Why my husband looses his erection during sex?

[worriedwife81]

My husband and I have been married for almost 29 years. He just turned 47 and I am 46. We have I guess to say not had the best sex life.  In the beggining it was very nice. Then the kids started coming. We have 3 beautiful girls 26, 23 & 19. And we hardley ever had sex after they were born.  We were apart for 2 years ending 7 months ago. You see my husband was transfered and we decided I would stayed back home to let our youngest graduate high school there. So we only saw each ohter on the weekends. When I would come here it was wonderful. We were all alone. The sex was great. Then I moved here and the sex was off and on. More off than on again. So I decided that I wanted us back.  I Love my husband so much. And I know he loves me. The problem is he used to want sex all the time. He would raise to attention when I entered the bedroom. Well not any more. He does not seem interested even though we are alone. Now I have gained a few pounds.  I am not saying I am obese but I do need to loose about 15 pounds.  We both started going to a gym.  He needs to loose a few also. I also caught him watching porn one evening. He said someone sent it to him and he don't just watch it. So now I have the feeling he is just not sexually arroused by my body anymore becasue I don't look like the girls in the porn. He says he is but when I get into bed naked and lay on top of him kissing his neck and nothing happens he just says he is tired, then I can't beleive he is. I am not real sure about myself most of the time. I don't usually take charge like that. We talked about that and he says he likes it but most of the times I did he was not interested. So what am I to think. It does nothing for my self confidence at all. So I told him if he wants sex then he needs to let me know. I find myself just thinking of him and getting excited. So what is the problem. I think he only has sex with me most of the time becasue he senses I want to. Why can't he stay hard while we are having sex? I could see if we stopped but that is not the case, we can be in the middle of it. And just to add I am not one to just lay there. I help.  If I am giving him oral sex he is fine. And usually while he is giving me oral sex he is hard. But the last few times he is not. I mean if I start on him he does get hard.  Then we start having sex and after a bit he just goes soft. He does not ejaculate then go soft just goes soft. And then there are a few times that he can't ejaculate. So what am I to think? I am a horrible wife.  I can't even keep my husband interested during sex.  Please help.  Worriedwife

[worriedwife81]

It may very well be PIED.  I have not idea.  I have not seen where he has looked since our 2 future son-in-laws were in a very bad ATV accident on Good Friday.  Something changed in him then.  But that is not to say we have had any kind of intimacy in a little over 8 months.  He does not excite me anymore.  He has tried kinda a few times.  But I know it is only because while I was with my kids in another state after the accident worried out of my mind that our youngest future son-in-law would not survive and our oldest would be paralyzed I lost 10 pounds.  I don't see where it went from.  But I told him and then he made a few moves for sex.  Also he told me SEX not make love or intimacy.  Just SEX.  Did not work for me.  I just brushed it off.  Not doing that again.  Not giving him sex just because he wants it.  So if he is having sex with someone else it does not matter to me.  As long as if he gets some disease that it is not transferred by other means than sex.  I don't care.  I never did not want to face it.  It was always on my mind even though I did not know the name for it. Always thought he had sex with someone else but can't prove it. He says no but that don't mean I believe it.  My heart can't take anymore.  Literally.  I had a scare after the accident and having to let one of my fur-babies go then another.  So it is sad to say, if I care then I hurt.  So I just don't care anymore.  My heart has turned to stone.  The only time it feels is when I am with my girls.  They are the ONLY reason I am still here.  Anyway I don't need sex or anything like that anymore.  That is gone.  Thanks to all who have tried to help.  And I hope all the advise helps someone else with this problem.   Please don't let my situation and results be yours, so everyone remember.  This is my path to travel.  You each have your own path.  You can choose your path so don't choose this one.  It is a hard, lonely, hurting  path.  God Bless you all.

