how long does intense grief last?

[Caroline565]

I lost my husband suddenly almost four weeks ago. For the first week or two, I think I was in a type of shock. Now, I cry almost daily and it is difficult to control, I just feel so unbelievably sad. We were very close and I miss him terribly. I'm not sure how to get past this feeling although I am really trying. I just can't picture my life without him. To anyone that has lost a spouse, how long does it take to get past these very intense feelings? I don't think it has reached a point as beyond normal, however, I'm finding it hard to answer the question "how are you doing?" yet saying "I'm fine " is a real stretch. Comments?

[drmom911]

I think grieving is a different cycle for everyone.  We all process and deal with grief differently and have our own ways of coping.  You will begin to move forward with time but you will be forever changed.  I am so very sorry for your loss!

[drmom911]

Hi Caroline.  Thinking of you today and hoping you are having an up day.  Sending thoughts and hugs!

[JoeKruss]

I lost my son to cancer almost 2 years ago.  He was only 28 years old.  He had his entire life ahead of him.  He was a kind and loving man.  Everyone who knew him, loved him.  I lost both my parents years before.  My father, 30+ years ago, and my mother about 10.  Although it is sad to lose anyone, your parents are supposed to go before you.  There is no sorrow greater than losing a child!  Especially having to watch that child suffer for over a year in great pain.  His death was actually an eventual blessing, but even after nearly two years I still feel the pain as if it were today!  Anyone who has had to watch a loved one die from cancer or another long-term disease, has suffered twice.  Once with the loss of their loved one, and also from the nightmare of watching helplessly as the one they love suffers.  I am fortunate to have good friends, and another son who is doing wonderfully - but I really don't think I'll ever get over the heartbreak of losing my child!

[ririalex]

Dear Caroline…..I just lost my husband of 26 years on June 16th. It was sudden, unexpected and he was in great health.  Played squash two days a week, worked out, was happy and in a wonderful place in life.  He went off to go boating with an  old friend and on the drive home he had an Afib of the heart.  He walked out the door that morning and that was it.  I did see him in the hospital for 9 days but that was torture.  The only positive about it was that it gave me a chance to spend time with him while he still looked healthy and handsome.  He never woke up and he finally simply shut down.  I share your feelings exactly especially when you mentioned doing the paper work which is what I am doing too.  He was a commercial builder and we had actually just about retired.  My husband also wasn't given the opportunity to enjoy the fruits of his labor for 40 years of hard work.  I too am brokenhearted.  I guess we all walk a similar road.  I have lost 14 lobs sine June 6th.  Can't stop crying either.  I share your pain.  Let pray we can all move through this dark journey.  I don't understand all the suffering on this earth.

[NanaNae59]

I am terribly sorry for your loss.

I lost my grandson 4 weeks ago to a tragic car accident.  He was only 5 years old and the love of my life.  He was about to turn 6 on October 16th and we had been planning a Disney Cruise for his birthday....flying to Orlando and taking Amtrak home.  My daughter had severe injuries as well and is still working on her recovery.  The pain I feel is so intense sometimes I don't think I can live through it.  My grandson spent just about every weekend with me, all vacations included him, he has his own room at my house.  Everywhere I look now I picture a conversation, "Hey Nana, wouldn't it be cool if we...", "I love you Nana" as he would sit on the arm of my recliner..."Hey Nana, I need that, I want that, I could really use that" as we watched commercials on TV.  I hear his voice every where - I keep my blinds closed because it hurts to bad to watch the neighborhood children playing, I keep thinking Kaydin is going to come running around the corner with them.  I cannot offer any advice, I am actually seeking advice on how to deal with this intense pain and the constant crying.  I started balling like crazy in the grocery store today when I went down the cereal isle remembering how we would agonize over which cereal to get.  I have tried to get out and try to do "normal" things, but thoughts of my precious little boy keep coming back and the tears flow freely.  I want to be there for my daughter and help her with her grief - she feels responsible because she was driving and over corrected causing her car to go into the other lane and was hit straight on by a big work van.  But it is so hard for me to be there for her, when I am feeling so much pain.  I have taken a few weeks off work because every time I tried to go to the office I would just sit in my office and cry.  I fill my days with walks, looking at pictures and videos of my beautiful little grandson, crying and roaming through the internet trying to find an answer on how to deal with this crazy pain.  And as you have probably found out, there is no magical answer.  My faith has wavered some, because if God is so just why would he take this wonderful child.  But then one night I was laying in bed crying and talking with God asking to please let me know that Kaydin is okay - depending on your believes...this may have just been wishful thinking, my imagination or God allowing Kaydin to come talk to me - but I saw him at the foot of my bed and all he said was "I'm okay Nana".  I want so badly to believe this, but am still so very angry that I have to accept he is not coming back.

[petrakisjw]

Grief:

I understand grief:
The voids in time,
The phone call that does not come,
The tricks the mind plays,
The thought patterns that still take hold,
The email that is never answered,
The texts that hang, undelivered, in cyberspace.
I understand all of this, all too well.

What I do not understand:
Why grief makes salt water come out of my eyes.
A sudden swelling in my chest
That rises into my throat,
A warmth behind my eyes,
And then salt water spills over and down my cheeks.
My cat, Nieukitti, purring, comes to comfort me with kitty kisses,
But perhaps it is only that she likes the salty taste.

I do not understand
Why grief makes salt water come out of my eyes.

Julia Petrakis
December 2013