PLEASE Someone Help Me...

[Malicious]

I have a lot of problems I need to tell people, as if that other post wasn’t enough. If you’ve read that one, you must really think I’m a **** up after this. I don’t care what people have to say, or what they think, but I need to say it, and I need to say it now. This is more of venting than anything. If anything you get to read a story; sure it’s a lot but be nice and at least read it please, thankies.

So here’s the thing, I’m tired of the fact that everywhere I go I get treated like ****, whether ignored or laughed at and what not. Granted, everyone somewhere will have a bad day, but why everyday? Sure life can be worse, but does that make everything ok?

6th Grade is of course when I started becoming my own person, and not who my parents want me to be. I used to try to skip school as much as I could because I was so miserable, I would even make myself sick so I had to stay home. School has always been difficult for me, but middle school is when it got bad. When I tried to stay home my parents would either beat the **** out of me or call the cops and try to have me ******* arrested. I had to go to juvenile court because I missed so many days.

Well, this is why I did that. One day at school a friend thought it would be nice to play a joke on me saying that her and my other friend where no longer my friends, so I’m like what the ****. So we exchanged bitter arguments and such, but my one ‘friend’ started telling her **** that I didn’t even ******* say. So the friend walked up to me and said, what the **** did you say about my mom? I said what?! I didn’t say **** about her! Well, no one would believe me, and then the whole mother ******* school was against me over that, as if people weren’t mean enough. So that day was lovely. On top of that this fuckass was like, my friend thinks you’re a fat ***, and this kid yelled at me, I don’t even know why.

Next day, her sister was waiting for me at school. She was all, you ******* freak I’ll beat the ******* **** out of you ***** I hope you ******* die, and she did that for about a month. I didn’t say anything; I was pretty used to hearing that type of thing. So I got to my first hour class. This kid kept kicking my chair. So I said, please stop kicking my chair. He said **** no you ain’t my momma, which was kind of humorous but still. So I tried to ignore it, but I couldn’t. I was getting really pissed off. So I said what the **** stop kicking my ******* chair you ******* piece of ****. He was all Jesus you look like you’re gonna kill me. I said, if you shut the **** up I won’t. Then I got to third hour, second was ok-ish. I sat down, I was kind of looking at my desk and my teacher said if you aren’t going to pay attention get out of my class!!! I was paying attention. GET OUT OF MY CLASS! Where do I go? I DON’T CARE! Ugh that ******* ******* hated me, I swear. So I went to my science class, that teacher was nice to me. Kids were all oh he likes you and all that lovey-dovey **** blah-blah-blah. So I’m like whatever, **** you. Then I get out of there finally, and my next teacher was giving me an attitude and made me look like a moron, so everyone was laughing at me, how nice. Then there were ‘electives’ classes, which are ‘supposed’ to be fun; this one kid was with her friend and pulled her down, but I was there and the same teacher that sent me out was there, and thought I did it, which makes no sense at all. He was all I’m writing you a referral. At this point I wanted to strangle someone. No matter what I told them they wouldn’t believe me, I wanted to cry. I had to have ISS, or in school suspension, for some stupid **** I didn’t do. THEN I finally got in my elective when there was about 20 minutes left. This kid wouldn’t shut up or some **** so the teacher moved him, next to me of course. Well he was all ew I’m not sitting by her she’s against my religion, some ******* ****. Then THAT class was ******* laughing at me, let me tell you this, good damn thing I didn’t have possession of a gun, or I would have shot every mother ****** in my sight.

You know what, that is basically how every day was, and still is, endless ********. I would look around see people with there friends, and I wanted to shoot them just for smiling, it hurt so much. Why was I any different? I’d come home and cry myself to sleep as I’m being bitched at by my annoying parents. I love it when they would tell me to shut up. They had no idea about anything that was going on with me, no ******* clue.

Enough of school, it doesn’t matter as with most things involving me. I dropped out in 9th grade. So growing up as a kid, I had plans on becoming someone important; I wanted to be a part of history. Well the hell with that now. I’m not even in ******* school, so the best I’ll ever get is some ******* retail store!

