I'm feeling a tremendous amount of guilt

[Oblivion656]

About my cat dying. It's not just because my cat died. But it's because I realized I didn't spend enough time with her as I should have. And I grew up with this cat. This isn't your ordinary cat, that all she does is eat and sleep and likes to be alone. This cat is people person cat. She doesn't think of herself as a cat, she thinks of herself as a human. And she personally loves me. I had this cat for 19 years. Toward the end of her life, I still pet her and stuff. But when I usually became a private person and I stopped having her in my room. When I grew up, I didn't have a door to my room. When I moved to another home, I still let her in my room and stuff, maybe as not as often. She would paw under the door to get in.

Towards the last couple of years, she didn't try much to get my room that much. I still let her in once in a while if I recall. But she realized probably that I didn't want her in her room all that much. It's like when you grow older you get a bit colder, I guess?

Anyways, last week Wednesday, she cried at my door to get in. I let her in, and I had her on my bed. For only about 2 hours. Then I let her go, out of my room. Thursday came she cried at my door, but I was sleeping, so I wasn't in any mood to let her in. Anyways, Thursday afternoon I saw the her on the couch. Then later on at night, I still saw her at the couch. I noticed she wasn't moving.

And I thought it was because the other cat was groomed and she had a different smell. So I thought she was stressed because of that. Anyways, I went to check on her again, and she was hiding. I knew something maybe wrong and she might be sick, so I took her to her dish bowl to see if she would drink some water. She drank some water. She wouldn't eat any food. I thought the cat maybe stressed. The next day I still saw her hiding. That's when I knew she was sick, my father took her to the vet. And I couldn't go with him for some reason. I wanted to.

Anyways, I guess I didn't want to face reality, that she was probably dead. Yeah, she died. All her internal organs were failing, she was just dying. She weighed 5 pounds. They had to sedate her to end her suffering. She also had a tumor under her belly.

I feel tremendously horrible, that I didn't spend a lot more time with her than I should have, or at least had a time period with her before she died. I would have stayed longer with her on Wednesday (the whole day or as long as she wanted me to). I should have taken her to vet for check up. I mean this cat, she loved me. And cats don't care about possessions, they aren't judgmental like human beings are. They just want the basic essentials out of life, water, food. And your love. But I didn't show her enough of this back. I forget that my cat could die, because I had her so long, I was in denial even though I knew she was sick from time to time. And the thought never occurred to me I should spend more time with her.

She didn't want to be alone, and at the very least I should have spent time with her near the end of her 3 days of living. I don't know why my brain didn't form this thought. I could have had her on my bed. I was worried if I had her on my bed, then she couldn't go out of room to get her dish bowl. Maybe I didn't think she was dying. I don't know.

Not only that, I feel that I should have spent way more time with her in the past 3 years that I did. People keep telling me, she had a good life and she lived long as she did because she was so lucky to have me as a pet owner. But I failed her near the end. This guilt is killing me. I know she was waiting for me in heaven. But I have this tremendous amount of guilt. I can't shake it, and knowing what kind of a person I am. I won't get over this, because I don't want to get over it.

I still didn't ignore my cat, I still pet her, I know she loved me unconditionally. But I just did a horrible job at the end. I don't think I'll ever feel happy again, after her. And I even got a new kitten that almost looks like her. But I feel tremendous amount of guilt sharing with this new kitten that I didn't show near the end of my other cat's life.

I don't know what kind of advice I want, I don't think there is a fix for this my mind. Because I know cats can get depressed also. And I'm thinking I know she that loved me, and my family. But what if she thought that I lost interest in her near the end of her life? All these questions, and negative thoughts keep popping in my head.

Things like also, maybe I should die now, to be with my cat. Questions about death and stuff. I keep telling myself, I wasn't cold to my cat, I spent 2 hours with her on Wednesday when she was crying to come in. I let her in, I let her in. I should have taken her to a vet. A cat doesn't get caught up in obsessions such as playing video games all the time, etc. She wants love. And I know I could have done a better job. And don't say just because she is old, she wants to sleep all the time, so it's okay. The cat personally wanted to be with during the end of her life. And that scares me that I went cold.

[nursegirl6572]

I'm not sure really what to tell you.  I think you are very much overthinking and overanalyzing this situation.  I think your cat died, a pet you loved very much, and you feel very sad...I think that's all super normal.  It's also normal to have regrets, as I was trying to explain with my own story.  I had regrets as I didn't do everything I maybe could have to ensure the safety of my dog.  Of course they are different situations, but the emotions were the same.

