I want to die.

[MissMess]

I'm 15, and really, there is nothing ALL THAT WRONG with my life. My parents are ok, I have some friends. But I am so desperate. I can't sleep at night, I've stopped all the activities I used to like. I dropped out of school, I was failing anyways because I couldn't find the strength to open schoolbooks. I used to be good at school. I didn't cry and then start laughing out of nowhere everyday. For no reason. And yet I seem so happy to everyone, I am happy and jumpy and energetic and talk like a train around people. Then I come home and just want to die. I harm myself in any way I know. I used to cut myself but then my parents found out- I'm seeing a psychologist now. I bang my wrists against hard surfaces. I smoke just because I know it's bad for me. I drink every time I can and end up doing stupid things. I want to kill myself so bad, and yet I don't want to die. Death scares me. I don't believe in god. I dont believe in the existence of love. I don't believe in people. Some days I'm just crazy energetic and some others I lie in bed all the time, hugging my pillow and crying for all of it to go away. My moods are crazy. One second I'll just start crying with no reason, or get the urge to call my frineds to go out. It all hurts so bad.
Why should I want to live?
What is the REAL reason for suicide to be wrong?
What if there's nothing to live for?
I just want to drink and **** and do drugs and kill my brain and pretend I'm happy.

[LeftCoastChick]

What you are describing are common symptoms of all forms of bipolar. Innapropriate giggling and feeling high is called Hypomania.  It's odd your doctor hasn't followed through the standard DSM-IVr, which has a huge list of criteria for disorders. Is s/he a psychiatrist or psychologist?  I would honestly get a second opinion. Until you get a diagnosis, you aren't going to be properly medically treated. Mood disorders though called  mental disorders, are generally caused by chemical imbalances.  There are no cures, but you can get stable. It's not easy, I get frustrated, for a couple of days I'll be just fine, then I might get a bit of hypo then my moods drop the next day, but I'm bouncing back from the depressive episode faster. The meds I'm on are a cocktail, but they work better then when I was only on two when I was diagnosed solely with depression. It's not always fun, but I'm an active participant in my path of wellness. You can too!

[lozzdog]

To tell you the truth i know how you feel. I spent a whole year taking drugs drinking and having sex with people who didnt care about me. even after treatment i still can sit on my own and wish to god that I would die. Hope that the next day when i get out of bed and leave the house that i get hit my car and end it all. I get so depressed that i convince myself that my friends dont like me because I am the sad depressed friend which is ******** and then when i am around that them i act sad and pathetic because I have done my own headin. Yourself is your worst enemy

[MissMess]

I'm feeling a bit better lately- well actually I've been kind of...hysterical. But still...suicide thoughts have reduced a lot, and although I get kind of scared by myself lately (I feel like I'm high on something: I started giggling when I saw this woman die in my grandma's hospital room), I guess it's better. My psych says that he want's to concentrate on my self-defense mechanisms and not in finding out if I fit a label. One side of me thinks he's right, but I have this feeling that I need a cure now, and we can work on the deeper mechanisms later, because I don't know how much longer I'll be willing to fight. I told him that and we are going to start doing some tests, like free association and Rorscach's.
Is this how you get diagnosed with something? through these kind of tests or by analysing sympthoms? Through which procedures did you get diagnosed? (No need to answer if it's too personal, again. Sorry if I ask these kind of questions, I just want to understand what's happening)

[LeftCoastChick]

Sorry I didn't answer you earlier, I've been at a conference for the last 4 days.

I was diagnosed Bipolar Spectrum or BP2, they still aren't sure which.  My moods went up and down like a swing, and it was hourly. I was suicidal for days at a time, but I knew I didn't want to die, but it was like a fixation. When I went into hospital, I was seriously anxious AND suicidal at the same time. It was physically painful to feel that way. Though I was shocked(understatement) with the diagnosis, I'm calmer, happier and more centered then I have been in over 10yrs. I was diagnosed at 16 but because I had such a bad psychiatrist, who was only one of two in my home town, I didn't believe him. He later lost his license due to malpractise, and I was one of the complainents, due to being massively overly medicated. So I was manic from the age of 18-29yrs old.  I was in different levels of depression even with meds after that. I'm 40 now, and am only finding peace in my life. The meds work and I have a life :)

I hate seeing folks whom are suffering so badly, knowing that there is help out there and feeling better is a possibility.  Personally, a psychologist did nothing for me. My issues are chemical in nature, and all the talking in the world won't keep me balanced. Though it's great to have support in order to be part of your own wellness, I got that through my psychiatrist and a support group.

I tried to commit suicide when I was 28 and I almost suceeded. This act traumatized the few folks in my life. I isolated myself and thought no one would miss me.  I was very wrong in every way.  I actually lost a couple of friends because of my attempt because they were so hurt, and I understand why. So please, suicide is no way to go. It does get better, I'm living proof that it can.

[MissMess]

I'm sorry about your hand. And i don't say that they won't miss me, just that it would be better for them without me. I'm working on this suicide thing with my psychologist right now. And maybe yes, they are bad people, for never noticing just how low I've fallen.

[nart]

hoobastank.........sorry