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Frightening mood swings- what could be wrong with me
Three years ago, living in the south, I was bullied due to my race. I dropped out and began homeschooling. I moved back North and began high school again, but they wouldn't accept my credits and placed me back in tenth grade. (I was previously an AP and honors student) I tried tenth grade out for a while, but being 19 and going to class with 16 year olds was extremely difficult, and I ended up dropping out and getting my GED. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and he is my only friend. I'm currently still living with my parents, and they fight a lot. I constantly feel worthless, and it depresses me to no end that I ended up with a GED when I dreamed of graduating with honors and attending Harvard. Now, I find myself going from being in okay moods, not particularly happy, but okay-ish, then when I see my boyfriend, I go from being happy to being frighteningly cruel to him. He's never done anything wrong, and All of the sudden I'm lashing out at him and calling him names, and I can't control it. It really, really scares me and it keeps getting worse. I keep trying to stop what I'm saying, but it's as if it's not me saying it, and I'm sitting in the backseat watching it happen. I cry endlessly once I've calmed down, because he's everything to me, and the last thing I want is to hurt him. I just want to feel normal again, and I'm always depressed and lonely. I haven't had friends in 3 years, and he's all I have, I'm so afraid of losing him. If I keep hurting him like this, I may end up leaving him for his own good, because no one deserves to be treated like this. I really say the most awful things to him, and can barely remember all that I've said afterwards. What's wrong with me? How can I stop this? I try being happy, but the fake happiness tends to make it worse. Please help me.
Best Answer
Consider getting a full-spectrum light to fight SAD. I am not plugging Verilux, just giving the name so you can get the information about what a full spectrum light does.
This is not the answer to your problem but might be considered to help a little. I have had personal use and find it effective.
This is not the answer to your problem but might be considered to help a little. I have had personal use and find it effective.
Thank you, but the only reason I said all of this is because I've been there, done that!
After reading your last post, one thing I really want you to look at: if your boyfriend leaves, DON'T get into another relationship until you 've had at least a year of therapy. Abused people tend to attrack abusers because it's what they know. It is subconscious, you don't even realize it, but you miss the signs.
You lucked out when you got this boyfriend, but it seems that the last boyfriend was a jerk, be very careful of that.
You are so like everyone else that was abused, you're not alone. Good luck.
After reading your last post, one thing I really want you to look at: if your boyfriend leaves, DON'T get into another relationship until you 've had at least a year of therapy. Abused people tend to attrack abusers because it's what they know. It is subconscious, you don't even realize it, but you miss the signs.
You lucked out when you got this boyfriend, but it seems that the last boyfriend was a jerk, be very careful of that.
You are so like everyone else that was abused, you're not alone. Good luck.
Thank you for your answer, it made me feel a bit better, but Kenneltech seems to have hit it on the head. I've been through a lot. From abusive relationships to bullying at school. My parents don't usually fight around me, and I usually stay with my boyfriend when they start to. But I previously had a boyfriend that was really cruel to me, and it seems anytime I start being cruel to my current boyfriend, and I think of the ex.. and how much I resemble him now. That's why it scares me so much, because the abuse from my ex boyfriend escalated to a point of him hitting me, and that's when I met my current boyfriend, who I started dating immediately. I feel like all of my anger from the previous relationship transferred into my current one. I don't think I had enough time in between relationships to get back to myself, and let the fears go of being abused. I'm constantly paranoid that I'm aggravating my boyfriend or that he thinks I'm stupid. I really feel like I'm just losing everything that I was before I entered the abusive relationship, and becoming someone that I never wanted to be. I think you're right, Kenneltech, in stating that I need to get some help, because none of it is in my past, and I am not over any of it. I think about my past everyday, and it get's worse when my boyfriend and I fight. Thank you for both answers, you've given me a lot to think about and I do feel a little better.
There is nothing wrong with you,everybody experiences mood swings at one time in there lives.You can get over it,Its not the end of the world.Think about what you have.A family that loves you and a boyfriend who has stood by you.You have got so much going for you.Make the most out of it,your young and healthy and intelligent.Use your talents and do the things you love and enjoy.Moods come and go,so you can stop this by discovering your ambitions in life.I wish you all the happiness in the future.
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First off, you need to get out of the house with your parents, their constantly fighting isn't doing you or your moods any good. And, it's not a "mood," it is depression, which lurks around us in many different ways.
You need to do whatever it takes to move into your own place and then you need to get some help for all of this junk that has happened to you over the years that is still in your head, subconscious or not, it stays. You can say you don't think about it, or that you have gotten over it, but it's obvious you haven't. And you will never have a "normal" relationship with anyone until you fight these demons.
If your boyfriend does leave, please just let him know before he goes that it wasn't him, that you are sorry because it plays a heavy toll on the person taking all the heat from your anger, also. And, that is NOT a "blame" statement, this is not your fault. But, you need to do something aboutg these feelings soon because if you continue to abuse your boyfriend knowing that there is a problem and it's probably you, then it does become your fault.
Good luck to you and please keep us posted.