Aa
how long does intense grief last?
I lost my husband suddenly almost four weeks ago. For the first week or two, I think I was in a type of shock. Now, I cry almost daily and it is difficult to control, I just feel so unbelievably sad. We were very close and I miss him terribly. I'm not sure how to get past this feeling although I am really trying. I just can't picture my life without him. To anyone that has lost a spouse, how long does it take to get past these very intense feelings? I don't think it has reached a point as beyond normal, however, I'm finding it hard to answer the question "how are you doing?" yet saying "I'm fine " is a real stretch. Comments?
It seems a little strange what you've just written. This AM, I was driving to breakfast to meet a group of people, and had to stop for a redlight. A song came on the radio that was popular when my husband and I began dating. It brought a tear to my eye, but when a car pulled next to me (I was in the left-hand lane) I looked over and next to me was a car just like his. Do these things really happen by chance? Sometimes I wonder.
What you say about getting over the grief, a person who is a friend of ours and also had lost his wife several years ago, told me almost the same thing yesterday. He also said you will learn how to be happy again. I'm sure this is all true. I have always been an optimist or at least leaned in that direction so I really do have hope. I just never knew it was possible to hurt this badly. Anyway, thank-you for your "timely" response.
What you say about getting over the grief, a person who is a friend of ours and also had lost his wife several years ago, told me almost the same thing yesterday. He also said you will learn how to be happy again. I'm sure this is all true. I have always been an optimist or at least leaned in that direction so I really do have hope. I just never knew it was possible to hurt this badly. Anyway, thank-you for your "timely" response.
I lost the "Love of My Life" a little over 2 years. Have I gotten over losing him? Well, sometimes, I think that I have. Then, I hear a song on the radio that reminds me of him or; I'll see a car that looks just like the one he drove; or I'll pass by a restaurant where he and I once dined. Then, it seems like I'm right back where I was when I learned of his sudden death. And, the emotional flood gates open up and the sorrow emerges. So, I don't think that we ever completely get over our grief... But, in time, one does move through the sadness and loss more quickly. I almost said more easily... but, the sadness really doesn't get easier... you relive the loss... then, it seems to quickly lift and drift away or submerge itself back within you. So, the grief does reach a point where it doesn't weigh you down as much.
Thank-you tyesage and rog60 for your responses. I am very sorry to hear of your losses as well. I am beginning to deal with things a little better than when I first posted the original thread.
Rog60, one of the things that I kept thinking about early on (and I don't really understand why) was if it was more difficult to lose someone so suddenly as I did, or have to watch them suffer with an illness similar to your situation. I felt so robbed of the opportunity of being able to say goodbye, it was over so quickly. The shock was really awful. In a matter of minutes, my life had been changed forever. This thought sounds crazy now, as they are both horrible!
Your sister offered you some valuable insight and I appreciate your passing it along. I have attended a couple grief support meetings as well. I went for the purpose of learning about the grieving process itself and to understand if some of my feelings were within the norm. Surprisingly, the moderator discussed these feelings with us even prior to us explaining any of them. I learned that humans express grief in a very similar manner. It is also helpful to hear input from others because if we can walk away learning just one little thing, it could be useful and is well worth the time.
As far as relationships go, you are right again, they are very hard. I think these things are best left to a time when we are thinking clearly again, however, I think I understand your point as it has crossed my mind as well. I was married to someone that treated me so well, I don't expect that could ever happen again. And, that will have to be OK. Wishing you peace,
Caroline
Rog60, one of the things that I kept thinking about early on (and I don't really understand why) was if it was more difficult to lose someone so suddenly as I did, or have to watch them suffer with an illness similar to your situation. I felt so robbed of the opportunity of being able to say goodbye, it was over so quickly. The shock was really awful. In a matter of minutes, my life had been changed forever. This thought sounds crazy now, as they are both horrible!
Your sister offered you some valuable insight and I appreciate your passing it along. I have attended a couple grief support meetings as well. I went for the purpose of learning about the grieving process itself and to understand if some of my feelings were within the norm. Surprisingly, the moderator discussed these feelings with us even prior to us explaining any of them. I learned that humans express grief in a very similar manner. It is also helpful to hear input from others because if we can walk away learning just one little thing, it could be useful and is well worth the time.
As far as relationships go, you are right again, they are very hard. I think these things are best left to a time when we are thinking clearly again, however, I think I understand your point as it has crossed my mind as well. I was married to someone that treated me so well, I don't expect that could ever happen again. And, that will have to be OK. Wishing you peace,
Caroline
Caroline,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how you are feeling. I understand the daily tears and the pain in the gut. I lost my wife this past January after we fought her cancer for about a year.
I was glad that she didn't have to suffer anymore but I was not prepared for the pain and emptiness that has filled my life since she left us. I know that she is in a better place, but that doesn't make my life any less painful.
I know that I have to go on without her. She told me I should find someone and get married, but I just can't imagine finding anyone that I could ever feel that close to again. Relationships are so hard.
They say that the healing only comes as we FEEL the pain and express it. Like you, I hope this emptiness and sense of loss goes away soon. I have found one support group and I'm looking to find another. I hope to find a good counselor, someone who knows how to guide you through this grief process, but progress there has been slow. Work takes a lot of my time and prevents me from getting things done.
