Continuous suicidal thoughts...

[LAIBA151]

I am going to be crazy please anyone help me. I am continuosly thinking about suicide and ending my life. I am too scared of dying but My head is exploading with suicidal methods.I am exausted of living my life. My tears are not stopping and my heart gets so painful day by day. I don't know what to do? There is only one thing in my mind that how can i die maybe because of cutting my wrist or my head exploads or have a brain tumour or gets coma??? I just want an escape from my life. Yesterday i drink nearly half bottle of cough syrup but nothing happens just weird headache. I am 100% sure that soon i will get in mental hospital...i am just 22 but my heart suddenly get so painful like heart attack. Where untreated depression leads to...just death. Anyone plz help i dont want to die....just want to enjoy life like others what will i do to get myself happy.

[nursegirl6572]

I'm so glad reading the replies helped you!  That's the great thing about this kind of site!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband....please feel free to start your own thread, share your story, what's been going on, and what, if any help you've gotten for depression.  We're here to help you, and support you.  This isn't a battle meant to be fought alone!  To start a new thread, click here:

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/new_with_new_subject?forum_id=57

I hope you do, I'll keep an eye out for your thread...you take care!

[Rosemeen]

I read your response to this fellow. I have no idea whether it helped him or not but truly it helped me a lot. I am also going through the suicidal thoughts these days due to constant failures in whatever I do. I have spent a successful life but for last 2.5 years after my husband's death, I have been failing in all my personal and professional endeavors. I have two children and they are a big support. Very loving and caring but I just cannot take these failures. I am continuously thinking of committing suicide. But because of my children, I stop myself doing so otherwise there is no interest in life or anything....Thank you for the post. I think it will help me for some time now

[Hobby10]

Don't look at suicide as an option, EVER.  Value every day.  Be grateful for life u have been given.  Choose life.   Peace and love!!!!

[RainLover71]

Well said Maddie and Witheredrose,the human spirit is tough--it's not over until it's over.Never throw in the towel.If you give up the devil wins--let god help you--turn to him.There are so many people here on medhelp that want to help you and that you can talk to on a daily basis.

[4Maddie44]

I always thought that people with depression were really strong.  They have to be - depression has to be fought.  Have you tried to fight it?  Seems to me all you say is you can't go on, but do nothing about it.

We here are strong, read all the posts sent to you by people who really are doing battle.  People who help themselves fight this illness.  You just tell us you want to die.  You give up too easily.  I have fought and fought to get where I am and I am proud of it.  

I have been where you are now, but I didn't give up completely.  Yes I had my set backs, we all have, but I am still here 20  years after I was told I had depression.

Medication has turned my life around.  How have you been battling?  Please tell us.  Don't give in so easily.  Fight, fight, please.

How would your mum be if she found your dead body because you could not be bothered to make your life right?  

Come on girl, start that battle.  Don't give up.  We are all your friends, and care about you.  We have been where you are, don't doubt it.  

[witheredrose]

Please dont give up! How will you ever get better if you just want  to give up before youve even tried.  You say you have already lost the battle,  SO WHAT! We face battles all our lives, face it..life is nothing but a war, for you, me and everybody else. You havent lost the war yet and your not going to! Dont let this own you, nothing or nobody can own you but YOU! This is your life, make it what you want it to be. You want to be happy, deep inside yourself I know you dont want this, but you feel its the only option and its not. Its not the way out, the way out has been there all along and its what everyone has tried to tell you. Have some faith in yourself! Youll get through this but first you must try! I will be praying that you find a way, which you will but your not looking hard enough!!!!!!!!!! Please please try!

[nursegirl6572]

No offense, sweetie...but what  battle?  I haven't seen you post ONE thing you have done lately to TRY to help yourself!!!  It's bad enough you would think that suicide is your only way out (oh my, imagine your poor Mom), but to decide that when you haven't REALLY given it your all?  That's not sensible.

You're not just going to wake up feeling better...you HAVE to get help and you have to work your butt off to get better.  I know you cannot say you've done that.

Tell your Mom right NOW that you think suicide is your only option.  You need help, and you need it now.  I pray you do the right thing for all involved.  I'm praying for your Mom, that she doesn't have to live her life wondering what she did wrong....wondering WHY she didn't see the signs?  Contemplating taking her OWN life because the pain is just too deep.  I'm praying hard for her right now.

Please update us......I really hope you decide to fight.  At least for your Mom's sake.  

