The Venting Thread - What's on Your Mind?

[LeftCoastChick]

This is a thread for you to just plain vent your frustrations about your illness. How it's effected you, if you're tired of treatment/medication, or if you feel people around you just don't understand. The only 'requirements' are that we keep the language clean, and we don't bash our fellow members as those will result in having the offending post deleted.

My goal with this thread is to lift each other up and offer positive support. If it becomes popular, we can do one a week.

Who wants to be first?

[lina123]

hello
i am 41.i am suffering from depression,anxiety and obsessive thoughts.i can't work.i have a fatigue.
i am taking low dose of fluvoxamine and clonazepam.i know that i need to high dose of psychotropic medication.but i can't tolerate high dose of drugs.my family can't support me.they have never experienced any mental illness.i am living with my mother.my mother is sensitive about me.if i am sick,my mother become worried.she scares me.my life is full of fear.
thanks.

[bernie40]

Ok, here's my vent - First a bit about me; I have BPII with depression being the major part of it.

I am sick sorry and tired of people not understanding why I am unable to work at the moment.  Why can't people understand that no 2 days are the same for me.  That my moods and my energy are just not consistent enough to make me a reliable employee.  They assume that because I have good days that I must be exaggerating the bad ones.  They assume that I am avoiding work.

My other vent - the fact that others don't understand that anxiety levels fluctuate.  Some days i have less anxiety than others, there are days where nothing phases me, eg, I can get in my car and drive at night, then another night the mere thought of driving in the dark can send me into a panic.  They (friends) don't get this, they think I just can't be bothered and that I'm making excuses.

I'm tired of having to justify myself, tired of trying to explain, tired of trying to be how others think I should be.  Thing is if I removed the people from my life that have this lack of understanding I would be totally alone!  So its a case of "damned if I do and damned if I don't!"

Ok, vent over and thanks for listening.

Bulldozer
CL Bipolar Community

PS.  May start one of these on te BP forum!

[MJIthewriter]

For me one vent I have about myself is how unpredictable I feel. I can feel great, then next moment suddenly have a thought, any thought, then feel completely different.  Sometimes I feel down or under the weather with no reason at all. I feel physically drained, can't sleep at night.  I sleep longer during the day.  

I can't predict my moods. I seem to be up-down even within a day.  At least I haven't had very many hysterical outbursts lately. 2007 I could get to a point I felt like I was losing my mind and panic or get so angry that I would cause self harm.

I haven't had that lately, but I still don't like how I can go from being happy and positive to suddenly feeling lonely and depressed in no time.

I wouldn't be surprised if some of this stretches into the bi-polar spectrum. The only reason I haven't joined those communities because I haven't been diagnosed with it. I haqve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression on top of my autism, but not bi-polar.  I've narrowly missed being diagnosed ADHD.

[teko]

I am going on 57, am bi-polar or manic depressive, whichever term you prefer. I have had all treatments from antidepressants, ect, hospitalized, in therepy, even went to a full gospel church, prayed for healing and even had my demons cast out.  I have done it all. I still have bouts but have learned to recognize the warning symptoms and for the most part have taught myself to remember that this too shall pass and hang on for dear life. I have to work even when I feel like I cannot or I will not eat or have a place to live. I absolutely hate it when people accuse me of being in denial because I believe you get to a point where you just make a decision to not allow it to run your life anymore. That is what I did and others tell me I am in denial and not facing reality. Geeze, I have lived the reality for over 75 percent of my life, what do they know? I simply got tired of being sick and tired and miserable, period.

[upsetwoman]

I'm mostly miserable all the time with bits of feeling better.  Imagine looking forward to ativan cause I know I'll lighten up.  I really need to get on something that will work and not make me sick.  People bother me, society bothers me, family and friends.  I'm actually not a happy camper right now, and lately not in the mood for acting either.  Acting, or being polite is how I've been taught and how I am.  I'm going to always be pollite and just stay away from the ones that are fake in this world.  I've been learning the bible on a podcast by vernon McGee.  He's to the point, but his accent is too thick.  It helps.  I hope God will understand my interest in getting to know Him better and in turn put me to some good use other than being miserable all the time.

