how long does intense grief last?

[Caroline565]

I lost my husband suddenly almost four weeks ago. For the first week or two, I think I was in a type of shock. Now, I cry almost daily and it is difficult to control, I just feel so unbelievably sad. We were very close and I miss him terribly. I'm not sure how to get past this feeling although I am really trying. I just can't picture my life without him. To anyone that has lost a spouse, how long does it take to get past these very intense feelings? I don't think it has reached a point as beyond normal, however, I'm finding it hard to answer the question "how are you doing?" yet saying "I'm fine " is a real stretch. Comments?

[suzeeh]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I haven't lost a spouse but I lost my only child 19 months ago. Jordan was 20 and it has been a roller coaster ride to say the least.  For me going to counseling and a grief support group was invaluable and I was on an antidepressant for a year.  I cried often.  Do not stuff your grief. Let it out. You may go to the store and see a food that reminds you particularly of your husband. I can't tell you how many times I went to the grocery store crying walking down the aisles.  I will never forget my darling son but I have finally come to an acceptance and have gotten back to living and laughing.  The first year is the hardest I believe as you go through each holiday and remember what you were doing that time last year with your loved one.  Grief work is the hardest work you will ever do.  Take care of yourself, go for a walk, eat right, drink lots of fluid. Treat yourself extra kindly. You need that more than ever now.  You're in my prayers.

[hopefull10]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I actually know how you feel as my dear husband died 2 years ago after 50 years of a happy marriage.
I still cry and I still get that real pain in the stomache  as I miss him so much.
The things that keep me going are my family my friends and my faith.I know I will see him again but without the multiple myeloma which was terrible.Prayer is comforting.Never give up, but take comfort from those who love you.
Let us know how you are getting along.

[crystalhanzelka]

I still think any day now she will walk in the door and say"Ha Ha I got ya!"  But deep down I know this is not going to happen.  Everytime I do something to let go a little more..I do feel guilty.  This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and I know I NEVER want to do it again.  It *****.  I want to be the old careless me.  But that will never be.  You have to get used to the "new" you.  Just give it time.  It does get a little easier everyday.

[Caroline565]

Thanks, crystal and I am sorry for your loss too. You bring up some good points, about not being the same person and about letting go. I think they have to be two very important issues and I have thought about them yet never could quite put into words these feelings. We kind of do battle with ourselves because we don't want our lives to change, we want to be the same person and we want our partners by our side. This is probably why we are unable to let go. By letting go, we are preparing ourselves for a life without them but because this is not what we want, we continue to hold on. Do you think, and this may sound a little crazy, that deep down we hope they will somehow come back? Or do we feel guilty about letting go for some reason?

I am trying to sort through alot of these feelings so I can make sense of them. I keep telling myself that my husband did not suffer and if you have to go, that's probably the best way. At the same time I think, but why now? I will have to look for that book, thanks for the suggestion.

[crystalhanzelka]

I am sorry for your loss.  I lost my partner suddenly on May 27, 2008.  8 Months ago.  I can tell you that it does get easier with time.  I was in shock for the first few weeks as well.  I was the one who found her on the couch.  Anyway, I got this book called "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye"  It was a huge help.  You can order it on half.com
I can also tell you, you are not the same person as you were when he was here on earth.  Your life has changed and so have you.  If you are religious, just know that he is looking down on you, keeping you safe.  Like I said, it is hard to let go.  Do so slowly.  I am slowly letting things go.  Time does heal, but you will always, always miss him.

[Caroline565]

Thank- you all so much for your replies and support. It does help to know others can relate and understand. I have made some progress, but it seems so much like back and fourth. I am still not in control of my emotions and am feeling stressed out with all the paper work and all. I cry just looking at our pension accounts and other financial paperwork because I think he worked so hard for this and now doesn't get the opportunity to enjoy it. Everything I see or do reminds me of him. I just miss him so much.

I try very hard to contain myself around family members and friends, but I think they are thinking I am doing very well. I really don't want to worry anyone because I do know that eventually I will be OK. There really isn't anything anyone can say or do that would make me feel better anyway. All the bereavement cliches in the world, like take one day at a time, keep yourself busy, time will heal and is there anything I can do? don't seem to help, although well intended, I understand. Broken hearts do heal eventually but at different paces.

I am not trying to supress grief, it's just that I've been crying so much and it really zaps my energy and ability to concentrate. I only hope that soon, I will be able to be in better control of my emotions. I never thought the day would  come so soon that I would be without him. I just wasn't prepared for all this.