[RainLover71]

No you haven't.Keep talking with us and things will get better.There is always a way to stay alive and be happy.Don't give up.Talk to us now.It's never to late.

[LAIBA151]

I don't think i m gonna survive any more.  Thanks to everyone for replying me,you all try your best but its my fault i m not worth it anymore. I lost this battle of my life. bye

[Jecca0809]

Your life is soooo incredibly precious!!! I know it seems hard to understand or even believe that it WILL get easier, but it will!!!! Back in April I attempted suicide. I took 120 of my depakote, slit my wrists and then walked in the middle of traffic to get hit by a car. I wound up in ICU for 10 days on a ventilator feeding tube and other monitors. They said I almost died twice. Life hasn't been easy since then but I'm alive!!! Please listen to me when I say that suicide is not the answer! That day changed my life forever! Both physically and mentally! I haven't physically been stable since been really sick and wound up in a wheel chair having to relearn to walk! If you can't think of any other options other than how you may harm yourself you must do right by you and get yourself to the ER for help. They will help in so many ways. It may be scary at first but if it keeps you safe think about it! Don't wind up like me with scars up both your arms and a half broken heart...I'm only 26 and have had to deal with thus my entire life. This may have been my worst attempt but hopefully my last!! Please let the forum know how you make out! Prayers for you!!

[LAIBA151]

sorry stupid mobile

MY first reply to nursegirl6572
and 2nd to armira

[LAIBA151]

Sorry above for double reply.
Thanks armira for being supportive.
Don't say that u are in worse condition, actually nobody is.... Its all our depressive mind and nothing else.
Be positive about helping yourself. I don't want to live, i am too of life but i want to help me for my sick mind, u know like our body, our mind also sometimes become sick so if we get treatment for our body then why don't for our brain too...

So don't get sad, we also have equal right to be happy like normal person,i recently discovers this that i need to help me.
Pray 4 me that i get right one...
I really need friend like u, hugs and plz pray 4 me thanks :)  

[LAIBA151]

Thanks for encouring reply, it really moved me ,your saying is coming from my heart.  Thats exactly i feel.
I don't know what i done wrong which is becoming punishment to me and my life becomes so miserable. Yesterday i was nearly at end point of my life but again i survived it.
I never think about myself and even i didn't enjoy my teen life only because of my parents issue.
And now i am tired to it. My dad never understands me, i talked to him about all thinks but he had such a spot face, i don't know maybe he has some psyhco issue...
Thanks to God that my mom is planning to see me to some doctor although she herself is so much ill.
Only becoz of her i cancelled every plan of suicide.
I am not going to bore u with my story just wants to thank for understanding my feelings.    
Your post fully reflects me...  Plz with me,i really need someone to listen to me.

[hangetsu]

"I want to end it,maybe i done it much earlier but i only not doing it because of my mom"

I used to be preoccupied with thoughts of suicide but didn't want to hurt my mom either. I knew it would kill her emotionally if I did and in my mind thought that I'd just wait till she died and then do myself in. I got strung out bad on cocaine in the 80's and was so depressed I considered slitting my throat, but couldn't bear the thought of her finding me in a blood bath.

In '96 I contracted Hepatitis C. I'd had Hep B&D in the 80's and heard that 70% of those people contract liver cancer within 20 years. I saw that as a death warrant and since I was going to die anyway, that made suicide a moot point.

It's 16 years later now. I'm still alive, my mom is still alive, and life is a lot better for me. I didn't take treatment for the HepC but quit drinking in '96 and try to take care of myself. When your liver fails it's not a very glamorous death and while I'm not afraid of it I'd kind of like to live my life out feeling as good as possible without going to extremes.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is it may seem dark now but things can get better, if you give it a chance.

[nursegirl6572]

I'm SOOOO proud of you for your posts above.  You have been so stuck in the cycle of panic and anxiety, with constant negative self talk, and while you may not FEEL a lot better, look at you, reaching out to help someone who feels bad!  Doesn't it feel great?  What you said is wonderful, and when YOU are having an extra bad bay, go back and read your own words!  Take your own advice!