[AndreaW]

I am 23 years old. My depression and anxiety have brought on so much that I just can't handle. No one understands. They think that I can snap out of it. I can't. They feel saddness when bad things happen. I feel it all the time....and react differently towards things that upset me. My anger is out of control. I am always on the verge of crying,and I hate that about myself. Stress breaks me down and literally makes me sick. I cannot sleep at night without taking some sort of medication. I used to take prescribed sleeping aides. . . but the "high" feeling, just wasn't for me. So, now I just take 4 unisoms a night.

I hate explaining myself....telling people that I am tired. I really think that that is an understatement. I get so tired sometimes,that I am unable to talk or move. My body really breaks down on me. I have a job that keeps me on the phone 100% of the day... and I have to have a "peppy" attitude. That just isn't me. . . but it pays the bills. If I miss one more day of work, I will be fired. I am so afraid. I cannot predict when my body will begin to shut down. I cannot predict when I will be unable to say a word without crying.  I'm afraid of what this illness will do to me. My family doesn't understand...my best friend does, but I know that she gets sick and tired of hearing about it.

I feel so alone. all the time. I'm so sad, all of the time. I always feel like I am two seconds away from the breaking point. I'm tired of acting happy. I'm not. I don't remember the last time I felt extreme happiness.

[AndreaW]

I know what you mean...everyone bothers me. . . and I just don't feel like acting like they don't. In a few weeks, I will be with my mother's side of the family....for a week and a half. I will not have any alone time. I will not be able to escape..because my home will be thousands of miles away. I love my family and really want to see them, but I just don't feel that I am ready for all of that.

When I become closer to God again, I want to minister to people and let them know..that depression is real. There are so many cultures that do not accept the idea of depression or any other mood disorders. . . this leads to people not understanding what to do when they know that they have it, or if they know someone close to them has it.

[ILADVOCATE]

Well its difficult having two competing sets of medications. The Clonidine is helpful on my physical disability and moodswings and used officially in both regards and frankly I should have stayed on it. The Zofran as it turns out was worsening (temporarily) some aspects of my physical disability and worse yet was causing depression and frankly psychosis. I had no idea but I'm off it now and my neurologist will replace it as he finds something. So if I seemed a little burnt out or ticked off for a while there, I can't deny it but that's where it was coming from but the whole use of it is in study so they learn as they go along. The Clonidine however, not only helps on my physical disability but its a decent mood stabilizer and with the patch form it only has to applied once a week which is convienant so other than a weekly reminder I don't have to remember to take it everyday so at least that's one good thing. I wish there were more medications available in extended release forms of this nature.
  But I'm glad overall. Chances are I'll get out and about more. Its good to have a positive attitude and have the moodswings more under control and something that isn't pushing them in the other direction. Life goes on...

[LeftCoastChick]

I get frustrated that I'm not as supported with my new shrink. I had an intern for 6 months and I can't start to tell you how great she was. I'm now seeing her superior, and he's so cold. I've been trying to get my meds right, and I've had bad reactions to the last mood stabilizers, the first which worked started to shut down my kidneys. Depakote swung me into rages and depression badly. I finally last weekend weaned myself off it, I was on a low dose, but I knew I was going to end up in the hospital again if I continued.
I went into his office, thanked him for getting me in so quickly. I told him what was going on, he changed my doses of my other meds, then just said, "anything else?', and shooed my out of his office after 15 minutes. He told me not to come back until my meds ran out, I'm bipolar, it's not a broken foot! Have a little tact buddy. He's been so "matter of fact", it makes me uncomfortable seeing him. I don't have much of a choice here of whom I go see, because there are very few shrinks here, and waiting list can be up to a year long!

My moods are better, though I still have a short fuse, I have lost my temper with the person I share my dogs with, she yells at them a lot. I have tried to remain calm - but I put my foot down when it comes to animals.  I don't get why I get more mood swings then I did before my diagnosis. My original shrink said a massive depression can trigger all of it, it's just weird though. I'm trying not to take ativan every day. I also deal with pain issues, but because of medical issues I can't take most pain meds. So I'm stuck taking a really mild one, to have my shrink say it's all in my head, I challenged him and said that my CT scans must be lying. Since then, I've been pretty angry at him.