I think maybe some therapy may help you work through these intense feelings you're having.


"I can't believe after all the examples I gave you girls, you still think the cat can't show no love, can't get depressed, can't get scared or worried."

To clarify, no one said all of the above.  We're trying to say that you're projecting human cognitive abilities onto a cat.  You're taking a lot out of context when it comes to your cat and making a lot of assumptions.  Even if you're 100% right, you're making assumptions about the way she felt and was thinking...and you'll never be able to KNOW that for sure, so you shouldn't allow those assumptions to distress you so much was the point.

Best of luck to you.

[Oblivion656]

I felt I became cold to my cat near the end of her lifespan. Like I just went through the motions of having a cat. My emotions dulled out. And I just think about my cat roaming around the house, feeling sad. And finally just dying, sad. But I know that's not true, every time I was eating out in the living room, she came to me, wanted to be fed. And I fed her human food, she has to remember that. And I petted her.

I feel really horrible. I'm just trying to convince myself that isn't true. I was with her 2 hours on Wednesday. She hanged out in the bathroom during the winter, near the vent. I still petted her. I still loved her.

I wake up and just feel depressed and scared of myself. Like deep down I might think that I'm glad she died, so I don't have to clean up puke. Or like she was just a chore to me, now having the cat. But I know that's not true. I loved her. I hate cleaning up puke, but that's what you got to do, and the other cat puked a lot too. I know they are sick when they puke.

I wish the thought would enter my brain, if she is near death. Then I need to spend some serious time with her. There was times were I did spend with my cat. I'm going to spend some time with my cat now. There were times when she wanted to enter my room. She was lonely and I didn't let her in. I had a close door policy of my cat not coming into my room. But I did sometimes anyways.

I know there were times when I did let my cat in, I wanted her on my bed, but sometimes after a little while, she would go under my bed. So I didn't want her in my room. Some times she didn't. And some times, when she was in my room, for a while, she wanted to go out quickly.

I know she loved me unconditionally. I spent time with her. I went on the couch. I waited for her to come to me, so I could pet her. I spent 2 hours with her on Wednesday, I did let her in my room. I did still care about her.

But my mind didn't produce this thought before she died "hey, if this cat is old and dying, I should give her some extra attention as possible" "Make sure to spend quality time with your cat"

That's what bothers me the most. I know she loved me, she loved my family.

"We're trying to say that you're projecting human cognitive abilities onto a cat."

Well, I did say for a moment I thought a cat could hold something against me. But other than that. Cat's can remember. I don't know why you said they don't remember. They can remember certain signals. They remember what you look like. I do appreciate you confirming that cat's have important emotions also.

Life is a little more important than "MYoungAtHeart" statement saying oh human nature is human nature and cat nature is cat nature. And that I should only reward myself or please myself. No, I did show love to my cat. Not to just please myself! But to please her, as well. Make her happy in her environment. Happy to be with me. She wasn't just for my amusement.

[nursegirl6572]

You're reading more into what we've said and misinterpreting our statements I'm afraid.  You're stuck inside your head on this, way overthinking and overanalyzing everything, to the point of making yourself feel much worse.  I would suggest you seek some professional help, to work through this.

I'm sure you were a perfectly fine cat parent.  No one is perfect.  Could there have been things you feel (for yourself) that you could have done better?  Yes, maybe so....but I don't think your cat suffered any kind of emotional neglect, as you're indicating.  You describe a perfectly normal human-pet relationship.  

Just one example...you having the thought, "boy am I glad I don't have to clean up cat puke" is a normal thought process that you're trying to twist into "I'm glad my cat is gone".  Not the case.  Again, an example of you overthinking the situation and your own thought process.  Your thought process is very similar to someone who has OCD.  That kind of anxiety can be very distressing...and you're already grieving.  I hate to see you unnecessarily making this worse for yourself.

Maybe you could discuss this with your father, or the vet?  Maybe they could offer you some reassurance that there wasn't anything you did (or didn't do) wrong?

Hope you get yourself some help if these kinds of thoughts don't ease up for you.   You had 19 long years with your cat, be grateful and thankful for that.  THAT is what you should be concentrating on.  