I’ve been overweight since the age of two, this year I’m turning 17 and I weigh ******* 120 pounds more than I should, as in I’m about 260 lbs! You know how much that sucks! It’s such an overwhelming amount to have to lose, it seems merely impossible. My whole life, I don’t know what it’s like to actually live. That’s all I want, I want to live a normal life. I’ve tried to lose weight so many times, nothing will work. I don’t want to be stuck like this forever. I want to be happy, what if I die tomorrow, what a waist.

Yes, yes, I KNOW it can be worse, and I need to stop looking in the past.

Also, I don’t like my anatomy; I don’t want to be a girl, I don’t. You can laugh, or look down on me, go ahead. I cry about it almost every ******* day, because I know I can’t change this. I could, but I could never afford any form of surgery or hormones. It’s the most horrible feeling, I can’t even describe it. Think of yourself as the opposite gender; I feel embarrassed to live. I’ve always felt this way. My parents don’t accept this AT ALL, they tell me I’m pathetic, they tell me I’m a **** up, you know what, they’re right. I had to tell them in the worst way, I wasn’t even ready to tell them, they forced it out of me. They didn’t like it when they found out I was bisexual, but this was WAY worse. I feel so much emotional devastation, like you could never know. I don’t even look like a girl, I mean I’m one of those people where you can’t even tell. Hmm is that a girl or a guy? ********.

There’s even more. I have orthodontic issues, I have what you call an ‘under bite’, which is ******* ******** as well. Why me, WHY? He told me about 3% of the mother ******* population or something has this problem, I mean what the hell! What kind of ****** *** life is this!!! It’s not noticeable at all, I hope, but it’s really uncomfortable.

There are just days where I’ll lose it, I’ll beat the hell out of my door and scream manically, because I can’t deal with this. I broke my door frame a few months ago… but I don’t care, whatever right?

Yes, I have ‘friends’, but they only want me under their convenience.

I’m not looking for your sympathy, or your pity. I just need help, because I’m simply confused and haven’t a clue as to where to start, because something needs to change, and it needs to change soon, or I won’t be here much longer. I’m so stressed at night, thinking about all this **** and how my life is going absolutely nowhere, I feel like I’m having a ******* heart attack half the time.

I’m ******* devastated with guilt and hate, it literally is tearing me apart, I can’t take it any longer…

[Happy2girls]

I think April said it beautifully.  I wanted to tell you that I know to some degree what you are feeling.  I'm an old lady now but from first straight through eighth grade I was tormented for the full 6.5 hours I attended school, the most popular boy had a problem with me and he made my life a living hell.  I woke every morning with stomach aches so bad I would double over, I cried every single day when I boarded the bus home.  I would get spontaneous nose bleeds when the kids would torment me and I developed a very bad case of psoriasis on both my elbows (the nose bleeds and the psoriasis was more fodder for the bullies).  As we got into 7th and 8th grades the leader kid would harass me in front of the teachers and they did nothing (he was a really big kid, like a man).  I thought the pain would never end.  I prayed for death every single day.  I believed everything bad and nothing good that anyone said about me.  I did have a very loving family and I am sorry that you don't seem to have the same.    So, you may ask, why am I telling you all of this.  I want you to know that you are not alone, it can get better but not if you let bitterness and anger control you.  I also want to tell you that you are very articulate and seem incredibly intellegent...try channeling your pain into something creative like music, art, poetry.  It would be a huge waste for you to let "them" win by allowing yourself to descend farther and farther into darkness and rage.  I agree with all those above who suggested a counselor for you, keep an open mind about that.  I really and truly understand your pain.  Take care.  

[gracey888]

Its only YOU who can help yourself. Don't mind those ppl who are fond of hurting you. Just be optimistic and don't focus yourself on your problems, indeed focus on how to make your life memorable and meaningful. I agree with April, find a group of friends who can accept the real you and who can help you.

Don't be too sad... There is still HOPE. Just trust in God. When you are alone in your room, try to meditate and try to listen to some christian songs. It will help you enlighten your mind.

Be yourself and be happy!

[Jade59]

Please forgive my earlier post.  And please don't think I doubt your trials and tribulations for a minute.  It sounds like you've had a terrible life.  It's just that you don't sound 16 and the reason for that could be the fact that you've had to grow up so quick.  Having to deal with adult problems can make a teenager grow up way to fast.  

