Aa
What is wrong with me? I have spoke to CAMHS, but they do not know
Hallucinations
Sleeping issues
I always get distracted by books, videogames, my guitar, drawing, and origami. Just anything that can keep my mind active really. It’s almost like my mind is most active at night. Between 8PM – 11PM I have what I like to call hyperactivity spurt (It is impossible for me to go to sleep when I am like this, but I am only like this if left alone for more than 2 hours). I basically go insane. I make a series of uncontrollable loud noises – some human, others not – sounds like a death rattle, the sound that predator makes, high pitch screeching, speaking in voices that are not my own, some annoying, some comical and others just WTF!.
Relationship problems
I have had many relationships in the past due to the fact that I constantly feel the need to pick out flaw in people. I can never see anyone as perfect, not even myself. I usually prefer the chase to the reality. I am only interested in someone when I know we are not together. I enjoy the uneasy feeling in the first stage of the relationship, but lose interest fast once I get comfortable. I also have a Stay away! /Come back? Attitude. I want company, but I don’t want to talk to anyone. If I am in a relationship with someone I don’t usually want to talk to her. The only thing I ever want to do is lie in bed and cuddle. Almost like the physical contact is enough.
Is this narcissistic behaviour?
I have this imaginary place in my head. It’s basically a world where I am living in a normal reality, but I have a bank account with endless amounts of money. I don’t go all out and spend it on anything, but I spend it on things like cigarettes, monster energy, and coffee. I spend all of it on simple pleasures. Simple pleasures seem to be the only thing that makes me happy. If anything, the only thing that makes me happy are:
• Caffeinated drinks
• Endless supplies of knowledge
• Nicotine via cigarette and shisha pen
• Music
• Being left alone
In this place I am a God. I over power everyone, I am more intelligent than anyone. I am basically everything in this world.
Aerosol addiction
Between the ages of 12-14 I was heavily dependent on aerosol abuse. It took 1-2 weeks for me to realise that this was actually a drug and was getting a high from it. I learned the danger of substance abuse a year after becoming addicted to it, but it was too late as at this point I was having 3-5 cans of deodorant a day. I eventually stopped because a “bad trip” scared me out of doing it. I am not dependant on it anymore, but I still slip up every few 2-3 months and have a can of deodorant. I think I see it as a way of getting away from reality because my trips basically take me to a different world. My “trips” vary depending on what mood I am in or what my external environment is. I am also a danger to myself if I have a bad trip as I have once “had a spider jump onto my eye and crawl under my eyelid.” I touched my eye with deodorant still on my fingers. Since I was tripping my eye felt like it was made out of paper after the incident (This gave me a phobia of any form of contact with the eyes and I’m scared of flies, but I don’t mo the reason why. Like not the actual fly itself. It is the horrible buzzing I am scared of). My last “slip up” was 3-4 weeks ago.
Morbid imagination
I usually think about cannibalism, death, rape, violence and pain. To be quite honest I find rape hilarious. I feel abnormal in general and genuinely will not discuss anything that happens in my mind to anyone that I am not very close to. Although these acts are glorified in my head; I could never bring myself to do this as it is not in my nature. I find it strange how my imagination is like this as I am not a violent person.
Passive aggression
When I am angry I will usually use a lot of sarcasm. I am quite talented at receiving an insult and reversing it back onto them to make them look stupid. I enjoy starting arguments and then getting the person angry, because a lot of the time the person has lost the argument as soon as they have lost their tamer and this makes me feel good about myself. I always have to get the last word in and even after “winning” an argument I will still not stop because for some sick reason I find leisure in knocking people’s confidence and making them feel bad about themselves. It gives me a sense of power over the person.
I feel apathy a lot of the time
It’s difficult to understand. I have these moments where I will not want to do anything at all. I usually just lay in bed and I can’t even bear the thought of something as simple as laying in bed when I am like this. It’s basically like I can’t bear to exist while I am like this. I think my self-harm stemmed from this (along with masochism) I would self harm when I had one of these episodes. I have nothing on my mind when I am like this. No emotions, no thoughts. When I go into this state feel empty. Like a shell, so I would self harm to give myself something to think about and something to feel. I used to clean my cuts with aftershave as well. I think this is because of my masochism. Also when I am like this I get this dull ache at the back of my neck and I feel as if I can’t breathe. I am breathing perfectly normal, but It feels like my brain isn’t receiving the oxygen. The best way to describe it is I get the feeling that I am drowning; without actually drowning. Could this be anxiety? I am also quite blunt to emotions. I feel emotions, but it is hard for me to distinguish what I am feeling. I don’t even know if I have felt love. There has been a few times where I have thought I have loved, but it was really infatuation. I don’t respond well to death either. My ex died a year ago and I didn’t bat an eyelid. It was like no one had ever told me she was dead. All I felt was confusion
I am a scanner
I can never devote myself to one specific subject. I have this crave for knowledge where I pick a subject, obsess over it and then get bored once I have found out everything I could possibly learn. I need a constant flow of new information otherwise I get bored.
