Loneliness with BP

[Tyzer33]

I dont know if any of you experience this same thing but why is it that BP makes you feel so lonely a lot of the time? I find myself starring into space somethimes watching other people walk round me and I feel as if im not there. Its as if im a ghost and i could just blow away in the wind, often enough i wish i would just blow away. Some days i just cant take the struggle and ive no energy or desire to fight with myself. You seem to have to spend alot of time in your own head with having BP trying to challenge the negative and suicidal thoughts etc. I feel like such an outsider from normal society and its made worse by people abandoning me since ive been sick, its really great when you get kicked when your down isnt it.

[friendly45]

I am a positive person doing well with the help of my fantastic husband.  I have three children who do not seem to be bipolar.  Where I suffer is at the school gates. Other mothers definitely think I'm weird.  I have tried being friendly to them but to no avail.  I have now more or less given up in that regard. They are the ones who have weird ideas about me.  I have overheard them say I fancy people which is simply not true. am totally devoted to my beloved husban and no one else.  They even have a very cruel nickname for me.  It breaks my heart sometimes. The school is the single most nightmarish part of my life.  I live for the holidays when I don't have to face them.  The awful thing is I have never done or said anything to upset any of them.  Can you believe grown women could be so ignorant and cruel?

[lindahand]

There is a fear that being medicated will take away creativity. Sometimes it can but a lot of times it makes creativity better because there is not the depression to deal with and the highs that are impossible to get anything done. Unless you are on a really bad combination of meds you will still be you. And if you are not you need to change meds.

Kay Jameson has done research on this. Her book is called "Touched by Fire" and may be something you'd be interested in reading. If you haven't at least tried medication - may be time to.

There is a lot of debate as to whether or not psyc meds are good in the long term but I know they gave me a life back. I was like you and flipping from one state to another in a frantic haze of being. That type of bipolar is hard to treat (or at least that is what every pdoc I've seen has told me). I take lamotrigine, trazodone (although I am trying to taper off that because it makes me too drowsy) and Zeldox. I also take birth control and that combination really helps me. I still have to be very careful about stress. Your combination would be different. The pdocs here tend to prescribe seroquel and lamotringe for bipolar, but I has an adverse reaction to seroquel.

The others things are your standards. Eat right, exercise, know your triggers (those things which lead to episodes or periods of high stress - for example working too much is a trigger for me so I have to make sure that I take really good care of myself when I work longer hours)

One question that is worth asking is what will provide the best quality of life for your little one.

[sherribabi]

Advice :)

I have not been officially diagnosed with bi-polar, but for years people have commented on my manic depressive behaviour.
It's kind of become a running joke.

I know the way I am is not normal. At this moment I can't sleep. Too many thoughts are in my head. I'm scared someone will get in the house and harm me and my little girl. I've spent the past few days in a wierd mode, like Im not really here. Just obsessing about stupid things that are eating away at me, to the point I can barely function. All these awful thoughts wont go away. It's like Im completely wired and alive but nt in a good way. its horrible. My legs wont stay still when I try and sleep. Sick thoughts keep occurring to me and I dont want to be near anyone, yet I would kill for someone to hold me and make it all better. I even climbed into my little girls cot before just so I could feel close to someone who wouldnt judge me.

Only a few days ago, I felt so happy and positive. I got so much done and felt on top of the world. I find myself getting so over- excited people can't keep up with me, when I feel like this it's wierd, like I know Im gonna make it and be successful and in these times I convince myself I am better and wont get so low again, It never lasts and then I feel so depressed and down on myself that I let myself fall again.

Sometimes I can go quite a while feeling fairly level, but then I t all goes crazy again. I make a fool of myself all the time, by getting over excited and crying in in-appropriate situations. I feel like my skin is peeled off and am so sensitive to everything. Any little thing can set me off into depression sometimes and other times I feel so strong. Like none of that matters and Im amazing anyway so **** everyone.

Also I had a really bad episode of depression a few years ago- and at the end of it I had a load of grand mal seizures. That was a year out of my life I hardly remember. It was never diagnosed as epilepsy or anything proper. So I dunno if that has something to do with it.

I find it hard to form relationships. I can be too much for most people to take and while people sem to like me on the whole- they take the ****. I can feel them looking down on me for the way I talk too much and say innapropriate things sometimes. I think I can be a bit intense too and people tend to be more laid back than me and I cant be like that. When I try to tell people how feel they brush it off and basically tell me to get over it. But MY GOD- I would give absolutely anything to be a different person sometimes. Why the hell would anyone want to feel like this?

And it's not like normal depression coz a lot of the time I am very positive and the thing that keeps me going is knowing that it passes eventually. During the moment tough it's awful. Sometimes when Im wired I literally pace the house desperately needing to get out and be wreckless. If I spend money and buy new clothes or something that helps- it calms me down a little.

When I was a teenager I did wierd things- like I shaved my head bald (and I am a girly girl totally vain haha) and stupid embarrassing stuff Im too ashamed to write.
I often get the urge to do publicly crazy things like scream in the middle of the street. I also get a wierd thrill from saying shocking things sometimes.

In a nutshell I spend most of my life trying to control my impulses, whether it be impulsive thoughts or actions. And sometimes I feel like I have no control. Like my brain has taken over. I feel like my eyes glaze over (I know that sounds strange) and everything carries on.

I'm so tired of being the way I am.
Does it sound like Bi-polar, I am scared of being medicated because Im an actress and am creative and my best work often comes when I feel 'high' and elated.

Sorry for the rant

Sherri x

[hoopbug]

Reading these comments actually lowered my anxiety a little bit. Lately, my depression has grown worse than ever before. I had to quit school, got demoted at work, and feel like I am barely hanging on. I am 22 years old, and I feel like I am watching my family move on without me. For most of my life, I have felt left behind, like I am in a glass box where I can see everything, but I cannot be understood or happy like everyone else. I have been suffering from depression for most of my life, but these days suicidal thoughts seem to carry themselves right into the middle of my life. When you are sitting in public, and all of the sudden anxiety comes on and overwhelmingly blinds you, it becomes very difficult to block out ways to make it all end. It has been scaring me lately because I am worried that one day, I won't be able to fight back. I try to do as many things that make me happy as possible, but I am no longer interested in what i used to be. I am not myself and I feel like I am screwing up my life. I push people away every day for no reason now, and only talk to a few people. Even my closest friends are starting to seem like outsiders to me and because I feel like they don't understand me, I try to push them away daily. I constantly feel INCOMPETENT, selfish, and lifeless. I know there has to be an end, but even on the good days, I worry the bad ones will return and they do.  it has become and back and forth emotion shift everyday. Does anyone have these shifts and how do you cope?

[RawHealth]

I see it as a sense of isolation, more than loneliness, though I definitely relate. Glad it is not permanent. Helps a little to tell myself that and to distract myself with things I like, such as up-tempo music and so on.

[rogelio63]

I feel lonely.  In a roomful of people, friends, family, I feel like I'm watching from outside a window.  Not all of the time, thank God.  But a lot of the time.  I have a lot of friends, but at work, sometimes I find myself hiding just to get away from people.  So yes, loneliness.  I don't know if it's a symptom or not, but it's definitely there.