So that's my vent/rant :)

[Kobuk]

I feel dizzy all the time.  I don't want to do anything.  I can't go out without anyone thinking that I'm drunk because I stagger all the time.  I can't really hold a thought without rambling in my mind.  I am tired of this.  I had a good psydoc and he had to move to talke care of his elderly parents.  My doctor now tries, but I can't really relate to her.  Thanks for listening!

[LeftCoastChick]

Get a new doc if you can, that's a side effect of a med --( unless you are mixing meds that your doctor doesn't know about. ) Get to a doctor period, there are other drugs out there!

[AndreaW]

I don't know how to handle stress anymore. Instead of dealing with things the way normal people should, I would much rather just go to sleep and forget about everything. Everytime I get extremely upset, I take some sleeping pills to fall asleep as soon as possible. I forgot that I tend to do this,until tonight when I became extremely upset,and just took some pills so I wouldn't cry....so I wouldn't get upset...or say anything else that I would regret...and just go to sleep and wake up tomorrow, when I was over it.

This never works ...long term. But it helps "right now". I don't like to get upset...it really scares me...and I know that I need to deal with it....but, sometimes I just don't want to. . . sometimes I am afraid of how upset I will become.

[lonewolf07]

What I don't like about being depressed and anxious is not only that it prevents me from doing things I want to do, people who don't suffer from this disorder tend to think being depressed is being lazy and being anxious is being weak.  Try telling someone with a broken leg to run a marathon and when he can't, call him a lazy weakling.  We can see a broken leg but we can't "see" depression and anxiety.  For some people, if they can't see it, it doesn't exist.

[LeftCoastChick]

I totally agree with you lonewolf, I couldn't have said it better!

[lboogie7729]

I totally understand what you're saying wolf! I guess my frustration is that now that I am sober, my inability to deal much with my dad, the raging alcoholic, breaks my heart and bums him out which in turn makes him drink more I think. How screwed up is that? He can't understand that dealing with him when he's drinking and I am HAPPILY sober stresses me out and drives my mom up a freaking wall! On top of that the isolation of getting sober after 19 years of being wasted can be frustrating at times. But I am a solitary person by nature so I deal with it. The people from my partying days seem to act like I am a social pariah now that I don't party and I get the feeling that people think I have an attitude that I am better than them because I'm trying to do something different with my life. Having lifelong depression and anxiety and trying to reinvent myself while people (like my boyfriends family and old 'friends' if you can call them that) second guess me can get me upset from time to time but screw them, they just don't know me that well and they haven't walked in my shoes. I just have to have thick skin and because I am not the norm (31 and thrilled to not have kids AND be sober) I feel like I am looked at like I am some kind of weirdo, like that's a bad thing! I am weird! That's why I love this site. We've all got our quirks, that's what makes us interesting!

[edmfender]

I'm tired of the SHOULDS...I SHOULD be exercising, I SHOULD be working, I SHOULD be more assertive, I SHOULD try and control my moods, I SHOULD a better daughter, mother, wife, friend, sister, volunteer, advocate, housekeeper. I SHOULD be less/more organized, worried, anxious, stressed, rested, vulnerable, protective of myself, assertive, quiet, reflective, outspoken, let it out, keep it in, stay in the boat, rock the boat, thinner, fatter, my hair straighter, shorter. I SHOULDN'T let it get to me, listen to what they say, think about it, ruminate about it, get tangled in the family web, over do it, take on too much, take on too little, say yes all the time, put my feelings first or last, try for perfection because it is elusive, make any expectations of myself or anyone else. I SHOULDN'T make any plans because you and I will feel less of me when I bail.
So instead I sit in relative paralysis not knowing anymore what I SHOULD want.

[AndreaW]

I am also sick and tired of the shoulds.... everyone has their two cents about what I should do....alllll the time!

