Why do I miss my alcoholic husband?

[Rileysmama]

I've never written in one of these forums before so bare with me. I am going through a really confusing time right now. I've been with my husband for almost 14 years married 11 and we have 3 daughters together. He is a severe alcoholic, completely non functioning and always has been. I left my home with my kids 4 days ago, I just couldnt take care of him or handle the verbal abuse anymore it was killing me and my kids. I love him dearly and I want him sober. He's been in out patient rehab twice in the last 2 years and i cant count the hospital trips. Any way he goes to inpatient finally in 3 days and I already miss him. Everyone says take it one day at a time and take care of me. I have been with him since I was 17, my whole adult life has been living like this and I don't know any different. I am so confused. No one wants me with him and I have support from both sides of our families. I have to carry the load of everyones anger and stress of this and my own and be strong for my kids. So really how do you take care of yourself when your such a mess and totally lost? I don't know how much longer I can do this strong women thing? I'm not sure who this girl is. Any comment or advice I'm sure will help. Thank you.

[Rileysmama]

I know what you mean. When will I learn? I have had that feeling that if he died I'd be free and even that makes me sick because how could I even think that. Even now I want to see him and when I do, he gives me those puppy dog eyes of I'm sorry. He's been sober for almost a week and I can see the man I fell in love with right now, but I know if he doesn't get help it will be the same thing again in a few weeks. He's suppose to go to rehab tomorrow and now the place is saying there's problems. I can't catch a break. I want to go home and I can't til he gets into inpatient rehab. I can't carry the load of his parents emotions. They treat me almost like I'm not capable of taking care of my kids or myself alone and that's really all I've done for 10 years. I'm losing my mind. I miss him so much. I'm so pathetic. It ***** to say I'm glad to here that other people are going through the same thing, but it is kind of a relief that it's not just me.

[worried878]

i think it is normal that u miss him...my daughters husband left her recently and he verbally abused her to where now she has no self esteem...and she misses him...i think u miss a headache if u had it long enough,,not to be joking but it is true...we can miss negative parts of our lives cos it is a habit/a daily routine theat is now gone

she told me yesterday "I can not do this" meaning get along without him..she has a 9 year old and a good job/rich dad/ so she doesnt really need him..but she thinks she does......i told her what coice does she have?  she can either "do this" or not "do this" and the second alternative is not a choice...being strong is not really sumpin we are born with..life teaches us how to be strong cos we have to live thru things.....most people would not choose the alternative as it is grim....so u will live thru this and a while from now u will look back and think "I was strong, I did this, and now I am so much better off"  good luck to u..things get better..there are support groups out there for u as well if u need them

[Marymoe36]

I am going through the same thing right now. Sunday I dropped my man off after over three years of being like we were married for his alcoholism. One thing you have over me is yours is at least trying to stop. Mine won't even try. He has been drinking mildly for twenty five years, heavily for two. I miss him so terribly bad and my heart is just breaking. I am having panic attacks even while I am asleep. It is terrible. Sometimes tough love is all we can give them. I agree that going out and having a good time with friends does not help me. I sit alone going crazy on an emotional roller coaster. This will get better, just be strong and do not back down now. You had enough courage to leave so be glad you have them. Some women are not as strong. We may miss them but we know a lifetime of alcoholism is worse. You can get through this. This site and the caring people do help me greatly as I am having some really low moments.

[carolbee]

You deserve a big bear hug!   I have a couple of words for you Al anon.  and co- dependency.  Look into it.  You obviously love him- not in the past, but in the present tence.    Just like drugs, there is a void.  And I imagine no one has let you know its o.k.  But you have made a very heartbreaking and brave decision and if he wants (wanted) to keep you, he'll stop.  If he doesn't or won't it's his choice.  But you need support, and you need to take care of you and your children.  And he needs to grow up and put on his big boy pants, and if not, don't change his diaper anymore.  Co-dependency can drive you to your own (not healthy) coping mechanisms.  A word to the wise, co-dependents can also enable.  And sabotage anothers recovery without bieng aware of it.  Stay online. There are free counselors out there, your Health dept can direct you.  or google N/A+your city,your state.  Save the party for later. and take care of you.

[Rileysmama]

Al-anon isn't for me. I've been and I just didn't relate to it very much. I need to talk with people of different stages of this type of problem. (Like Evolution) People in Al-anon all seem to have healed and aren't saying much about how they got there. I feel like my story was once familar to them and they look at me like there glad to have those years behind them. I just haven't connected with anyone at those meeting before. I'm not saying I won't ever go again, but right now I need more one on one or group discussions. I'm really not ready to be around anyone right now. Thank you for all your stories and kind words.

[mtgoat911]

how many meetings did you goto?
did you read courage to change?
i am a recoevring addict, but i was in a situation my first year clean
my husband was on pain meds.
he was not ready to quit
i went to narcanon, and i too......hated the meetings, some of the people there told me i belonged back in na with my kind, when i introduced myself as an addict and married to an addict
but one lady took the time to listen to my pain, and actually helped me get through the stress of joining a new community
maybe you can give it another shot, get to know people a little better, people do not always like to talk about the bad stuff until they know you a little better
allow the alonon crew a chance
you are always welcome here
xo