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Is there a way out of this feeling?
Hello to you all at MedHelp.org. I'm new here, so let me start by briefly introducing myself. My name is Lewis, I'm a 20-year-old male from Wales, in the UK.
OK, so down to business. For the last year and a half / two years, I've been very down. My grandfather died, and my Mother moved out, all within a few months of each other. I was left with a house to cope with, so I had to go and find a job. Luckily, I found a very good one, at a very well-known firm. But still, this was no consolation at the time. I started having big problems sleeping. I'd be lucky if I got four hours sleep a night. I would just be lying in my bed, worrying about things; thinking about things. Silly things. Any things. When I would tell myself not to be so silly, and to go to sleep, this did no good. Then, about a year ago, I started getting less sleep, averaging two and a half to three hours' sleep a night. For a week, I slept for eight hours straight, and I thought it was finally over with, but then it was back to two and a hal hours a night. It started to show in my work, and with my friends. I was taking more and more half-days / days off work. My general mood was down. I started to withdraw myself from any sort of social occasion, prefering the emptiness of my house to the company of my friends. I began to have the feeling that whenever I went out, people were looking at me. That they were laughing at me. That, when I turned to look at them, and ask them what was going on, they pretended to not be concerned with me, but my mind was telling me they were. I got very bitter with certain colleagues at work that I was once good friends with, because I felt they were mocking me behind my back. I constantly had feelings of being a failure: to my boss, to my late grandfather, to my grandmother, to my Mother, to my friends. Everything I seemed to do was a diappointment to everyone I knew. I started thinking that the world would be better without me.
Then, driving home from work one day in torrential rain, I saw a car-crash. The car travelling directly infront of me lost control. We were in the slow lane of a motorway. His car spun 180 degrees, and moved into the central lane, just missing me as he went. I looked at the car as it drove past me in the wrong direction, heading into heavy traffic, all travelling at speeds in excess of 70mph. I remember seeing the look on his face as his car carreered past mine. It was one of confusion. One of horror. One of a man knowing that he was going to die. I looked in my wind mirror, to see his car get hit by three other cars, and roll onto the hard shoulder. I keep seeing his face, even to this day. I wake up in cold sweats, seeing his face. I can't help but think that he was someone's son. Someone's brother. Someone's husband. Someone's father. It was so unfair. Why wasn't it me? Nobosy would have missed me. Why did I survive, and he didn't?
Ever more, I got the feeling that I couldn't cope with life, and still feel this way. It's all getting too much for me, and I don't know who to turn to. I used to have a really close friend who I could talk to, but her marriage is now falling apart, so we don't talk as much, and when we do, I feel guilty about talking about my problems.
I've booked to go and see my doctor twice before, but bailed at the last minute, for fear that he'll laugh at me, and tell me to leave, and stop wasting his time. But I've booked again (the appointment is on November 7th), and think I need to keep it this time.
I'm just looking for your opinion. Is there a way out? Do you think I'll be classed as depressed?
OK, so down to business. For the last year and a half / two years, I've been very down. My grandfather died, and my Mother moved out, all within a few months of each other. I was left with a house to cope with, so I had to go and find a job. Luckily, I found a very good one, at a very well-known firm. But still, this was no consolation at the time. I started having big problems sleeping. I'd be lucky if I got four hours sleep a night. I would just be lying in my bed, worrying about things; thinking about things. Silly things. Any things. When I would tell myself not to be so silly, and to go to sleep, this did no good. Then, about a year ago, I started getting less sleep, averaging two and a half to three hours' sleep a night. For a week, I slept for eight hours straight, and I thought it was finally over with, but then it was back to two and a hal hours a night. It started to show in my work, and with my friends. I was taking more and more half-days / days off work. My general mood was down. I started to withdraw myself from any sort of social occasion, prefering the emptiness of my house to the company of my friends. I began to have the feeling that whenever I went out, people were looking at me. That they were laughing at me. That, when I turned to look at them, and ask them what was going on, they pretended to not be concerned with me, but my mind was telling me they were. I got very bitter with certain colleagues at work that I was once good friends with, because I felt they were mocking me behind my back. I constantly had feelings of being a failure: to my boss, to my late grandfather, to my grandmother, to my Mother, to my friends. Everything I seemed to do was a diappointment to everyone I knew. I started thinking that the world would be better without me.
