i dont know me anymore :/

[raeellen7]

I am 25 I lost my mother to bladder cancer last year December 16th 2011 9 days before Christmas it has been soo hard without her my family was so strong and we bonded very well I told my mother everything I mean everything I had no secrets from her she was my best friend. After she passed my family fell apart my dad got a girlfriend a month after my brother we only see once in a while but me and my sister are still close I took a whole bunch of loratabs and perkecets I wanted to die luckly my boyfriend woke up I spent 4 days in the hospital things got a little better but now 9 months after she passed I snap a lot I go from happy to angrey to crying in 5 mins my bestfriend is geting married and 2 days before her wedding I told her to f herself and I wasn't coming I don't know where all this anger is coming from I'm always there for people I take care of disabled people for a living I'm always there for my friends but none came to mommas funeral none called to see how I was and now I just sit at home I have started taking more meds than prescribed I take them so I don't have to face anyone I use to love being outside now I stay in a dark room all the time I even hate work that I once loved I don't know this person I'm trying to be the same cheerful person my momma knew but I can't I can't do it I don't know who I am anymore!

[brice1967]

I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of this.  Death of a loved one, funerals, and the over all grieving process are so difficult to go through.  There is no text book on this, so we kind of have to "wing it", don't we?  (Not fair...)

By no means am I trying to minimize your situation.  Not even close, so please bear with me as I try to spit out what I am trying to say.  

You lost your mom and it sounds like the two of you were like "best friends".  (That's awesome!  Remember that always!  I have a great relationship with my mother too!)  So, when we watch someone we love, our mother, our best friend go down the long path to death with something like bladder cancer, it is like we are watching 2 people die at the same time.  As this long process plays out, we lose a bit of each of those "2" people every day.... its miserable.  

Perhaps a lot of what you're going through is "perception".  What I mean by that is this.  When my dad died, I honestly thought that nobody else was there.  I had to be there for my step mother, my sister, and my aunt.  I didn't have time to grieve on my own.  At the funeral, I had tunnel vision.  I lost one of 2 people in the world that I could go too and I began to feel sorry for myself.  As many people as I had around to "help me", I kept isolating myself... As dumb as this sounds, I wanted to be completely alone and didn't want to be messed with.  At the same time, I wanted help.... I just didn't know how to go about asking for it.  I guess I just expected it.  (After all, I just jumped right in and helped my step mother, my sister and my aunt... not even my closest friends were jumping in.  (That's my perception)).

In reality, my friends and family were trying to help, but I didn't want to grieve.  I wanted to be strong and I didn't want to be bothered over, yet I was constantly crying out for help.... Confusing, isn't it?

Anyhow, you can get the help you need, but it doesn't have to be family and it doesn't have to be friends.  Seek the help of a therapist.  I did and it changed my world.  She is the one who brought up "perception" to me.  My perception was that nobody cared.  IN fact, everyone cared... I just was not handling my fathers death well.  I internalized everything.... I was trying to make the notion that "nobody cared" as the issue at hand when it was indeed my dads death that was the issue.

Helps out there.  See a professional.  Keep coming on here.  There is a lot of support here.  Good luck!

[raeellen7]

Thank you so much you have helped me in a big way thank you thank you! Have a blessed day

[mammo]

Hi...I am so very sorry for your loss.  We never really believe we will ever lose our mothers, and it's an enormous loss.  I lost both my parents at the same age as you in a car accident.  Many times when a mother dies the family does fall part...often the mother is the glue that bonds us all...other times people just don't know how to deal with the loss and make poor decisions.  As much as you miss you mother, she lives on in you!  You know she would want you to be happy and live a good life, one that shows the world that you must have had a wonderful mother to be such a wonderful person yourself.  What a great tribute to your mom!  Right now you need to think about YOU and getting yourself in a better place emotionally.  You snap at people because you are angry over losing your mother and have every right to be!  But often we don't know where to put this anger and it just festers inside us making us unhappy and depressed.  You really need to seek help with all of this, sometimes things are just too much for us to handle on our own...and that's okay.  Don't use more medication than prescribed it will just make things worse for you.  You can rise above all of this with some help and be the woman your momma always knew!  Give her a reason to look down and smile...saying "that's my daughter". I know how very hard this is, but you have a purpose on this earth and your mother gave you a huge heart to care for the disabled, they need you and YOU need you.  See a psychiatrist for an evaluation and to be referred to the proper therapist for help with coping.  I know you feel hopeless but there is hope, please trust me on this.  Make your momma proud, live a fulfilling and happy life so both of you are happy.  Friends and family will all fall in place with time, right now everyone is dealing with this in their own way...right or wrong, they have to get through their loss.  Lead the way, show them what a strong daughter your mother raised.  We're always here for you and often just venting to us can help.  I wish you all the very best and big hugs sweetie.