Chronic Depression

[SoScared1018]

Hello, I have been dealing with severe depression, possible bioplar, anxiety, etc. for the past 6 years now. A couple years into my illness and right after graduating college, I was placed on disability. I am in my early 30's, and carry around a huge amount of guilt and shame. I've worked since  I was 16 and sometimes worked while going to school. I went to college to make a better life for myself, only to end up feeling like the biggest loser. I spend almost EVERY day sitting in my garage in isolation. Sometimes just going to the grocery store is too much. I have been married for 9 years, and my husband is supportive, but really doesn't know much about mental illness. He's one of those happy go lucky guys. Lately, I've been isolation myself from him as well, which is out of the norm, since we are so close. I have no friends anymore, lost all interest in everything. I have tried just about every drug out there. I've aslo tried exercise, vitamins, SHOCK TREATMENTS, church, therapy, and been in a hospital for a few days....NOTHING has helped. Sometimes I think about the worst, and feel my only way out is to take my own life. I'm so exhausted, tired of suffereing, and seeing everyone pass my by LIVING thier lives. Sometimes at night before bed, I have bad anxiety attacks just at the thought of waking up the next day reliving everything. I guess my question is: Can anyone else relate, and if so is there anything that you have done that helps?

Thanks in advance

[4Maddie44]

Sounds like the psychologist had some good suggestions.  I do hope that gave you something positive to hang on to.  

I did outpatients for quite a time, and found, like you say, gives you something positive to do and puts you in a new environment.  I attended with others.  I wonder if you will be a group, or alone.  

I do hope the new medications help.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if they did.  

I have not heard of TMS, but will look it up.  

Keep in touch and let us know how you get on.  I am so pleased you have some other options now.

[SoScared1018]

So I went and spoke to psychologist. He is going TRY ANOTHER COMBO  of meds and recommended a new therapist. He also suggest a place for me to attend during the day as an outpatient. I think that may be a good idea since it will get me out the house, in a new enviroment, and forced to socialize. Another thing he suggested is me looking into TMS treatments since I am prime canidate for it.  I had never heard of it. He told me it's fairly new and pretty expensive. I did a little research on it last night and it seems to be VERY effective. Atleast I have a few new options to think about, however TMS is not an option at the moment due to finances. So......I guess for now I will start these new meds and try the outpt program and see where it goes........

Thanks again for your support and thoughts!

[4Maddie44]

I feel for you so much.  Some people do not respond to anything, and it is so difficult to know what to advise.  You have tried so much to relieve your illoness, and I am proud of you for that.  You are really trying to help yourself.

Seems you have great support from your husband and family.  That must mean a great deal.  You are not alone.  

I do know what you mean and you are a fighter by nature.  Keep your appointment and tell them exactly how you feel, and that there must be something that can help.  

I will be thinking of you.  

[SoScared1018]

Maddie, I am glad to hear that you have control over your illness...I pray for that day for myself. I actually started doing some research on self help/workbooks. That is one thing I have't tried. I am willing to try just about anything. I want to be that motivated, social, outgoing person I once was, but an even bette version. I feel so much guilt everyday my husband walks out that door for work, and he knows I will be sitting home most of the day is misery...it has torn him apart. The guilt that gives me is undescribale. People can tell you; it's not your fault, don't blame yourself, but that still doesn't ease the guilt. My mom, brother, sister, best friend tell me that it tears them apart knowing how I used to be, and now seeing me so isolated from the world and missing out on life. I am a fighter, but my bones, mind, heart, and spirit are tired. I just want to be at peace.

Thank you for your words of encourgament.

[SoScared1018]

To answer your questions, I have done and tried just about everything. Yes, I do have a psychiatrist and also a therapist. I hardly ever go to therapy anymore as it only made me feel WORSE. I am on celexa and lamictal, but feel no relief. I have been on just about EVERY medication/combo there is. I have even tried shock treatments, and nothing. I'm not sure why my mind is not responding to anything....this is where the hopelessness comes in. Been fighting this battle for 6 years now. I actually have an appt with my psyc. tomorrow, but feel it's pointless. I have seen several different docs, but this guy is one of the best in houston and he still can't seem to get my illness under control.

Thanks for you support!

[4Maddie44]

Sorry I meant the above message for you.  Oops - I do get things wrong, but message is still the same.  FIGHT

[Lucie845]

Writing to you from experience.  Please don't isolate yourself.  If you hold all your feelings/thoughts inside the depression will only worsen.  Are you under a Dr.'s care for this and are you on medication for depression?  If not, please go to your doctor.  Take your husband with you.  Mental illness, for whatever reason, is a very serious illness.  Already you are talking about life/death!  Who would that hurt?  YOUR FAMILY!  I pray that God will wrap His loving, healing arms around you with peace that passeth all understanding.  

I will listen and be here for you.

Hugs and Many Hugs,
Lucie

[SoScared1018]

Really....and where in my comments did you come up with that ridiculous assumption?

[TedKell]

Well, looks like you want to destroy your life. It yours, go ahead.

[SoScared1018]

Can anyone suggest a good residential facility that helps with mood disorders, depression, etc. I live in texas, but would be willing to travel out of state. Also looking to find a place that takes insurace.

Thanks

[SoScared1018]

TedKell, I do agree with you to a certain extent. Before six years ago, I was a full functional, social, motivated, employed person. After graduating college I slowly starting going down hill and things just got worse. However, the point that I am at now, yes I do believe most of my downfalls are mainly HABITS. I allowed the illness to overcome me for so long, and didn't get the help I needed, that I am so used to feeling this way. I'm used to waking up everyday with the same unproductive routine, negative self talk, the way I look at myself, etc.I also agree that the meds if anything, will only get you so far...obvisiuoly they have helped me none. The ONLY thing that has ever helped is pain pills. Did those for 3 years and finally quit. Funny that you brought up a book. I am not a reader, never have been but I've been wanting to pick up a self help book/workbook.  Also looking into a residentialtal place for mental illness. I think that will help take me out of my comfort zone, and FORCE me to have a new routine and interact with ppl...and of course, therapy.

thanks for replying back

[TedKell]

You definitely can heal yourself. If not 100%, may be 90-95 %. Nobody is 100% depression/anxiety-free. Everyone is experiencing it time to time. But people like yourself drove themselves into this persisting condition. It is nothing more than pattern of thoughts that you utilized all your life and you need to work on changing those patterns. I highly  recommend REBT as described by Dr Albert Ellis. His books a widely available and inexpensive. Work every day on it. Moreover, read and study his self-help books not only on depression, but on anger, procrastination, love, and others. Many people think, this is anger, this is depression... It is not like that. These affective conditions are all intervened. And one needs to work on them in complex. Meds will not cure you. They simply hiding the symptoms. You need to work on your thoughts and if you're persistent at that, your life will change, you will fill good again. Good luck

[Bubulous]

Hi and welcome to the forum.  I am sending you a message.