• Age 5 I wanted to be a palaeontologist. I could name up to 300 or more dinosaurs. I knew all about the different periods in time such as the Pre Cambrian, Cambrian, Ordovician, Devonian, Triassic, Jurassic, Cretaceous etc. I knew about the different climates in each time period, the age gap, the diet of each dinosaur I knew and who discovered them.
• Age 8 I wanted to be a marine biologist. I could name around 550-600 different fish, mammal, insect, caecilian, amphibian, mollusc or eel in the oceans, rivers, lakes whatever. I could tell you the different diets of these animals, the oceanic levels that they lived in, and the climate they needed to stay alive.
• Age 10 I wanted to be a joiner and my dad went out and bought me various tools and set a work station in the garage.
• Age 11 I wanted to be a music teacher. Yet again I knew every music period such as renaissance, classical, romantic, ancient, modern etc. I knew various different theories behind multiple instruments and could play the drums, piano/keyboard, guitar and bass. I am now restricted to guitar and piano.
• Age 14 I wanted to be pharmaceutical researcher, yet strangely I studied a lot about Aristotle’s thorium of classification. The classification of organisms intrigued me.
• Age 16 I wanted to be a clinical psychologist and learned different signs, symptoms of various different mental/ personality disorders in cluster A, B and C. I could even tell when people had bipolar and I was right every time. I could just see something familiar in the conversations I had with people who have bipolar.
• Now I want to be a video game composer and I don’t even know how long it will last. (this has a large impact on my life as it leaves me with no long term ambitions)
I also have obsessions over games/films
Past self harm addiction
Sleeping issues
I always get distracted by books, videogames, my guitar, drawing, and origami. Just anything that can keep my mind active really. It’s almost like my mind is most active at night. Between 8PM – 11PM I have what I like to call hyperactivity spurt (It is impossible for me to go to sleep when I am like this, but I am only like this if left alone for more than 2 hours). I basically go insane. I make a series of uncontrollable loud noises – some human, others not – sounds like a death rattle, the sound that predator makes, high pitch screeching, speaking in voices that are not my own, some annoying, some comical and others just WTF!.
Relationship problems
I have had many relationships in the past due to the fact that I constantly feel the need to pick out flaw in people. I can never see anyone as perfect, not even myself. I usually prefer the chase to the reality. I am only interested in someone when I know we are not together. I enjoy the uneasy feeling in the first stage of the relationship, but lose interest fast once I get comfortable. I also have a Stay away! /Come back? Attitude. I want company, but I don’t want to talk to anyone. If I am in a relationship with someone I don’t usually want to talk to her. The only thing I ever want to do is lie in bed and cuddle. Almost like the physical contact is enough.
Is this narcissistic behaviour?
I have this imaginary place in my head. It’s basically a world where I am living in a normal reality, but I have a bank account with endless amounts of money. I don’t go all out and spend it on anything, but I spend it on things like cigarettes, monster energy, and coffee. I spend all of it on simple pleasures. Simple pleasures seem to be the only thing that makes me happy. If anything, the only thing that makes me happy are:
• Caffeinated drinks
• Endless supplies of knowledge
• Nicotine via cigarette and shisha pen
• Music
• Being left alone
In this place I am a God. I over power everyone, I am more intelligent than anyone. I am basically everything in this world.
Aerosol addiction
Between the ages of 12-14 I was heavily dependent on aerosol abuse. It took 1-2 weeks for me to realise that this was actually a drug and was getting a high from it. I learned the danger of substance abuse a year after becoming addicted to it, but it was too late as at this point I was having 3-5 cans of deodorant a day. I eventually stopped because a “bad trip” scared me out of doing it. I am not dependant on it anymore, but I still slip up every few 2-3 months and have a can of deodorant. I think I see it as a way of getting away from reality because my trips basically take me to a different world. My “trips” vary depending on what mood I am in or what my external environment is. I am also a danger to myself if I have a bad trip as I have once “had a spider jump onto my eye and crawl under my eyelid.” I touched my eye with deodorant still on my fingers. Since I was tripping my eye felt like it was made out of paper after the incident (This gave me a phobia of any form of contact with the eyes and I’m scared of flies, but I don’t mo the reason why. Like not the actual fly itself. It is the horrible buzzing I am scared of). My last “slip up” was 3-4 weeks ago.
Morbid imagination
I usually think about cannibalism, death, rape, violence and pain. To be quite honest I find rape hilarious. I feel abnormal in general and genuinely will not discuss anything that happens in my mind to anyone that I am not very close to. Although these acts are glorified in my head; I could never bring myself to do this as it is not in my nature. I find it strange how my imagination is like this as I am not a violent person.