I hope I haven't cried on your shoulder too much. I found this site just today googling "grief". When I read your first post, I just had to talk to you. I feel better just "talking" to someone who seems to be where I am and where I've been.
If it helps, my sister lost her husband when they were in their mid 50's. She said it definitely does get better. She said it goes from several bouts of crying each day to a few each day, to once a day, to less and less often. As time goes on, the crying fits turn to weeping and then to maybe just a teary eye. The deep sorrow turns to a more subtle pain and later, the pain is replaced with the joy of life with only an occassional return to that deep sadness.
I feel better just repeating what she told me so soon after my wife passed.
Thank you for listening to this old man. I hope that something I've said here touches you or someone else
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how you are feeling. I understand the daily tears and the pain in the gut. I lost my wife this past January after we fought her cancer for about a year.
I was glad that she didn't have to suffer anymore but I was not prepared for the pain and emptiness that has filled my life since she left us. I know that she is in a better place, but that doesn't make my life any less painful.
I know that I have to go on without her. She told me I should find someone and get married, but I just can't imagine finding anyone that I could ever feel that close to again. Relationships are so hard.
They say that the healing only comes as we FEEL the pain and express it. Like you, I hope this emptiness and sense of loss goes away soon. I have found one support group and I'm looking to find another. I hope to find a good counselor, someone who knows how to guide you through this grief process, but progress there has been slow. Work takes a lot of my time and prevents me from getting things done.
I hope I haven't cried on your shoulder too much. I found this site just today googling "grief". When I read your first post, I just had to talk to you. I feel better just "talking" to someone who seems to be where I am and where I've been.
If it helps, my sister lost her husband when they were in their mid 50's. She said it definitely does get better. She said it goes from several bouts of crying each day to a few each day, to once a day, to less and less often. As time goes on, the crying fits turn to weeping and then to maybe just a teary eye. The deep sorrow turns to a more subtle pain and later, the pain is replaced with the joy of life with only an occassional return to that deep sadness.
I feel better just repeating what she told me so soon after my wife passed.
Thank you for listening to this old man. I hope that something I've said here touches you or someone else
For a long time thats all my dreams were about. That she was still alive. Or cobwebs bound me tight taking away MY control. it got to the point I didnt want to sleep anymore. I thankfully went to a head doctor and she gave me Seroquel to stop the madness in my head. Im not saying thats what you should do. I am saying that if things get to be too much, find someone to talk to. sometimes we just need to hear our voices say it out loud and professionels make good sounding boards. They dont know us and r not there to judge so we can tell them anything. If you do decide to get a therapist, shop around till you are comfortable with one.
There were a couple things i remember being told not to do. Dont give anything away, or destroy anything for the first year. Because of emotion you may give away something that later you may regret. Kindly ask someone that asks for something if you could put their name on it because your not ready to start giving pieces of him away.
Another thing is to have patience with what others say. People are going to tell you how strong you are and such. Know that they are just doing their best to console you and in the long run it makes them feel better.
for some people it helps to keep a journal. If you read back on it remember you may feel those same feelings u did when u wrote it. i rarely go back and read mine but prefer to leave it in the past.
Expect to have that drained feeling for a while. Its good to hear that your not keeping it all in. If you get angry take it out on something soft like a pillow. If thats not your style maybe go down to the second hand shop, pick up some dinnerware and find a place to smash em.
Lastly... always look for signs. There is always someone or something trying to tell you that everything will be as it is and they are alright.
There were a couple things i remember being told not to do. Dont give anything away, or destroy anything for the first year. Because of emotion you may give away something that later you may regret. Kindly ask someone that asks for something if you could put their name on it because your not ready to start giving pieces of him away.
Another thing is to have patience with what others say. People are going to tell you how strong you are and such. Know that they are just doing their best to console you and in the long run it makes them feel better.
for some people it helps to keep a journal. If you read back on it remember you may feel those same feelings u did when u wrote it. i rarely go back and read mine but prefer to leave it in the past.
Expect to have that drained feeling for a while. Its good to hear that your not keeping it all in. If you get angry take it out on something soft like a pillow. If thats not your style maybe go down to the second hand shop, pick up some dinnerware and find a place to smash em.
Lastly... always look for signs. There is always someone or something trying to tell you that everything will be as it is and they are alright.
Thank-you both for your kind and comforting words. Fifty years or one child---I can't imagine. I have begun to have better days but I seem to be going up and down a lot. I just cannot take crying all the time, it is exhausting and consuming. I am not trying to "stuff" my grief, I am trying only to gain some control. I believe I have come close to accepting this in heart and mind. Believe me when I say this, I have to be thankful for the fact that my husband did not suffer. I watched both parents, family members and friends and just the other day a woman from work I've known for years. Her husband just succumbed to C and suffered many years through all the treatments. I've said this in other posts, and I know you may not agree but there are worse things than death. If my husband were to have survived with brain damage with no quality of life, that may have been more intolerable for us both. You have to see this first-hand as I did. I do believe he is at peace now and is looking down on me. Thanks again for caring. Tomorrow is another day and my feelings may change (I'm sure you understand) but I acknowledge the fact we really aren't in control of mortality.
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