1414095 tn?1295118999

help? im feeling more depressed that i ever have..

hey guys, i've been feeling worse than i ever have been..
i'm 19, and i've been going through a lot of changes in my life right now that are honestly just eating away at my soul.

well before i start, i want to thank you guys for taking your time and reading into my post..

before this whole depression thing hit me, i've always been this happy and optimisitc kid.
I've had a rough childhood in which i had a terribly strained and abusive relationship with my dad, whom i still live with.
so, coming out of this messed up childhood..i never really knew what I was really living for, or had any driving force to really keep me going until i met this girl, kelly.

Well we made each other, our everythings..and that was a mistake on my behalf, because i really messed myself over.  upon meeeting her, i felt as if she really was an angel that could possibly be meaningful in my already messed up life.

she broke up with me, tore me apart, cheated on me. yet, i still love her? i dont know why..but im drawn to pain.
and every waking thought of tears my soul apart.

she broke up with me because we were going to seperate colleges, but in all honestly we could have worked something out..

what's really downing me, is that we did meet up recently after this long break of not talking.. and it seemed as if we were getting back together, but she just denied me which is sending me into this spiraling depression..

and on top of that, i'm becoming more and more distant from my family..
my mom thinks im a druggie..( which i am..im fighting additions and drugs problems)
and i don't talk to my father..

the college i go to is far from home..so my friends here aren't there to support  me through my depression.
..i hate my college becuase im treated horribly there..

i have no friends, no family, no 'girlfriend', ...no one..

im sorry to be rude, but i don't want to be preached about God either..because i've already completely lost faith within this mess that i've become.

help, please anyone?
thanks once again for reading my post.
it'd be nice to hear feedback..thank you
15 Responses
1549468 tn?1345468736
you're not as different from the rest as you think...except that maybe you tend to be a little braver, because you wear your emotions on your sleeve for everyone to see, whereas the other young adults you talk about hide their emotions in their ivory towers as they laugh at the rest of the people who express their feelings.

It is a known fact that people who come from abusive homes tend to attract or seek out relationships that are unhealthy. It takes a lot of work to overcome this. And it always feels like the best thing that ever happened to you, in the beginning.

Please, keep fighting the addiction...it shows how strong you really are.!!

We all have a Higher Power...it doesn't have to be God, or even a religion...my daughter is a "tree-hugger", as I put it. Basically, she loves nature and finds comfort, peace, and fulfillment in her life when she is enjoying it. Isn't that what it should be??? We all need to find that place of comfort and peace.

I'm sorry you've had a rough childhood, but try to take what you have been given, and turn it into a good thing, anything...it makes it worth the pain that you endured. At the very least, you know how NOT to treat people.

I know this probably hasn't been very much help, or what you may have been looking for...but take it from my experience...it's one of the few ways you will get through this very trying time in your life.

Also...I'm willing to bet that there are others at the college who are looking for other alternatives to religion besides you.
                                                           Take care my friend, and best wishes...
Avatar universal
I agree wholeheartedly with nananeedsthis. You know the pain of abuse and I really hope you can turn this into a positive by making sure you never cause anyone to suffer as you have. You deserve someone far better than your ex-girlfriend. You know the value of being kind and faithful so keep hold of those things and someone who truly deserves you will come along. I will keep you in my thoughts.
1390847 tn?1344657468
I know a lot of what your feeling.  Im 17 and was in a really long relationship with this guy who i put my everything into.  We just broke up a couple months ago and it absolutly ripped me apart.  
Im sorry you grew up in such a difficult situation, but as of now there is nothing you can do to change that..so maybe just use that as something to live above, if you know what I mean.  Like make it your goal to live above your father, and have a loving family of your own.  
Having a broken heart IS the worst feeling in the entire world...do you have some friends in college you hang out with? Not to even talk about the break-up...but to just go out and have fun with.  When me and my ex broke up I made it a point to start seeing my friends more often, and we NEVER talked about my ex.  We just went out and had silly fun and over time my heart actually healed (I never thought it would...you can even look back on some desperate posts I've posted on this forum thinking I was going to die of a broken heart).  In all honesty...friends is the key to moving on from a girlfriend.  I know you probably hate hearing that time heals all, and you maybe dont even want to move on...but start hanging out with some people and just going out and having fun...it will get better.
And I totally know what you mean about the whole God thing...I'm so mad at him or the whole christianity religion actually that I start to shake just thinking about it (so ill just stop talking about it now).
I just want you to know that although it seems like the world may be against you, youre not alone.  I know were just people typing on a forum, but we do care.  Keep fighting through to make a better life.  Once you make it through this tough time in your life you will come out a stronger and happier person.
Avatar universal
I am so sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time. I have been in your place and was there for a long time (minus the drug problem) and I know how easy it is to want to give up. After I graduated from college I moved in with my father and step mother. A month and a half later, my mother died, my boyfriend (who was borderline  emotionally abusive and cheated on me every chance he got) broke up with me, my dad kicked me out, my sister and I had to sleep in my car off and on, and I felt completely alone. 