[verygreeneyes]

Listen honey, I know you DONT want to hear it, but what your husband has and what you need to face that he has is called porn induced erectile dysfunction. You say he has erectile dysfunction, but we know that is not true because he can masturbate himself to orgasm just fine. A man with age related ed cannot masturbate himself any better than he can have sex with this partner. However a man with PIED (porn induced ed) can masturbate just fine, but has erectile dysfunction when trying to be with their partner. I can see that you don't want to believe this, but I am telling you the truth here. This is factual stuff, backed up by scientific studies, and it is a worldwide epidemic right now. There are 16 year old boys out there with pied now. Everybody has to stop sticking their heads in the sand and look at this for what it really is. The good news, this CAN be fixed. In order for him to be cured, you are going to have to get on board, he's going to have to get real honest. It's going to hurt, it's going to get tough. If you love each other enough, you have a chance to make it. If you let the relationship continue like it is, divorce will be in your future. Men who look at porn are 100 times more likely to have sex with a real woman outside of their marriage. Porn eventually leads to acting out and full out sex addiction. They may act out by meeting up with prostitutes. You  may end up with a disease. The worst thing you can do is to keep denying what is going on here. If you don't believe me, install some spyware on his computer to see what he does.. Don't tell him, just install it and make sure it is one that records everything he does. You will have your answer really fast. It hurts, but you will need to confront him, and you will need to come up with a plan of action. There are tons of treatment options for this now. If he will go off porn and stay off porn for good, his erections will come back. Right now, his brain circuitry is all messed up. He is wired to have self sex, (masturbation) while getting hits of dopamine and other hormones and neurotransmitters. These are very powerful drugs to the brain, which is why porn addiction is now formally recognized as a drug addiction. Trust me, this goes way way deeper than you think. If you don't wise up, something worse will happen. This is the time to intervene. The time is now.  

[Ctomlin4323]

Boy I have been searching the internet and your story matches my very close I caught my husband masterbating  after asking him for sex the night before. I was and still am beside myself but this does help A LITTLE. Just wondering if anything changed since your post? christine

[JacquiOlliver]

It is common to lose erection hardness while changing position or giving oral. When doing either of these, make sure you are switching your attention back to enjoying the feelings in your penis.

[JacquiOlliver]

Once a man has had one instance of losing his erection hardness, it can become something he becomes paranoid about. The more he thinks about it, the more frequently it occurs. If your husband is worried about his ability to perform sexually, he will avoid having sex with you.

[desperatehusbandtwo]

Here is my story. I have been with my wife for 18 years now, 12 of them married. My wife is pretty attractive and I Iove her dearly. She is 38 now. About 7 years ago she had cancer and the medication she was taking put her in menopause, so she is dry almost all the time and we have to use lubricants that I hate. I have a high sex drive, unlike her. I keep begging for sex and she blows me off. Either tired, doesn't feel like it or whatever excuse she comes up with. We came to arrangement that we have sex 3 times a week. When I approach her she says, get it up and get inside me, finish and let me go to sleep. It feels like she's doing me a favor just to get me off her back. Her vagina isn't naturally wet and doesn't feel as nice. Sometime it hurts me during intercourse.  I see the look on her face when we have sex, its like the last thing she wants but does it just for me. She keeps saying make it quick, *** and let me go to sleep. The minute I ***, she pushes me off her,  jumps out of bed, goes to the bathroom , comes back to the room and says don't touch me now, you got what you wanted, let me go to sleep. She hates that I touch her breasts, butt and vagina. She says it doesn't make her aroused.   On the other hand, touching her in those places makes me very horny. So I have to manipulate between don't touch here, don't touch there, trying to get aroused enough to be able to ***.   Its just passionless sex. Purely mechanical. Recently she is complaining that I am erection is not as hard as I used to be, Sometime I am very hard, but  shortly after I penetrate her, I get soft and she gets pissed and starts to ***** and insult me. She says come back  tomorrow and leave me alone now, go to the doctor to get checked. She also says she not attracted to me anymore and doesn't get aroused by me since I am not hard as I used to be and that I need to lose weight( i could use losing weight, but I;m not obese or that fat) . She always goes to bed around 7:30, after the little kids are in bed. she sometime falls asleep at 8-8:30 and never waits for me (who goes to bed at 8 ?). She doesnt work, only takes care of the kids that go to school or day care. When i come to bed and touch her, she yells at me not to wake her up. I am at a point that when do manage to get her to sleep with me, I worry how to *** as soon as i can, so she doesnt start bitching. or insulting me. I am getting tired of it and thinking about separating. I need someone to show affection and desire, not do me a favor. I can do myself a favor watching porn or go to a hooker, and save the bitching and insulting. Your toughts would be appreciated.