I want to be me again.

[Necriasis]

Until a few minutes ago I really thought that depression was something that only women suffered from.  I am pretty sure based on all the googling I did, that I am in fact depressed.  I realize this now, and there is nothing I can do about it until Tuesday when the Dr.'s offices re-open, if I can find one accepting new patients, and if I can get in as a cash customer. (Which means going to a welfare Dr, that is going to think I only want drugs, because that’s what they are used to)  This really ***** and like most of the people that post here, I just really need someone to talk to right now.

I am a married 28 year old white male.  9 months ago I was forced to resign from my job at the Dept of Def (a great job) due to medical reasons.  I was in great shape: 34" waist and 44" chest, I mean superb physical shape.  I suffered an ingenual (sp) hernia, that became incarcerated and infected and that spread to my prostate, urinary tract, and lymph nodes in my right leg.  Me being the typical roughneck guy I ignored the pain and kept trucking until I was immobilized.  That was due to the hernia strangulating the nerve and artery in my right leg.  ( I want to clarify that I didn’t know I had the hernia, I just thought I was sore)  So I had surgery, and was down for 6 months.  That’s when everything started going downhill.  I went back to work and was too weak to perform my job, I asked for a desk job and had not been employed long enough to receive job placement ( takes 3 yrs) so I had to resign.  I lost my house, my truck, my four wheelers, my Harley’s FRIKIN EVERYTHING!!  I talked to my father and he allowed me and my family to move in with him until I got things sorted out.  Well little did I know that Shreveport La is the butthole of America.  I applied for every job I could find and nothing.  The good jobs won’t hire me because I am damaged goods, and the crap jobs like McD or 7-11 won’t hire me because I used to make too much money.  WTF!!  I never heard of that before.  I even tried to rejoin the military ( I served 8) and they won’t take me back.  So now I have been unemployed for 9 months, after selling off everything I own and am finally running out of money, I don’t qualify for unemployment of disability due to some screwed up rules regarding military and federal employees.  But enough about that, it’s pretty clear that is a jacked up situation, but that’s the main problem.  I could honestly give a damn about money anymore.  My once loving wife and son now hardly even speak to me.  

I am having imaginary pains in my back between my shoulders, no matter what I do I cannot get comfortable.  I take Motrin and Tylenol to help but it doesn’t do anything.  I can’t take pain killers because when I had my surgery I was popping 16 of the 10mg vicodin a day, and became severely addicted.  That’s not a road I want to go down again.  So as always I just suck it up and soldier on.  I have pretty much stopped eating.  I force myself to eat at least 1000 calories a  day to maintain body functions, but it just makes me feel sick.  I can’t sleep because I can’t get comfortable, I have ambien from my surgery, but when I take it I spend the first couple hours still in pain but now hallucinating.  So that’s not worth it.  This has caused me to go from an amateur body builder to a chubby guy with **** and I hate it, I hate looking in the mirror.  I have a small fat roll above my penis for god sake.  I tried working out and that just makes me feel worse because I can’t do half of stuff I used to.  Arrrrrrrrgh still not the real problem here.

[jencpn]

attend health psychology you seem depressed but due to illhealth .Due to dept of def offer counselling .you need to speak to somone before it gets worse

[remar]

These forums can be pretty slow at night and that's why no one has responded to your posts.
Yes, from reading what you've wrote, it does sound like depression. This is not the end of the world because there is treatment for it. You sound like you have situational depression. No wonder with your job loss and physical problems.
I'm glad you found this site. The people here are very caring and supportive. We're here to help any way we can.    Remar

[Necriasis]

I have smoked 12 cigs in an hour sitting here reading the forums, just praying someone would read and respond.  That someone else out there knows what this is like.  That I am not the only one who feels like this. I guess it is just too late, but i cant sleep and everyone here is asleep.  I am so utterly alone.....

