suicide ,,of my two children ,....

[bell124]

hi everyone ,.this is my frist time in the loss and grief ,im in the depression forum ,...........i couldnt up till come in here ,.........but im here now ........and my question is ,............if there is someone out there that has had two children die from suicide can they please let me know how they are dealing with it ,............because im not dealing with it so good ,.......i have become suicidal myself through this ,........i know i need to be here for my young son ,,but sometimes the pain is overwhelming ,.........and i dont see my young son there ,..........its like i go into a world of my own ,......and im afraid i will never come out of that world ,....i dont want to die ,..but i dont want to live with this pain .,........i have a very good friend on mh ,.......and she has been great to me ,..but as much as that has been i still need to talk to someone in my position ,.............dont ask me why because i dont even know that myself ,...till it happens ,............thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this ,..........

[Wendallzmom]

I have not lost a child to suicide, but I have lost my husband that way over 20 years ago.  Our son was 3 at the time...a few years later, my husbands brother died that way too.  I do know that once there is one ...others see it more as a choice or an option than they did before they knew someone that did it.  I went through a bad few months after and drank a lot...one night in an alcohol haze I was walking outside and saw a broken bottle on the street...I picked up the glass and was going to slice my wrists and die right there...I sat on the curb and cried and thought of my son...and couldnt do it...I ran to my friends house and told her I had to do something...I just couldnt go on with this pain...she brought me to the hospital and stayed there for 3 days...they did not treat me softly there...they told me that with suicide in the family now...that my son had a 50% better chance of seeing this as an option...if I did it through alcoholism or actually doing it I might as well put the gun to his head....as I sat there crying ...they walked my 3 year old son in the room...talk about a wake up call...I knew that I was falling apart but I had completely forgot about the precious little life that God had put in my hands...That day I quit drinking and became Jesse's mother again...Jesse is 28 now...and we made it...we still have days we sit and laugh and cry remembering his father, yes, he was here a short time...and left us in such a horrible way...but the time we had with him is such a gift and we are so thankful for that...as the Garth Brooks song goes...

Yes my life, is better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss, the dance

The dance gave me my beautiful son, and I spent the last 20 some years making the "our dance" as magical as possible...

I don't know if my story will help you...but do know that you are in my prayers...and I am here...dancing!

[bell124]

can i just say thank you all so much ,....just by you responding  back to me means  that you are very caring people ,......i dont  expect any of you to give me answers ,....i couldnt do that to you ,........and that wouldn't be fare on any of you ,........jlm,.....please dont hurt for me im hurting enough for both of us thanks ,..............gwmclean ,,,,,,i was a woman with a lot of strength at one time,...i even manged to keep strong after my son died ,.........but some how my strength is leaving me bit by bit ,...since my daughter died ,.......they used to call me the rock lol.....lol.....that sound like the wrestler ,.....but something tells me this rock is crumbling ,.....but thanks and you mind yourself also,............to kipland yes i am looking for a mother that has lost two children from suicide ,i dont know were we could even begin if one came forward ,... i just know there would be something.,......and you are very good to say not to pretend to me ,....thats what i need horniest people ,...i do believe you are all so sorry or you wouldn't have been here with me ,......half of my body has gone ,....and as ive said how do you live with half a body ,.......i am not angry i am just tired ,..tired from living all this hurt in my life ,......this life means  nothing to me anymore ,.....there is a big hole in it and i can never fill it in again ,....

[kipland]

I know you're looking for others in the same situation as you.  I'm not one of them, so I can't even pretend to know what you're going through.  But I did want to say that I'm so very sorry that you had to experience this, and that you're having a hard time.  Death is never easy - and especially in this situation.  It leaves the ones left behind with a whole lot of "what if I did this......or that?".  It's so unfair.   You're in my prayers.....

Lori

[jml1986]

Wow, I must admit, I find myself hurting for you everytime I log on the this site. I also find myself reflecting on how I felt when I lost my dad. I knew that everyone meant well by all there comments or advice, but I just felt like telling them all to go to hell. Had I not been hurting so bad, I would never have felt that way, but I just could not process it all with so much pain.

[gwmclean]

I know that I can never feel the same pain that you must be feeling.  I would never insult you by saying that I could even relate to what you must be going through.  I am having many dark thoughts, and the one thing that has help to keep me here is thinking of what is waiting for me.  Focus on the what is around you and try not to dwell on what has passed.  Honour their memory but try not to live in it.  I don't know what the circumstance where that caused the turmoil in your life, but you sound like a strong woman with some fight left in her.  I dont have any answers for you, and as someone on the edge himself I may be the last person you want to talk to, but I am here for you if you want.

[bell124]

oh i know im not alone in my pain ,..............but were are all of those people ,....are they hiding ,...........or ,.is it they just wont go out because there so depressed from there suicides they have had ,......just like me ,......i wont go out unless i really have to ,...i know there are lots of good people that dont even know what to say to us ,...and i say us ,...like were from a different planet ,....im known up my street  as the women that had two suicides ,.........i know you mean well suzi-q but when its your own flesh and blood your  children you carried in you ,.....thats how close you are to them ,....i feel like ive lost half my body ,....and i will never accept it ,..........im sorry ,....ive gone to a suicide counselor  ,.........and after 1 year she knew i needed to see a therpist ,...and im with one now ,....but i still feel half of my body is gone ,....how can anyone live with half of a body ,.........im not angry ,..im lonely and hurting for my son and daughter to be here again with me ,..............you are right about been stuck in grief ,...i find it even hard to cry ,....i need to have a good cry ,.........that in itself makes me feel im not human ,....its only a matter of time with me ,........