Big middle finger rant

[michael852]

Ok guys I just want to rant,so let me.
I feel as if I am falling into a depression,a dark void in which I do not want to fall into,there I ******* said it.
I hate feel weak and vulnerable but having to put on a brave front for everyone,because I stupidly take on the burdens on others.I keep a gay friend of mine from going depressed due to loneliness so I hangout with the guy,and try to help him find a bf,**** you people that say I do not like gay people,go jump in a ditch lined with barbed wire that has salt laced barbs.I m angry that I allow myself to put up with a friend of mine that I ve know for 4 years,treat me like **** because he has so many insecurities and plus I think he suffers from narcissism ( that has not been diagnosed by a doc) plus he is coming back from over seas and oh boy I m going to have to put up with the "war hero"s stories,even tho he hasnt left the wire and is a clerk. He tries to find anyway to rub the Marine Corps in my face. I hate that I had to move back in with my folks(rent went up at my apartment) how pathetic on my part to have to do that,move back in.. I m pissed off that college was a bust for me.At the time I was to confused about what I wanted to do in my life.Bills are pilling up and no jobs are out there.I apply for jobs every weeks and no one is hiring at all.so yeah I feel ******. I am sad in every fiber that makes up my structure of my mind  but have to act calm for a friend of mine and tell him is going to be ok bc he is suffering from STDs anxiety,just two more weeks man and you can test.Sometimes out of anger for God knows what reason I feel like telling him is doomed,but I do not because that is wrong and then I feel bad for even having that thought. Eh I am angry that I am seeing a ******* shrink.i would never imagine myself seeing one of those.  I am angry at myself for letting a relationship that I thought was good let depression on my partners part kill it,even though I know its the illness's issue for one of the reasons why it ended I still feel at a loss.What wasnt my **** good enough for you? Did I not show you as much support that a man can show without running the risk of being called a *****.You hurt my masculinity ****,but I held it all in so were I would not be the culprit for pushing you over that waterfall of clinical depression suicide.  I am tired of keeping my needs and wants inside so were I did not put any stress on you,and what did it get me? Nothing not even a thank you for putting up with your ****,even tho I had every reason to leave.At times I just want to punch random people on the streets,why? Fck idk maybe I got issues oh wait I m posting on a forum of course I do.The reason for why I do not tell this to my shrink is bc I do not want to be put on meds or put on suicide watch even tho I do day dream about suicide at times.Yeah like you havent either. I am tired of having fake friends,fake love fake everything and when I give back,it is not good enough for you people so **** off and die please. I am tired of not having anything to show for myself at my age.Most people at age graduated college,got a direction in life ect.Me, I feel adrift in a sea of dead end southern town. I want to scream my wants and needs that I feel as if I ve kept inside but i do not want to feel selfish.Ok **** it,I want sex,I want a feeling of belonging,I want not a  messed up family,I want to be held(if anyone laughs at that so help you God) I want a job,I want a relationship with a woman that does not have mental issues and not to feel like a jerk for wanting that. There I let some of it out,sue me. **** where is my shoulder?  Yeah I got a roof over my head,a car to drive so it could be worse I know but I feel so angry,bitter and empty inside.I hate feeling this way contrary to everything 1st world item I own.I hate that I have let myself go and get out of shape(I am hitting the gym again btw) To sound arrogant and insecure I want a woman to notice that effort I put in to myself. I would nvr imagined this year starting off this way. There are those times where I just want to laugh at myself for letting myself get so emo ish . I feel to cowardly to do actual self destruction bc that would warrant questions about me that I do not want to answer at the moment. so yea fck it.

If you actual read all of this,congrats for you.

[remar]

Sometimes you have to take care of yourself first. You do sound upset and depressed. It may be time to make boundaries with your friends. Maybe hang out with them when you feel up to it, not when they want to. At least for awhile.  
The things you want out of life are completely normal to want.
I do understand about the job situation. I know many people that are college educated yet they can not find a job. It's the economy.
I will offer this advice. Be selfish, take care of yourself, set boundaries with your friends and keep seeing your shrink.

[michael852]

Thanks maybe i should try all of that.Also I found out I ve OCD so that does not help things

[remar]

You're very welcome. I do really think you should try what I've suggested. You need time for yourself. Is the OCD a recent diagnosis?

[michael852]

Yes it is recent,it makes me freak out about everything IE my health