Passive aggression
When I am angry I will usually use a lot of sarcasm. I am quite talented at receiving an insult and reversing it back onto them to make them look stupid. I enjoy starting arguments and then getting the person angry, because a lot of the time the person has lost the argument as soon as they have lost their tamer and this makes me feel good about myself. I always have to get the last word in and even after “winning” an argument I will still not stop because for some sick reason I find leisure in knocking people’s confidence and making them feel bad about themselves. It gives me a sense of power over the person.
I feel apathy a lot of the time
It’s difficult to understand. I have these moments where I will not want to do anything at all. I usually just lay in bed and I can’t even bear the thought of something as simple as laying in bed when I am like this. It’s basically like I can’t bear to exist while I am like this. I think my self-harm stemmed from this (along with masochism) I would self harm when I had one of these episodes. I have nothing on my mind when I am like this. No emotions, no thoughts. When I go into this state feel empty. Like a shell, so I would self harm to give myself something to think about and something to feel. I used to clean my cuts with aftershave as well. I think this is because of my masochism. Also when I am like this I get this dull ache at the back of my neck and I feel as if I can’t breathe. I am breathing perfectly normal, but It feels like my brain isn’t receiving the oxygen. The best way to describe it is I get the feeling that I am drowning; without actually drowning. Could this be anxiety? I am also quite blunt to emotions. I feel emotions, but it is hard for me to distinguish what I am feeling. I don’t even know if I have felt love. There has been a few times where I have thought I have loved, but it was really infatuation. I don’t respond well to death either. My ex died a year ago and I didn’t bat an eyelid. It was like no one had ever told me she was dead. All I felt was confusion
I am a scanner
I can never devote myself to one specific subject. I have this crave for knowledge where I pick a subject, obsess over it and then get bored once I have found out everything I could possibly learn. I need a constant flow of new information otherwise I get bored.
• Age 5 I wanted to be a palaeontologist. I could name up to 300 or more dinosaurs. I knew all about the different periods in time such as the Pre Cambrian, Cambrian, Ordovician, Devonian, Triassic, Jurassic, Cretaceous etc. I knew about the different climates in each time period, the age gap, the diet of each dinosaur I knew and who discovered them.
• Age 8 I wanted to be a marine biologist. I could name around 550-600 different fish, mammal, insect, caecilian, amphibian, mollusc or eel in the oceans, rivers, lakes whatever. I could tell you the different diets of these animals, the oceanic levels that they lived in, and the climate they needed to stay alive.
• Age 10 I wanted to be a joiner and my dad went out and bought me various tools and set a work station in the garage.
• Age 11 I wanted to be a music teacher. Yet again I knew every music period such as renaissance, classical, romantic, ancient, modern etc. I knew various different theories behind multiple instruments and could play the drums, piano/keyboard, guitar and bass. I am now restricted to guitar and piano.
• Age 14 I wanted to be pharmaceutical researcher, yet strangely I studied a lot about Aristotle’s thorium of classification. The classification of organisms intrigued me.
• Age 16 I wanted to be a clinical psychologist and learned different signs, symptoms of various different mental/ personality disorders in cluster A, B and C. I could even tell when people had bipolar and I was right every time. I could just see something familiar in the conversations I had with people who have bipolar.
• Now I want to be a video game composer and I don’t even know how long it will last. (this has a large impact on my life as it leaves me with no long term ambitions)
I also have obsessions over games/films
Past self harm addiction
Ah, okay, gotcha. Thanks for the info! When is your appointment scheduled for?
In the meantime, try not to over think this all too much. It's very hard to evaluate ourselves, and we have to be careful about putting labels on ourselves. The good news is, hopefully you'll get some more solid answers as to what you may be dealing with (if anything). Hang in there and please keep in touch!
In the meantime, try not to over think this all too much. It's very hard to evaluate ourselves, and we have to be careful about putting labels on ourselves. The good news is, hopefully you'll get some more solid answers as to what you may be dealing with (if anything). Hang in there and please keep in touch!
Hello and welcome!
Have you ever been evaluated by a mental health practitioner in person? I really encourage you to ask for help (parents) to make that happen. It's impossible to self diagnose, it really is, and all you will end up doing is confusing and frustrating yourself more.
Please keep in touch, let us know what the doctor says!
Have you ever been evaluated by a mental health practitioner in person? I really encourage you to ask for help (parents) to make that happen. It's impossible to self diagnose, it really is, and all you will end up doing is confusing and frustrating yourself more.
Please keep in touch, let us know what the doctor says!
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Depression Community
15 signs that it’s more than just the blues
Discover the common symptoms of and treatment options for depression.
We've got five strategies to foster happiness in your everyday life.
Don’t let the winter chill send your smile into deep hibernation. Try these 10 mood-boosting tips to get your happy back
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
