There is hope for you, just like I believe there is hope for me. Are you familiar with Dialectical Behavior Therapy? It's rooted in Zen Buddhism and mindfulness is a huge part of it along with learning Distress Tolerance, Emotional Regulation and Interpersonal Effectiveness skills. You can Google "DBT therapy" and start learning about it if you're not familiar. I haven't been able to afford a DBT therapist specifically but I am fortunate that in the States we have Universities with Community Psychological Services so I do have a good therapist that I see on a sliding scale fee. We have been working through a DBT Skills workbook, and I have done a LOT on my own by throwing myself into yoga and my overall health, practicing self care, and constantly educating myself about this disorder. I see you're in South Africa, and I don't know how things work there but I think it might be a good idea to look into 'community services' to see if you might be able to find some therapy. I even got into research study at one point for PTSD before the BPD diagnosis, and got 12 weeks of therapy and a little check at the end. You have to look for these opportunities though, so I would suggest doing some research.
I just got fired from my job as a manager at a restaurant last week. I'm getting ready to go through the unemployment process, which is not something I look forward to, or the job hunt. I think I just destroyed a new relationship with someone I really liked because I didn't have the patience to see if the feelings were mutual, and just being friends was messing with my head because I had feelings for him. So here I am, still sober after 3 years and 4 months, and I think there is still hope for me. This doesn't mean I have answers for anything, for myself, for you or anyone else. But I am constantly trying to understand, and just accept that everything that is happening is a part of my journey and my process, and the end game is not really relevant in the meantime. It has taken time and a lot of work for me to get to this point though. The way I did it was by educating myself about this disorder and getting honest with myself, working with a good therapist, staying sober, and devoting myself to yoga, which can teach you SO much about yourself and life in general. It's conditioning me to focus inward, tune out the outside 'noise' and get quiet in my head. I've learned self acceptance and self reliance, found inner strength, and most importantly, I've finally started getting comfortable with the concept of letting go. It is my sanity. This is not to say I don't struggle everyday of my life. Believe me I do. But I am learning how to make it, life, whatever, easier on myself.
My heart goes out to you and all of us who deal with this disorder, because I truly know how overwhelming it can be. Feel free to add me as a friend, I am trying to be more active on here these days. Best of luck to you and keep in touch!
Thank you so much for your detailed response to my post. I have heard of Dialectical Behavior Therapy but I haven't found a therapist in my area who uses that therapy yet and I can't afford a therapist at the moment. They are so expensive.
The other things you mentioned, Distress Tolerance, Emotional Regulation and Interpersonal Effectiveness skills, sounds exactly like what I need. I'm going to do a bit of research on that. I really need to learn how to regulate my crazy emotions. Up until now the only way I have been dealing with it is to force myself not to act on the negative emotions which is REALLY difficult because you know how impulsive we are but I'm managing to keep that rule I made for myself quite well. It prevents me from messing things up in my relationships. When I'm alone I freak out as much as I want to. Haha.
Sorry to hear about your job. If you are like me big changes like that can mess me around because it's bad enough as it is to try and stay emotionally stable and then something like that happens and rocks the boat that you've been trying to keep calm.
Thank you once again. I appreciate your post.
This is also for Iboogie7729. Hello and my word, you have absolutely amazed me Iboodie7729 with your wealth of correct info to a fellow struggling friend. I can't fault anything you said, not in any way and you've covered the lot - everything!! You sure you're not a Psych Dr or ''professional''!!! There's nothing like a sufferer of a disorder or disease to know from experience exactly how the malady feels and what it's like to live that disorder day to day, week to week, year to year. As in my case decade to decade!! I've suffered nearly every symptom of BPD for the last 31 years but was only officially diagnosed approx. two years ago - what a huge relief - not a ''time waster'' as I'd been labled on the many times I ended up in A&E and subsequently the Psych unit. I'm in the process of DBT now on a one to one basis (I'm in the UK), there's group DBT therapy coming up shortly and I have the backing of a community psych nurse and out of hours crises telephone lines. Over the time doing DBT I haven't self harmed, drank alchol, taken drugs or been either anorexic or bulimic - the very things I did to the point of my life being in danger. As was mentioned it's a long sometimes hard struggle and for me it's still a minute by minute existence each day but things are considerably better than this time 2 years ago for sure. Without the DBT and input from the mental health team I wouldn't still be here, that I do know for sure. Well done and explained Iboogie7729, you are awesome!!! You Lopdiepop - I wish you all the luck in the world and you CAN beat this and live a better life, do come back here and join the club!! It's a great site and always someone willing to lend an ear or help in some way. HUGS. XXX
Beautiful discussion in quite a while :) thanks to all three .. I have never been diagnosed with BPD and dont know if i have all the 5 out of 9 criteria but just the impulsiveness , i hate you -dont leave me symptoms itself is enough to make it tough .
I had a borderline ex gf and i know it firsthand how bad it feels ... BUT HOPE IS THERE .. Ask lots of questions at this site and also use all available resources .. Ideally DBT but also read a lot . I can suggest a book
BUDDHA and the BORDERLINE by KEIRA GELDER . Dont expect instant answers but with treatment prognosis is quite good ...Keep asking questions , see videos , get help , take charge of your recovery ...
Thanks again for all the replies. Do any of you maybe have advice on how to handle splitting? That's the worst part for me. How can you love and not love the same person? How do I deal with it when those "I don't love him anymore" feelings come up? I know they don't last and the love comes back but what can I do to make it more bearable when it does happen?
Splitting, this is one of the easier ones to get over.
1. You love your partner. Remember this is your core belief.
2. Then when the splitting comes, your not going to believe you love them and you will believe you hate them.
3. Do nothing in this zone, once you feel the hate this is your trigger to shut up and say very little as any words coming out will only add fuel that you truely hate them.
4. Go upstairs and Roar into a pillow !!! This is optional
"Splitting" is also known as Black and White or All or Nothing thinking. I am all too familiar with this issue.The DSM-IV gives this definition: "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation".
I can't say this is any easy thing for me personally. It's been a huge struggle my whole life actually. Lately this has has come up for me with the boss who just fired me and the person I had been spending time with for the past 2 months. I'm glad you asked about this because it compelled me to look up some info. I don't have all the answers off the top of my head. As I said before I'm working with a therapist but she's learning the DBT process along with me and I'm on my own except for our one hour a week. I still consider myself to be kind of a newbie at all of this because I just found out I had this disorder last fall.
I will send you a link to an article I was just reading on a website called MyDailyDBT *******. There's another great site called DBTSelf ******* and another site where you can pay a $15 fee to get in depth and advanced help online called My Dialectical Life but I have not used it yet. We can't post links in threads otherwise I would post them here for others to check out too. I'm seeing my therapist today and if I can come up with a more in depth response to this one I'll post it here! Keep your head up everyone, I'm working hard to do the same!