Again, please forgive me.  I was having a very bad night last night and shouldn't have even been on the forum, Ok?

Take care.......

[umya]

with all respect and empathy, you wont get this figured out online.  please get yourself to a psychiatrist or psychoanalyst asap.  you can overcome all of this pain.  good luck to you.  

[April2]

Hey there. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Don't worry about how many times you post. It's good that you're reaching out and want help. I do think that as severe as some of your problems are that you really need to find a good therapist and work with them. There's only so much we can do here online. I hope you will consider it for your own health and happiness. You need to talk to your parents and insist on getting some help. Do it for yourself. If they won't take you, take yourself. Most insurances cover therapy. You may need to make a copay but it's usually not much. Please take it seriously.
That being said, I will try and tell you what I think. My heart goes out to you. You sound so simular to my own teenage daughter (except the weight but that's not important). She was mistreated and abused when she was younger. We've only been finding this out over the last year or so. She claims she was molested or touched inappropriately by boys. She was also picked on and bullied a LOT in middle school. We didn't realize how bad it was because she didn't tell us. For awhile there she didn't want to be a girl either and started dressing as a boy and chopped all her hair off. Our therapist said it was because of the trauma she had been through. She felt vicimized as a girl and had no control so she was trying to get that control back in her life. There's just one problem with that. She hardened herself in order to not get hurt any more but that's not really living either. She spiraled down a dark path for awhile (she's still not completely out of the woods yet but doing better). She actually dabbled into Satanism for awhile which horrified us because we're a Christian family. She got into some pretty dark stuff. The more she did, the worse off she became. She was deeply depressed and cutting herself. She was drawing very dark, disturbing pictures and writing poems that were the same, very sad, painful, dark, angry stuff. She was showing how she felt inside. She had a low self esteem (it's getting better). She believed everything her peers said to her. They'd tell her she was fat, ugly and could never get a guy. She's a beautiful girl but she didn't see it! She believed everything they said to her! Her peers were her world which is pretty common for a teenager to feel. Nothing her dad or I could say would help. She needed professional help. She actually got suicidal a few times.
I was in denial for a long time. I thought we could fix her. I thought that if we just loved her enough and took care of her, that'd make everything ok. She seemed to be doing better. We moved her to a new school to get a fresh start and away from the mean kids. She really seemed to like that and made new friends. However, she had never really dealt with everything inside her and she cut herself again recently when she got upset. This time, finally, we took her to a mental health hospital and had her admitted for evaluation. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I think it needed to be done to get her some help. They have started her on a anti-depressant and mood stabalizer and have talked with her a lot. They're recommending we continue therapy and we will.

I want to tell you something though. If you continue to suround yourself with darkness, you will feel this way. I know I told you in your last post how important it is to suround yourself with positive people, positive uplifting music, books, movies, etc. You don't realize how powerful all that can be on you. It really does affect how you are and how you think!
Don't worry about your weight or looks right now. That's not important. What's important is working on who you are on the inside. Your self-esteem has been shot with the way you've been treated and the way you're treating yourself. You need to learn to like yourself. Think about what you're good at. You're obviously smart and articulate. Would you like to write? You write very well. It could help to get your feelings out too. Find something that makes you feel good. For most of us, helping someone in need also helps us to feel good and better about ourselves. Consider volunteering somewhere that you think you'd enjoy, like a soup kitchen, a nursing home, a food pantry. There's so many organizations who desperately need help.

Start a journal. Find one thing each day that you like about yourself and write it down. Then find one thing to be grateful for and write that down. Do this every day and see how it will make you feel.

I agree with Kande. Don't ever allow someone else to determine who you are. Don't give them that power. The people that are mean and insensitive in your life are just that - mean and insensitive. It's their problem! It's a character flaw really. This shows the type person they are. Don't stoop to their level. Hold your head up and keep telling yourself you're worth it! You're special and unique. There's no one else on this earth like you. Do you believe that? Keep telling yourself until you believe it. So what if you have orthodontic problems? I don't know a human alive that doesn't have flaws and imperfections. Besides, most orthodontic work is treatable. Don't worry about it now. It's something you can think about further down the line. Also don't think about dieting either. The way you're thinking is right now, you'd only be punishing yourself while doing it. Treat your body gently. Give it good, healthy food, exercise and plenty of sleep, not so you can lose weight, but because you want to take care of it. We only have one body in this life. Treat yourself gently too. Would you treat another person as badly as you've been treating yourself? Treat yourself how you'd want other's to treat you, with compassion and love.

