much for words" super duper uber awesome cool props
and well wishes from you (m.a.g.s.) most awesome group of souls! (I think I must revise this) ......I wish I could hug
you all and squeeze you tight and wrap you in my silk.....wait okay....too much?  hahahahaha....love you all
so much, you have no idea!  This ole spidey could never ever ever have got this far without you ALL
Thank you from the bottom of my sticky feet to the top of my googly eyeballs and to the center of my melted
heart and to the depth of my lightened soul. hugs and love and hope!
*sorry no time for spellcheck...lol.....my sheep are calling me......the front fence is down....yikes.
  

[luvdolphins58]

Thanks so much for all the posts. They are so encouraging fun to read. Make me laugh and cry all same time. God bless

[Amandag78]

My goodnesd Charlotte, your me.. haha...
Me too. I do exactly the same thing, the coffee, the l-tyrosone, caffeine pills, nail bitting. And here i was thinking i didnt have any more issues....
Oh, and dont forget my diet pills..
Anyway, i agree, such a beautiful, honest and eye opener of a post.
You have much life experience with the good and the bad.
And 8 months is just beautiful to hear. I truely cannot wait till im there too.
Your a great dear friend, i really loved your post.
Thank you xoxo

[gnarly_1]

Hey congrats on 8mo clean.....what is more ausum is you recanize the addicted brain ...there is no cure for the disease but with some work it can be arrested and recovery is then possible  you need to change the very way we think  now for most of use the real question is how do we do that??? the only program that worked for me was N/A...the 12 step program works if you work it... so  go to some meetings after a wile get a sponcer  we feel that the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel I have tried every thing  church a generic 12 step group at church a substance abuse counselor but I did not get rid of that addict once I embraced the N/A progam I finely made some head way in recovery  am I still sick  you bet you but I have a lot of issues that are arrested I will always be a addict but I no longer live like one im no longer substituting one drug for another and recovery is grate please give this a try it will become your life line and give you a fighting chance I wish you all the luck in the world  you know you can abstain for 8mo so now it is time to live a full amazing life with recovery................................Gnarly..................................

[Ladykonnie]

What an awesome post ! Caffeine. I gave up caffeine and now I'm on green tea. Tapering *****. Good luck on your journey prayers and if you don't believe in prayers, positive thoughts sent your way, cause you sure sent some to us. Happy belated birthday!

[weaver71]

Love the analogy Vic. I would say that I was riding the wake a long time, up and down like a dingy adrift. I caught a few waves that really pushed me toward the shore, but there always seemed to be an under toe that kept my out at sea. I finally swam as hard as I could long enough to make it to the beach. Once I was on the beach, I still wanted to catch a tsunami wave for a long time, but I just sat there and started building a sand castle. The tide would come in and level it, then I moved further up on shore. Finally, I built my castle on solid ground and far enough from the crashing surf not to have to start over and over. Now I can keep building on what I have already started, and I have a bunch of people helping me build it. A tower will collapse on occasion, but many hands come to put it back, the whole thing never gets washed away anymore. This is why progress over perfection is so critical and why we need lots of support. Maybe a person can quit and move out without thinking about it again, but that must be the exception or a person who was dependant, not addicted. I've read books by therapist that state we can conquer it. After close examination, he wrote like a dependant user of drugs, not the compulsive kind of addict I am. It takes time and a team for me to stay on track and I still wander off the path in my mind sometimes. I relapse a lot, I just haven't let it get to the point of using drugs yet.

If we don't form new ways to cope, we will keep going back to MO. Autopilot doesn't work so well on this trip.

[VICourageous]

Nice Post Spider! And I forgot to tell You Happy Birthday!

Speaking from my experience as a long time user and also that the drugs I look for since I was 14 were the ones to get me Buzzed up and get LOTS of work done and all at the same time, (although I had tried many that went the other way). ANYWAY I now am older and feel like a 1956 Chevy pick up truck. My Engine is worn out and needs new parts and the Body has been dented and it needs new upholstery. Well my point is that I can still find some of the new parts and get the seats recovered BUT I will never run brand new again. When we have used for a long time we have put are Body/Brain through some he11 & back. So this all just takes time for the gas & oil to mix so we can run smooth at least.
The energy will slowly come back but it takes a lot of pushing to get it going again. Meanwhile it will NEVER be like it was on drugs, because that was synthetic energy.. These are the changes I had to do is too just except my type of energy right now and take this one day at a time, and be proud for what I have accomplished in that day. Some days are GREAT and other I am just so Run Down. BUT I will say this, as Weaver & I have compared notes for the last 20months we both agreed that we have turned the best corner yet on this energy thing. The Brain takes time to balance out and then it sparks the Body. Just like that ol Truck, the key has to turn to spark the distributor, points and plugs and then you need good gas to run.
Yes, as we have this disease our tape in the Brain will play that tape over & over and back again for something even if we stubbed our toe. We seemed to want This drug for That reason and That drug for This reason it is just our stinking thinking that we have had for too long..CHANGES in all areas of our Life have to be made and this is NOT going to happen in a month or two..This is a LIFE LONG PROCESS but it does get better and better every darn day we give it a change. Like being re-born again and living a brand new life!
I wish you the BEST and WE all are in this boat together no matter how much time we have in. Lets just stay right here in the Boat and do not let anybody tip us over..lol
Bless

[Bubbleguppie100]

Aww Happy Birthday pretty woman and congrats on 8 months! I understand about the caffeine situation. I need like 2 cups of coffee and soda during the day... I'm 7 months and the energy comes and goes.. Lol anyways, I am soo proud of you! :)

[motye51]

Love the post....and can totally relate to trying to catch that energy buzz...nothing is going to give us what were looking for, is what I've found...not pill wise anyway? It is an uncomfortable feeling that I'm trying to get rid of! You hit the nail on the head!

[jugglin]

Wow..what an awesome post.  Love you Miss Spidey in all your creative, crazy, compassionate, inspirational self!  You are  unique gem and a pure joy to know..an amazing soul!

[boognell]

Happy Belated Birthday and congrats on your eight months! I know you said you can't go to meetings, but I think you are on the right path and recognize triggers and drug seeking behaviors. Keep going, one day, one hour at atime, and Good luck God bless.