It's true....as much as we may suffer with the burden of depression, or anxiety...think of how much worse other people have it.  That's not to discount what YOU are going through, but sometimes it helps to get a little perspective.   There are young children, who haven't even BEGUN to live, dying of cancer.  Who WILL die through no fault of their own, never growing up, never having children of their own.  How sad is that?  There are people who lose the love of their life in a tragic car accident.  Look at my friend...losing her young son, and almost losing her daughter!  When I have bad days, or put myself into "pity party" mode, all I have to do is think of what SHE is going through, and I'm able to turn my thinking around.

Instead of thinking of everything you DON'T have...or things you WISH you had...start being thankful for what you DO have.  Your physical health, youth, a roof over your head, food to eat, clothes on your back, family that loves you. The list is a long one.

I hope the two of you can become friends and encourage each other to keep fighting.  You guys can PM each other about different things you like (music, TV)...talk about the dreams you have for the future.  Just don't get caught up in exchanging a lot of negative thoughts.  Be each other's cheerleader.

I'm so very happy to see some encouraging words, coming from someone who hasn't felt very encouraged.  Amen!

[armira]

p.s ....you said your parents are separated but look,,,,my dad is injured by war and he is 80% invalid!! isn't this more painful.....?yes it is!!!!this is my worst pain when i see him without a part of his head,with his paralysis hand and legs,i suffer because he can;t talk like us,he cant understand like we do,just shout out loud...and i suffer ,,,Is there anything more difficult than to see your mother suffering, and see destroyed the whole family.you are lucky than me...you have  a healthy mom and dad,you should help you mum to slip past this terrible time of her life,you are now mature,just keep on things like natural.there in world are sooooooo many couples that broke up.....be strong and be the supports of your mom.She needs you more than ever i guess

[armira]

oh my dear.....we are so same....im 22 and i have suicides thoughts too......let us be friend and talk to each -other...i can understand you completely ....you are NOT alone....im here just like you,fighting for being alive,at least we are hopping for a miracle!!!the miracle is that we are STILL living and fighting...why we should kill our self ?????to be food for worms????why we  just don't treat our life like a gift from GOD .imagine how many people are fighting with cancer,or any serious disease ,or imagine how many people are people with disabilities..are not  we lucky?????YES we are of course,we just have a cycle which it BE OVER if we want.....we have obsessive thought and i mean we should work how to deal with those......believe me im just LIKE YOU ARE ,in the  same situation,maybe im worst but see me  :) im still alive and full of hate for those feelings but at the final we will win,believe on me,,hugs

[nursegirl6572]

Again, I can only urge you to seek immediate help if you're feeling that way...tell your Mom what you're thinking, ask for help.  You KNOW it's not the answer.

You obviously have a lot of resentment towards your Dad as a result of  him leaving you, and you watching your Mom struggle.  I'll tell you, that while you have every right to be upset with him about how he treated YOU....their marriage and adult relationship was none of your concern.  Sadly, as a child, you didn't realize that.  You were stuck with grown-up type worries when you should have been a happy go lucky kid.  Whatever happened (or happens) between your Mom and your Dad has NOTHING to do with you.  That's true, even today.

I think you need to be brutally honest with BOTH of your parents.  Tell your Mom you have throughts of suicide, that you feel it is your only way out.  And tell your Dad, point blank, that you already have trouble with trust, and when your Mom made you confide your deepest darkest issues, and he reacted like he did, it affected you SO severely that you were back to the point of considering suicide.  They 100% NEED to know these things.  They need to know how their actions have, and still ARE affecting you.

If you can't say it, write it down, or print this thread out.  This thread is nothing but brutal honesty from you, sweetie, because you are NOT talking to people you know, you are involved in your life.  It would be a harsh reality for them...but a good wake up call.  They NEED that!   PLEASE talk to them, or communicate with them NOW.


You were feeling better the other day about getting help.  Go back and reread those posts.  You can get there again.  Don't let two adults acting poorly, and making this about THEM instead of about YOU like they should, ruin your desire to get help.  Shame on them and their actions.

Please keep us updated, and DON'T do anything to harm yourself.  You KNOW that isn't the answer.

[LAIBA151]

Thanks 4 encourage. I don't know my trust issue can be solved or not but my trust on my dad is decreasing day by day.
My parents are separated manily my dads fault. My mom struggled her marriage life till the end but my dad makes it very difficult. I love him very much but suddenly one day he left us when i am little,from there my life becomes misareble to me. I saw my mom working so hard for me. What i tell its long and miserable story....My dad only calls few times.
My mom wants me to tell him about my depression but i don't want that he interfere in my life but today i told him that i am feeling this way.... And what he did, starts yelling at me and my mom and arguing with my mom,which i certainly don't want.