Consider going back to the faith you obviously still believe in and find a church with a good youth group where you can meet other kids your age who would be accepting. Be picky. Look around. Not all churches are that great. Find one where you can feel the love of God as soon as you step in. Find one where the people are warm and friendly.
You say you like the darkness. I don't really believe that. I think you're just using it as a protection against getting hurt again. It also makes you feel in control, which sadly isn't true. Remember, I'm going through a lot of these same type things with my own teenage daughter so I think I can see some simularities.

I'm sorry your parents have not been understanding. Don't let that hold you back though. Find an adult that you can talk to and who will listen. Do you have an aunt or somebody you can talk to? But don't give up on your parents. Still give them a chance. They probably just don't know what to do or how to react.

Remember though, don't let ANYBODY define who you are as a person!! Except God of course, because he says he loves you more than you can imagine. He loved you enough to sacrifice himself for you. He's not shallow or fickle like some of your friends and loved ones. He is faithful, a friend who is closer than a brother. He's always there to listen and help. Don't be afraid to hope. There IS hope! You absoloutly do not have to live like this! You were meant to have a happy, fulfilling, hope filled life! You are not a helpless puppet. You can decide what you want to be and step out and live your dream. Don't let anyone try and take away your dream. It's yours! Reach out and grab it and don't let go! I believe in you. You know why? Because you have not hardened yourself to the point of no return. You do care and you do still have hope. That's why you reached out here. Hang on to that! And don't worry, things get much better after you leave high school. Trust me. You don't see that kind of drama any where else.
Just take one day at a time and try the things I suggested. And push for the counseling! Let us know how you're doing. Take care of yourself. God bless you, sweetie.
April

[Malicious]

I forgot to add sleeping problems, which is probably linked with my obesity.

[Malicious]

You know what, see what I mean! What the ****! I can’t even ask about things that are bothering me without someone saying ****?!

[Malicious]

To: Kande

I suppose I should, but it's really hard. Thanks for your reply.

To: FMXSMKR

In a lot? Hmm 'depression' about this and the other one about my confusion of religion, 'grief and loss' about the death of my grandmother because I felt like **** that I never said goodbye, and 'living with an alcoholic' about my concern for my parent's health. Oh and I posted a question about my new cat because she wasn't getting along. I’m just trying to get help from other people about things that are bothering me that I have no one to tell.

[Jade59]

You seem to have a lot of sad and tragic stories going on a lot of different forums!?!

[Jade59]

Hmmm.......

[Kande]

I know you may not want to hear this...but God made you exactly the way you are. Maybe the package has changed a little...weight gain or loss, but 95% is still his design. Now honey you are not ugly. Look at everything he has created...it is beautiful!!! Humans destroy things sometimes...litter, spray paint on beautiful buildings etc.. But are the flowers not beautiful because litter is around them? Or the building ugly because of spray paint? No the building is still beautiful and built strong...just tarnished a bit. The flowers are still beautiful...inspite of the litter around them. Now the analogy is silly and simple, but true. Don't let anyone tarnish you. No one can bring you down but you... accept yourself. You can do/be anything you want to. What other people think doesn't matter. Who sits the standards for beauty, success etc.. What makes you happy is all that matters. Live your life according to you...of course I mean being honest, thoughful, not breaking any laws. Concentrate on what you want to accomplish in life. Set goals. Focus on good thoughts. When you learn not to care what anyone thinks or get upset by the things people do you will break the chains of bondage. The freedom will feel so good, you will feel as though a ton of weight has been lifted off your back. I know this is easier said than done. You have nothing to lose by trying. Know that I do have compassion for you and don't mean to lecture you. I just want to see you happy. If you don't agree with me or think I have missed the mark , let me know. I have broad shoulders. You may need to vent more, o.k., I'am ready to help. Let me know how you feel, alright!?!  KANDE