[Necriasis]

I seriously don’t know how to get through.  I tried smoking marijuana (I don’t consider MJ a drug) and it was great as long as I was high.  I mean seriously life seemed really ok.  It seemed that way. It wasn’t, I just didn’t care that everything was terrible.  I woke up one day and realized all that and stopped.  But now I have nothing to replace it with.  I won’t take any drugs, and I really hate drinking.  But nothing is fun, nothing is enjoyable, everything about my life is sad and pathetic.  But I won’t go back to marijuana.  It’s just a cover up.

Please someone tell me I am not the only guy out there with this problem.  Tell me I am not just the incredible ******* hulk, or some dr Jekyll rip-off.  I used to be a nice guy, loving husband, and a decent dad.  I wasn’t ever great at those things, but I wasn’t the raging *** I am now.  I thought that knowing I was doing these things I would be able to control it but I can’t.  I am just not me anymore.  I want to look at my wife and feel that warm fuzzy feeling, and not like I destroyed my body for 10 years  for a ***** that won’t talk to me.  I want to play catch with my son, and not just snap at him to pick up his legos.  I just want to be a nice guy again.
I apologize for the swearing, but I don’t know any other way to voice my feelings.

[Necriasis]

As I mentioned earlier I am married and have an 8yo son.  They used to be my whole world, note that I said USED TO BE.  Before I go any further I want to state that I have never physically abused either of them.  However I am such an ******* now that they don’t even talk to me.  My son is terrified of me because every little thing he does causes me to become angry.  Example:  I was sitting on the front porch with my wife drinking a beer, not talking one bit.  My wife says she is going to go get my son so he can ride his bike on the sidewalk in front of the house.  I don’t know why but this angered me.  Then my son came outside in Flip Flops to ride his bike.  I don’t know how y’all are with your kids, but I don’t take any unnecessary risks with my kid.  So flip flops while riding a bike is a no-no.  ( my wife says I am horrible overbearing on my son)  I tell my son to go get socks and shoes on, and he does what any little kid does and asks why.  Immediately I am just enraged and tell him because I F___ing said so.  I know that’s terrible but it just came out.  I spent the next four hours on the back porch alone just seething about every single thing that has happened over the last year now.  I feel something terrible brewing inside me.  All I can do is clench every single muscle in my body to the point of exhaustion.  I am so scared of what I am gonna do.  I know I won’t hurt my wife or son, but god help anyone else that annoys me right now.  All I want to do is hurt something so that it can feel what I feel inside.  
My wife just plain avoids me now.  I don’t every yell because I don’t want my kid to see/hear it.  But I snap at her over everything, and I make everything out to be her fault.  Like if I don’t have a towel or underwear when I get out of the shower, of if she falls asleep before the dished are done.  I mean everything.  We haven’t slept in the same bed for a week now.  She says she just falls asleep on the couch, or I fell asleep on the couch and she doesn’t want to wake me.  ( She is terrified to wake me because when I wake up I come up fighting, but have managed never to hit her)  I have dreams now where people are hurting me and I wake up thinking its real and start fighting.  I woke up to her yelling at me last week, because I was dreaming our house was being robbed and I kicked the guy and proceeded to beat him to a pulp.  She said that I kicked the **** out of her and then grabbed her by the neck and started punching the pillow.  I don’t remember any of this, and hearing it just makes me feel awful.
I do not want to lose my family.  But I think they are much better off w/o me now.  I’m not going to lie to you, I have a 750k Life Insurance policy that I think is more useful than I am.  I have sat down and tried to plan how to make it look like an accident.  Like walk out in front of a truck or something.  It really doesn’t sound that hard.  I sleep with a .40 pistol next to my bed, I stare at it at night.  But I can’t do it for two reasons.  First I am a man of faith, and everything faith has taught me is suicide is bad.  So not only would my physical life had sucked but now I would be forced to spend eternity being looked at worse than a child molester, and I hate child molesters.  Second, Insurance won’t pay for suicide.  So now not only does my son not have a father and my wife is sleeping with some other dude, they are broke.  Not happening.