[Oblivion656]

I was a great fine cat parent. Problem was I wasn't an extra special loving person to my cat near the end of her life span. Maybe because I was partly a private person that stayed in my room too much. I mean if I did spend more time in my living room at least, instead of my room. It would be automatic, because then the cat would come to me more. What I did do was let my cat in my room 2 weeks on Wednesday. And if I knew she was dying, I would have stayed with her longer. And also, I shouldn't just do that because she is dying. I should have done more attention, because she is my cat and I love her. And I want to have her feel special. I mean I wasn't even working. I had plenty of time for her. The most amount of time I spent with her every night, is when she came up to me in the dining room at night. And I fed her. I'm a night person now. So maybe I was extra special loving, enough.

When I was a kid, I didn't have my own room, I shared a room. So I spent a lot a time with my cat and loved her. What I'm saying about cat puke is, yeah you don't really want to clean it up. But you got to do it. Now to make sure I thought that statement, I would be glad my cat would be gone, so I would not have to clean it up. That is a dumb statement I said. I'll admit.

I did talk to my father about this. He said, the cat is old. But that is no excuse not to love your cat the same. My father said she slept a lot too. And the cat lived a long healthy life. And she was lucky to have me as a pet owner. And she is heaven now, probably drinking out of a meadow right now. He also told me, no my cat wasn't mad at me at all(of course I realize that also, of course not). He doesn't feel guilty at all. He also said my guilt would go away. I don't know how there isn't a bit of guilt there. We should have taken her to the vet, this year, or last year. It probably wouldn't have helped, but at least I would have a time frame to know she was dying.

I could have managed my time better. I mean you could watch tv with a cat. Play video games, heck you can devote your total attention to a cat for at least 1 to 2 hour a day for her. I'm not sure I did that.

So I have two problems here:

1. The thought never entered my head, or no one told me. Hey, your cat is getting older, make sure you spend some extra time with her.

2. I gave her , her best years of her life and made her very happy to live in our household. My brain froze, it didn't realize she could die. I would have let her in my room a lot more. Done more. I feel so guilty. And I'm trying to recall in my head what was the total time I spent with her. And battling this in my mind.

I'm not misinterpreting anything. MYoungAtHeart's statement was a self pleasing statement. After all, this is one of the most important things in life, is love. And that is rewarding.

But you are right, I am over analyzing this. Perhaps there is more to it, then losing her, and the guilt. Perhaps there is something else going on here. But this is one of the biggest mistakes of my life. But even then, I know my cat still loves me, and I loved her unconditionally. And we came together, we didn't ignore each other. She died so fast.

I'm not sure what professional help will do. Perhaps a part of me died along with her. Perhaps I was happier when I was a child and a kid then. Maybe that is part of the equation, as well. But I know 100% sure, if I could take it back and spent some extra time with her, and record video footage. And I took the guilt away from the equation. I wouldn't be feeling as bad as I do now.

Facts:
1. I loved my cat.
2. My cat loves me back.
3. She was a very happy cat.
4. She was more than a cat that just ate and drank water. She was a cat that loved people, loved me especially. Loved being around me. Doesn't judge me, she just wanted my love. There are times when she can get sad, lonely.
5. If she was alive today, and I went up to her pet her today, she just loves it.
6. If I sit on the other side of the couch, she would come up to me, meaning she is a loving cat that loves me like a person.
7. She doesn't hold it against me, the amount of time, I didn't spend with her. Even not having my door open for her. And the time I did come out, she just enjoyed watching and was happy just seeing me around. And I did pet her. And rolled my face against her fur.
8. She had my family as well, to be around. So anything she didn't get from me, she got from them.
9. She loved my family, but I was special to her , personally.
10. She may have gotten a little unhappy , there was a time she puked at my door, she wanted to come in. Sometimes I didn't let her in.
11.  She didn't ask much to get in my room anymore, because maybe she I thought I didn't let her in anymore. Which is a false fact, because she tried  two weeks on Wednesday, and I actually let her in, and I spent time with her on my bed.
12. I would be out later in the dining room for her.
13. There were times when she was unhappy, because she wanted to come in my room. But after those times, I did spend some time with her, anyways, then she was happy again. Could have I made her more happy, yes? By giving her more attention. But I don't think cats forget all those other years I grew up with her. So she has unconditonal love for me. Defining happy, she was always happy, but there could have been brief periods of sadness, for her.
14. Just because I don't spend lots of lots of time with her, doesn't mean she is always sad when I don't. Maybe because her old age and sickness, brings on her wanting to be with someone. So later on, when I was available, that helped her. Granted I was with her, but she may have needed more.
15. I made a mistake, I'm only a human, I forget about love(extra caring I mean because I still loved her). And being extra special loving to my cat. But she is in a better place now. And her creator is watching over her for me. When I get there, she will recognize me. And lick me, and welcome me. And I will redeem myself with this mistake. And this time she will be healthy forever. Ultimately I will honor the creator the most.