I grew up in an abusive home with a bipolar mother and a "weekend dad" who cared more about his new family than the girls he had first. I've been with guys I knew were bad for me and had dysfuntional relationships with and wanted to be in them anyway. I've lost people I though for sure I was meant to be with. I'm now dealing with a break-up with someone who I thought was my other half. I thought he was everything I needed. Everything I was missing. Too bad he didn't think the same. I'm hurting and want to crawl in a hole and cry... But I can't. It helps that I take an anti-depressant. I don't think I'd be able to go on without it. 

I was diagnosed with Major Depression about 8 years ago, and it took a while to find something that works well for me, but now I'm able to cope much better. I also try to find a counselor or therapist when I'm having a really difficult time so that I can have help with coping skills, since the medication is not a cure-all. Talking to someone outside of your world can give you some perspective and help you take steps to feel better. I'm not advocating medication, and it's not for everyone, nor do people have to stay on it forever, but it is helpful. 

I'm 29 and have gone through more than I'd care to think about. Sometimes I have to think back on all the things I've made it through and realize I'm still alive. I'm still breathing. I still get out of bed every day. Sometimes I have days where I wonder why and I feel so alone, but it gets easier. Things will not always be this bad. I know it's just words now, but you'll look back and be able to use all this pain and struggle as a learning experience and help you to be a stronger person. 

As I read back on what I just wrote, I feel like I've shared more than necessary, and that I sound like I'm full of crap (like I said, I'm hurting too) but I know it to be true. At least for me. I hope this isn't too long and that it helps you in some way. I hope you start to feel better soon. Remember that there are others who feel the same way you do. Don't give up hope. 
1549468 tn?1345468736
Don't stop taking the meds, that's why you plummet back into the depression. Take it from me, someone who has been on meds for years. I would never think about going off my meds again. I've gone through that rollercoaster ride and never want to ride again. It isn't worth the price of the ticket!!!
1414095 tn?1295118999
thank you everyone for your input on my post,
the pain that im feeling as each day goes, just seems to grow.
and what bothers me most is that I can't tell me parents about this.
like, i know what my parents are going to think of me if I tell them I'm depressed and that
I'm not happy with anything in my life and would rather die.

They'll just think I'm crazy..and I know my mom already worries about me, she's already suspecting that I've dived into numerous drugs and substances to drown my sorrows,
my mom might be the only person that really notices the differences in my emotions,
like she notices that I haven't smiled in months now.

but I can't pull the words out of me just to say.."Mom, I need help."
because of that..I've held back on any doctor or any medication to help me.
I've always self medicated myself with drugs alcohol and whatever I could get my hands on.

I've always held all of my emotions within throughout the years of my life, and now..
i just feel like ALL of it is just exploding out of me.
like, i dont understnad...
I'm writing this on the way back to my college now.. because I went home for the weekend to cool down. I did this because I felt as if my home would be a place a comfort, but I found myself on the verge of tears every second of the day. I just feel like I'm made of glass, and every little thing sets me off.

These feelings of doubt and despair, are now not only pulling me down, but my grades as well. It's getting to the point where I can't concentrate in class. I'll read..and try to concentrate on whatever i'm trying to do..but can't.

And I wish I could say that I had friends on campus, but I honestly dont. I'd rather keep myself isolated from anyone else aroudn me, it's not that I don't want friends, i do...
I'm feeling antisocial, and I feel like I don't mesh with others as I once did.

but the emotions in me, are just raging..up and down, like I wake up each morning after nights filled with nightmares. Vivid nightmares filled with the images of things that haunt in my days. I can't even sleep at night, the one thing that was my escape..I can't.

Last night, my dreams had the drugs dealers my ex girlfirned, my parents, my body image..like i dont understnad myself anymore.

I can admit that leading up to the past 2 weeks i've been drinking and smoking heavily to deal with the feelings im feeling now. And after that 2 week binge, i just didn't feel right anymore, and im just trying to gain a grasp of whatever's left of me.

My ex, may just be the spark the cause of all this pain..
she says she wants to be friends, and then says she misses me.
I can't have my emotions be toyed with.

Overall, at the end of the day..
I think im not sure..but I think I may be having problems with dealing with the past.
like I'm pained because I feel like my past was far better than anything my future could possibly hold. I want to go back to the days that I was actually happy. I want to go back to high school, where things didn't matter.I dont know if this is just 'growing up', but if i wanna grow up..I want to at least be happy doing it.