Then, driving home from work one day in torrential rain, I saw a car-crash. The car travelling directly infront of me lost control. We were in the slow lane of a motorway. His car spun 180 degrees, and moved into the central lane, just missing me as he went. I looked at the car as it drove past me in the wrong direction, heading into heavy traffic, all travelling at speeds in excess of 70mph. I remember seeing the look on his face as his car carreered past mine. It was one of confusion. One of horror. One of a man knowing that he was going to die. I looked in my wind mirror, to see his car get hit by three other cars, and roll onto the hard shoulder. I keep seeing his face, even to this day. I wake up in cold sweats, seeing his face. I can't help but think that he was someone's son. Someone's brother. Someone's husband. Someone's father. It was so unfair. Why wasn't it me? Nobosy would have missed me. Why did I survive, and he didn't?
Ever more, I got the feeling that I couldn't cope with life, and still feel this way. It's all getting too much for me, and I don't know who to turn to. I used to have a really close friend who I could talk to, but her marriage is now falling apart, so we don't talk as much, and when we do, I feel guilty about talking about my problems.
I've booked to go and see my doctor twice before, but bailed at the last minute, for fear that he'll laugh at me, and tell me to leave, and stop wasting his time. But I've booked again (the appointment is on November 7th), and think I need to keep it this time.
I'm just looking for your opinion. Is there a way out? Do you think I'll be classed as depressed?
Hi Ruben88. My name is Kim and I am from the Connecticut in the United States. What it sounds like to me is that you are what they call "clinically depressed". I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I was diagnosed with it a couple of times. It's from things that happen in your life and having no-one to chat with about it.
I went to a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. In other words, a counselor. She was there to listen and asked questions and helped me work things out.
My probems were a bit different than yours since my mum had committed suicide in 1973, and I had never really recovered. I was only 18 when that happened. Then I ended up in an abusive relationship, and felt GUILT about everything.
I presently talk to the Lord about my problems, or someone who is with Christ. But if that's not your "cup of tea", I would go and see a counselor. It really helped me!
Good luck to ya!
Take care,
Kim
I went to a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. In other words, a counselor. She was there to listen and asked questions and helped me work things out.
My probems were a bit different than yours since my mum had committed suicide in 1973, and I had never really recovered. I was only 18 when that happened. Then I ended up in an abusive relationship, and felt GUILT about everything.
I presently talk to the Lord about my problems, or someone who is with Christ. But if that's not your "cup of tea", I would go and see a counselor. It really helped me!
Good luck to ya!
Take care,
Kim
hi i am from wales to and my mum died last august, please dont be scared to see the doctor. i have resantly be put on depreshion tablets and tablets at night to help me sleep. you are going through exactly what i was going through still am but a bite better now the tablets are getting in my sisyem. the doctor will not laugh at you or judge you they will help you. it got so bad with me that i can,t go out anymore unless i have my husband with me. but i am working on getting better, you have already made the first move but talking to us. please see the doctor. i will be here if you need to talk.
Hi, I am glad that you wrote before it is too late. According to the medical symptoms book, I can't remember the name of the book right now, based on your descriptions you sure sound like you are in a depression. You need help. You have gone through a lot. It is common to grieve the loss of loved ones, especially those who are very close to you. However, without the support of family and close friends, life becomes very difficult. You are left to grieve alone. The sadness festers inside you and the world around you begins to look cold and bleak. Yes, there is a way out of this. Definitely. I have worked as a nurse in a psychiatric hospital for 25 years and I have seen lots similar to your case and what your are feeling can be fixed. You MUST keep the November 7 appointment.
In the mean time, try to eat right, do some exercises, stretching, running on the spot, or do some deep breathing relaxation techniques to improve your sleep, and do what gives you enjoyment to tide you over until your appointment.
Being self conscious is part of the symptoms that you have in a depression. Be reassured that other people are not laughing at you or talking about you. It might look like they were. Most of all, the doctor you are going to see will not laugh at you. I have worked with wonderful doctors and they are always very sympathetic to clients with similar plights. some of these doctors have relatives or loved ones or even themselves suffering from depression and are receiving ongoing help.
Please continue to write.
Pauline
In the mean time, try to eat right, do some exercises, stretching, running on the spot, or do some deep breathing relaxation techniques to improve your sleep, and do what gives you enjoyment to tide you over until your appointment.
Being self conscious is part of the symptoms that you have in a depression. Be reassured that other people are not laughing at you or talking about you. It might look like they were. Most of all, the doctor you are going to see will not laugh at you. I have worked with wonderful doctors and they are always very sympathetic to clients with similar plights. some of these doctors have relatives or loved ones or even themselves suffering from depression and are receiving ongoing help.
Please continue to write.
Pauline
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