Hi, I'm a 21 year old female and I'm scared of myself. Let's start with this...
Everyday for the past 8 years have been a struggle. To face myself day after day year after year. And 5 months ago has been the ultimate pitfall.
4 months ago I took a 40 paracetamol overdose... A week later it happened again. I don't know who it is. It's most certainly not me. It's like there's a wall. One side of the wall is the real me and on the other side I really don't know who it is.
It's like I'm helpless to what this false me does. Almost as like I black out from the moment from when this thing does something to either hurt or try to kill me. I keep telling it NO but sometimes that thing don't listen.
And when this false me doesn't get it's own way it makes me cry and feel too much pain to bare. This false me always wants me to die. This false me makes me restless makes me move my fingers and arms when I don't want to. Just recently this false me made me talk complete jibberish but for some strange reason it made sense to me.
This person inside of me always makes me think people are watching me and making me think everyone hates me. I start to hate open windows without curtains when the curtains are shut I feel safe I feel like no one can no longer watch me or try to know my mind.
I can't look into peoples eyes it's too much like this person inside of me is thinking that the person talking to me in real life is trying to look into my brain and read me.
Just 1 week ago the false me tried to push me onto the road. I was crying because I didn't want to but the person inside of me wanted it and almost convinced me. Also I've started to notice people's tones and facial expressions like if they look at me or talk to me in a certain way I feel like they hate me and want me to die. Crossing roads now is a huge challenge. Everytime a car comes forward I focus on the bumper and think about stepping forward.
My mind never stops running like madness non stop really fast thoughts I can't stop them. My sleep is almost non existing and I feel like the person inside of me is stopping me from eating like he or she thinks it's going to make me sick or die.
I'm sure I've left out quite some other things but this is what I've witnessed in myself since it's gotten worse.
Please someone help is it bad? Is it normal? What should I do?