At that point i decided that tonight i kill myself,but then looks at my mom,then my miserable life............ What i 'll do???   Why some people all like this,like my dad , who never understands?   I am so alone. Where do i tell my feelings? I have no friends. I think killing myself is only way to escape from my life.....    

[brice1967]

Trust is something that comes in time.  Seek professional help and have that therapist show you about trust and how to gain it.

Trust is built and it takes time.  Everyone with me starts off somewhere in the middle.  A lot of things can happen in time that will affect where you go on the "trust ladder".  You can do things to bolster that trust or do things to kill that trust.

I'm guessing that your reluctance to trusting has to do with being hurt somewhere in your past, by a person who was a trusted individual.  Am I in the ball park with that?  If that is the case, you need to look at that as an individual thing.... one person hurt you.  Not everyone hurt you.  You can learn to digest that hurt and all hurts individually.  You can hold those people accountable for the hurt they caused you.

Being brave and walking up to someone and saying, "Remember the time when you did that thing?  That hurt me a lot.  It really changed my opinion of you.  Thanks for teaching me a lesson, but I am holding you accountable for that hurt." and then walk away.  You would not believe the amount of pressure that comes off your chest.  It doesn't need to be confrontational, but it does need to be 'matter of fact" or direct.

You then need to learn to "forgive".  It's the hardest lesson out there.  I held a grudge for years with a dead guy.  I didn't think I could address it because the person that screwed me over had died.... you can hold them accountable.  I needed to look at that situation and know that I didn't do it, he did!  I needed to know that I am all right, that they were not!  I also needed to be thankful for the lesson learned and then move away.

For me, it was life altering and it happened very simply.  I was asked by my therapist, "why are you holding all of this anger, all of this animosity towards this person, and what are you getting from it?"  

As it turns out, I was getting nothing out of it and as soon as I acknowledged that, the animosity went away.... I hope other people can find it that easy....

It's a fight, but you can win it.

[nursegirl6572]

Honey, the trust issue will improve with time, and help.  What you have to remember and keep in mind as you start seeking help is that there is literally NOTHING a psychiatrist hasn't heard before.  They go through YEARS of training, they learn how to not be judgemental.  They do not KNOW you personally, you can literally tell them anything and everything.

Actually, the more open and honest you are with them, the better off you'll be.  With time, you will become more comfortable sharing such personal info, it will be a little weird at first, you will feel uneasy about it...just push through those feelings, and TELL the doctor that it is hard for you.  He/she will likely reassure you.

The important thing here is that you realize you need to seek help.  That's giant prgoress.  Let us know when you make the appointment.  The sooner you make the call, the better.

You'll be okay.  This is actually a wonderful step towards getting your life back.

[LAIBA151]

Thanks everyone for wonderful replies, i am really calmed by them. I get it that if i really wanna help myself i should see a doctor. I know that they are not good enough here in my country but atleast have a try.    
But my main concern is TRUST. I really can't trust others easily and can't express my feelings to others then how i express them to psyhcritist? How i tell all my emotions and thinking to them?  You are absolutely true brice1967 that i am too scared.  I can't even talk to strangers thats why i have no friends. I am really struggling with my trust issue.   Plz help me with it, any piece of advice??  

[witheredrose]

Therapy, and medications are really the only way to get a handle on this..you cant do it on your own as everybody else has said. Dont give up on yourself like this, dont give up on your mom like this. Giving up and just hoping it goes away on its own just worsens things because depression doesnt work like that unfortunately, but having faith in yourself can get you anywhere. And all we can do here, is give you the best advice we can, and be here when you need reassurance. It wont work out if you dont try and do your part to. You should not be afraid to get help because of what others think, everybody needs help in some way, and there isnt nothing wrong with that. Some just dont understand, and its not your fault. Everybody experiences a little bit of the blues now and then, a lot just dont like to say anything.
You have already taken a step towards helping yourself, and thats coming here and sharing your concerns. We cant walk without putting one foot in front of the other and taken step after step. This is the same. Your already showing your strength by coming here, you realise something isnt right and you want to be helped. Sometimes admitting you have a problem is the hardest part and you have done that so far, see you are stronger than you know, and you CAN do this!!! We have faith in you, and you have your friends here to help you along the way..and God is up there watching over you. He would never put you through anything that you cant handle. You can do this!!!