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Avatar universal

I need help!

Okay. So, a little bit about myself and a little inside look into my past with my anger, and maybe you all can help me decide on what to do, and/or give me some sort of assitance on what is wrong with me. Please keep reading, if you're interested or think you may can help with my issue. Thank you!

I am 21 years old, I have just recently joined the Army as a 19D... combat job, I am now stationed in Germany. I have just recently got married to my lifelong love, whom I met 7 years ago at the age of 14. Right now she is still back in the states awaiting approval to move to Germany with me. I'm into very 'mellow' hobbies like golf, snowboarding and video games. Snowboarding very much being mellow yet super intense at the same time. Ok, well there is some info about my life, now to let you know a little about my history of anger.

From the time I was a teenager in high school and still to this day I have had somewhat of some anger issues, which started off very small. I would let things build up and build up, I would never really confront many people unless neccessary. Then eventually out of nowhere it would start hitting me, my mood would change for about a week, and I would explode on someone, then turn back to normal right after. I thought I was doing very well handling myself. Then it turned into me having outbursts about the most stupid things you could think of with my friends and family. I was so irritable at so many things for no reason. Now, so many years down the road it has only gotten worse with time. I am a very calm and collected individual for the most part, I'm not hostile acting, and I even handle most things that could make people angry pretty well, but when someone else is battling you with the same mindset, eventually I explode into an uncontrolled rage.

It's really not the little outbursts I have with everyone else that bothers me, but now its starting to step into my marriage... and THAT is where my REAL problem lies.

My wife and I are, as of now, stuck to the world of video chatting until she can join me here in Germany. Which is fantastic because I get to talk to her even this far away. But within the past couple of weeks, we have been getting into HUGE arguments, all of which are started because of one little thing that she is doing. I can honestly say that the things that are setting me off, are NO reason to get mad at all! And I realize this. So here we go. I find myself going from my normal, sweet loving husband mode, into a complete RAGE for no reason over things like, my wife talking to people in the background of our convo.'s online, or texting her friends while I'm on there. Even the tone of voice when she says things to me triggers me into an extreme rage. The only way I can explain the way this anger, is to explain how I feel during it. When I turn into this "anger mode", I literally lose all my ability to rationalize what I'm saying or doing. Quite literally I am 'blinded' by the anger, I get sort of a tunnel vision and am not aware of the things going on around me, nor can I logically think or speak, everything I say is out of anger, and I never let go of the one single thing that seemingly caused me to explode and I keep harping on it. I get to the point where I am yelling at her, and she is trying to handle it the best she can, then after she can't do it, the slightest attitude fuels the fire worse for me. Last night I was literally yelling at the top of my lungs over her playing a song when I asked her not to. I was completely irate about it, to the point where I screamed at her that sometimes she made me so mad that I wanted to kill her. (Please note the fact that I am not a physically violent person with women, nor do I condone anyone else who is physically violent with women, yet this was just an outburst of something. And if it wasn't important to my concern, then I wouldn't have included it, so take that into account.) I am really scared of these outbursts pushing her away, as I know it has made us more distant because of it. Not only that but I realize that this is becoming a problem and I need to address it somehow before I lose my marriage over it. If anyone thinks that they can help, or has something to say, please post on this. If I have left out any key information, or if I have rambled, please let me know, and if there is just some other information that you think may be helpful to this please inform me and I will comply as needed.
Best Answer
Avatar universal
Hey man, first off....you recognise that there is a problem and that is pretty big and takes some cajones to admit too.  Our society has taught us in order to be men, we just have to buck up and get on with it.  It's probably that mentality that has led to some of the worlds/countrys abuse problems.

I too have anger issues and am addressing them with a therapist.  I highly suggest doing this yourself.  There is a bit of a stigma that has been put on doing this from our society as well, but I know it is helping me big time.  I have learned a few things to knock down most of these outbursts that I have had.

Your case sounds a lot like mine.  I was always the go to guy in a stressful situation because of my ability to keep my cool, regardless of what was happening.  I never let work stress get in the way because I knew the other people werent mad at me, but the rules I was upholding.  After work, and with every day life happening, I would eventually blow up at the smallest of things.  Tunnel vision, become completely illogical, everything you mentioned.  Literally, this was a conscious black-out.  One day at work, I lost my cool and when I came around, about an hour or so after the incident....I was scared at what I had almost done. (I was mamaging a bar/nightclub at the time, and a drunk patron tried to hit me..... I took this cat to task real fast and in a hurry, and completely lost my sense of direction...somehow I got it stopped before I did any more damage)

Years later....maybe 6 or so years later, I actually stepped up and got some help.  This was just recently.  Through those 6 or so years, I dont know how many bouts of blackout anger I had and dont recall any of them.  

Partner, it's too dangerous and scary to not address this now.  You could end up doing something that you'll regret for the rest of your life, and it just isnt worth it when help is available.  Take it from me, go talk to someone about it.  You'll be way glad you did, and doing so is only going to help your relationship with your wife and anything else that comes down the pike.
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Avatar universal
Hey man, its me again.  I just wanted to add something to my above statement.  As much as you want to get this right for your wife, keep in mind that you want to get this straightened out for you too.  

Any number of things can happen if you dont get this addressed.  Truth be told, any number of things can happen anyhow.  What I am getting at is this.... maybe as a younger man youre probably not thinking about things too far down the line.  What you dont want to have happen is your lack of attention to this issue causing you problems down the line.

For me, me not addressing my issues earlier probably had something to do with the worst thing I've ever done.  (I wont get into that, as it isnt that important)  It's important for me, at the end of the day, to be good with myself before I go to sleep.  Me not addressing my issues caused me a lot of restless sleep and a lot of unnecessary grief.  I'd like to think that had I addressed this earlier, that it wouldnt have happened.  We will never know if that is true or not as it has already happened.

What I do know now is, I feel real good about myself now...finally manning up and getting the help I needed in order to be a better husband, father, friend, and man.  Do not feel like a wimp about addressing this.  I found out that its a wimp who knows he has a problem and doesnt address it.  I never really believed in therapy...shrinks....pills, etc because I have been able to get over all of my own problems on my own.  As it turns out, I didnt get over anything and all of this crap I stored has come back to haunt me.  Its misguided anger that I never dealt with.  

Get some help buddy.  It is so worth it.  Getting help is even more valuable if it saves your marriage and assists in making you the best you that you can be.  Just do it man.
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