If I can concentrate on these facts the most, maybe I will be alright. Maybe I will ask a vet about this stuff. But I'm not too comfortable going up to strangers and asking about this sort of thing.

[Oblivion656]

Correct some grammar mistakes:

What I did do was let my cat in my room, 2 weeks ago on Wednesday. For 2 hours.


When I was a kid, I didn't have my own room, I shared a room. So I spent a lot a time with my cat and loved her. What I'm saying about cat puke is, yeah you don't really want to clean it up. But you got to do it. Now to make sure I never thought that statement at all, I never even said I would be glad that my cat would be gone because of her puke. That is a dumb statement I said. I'll admit. I was just worried, what if I had. That is not true at all.

[nursegirl6572]

Hey, I just wanted to share something with you, as I thought about you right away yesterday.

We had an indoor/outdoor cat named Peanut.  He always came in at night and always came in for feeding time.  Sunday into Monday, he disappeared.  We had been looking everywhere for him.  My husband mentioned to me over the weekend that he hadn't been eating as much as usual, and I kind of shrugged it off, as he was a big hunter, so he didn't always eat every day.  I DID think when he told me that that I noticed he was doing some things a little out of the ordinary for him, like hanging out on the front porch versus the back patio.  By the time I thought hard about it, he was nowhere around, and while outdoor cats certainly have a habit of going on adventures, Peanut didn't really do that anymore, he stayed closer to home.  I just had a feeling in my gut that something wasn't right.

We found him deceased yesterday under the front porch.  He looked like he was just sleeping.  Now I'm plagued with all of the "what if" questions.  "What if I had watched him more closely?"  "What if I could have gotten him to the vet?"...and then of course, I remembered all of the times I shooed him away when he was being a pain, when I wasn't in the mood, wishing I could have those moments back to show him to love and affection he was looking for.

So, sweetie, I get it.  It's kind of ironic that this happened to me, right after I had been conversing with you about your situation.  I want you to understand that I too have a lot of regrets, and all of those same feelings, BUT even in my grief and sadness I know a few things.....

That ONE, I cannot change that he's gone.  TWO, while I may not have been the most perfect cat Mom, I know that most of the time, I gave him everything he needed and then some.  I know he was happy and lived a full life.  I don't feel at all that he would have been upset with me in those moments when I couldn't be bothered to give him a little pet...because there were plenty of other moments when I did.  Plus, like cats typically do, he sought attention mostly on HIS terms.  If HE wasn't in the mood and I sought him out for some QT, he would take off.  So, in reverse, *I* certainly don't have any negative feelings toward him for that..it just is what it is.

I just want you to know that I'm faced with the exact same emotions now.  I too am feeling sad because my cat is gone, and of COURSE, as a human, I have regrets.  We wouldn't be good people if we didn't constantly evaluate and reevaluate situations to see how we could have done better.  

But you better believe that even when we didn't always do right by our cats, they knew they were loved, and they knew we kept them safe, and fed.  I'm going to try to replace my "what if" thoughts with happier thoughts.  Were going to make a photo collage of Peanut to hang up, and I've changed my pc wallpaper to a picture of him.  Please know that I understand how you feel....just don't continue to torture yourself about all of the details okay?  You need to get out of your head on this a little bit.

Thinking of you....and I'm so in your shoes right now, which stinks, but one of the first things I thought of last night was that I wanted to share this with you.  I think it's important for you to realize that what you're feeling is normal, and that it's normal to have regrets.  That doesn't mean in ANY way that you didn't do right by your cat.  You have to stop thinking that way sweetie.

You HAVE to let the guilt go.  If you were a mean person, and abused her, or didn't feed her, and she starved to death, oh boy...you would have a reason to feel guilty.  But because you may have fallen short in your eyes with affection and time...that's not a reason to feel guilty.  We ALL get stuck in life and daily routines and we DONT normally think that our pets could die.  We do absolutely take for granted when they're here, but we do that with people too.  That IS human nature.  None of that makes you a bad person and I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about.  I'm living it too and understand the feelings of regret, but I also can understand that it's a normal emotion and doesn't mean I didn't do wrong by my dear cat.