[bluewind95]

I need to get a job.... I need to do something else rather than sit down all day... but... I have no energy to, and this makes me more depressed and the more depressed I am, the less energy I have to seek a job in the first place...

[lonewolf07]

As difficult as it might be to accept, your father is the only one responsible for his drinking.  You managed to find the strength to get clean and stay clean and he will do the same thing.  Why do I think he'll stop drinking?  Because he married your mother, a wonderful woman and had you, a wonderful daughter.  He has every reason in the world to get sober and live a long, happy and prosperous life.  You have to look after you.

BTW, I agree with the "should" issue but how can the word "should" be deleted from the dictionary without saying it "should" be?

[dhylles]

i am so frustrated of my negative thinking in my head every single day going through my depression and i am trying my best to stop beating myself up for past mistakes i have made. i mean i got test for hiv last month but the thought of having it is still in my head. i cannot function in daily life without my mind telling me this day in and day out. it hurtful and frustrating and i cannot deal with it at times. i just cry and cry. i am trying so many different ways of being positive and talking myself into knowing in my heart and soul that i am fine and there is nothing wrong with me but i feel that my spirit is not as strong as it used to be and my positivity is not as strong as it used to be. my depression and anxiety has me so worried and anxious and scared. i truly want to get over this and i feel sometimes that God is not listening to me and i feel so alone and i just want this to go away. i have never been in such a state in my life. i have always been a positive person who was able to bounce back from any situation but this one i cannot bounce back. i believe God is trying to teach me something about myself and for me to take better care of me. i used to take care of everyone else and leave myself out and now that i am trying to take care of myself it is the hardest thing in the world to do. i have to give myself pep talks to convince myself how special and loving and beautiful i am and how much i have to love myself more in this life and when people tell me these things i am not too convinced either. i have alot more growing up to do within myself and it is scarey and frustrating and i am trying so hard to be positive. it is by far a struggle and a journey all in itself to get to know me better. i feel like i have buried my old self and i need to start over.

[Loribop]

Sorry, my vent was about Octomom, and not about depression.  My whole life is a vent about depression!  I do want to vent that I am tired of people telling me I am depressed and that makes me tired.  I think it is the other way around, I am tired and that makes me depressed.  Chronic illness and fatigue is causing me to be down about life and lost opportunities.   I am sick of being called lazy and depressed.  

PS:  Agree with the SHOULD post and many others.

[MJIthewriter]

I hate the constant feeling I don't fit in. It's been hitting me this last week and hitting me hard. I hate the evil whispers of feeling like I don't matter, that no one cares etc... I wish I can get out of the emotional crisis I feel.

[redneck77]

I'm 31...I'm sick and tired of being tired! I'm sick and tired of having to face people and explain myself!...Like...what's wrong,why are you not happy,why are you having a sleep,why are you depressed/anxious???why..why...why??!!!...If I knew I'd fix it!! I'm sick of being angry and detatched from reality. I started taking lexapro and was on it for three months and then stopped because I felt great, and due to family history of mental illnesses and addictive personalities...didn't want the same thing to happen to me. I guess that's what took me so long to visit the doc in the first place...I couldn't take it anymore and had no choice. The last six months I have been slowly falling back into the anxiety/depression trap....and everything that goes with it. My husband says maybe I should start taking my pills again......but I rekon if I get rid of everything in my life thatp#!##s me off...maybe I wouldn't need the damn pills!!!!
Any ideas and thoughts????
Thanks for letting me vent

[AndreaW]

today isn't a good day. im so tired. emotionally drained. my stomach has been upset. i dont want to shed a tear. my eyes have been watery but i wont let myself cry. im so sad. so down. i just want to sleep until i feel better. but i cant. i work nonstop until next friday. i will have no time to rest the way i need to right now. im so sad.i cant take much right now. i cant talk to my best friend about my problems. she has so much going on in her life and i know she is sick and tired of hearing about my emotions. i have nothing good to say about anything right now.   and now im crying..heh...way to ruin my strength.  im not okay and im afraid. i dont know what to do. im just going to go to sleep. yeah. thats all i can do.i thought writing or venting about it would help me. it usually does. not now