This is a tough one. Sadness and disappointment aren't a mental illness. They aren't depression. But there might be something going on with you that got you stuck in this job in the first place, but I have no way of knowing that as I don't know you or your experience. If everyone who was unhappy because of their job was determined by that fact to be mentally ill most of the population would be that way. The only way out is if you have a ton of motivation. It might mean more education, taking some risks, changing your profession altogether, and that's very hard when you're responsible for a child's welfare. You're not going to drink yourself out of this, of course, and no medication will make you like being stuck. You might not notice it as much, but noticing it is how we get out of being stuck. Wish there was more help here, but keep fighting for what you want. In the meantime, you're earning enough to feed yourself and your child and that's something until you find your niche.
Ah, sweetie, I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time. Depression is so hard to deal with especially when you do have other responsibilities like you do. I'm really sorry. So, I will say this and I am sure you know this and I'm not trying to lump on to how you are feeling. But the half a bottle of wine a night to numb out is unhealthy. That's self medicating and exactly how alcoholism starts. Most alcoholics or those with addictions in general start like that and it is a progressive disease. The last thing you want to pile on dealing with is an addiction problem, especially with your kids.
I'm a woman and understand about weight gain. But, honey. Oh my oh my, gaining some weight is far and away much preferable to eventual consequences of drinking. And while you say it 'always' makes you gain weight . . . there are lots of choices of medication these days. Lots of dosage options. And since you have this information, you can preemptively work to maintain weight (watching caloric intake, working out, etc. Often weight gain even with antidepressants consists of eating changes as eating is so often involved in our mental health. I'm sometimes not able to eat when anxious and over eat to self soothe and comfort when feeling down, what can I say?). If your kids are depending on you though and you are so unhappy, it may just be a necessary thing for the time being. A little extra weight helps the wrinkles too I've found. :>) But honestly, if you work with your doctor with that specific concern in mind, perhaps you'll have a better outcome this time around with regards to medication. AND, there is therapy to add on. If not on medication and feeling like this, a good psychologist can also be worth a million bucks. Life style things can help . . . get out and exercise several times a week and it is mood lifting. Do it with your kids. I have a son who loves soccer and wants me to play with him. I'm panting and out of breath so know my heart rate is up . . . it's exercise. Ride bikes with them. Swim with them, etc. (ideas if you don't have time to just go do something on your own because of kids). My kids even walk with me when that's all I want to do. They call it "keep mom's heart health walk", I kid you not.
I'm also sorry about your partner and the relationship issues and maybe that is why you are fearing gaining weight so much? But the nightly wine will backfire, hon. How old are your kiddos?
Also, while THAT job you wanted seemed great . . . who knows. And there are other jobs out there. What I would seek as a mom in my career is a steady, good income and job duties that worked for caring for my kids. But that is me. I have to wonder if the focusing on job and a change isn't also about just wanting to get a new start. You can still job seek and get a new start whether you change jobs or not.
It will all work out.
Well, in terms of the text messages . . . stop sending them period to your partner. He's, I guess, not wanting to be a dumping ground for your unhappiness. What about a journal to get it out and release the emotion? What about a good kick boxing class and you can pound out your frustrations. :>)
It's time for some change. Yes, call the doctor. See a therapist. And search for other jobs. You don't have to stay at the same place you are now . . . see what else is out there as well as what other departments if you do stay with the same employer.
The stuff with your partner stings. I'm more worried about you right now and your kids. Get a plan for yourself together. Doctor, therapist and job search sites. We have recruiters in the states that someone interested in looking for jobs can call and start seeing what is out there or Linked IN is another source of seeing job postings. Or making connections for future jobs. There are a lot of job boards also you can check out. Try not to get overwhelmed. And hey . . .do you have any vacation you can use to take a mental health day here and there to get a break?