I've prayed to God numerous amounts of time, and still not response.
I've been waiting patiently all my life, but I'm getting  ancy..i know time heals. but I have this constant need to be happy, and I know being happy everyday is impossible. but I haven't been happy..any day.

thank you guys once again for input, it really does mean alot.
i'm really glad to hear from each and all of you.
I really dont know.. how much to thank you guys for your time.
1128565 tn?1316721143
Hi Chris
Having an un-healthy upbringing effects us dramatically it's were we get our feel good about ourselves, our self esteem. I too am from a dysfunctional family and it does cause
damage but we have the power to change it. We can do work on ourselves, we can go for counselling or CBT, we can explore these negative influences and realise they are not
our values and beliefs and we can find our way.
We need to learn to love ourselves how can anyone else love us if we don't like ourselves ?
Or we will just attract the wrong type who is a subconcious fit an un-healthy one. You
deserve someone who treats you with respect, you sound like a very sensitive young man.
Your addictions are just numbing your emotions so you don't have to deal with them and if
your drinking this causes depression alot of people self medicate with drinkl.
Be brave you sound a lovely young man who can get his life back on track face your
addictions and get help theres lots out there and get to know the real Chris.
Take care
Lorraine xx
1414095 tn?1295118999
i just feel like im growing weaker as each day goes..
i dont feel like im holding up any better
Avatar universal
go to the emergency room immediately.  At your age, there are more medical insurance options.  As for the addiction stuff, there's really no better example than that musician, Brian (head) Welch who was with the KORN group.  He's not about religion.  I just read his book "Save me from myself."  Relationships can be addicting too.  It's tragic that the lady would not work out the college thing and was not faithful.  I hope it wasn't a direct thing, but was due to distance.  You are not alone.  Make that phone call.  Your father is the key to your healing, but don't try to sort it all out at the moment.  

See if they will admit you for inpatient treatment under a dual-diagnosis.  If you are honest with the medical folks and tell them if you are feeling suicidal, they are required to admit you to a treatment program whether you have insurance or not.  If you are under 21 and living at home, you are most likely covered by your family's medical insurance.  Give it a try--
Pills are not the whole answer, but they can help if the right ones are found to get through a crisis.  
We can't think our way out of depression or drink our way or anything else alone--
I'm sorry for your pain...it *****--
let it lead you to help...
Avatar universal
It is not healthy to be so dependent on another person for how you feel.

It is over attachment/dependency it is not good for you or her

Can you get therapy?
395787 tn?1298428787
you know you are so young and yes,you have had a rough time,like so many millions out there,but one thing positive about you is that you realise this an your seeking help on this forum.a lot of young lads and girls wouldnt even do that so you have made the first step..keep that belief that you know you want better out of life and keep striving for happiness coz it will happen.i wish you all the best but stay positive and your already half way there best wishes
1414095 tn?1295118999
i feel just horrible, and i want to go therapy so badly..or something, anything.
but i dont think my parents will handle it too well
because im the oldest in the family, i have been portrayed as the perfect golden child of the family
and me being depressed..and having to go to therapy about it, i feel like it shouldn't happen to me, as if im letting them down.
that i shouldn't be depressed, and simply suck it up and hold it all in..
but i dont know how much longer i can bottle this pain within me any longer.
i drank very heavily yesterday, and im coming off of a really bad hangover.
my head hearts, emotionally my heart hurts.
i drank to put the pain away, and now all this hurt is back.
i dont know why i can't just be happy
Avatar universal
Hi Chris, I just want to add to what everyone posted here that I found something
ten years ago that really helped me with my symptoms of depression, anxiety and panics.  I go to Recovery International meetings, where I learned a self help method to deal with symptoms.  It is similar to CBT and I really recommend it.  There is s website, forum and chat at http://www.************.org or *******************.org.  We read from the book "Mental Health Through Will Training" by Dr. Abraham A. Low, Recovery's founder.  Many Libraries have it.  There are weekly meetings in many cities in the US and other countries as well as online meetings.  It really has made the difference for me.  I thought Dr. Low was talking about me when I first read the book.  If you find the forum and chat I am Johnnny47 there.  Take care.  
1414095 tn?1295118999
i can go to therapy..but im scared, honestly.
im scared of what my parents will think of me.
they think im the perfect kid, i feel like they would be very disapointed in me,
although i know that they are very aware of my depressive state.
i havent been able to smile or laugh at anything when im home.
the entire time, im silent and stoic..
simply because i'd rather keep my pain bottled up within.
i don't like talking to people face to face, i avoid eye contact.
they think im a straight edge child with no experience in drugs.
but..they have no idea....
im the biggest 'druggie' in my group of friends,
i can admit that im addicted to highs..
whats wrong with me..
395787 tn?1298428787
from what i can tell chris it seems your family care very much about you and its you that is scared of letting them down and im sure if this is the case they would be devestated if they knew you were goin through this on your own,you cant keep bottling up your feelings and need to speak to your parents,dont be to hard on yourself,seek help hun,speak to your family xxx
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